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Author Topic: He Never Feels "Listened To"  (Read 363 times)
Mitochandrea
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1


« on: May 18, 2017, 11:29:57 AM »

I am coming apart.

I've always been told I'm a good listener. This by no means exonerates me from losing track of someone's thoughts at times, but the man I'm with now has frayed me ragged with screaming matches full of "YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME" and "THIS IS WHAT YOU ALWAYS DO" and so forth.

My partner gets extremely irritated at even the slightest inkling that his thoughts aren't being registered, so I am careful to answer his questions with laser precision and implement any decisions he makes as soon as he gives me the direction. Otherwise I'm at risk of an immediate shouting match. If I question a motive or have a differing opinion, I am immediately accused of "not listening." If I have been listening intently and misunderstand a directive, I'm "not listening." He'll give me a rundown of the intricacy of why it's me who is disrespecting him because had I just taken the time to listen to his original point, then I wouldn't have come to the misunderstanding and he wouldn't feel disrespected.

I am of the mindset that misunderstandings happen. Someone registers a thought, believes it is on the neurological path to understanding, and then somewhere along the line, realizes it is not. In my experience, people forgive this kind of behavior.

Not him.

A misunderstanding is just lazy listening. If I were better at listening, it would never happen.

I feel about 10 inches tall. It doesn't matter if I'm sick, tired, hormonal, hungry... .there is no excuse for not listening to him. His mother abandoned him at 2. He had issues with his grandparents "not listening" to him. He was in anger therapy by 4. I am no match for this. And if I attribute any of his behavior to these variables, I'm "changing subjects," "diverting away from the point," "reading too deeply." I have NEVER had someone tell me so often that I am such a horrible listener. I feel like bolting so he can find a better listener. I thought our therapist could help. After six months, he's still screaming at me.

I endeavored this morning to listen as intently as I could. He gave me a vague sentence that I interpreted incorrectly instead of asking him to clarify. I made a mistake. He left for work pissed and feeling disrespected.

I am beginning to believe I really am just an innately horrible listener. I'm beginning to believe he should leave because, despite my best efforts, I still make him miserable with my misunderstandings. He doesn't leave, though.

He's physically fought me off of the front door when I try to leave, he's gone on a secret date with another girl because he "has self-esteem issues he has to deal with," he's given up alcohol again and again just to get back on it because he "wants to be in control of it." I am so exhausted.

He seems so unhappy, but he always comes back. In moments of clarity he even tells me how much of this is his fault and why. It's all very logical, very astute. But I know I'm not blameless. I just can't be the perfect listener he needs. And I don't know what to do about it.

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isilme
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 2714



« Reply #1 on: May 18, 2017, 03:42:17 PM »

"You never listen to me" seems to translate to, "If you love me and care you'd be perfect and never fail me."

I get this on A LOT.  I forget something on the grocery list (or he never put it on there) - I'm a terrible person who never listens.

I can't hear him as he mumbles in a crowded room and misinterprets what he said?  I'm a terrible person who never listens and then I get passive aggressive silent treatment to "show" what it's like to not be listened to.

Want to know the kicker?  He rarely remembers much of what I tell him - I guess he did not "listen".  He will be totally not listening to me in public (some friends laugh a little when they can tell I am trying to tell H something but he's not hearing me. noticing me, "busy."

I'd have to guess a big part of this stems from my H's frustration at being a middle child in a house with 2 dominant women (mother and his older sister) who both are bad about making snide comments about men, how silly they are, stupid, etc.  So that's one issue.

Another is the simple fact a pwBPD feels invalidated if we can't read their mind and do things perfectly.  Anything less is deliberate.  There are not accidents (unless they did something wrong, and you have to prove it beyond a shadow of a doubt). 

You're a human being.  You will mis-hear, mis-understand, and forget things.  If BPD were not involved, most people would not give it too much thought.  But BPD IS involved.  I try to repeat back to H what he has said.  I write things down as I can.  I tell him if I am busy and cannot take notes/write things down.  I have a semi-photographic memory, and I still screw up.  I cam remember comments made at meetings from work back in 2015... .my coworkers are all like, "how do you do that?"  But H, his yeah and nah sounds are so close I get mixed up.  I have anxiety at times coming back from the store, worried I will be accused of purposefully leaving things off the list. 

I haven't got much as far as any solutions, I just really understand this topic.

I WILL say your H is hurting, and this is probably just the easiest thing for him to get mad about,  He is probably projecting a lot of negative feelings onto you that he can't process, and "not listening" gives him an excuse in his mind to yell at you so he can vent them. 
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