Comfort eating/asking for things/coping mechanisms

[Beren2016]

Hi all

there is more to this issue, resulting arguments and cycle of events that ensue, but i want to focus my question on what i see as the core issue for my girlfriend who has BPD and Bipolar disorder.



when my Girlfriend is depressed she relies heavily on comfort eating (Mcdonalds/takeaway) and at this point it is not just something that helps, it is a NEED. our problem comes from when she asks me for this food, for her just asking makes her extremely vulnerable and if i  have to say no (for financial reasons), she feels like she was wrong to ask or that i am angry at her, that she doesn't deserve anything. this is a source of trauma for her from early life she doesn't have an outlet for this storm emotion and this is compounded with the depression that she was originally trying to cope with.

This starts of a cycle of events that lasts all night through various emotions,but i don't want to ask about that, what i want to ask is if  anybody can help me avoid that cycle.

obviously i will get her whatever i am able, i love her, but i need to reserve the right to say no (i don't want to re enforce eating as a coping mechanism/and for financial reasons/supporting her on her diet). the problem is that like i said the eating has became a "NEED" without it she can't deal with her internal emotions as she has kept them locked inside for too long, at this point "no" is not an option ... .i feel like i need to help her find ways to deal with the emotions inside, i am at a loss as to how she can create new coping mechanisms... .

for reference. my girlfriend has in the last year stopped physical self harming... .my suspicion is that the eating has filled this "void" maybe still fulfilling the "self harm/ self hatred" aspect as she is also trying to diet due to extremely low self esteem.

sorry for the rambling post, all help is appreciated

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[livednlearned]

Hi Beren2016,

It's tough to stand by and watch a loved one hurt themselves, whether it's with food or self-harm. For them, it's a solution, and for us, it's the problem.  

I don't know that we can prevent the emotional storm, only try to be effective in how we interact and respond to their emotions and behaviors, best done by not shaming or judging (hard, I know).

One thought is to validate her feelings and then walk through the consequences with her, so she can think ahead to how it makes her feel (usually the behavior brings on more shame).

"It seems like food helps to soothe what must be very painful feelings. I can relate to that -- I think a lot of people feel that way from time to time. When you eat Mcdonalds/takeaway, it makes you feel good for a short time and then ________ happens. Maybe together we can think about something else that will help with those feelings AND minimize those consequences. Is there anything you can think of that might help?"

Or another thought, if you are certain this is a boundary for you (out of self-protection, like financial protection) is to change the latter part of that statement so it is firm:

"I will not have enough money for ________ and I know it is important to both of us that we have money for __________. I am going to make sure we have enough money for _______ by doing ________."

And then either tell her exactly how much she has per month for fast food, or have a strict no fast food policy and stick to it.

If you do set a boundary, be prepared to stand by it. She won't like it, of course, so asserting it will come down to what you are prepared to tolerate.

Usually, with a new boundary, there is an extinction burst, and then when the boundary is tested and it remains firm, pwBPD will over time stop pushing against it.

I'm not sure you can really create new coping mechanisms for intense emotions. However, you can help her think through the consequences of her behavior (in a non-judgmental, non shaming way) so that she starts to connect the dots on her own and makes changes that she is prepared to make.