Wondering what to do

[takingandsending]

I spoke with my T today about an incident on Tuesday, where my xw stated she wanted to crash the car into something because S11's anger was infiltrating her. Here's a link to that thread, https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=310496.0 For the record, my xw has spoken like this/stated she wants to harm herself and always blamed others for her feelings for as long as I have known her. She has never remotely acted on anything other than picking at her skin until it bleeds.

But my T asked me, "What do you want as far as custody? What would be best for the boys?" When I think about it, even though I really don't know how I could do it, I know that the boys would do a lot better if I had full custody or at least 75%. I think the boys know that I am safe with them, that I have their back, and that I won't ask them to own my feelings. I shied away from trying for full custody on the basis that my T had previously confirmed or assented to my thoughts that my xw was too functional for the court to likely grant anything better than 50/50. But today, she asked if I had ever considered requesting a psych eval for my xw. I certainly have, but, from the experiences in this forum, it's not a sure thing and it would definitely move our divorce into a litigious one v. "collaborative" tack we are currently on. My T asserted that after having worked with my wife during MC, she is certain that the paranoid, defensive, victim mentality would appear in a psych eval. She thought that if I went litigation, a GAL would likely convey that to a judge.

I am pretty confused/conflicted right now. I have seen divorce courts in my county twice uphold rights of a very destructive parent - one for full custody and one for 50/50 custody. In both cases, the destructive parent had either PD other mental illness. I will talk to my L to see what his thinking is. He has previously told me it's unlikely I would get full custody, given that xw has been SAHM and I have had after work and weekend contact only.

Beyond all of that, I am struggling with the harm it might do to my xw. And yes, that's totally not looking out for my sons' best interests, but then again, I don't know how hard it might be for them to not see her as much. 50/50 seems fair, and of course, that is not what I currently even have. Ack! I hate this stuff.

I just want to support my kids. I don't always know how best to do that.

[ForeverDad]

My custody evaluator, a child psychologist, said this on our first session... ."The parenting time history is 50% of my recommendation."  Well, that gave me grave concern since I worked a regular 5 day week and my then-stbEx had quit work once our child was born.  So I'm sure his presumption was that I had a very uphill struggle to get things in my favor.  However, I pressed on with my case.  Months later I saw the initial CE report that was discussed between the main judge and the lawyers.  This was before she had raged at the pediatrician's staff for letting me make an appointment with them for which the pediatrician decided to fire her according to the medical records, in other words, they sent her a letter "withdrawing services".  I never saw the updated report because it was sealed when we settled on Trial Day.  So what did the initial report summary say?  "Mother cannot share 'her' child but Father can... .Mother should immediately lose her temporary custody... .If Shared Parenting is attempted and fails then Father should have custody... ."

Yes, it sounded quite iffy at first, every professional spouted the typical outcomes, etc.  But eventually the reality became evident — and I came out smelling like roses.  Well, almost, for them it was just another day at work.  Fortunately I had some good people on my side (lawyer and CE and others) while the GAL (young son's lawyer) still tried to find a middle ground deal despite favoring me and the magistrate ignored all the conflict, let ex continue with her control attempts and mostly kept waiting for a settlement.

Sadly, our cases look the worst a the start.  Few seem to believe us that it really is that bad.  The challenge is to find experienced, problem solving, perceptive, unbiased and proactive professionals... .the lawyer, the custody evaluator, the Guardian ad Litem, the counselor for the children, etc.  It probably can't be done without proactive perspective and time tested strategies at hand.  And support from our trusted friends & family, problem solving lawyer, solid therapist/counselor and peer support's collective wisdom.

[takingandsending]

ForeverDad,

My dilemma: my wife has never yelled at me that she was going to kill me, she has never made false DV or child abuse allegation, she has never tried to commit suicide, she has never been physically violent, she has never really done anything aside from persistent verbal abuse in the form of all the BPD faves - belittling, blaming, bewailing her poor treatment, projection, etc.

She has made more poor choices and jeopardized kids' well being in following ways:
1. Blaming and anger thrown their way on regular basis.
2. Idealizing people she has just met and jumping to trusting them to watch kids (I have mitigated this while I was there). Last summer, she invited a person with significant mental illness in our house, got in a fight with her, ran off with S6 and left me to deal with the person who I had to get out of our house without getting thrown in jail in the process. It was very traumatic for me and S11.
3. Poor financial decisions.
4. Questionable decisions on health care and immunizations.
5. Food / control issues.

My T believes that a psych eval would reveal her impaired thoughts/cognitive process. I just don't know if that is enough to move the needle on custody. I will go back to my L and ask him what it would take, mention the recent projection/self harm statement and see what he thinks. In the collaborative process, he will probably recommend getting a child specialist involved, which will be more cost, met with more resistance from xw and delay parent plan, which is my only protection for the kids, albeit an imperfect one.

[SpinsC]

Beyond all of that, I am struggling with the harm it might do to my xw. And yes, that's totally not looking out for my sons' best interests, but then again, I don't know how hard it might be for them to not see her as much. 50/50 seems fair, and of course, that is not what I currently even have. Ack! I hate this stuff.

OK, I read your entire post, but as the child of a BPD mother who was left in her custody by a sane father, I have to tell you to fight to get those boys. I was 12 when they separated, 14 when the divorce was final and 15 when Dad remarried and moved away. Being the only child left at home (and not the golden child either), has messed me up but good.

I can remember BEGGING my father to take custody of me at least three times before I gave up. His refusals still affect our relationship. I'm almost 50.

Think of it like this, please. YOU recognize that you cannot stay married to her. YOU are an adult who has a choice in this, you can file for divorce (or let her so she feels in control). Whatever. Your sons, they are stuck in whatever situation the courts enforce.

Yes, it stinks that BPD can be pretty darn bad in women and yet courts favor mothers for custody. Dad had a choice. His final answer still rings as bitter betrayal and abandonment in my head: 'I couldn't take everything away from your mother.' So, A) I'm a thing. B) You aren't taking - I'm begging to be taken. C) You couldn't live with her, but you expect her to be capable of raising a child alone? AFTER a divorce?

It's unfair of me to be so blunt, I'm sorry if that is how I sound. It's just that you are considering fighting for them. I don't want the answer to be 'no, too hard'. Look into your boys' eyes. Listen to what they've gone through before the divorce started and now. Consider how she is likely to be to her boy-children after her husband 'abandons' her alone with children.

::: stepping off soapbox. ::: Please forgive my rant and my thread hijack. Please also consider what I've said, for the sake of your boys.

[takingandsending]

Thanks, Mutt, for that perspective. I totally understand, and I don't in any way intend to abandon my sons to their BPD mom. But they don't beg me to take them. They seem happy to see her when I bring them to the house, and they seem happy to see me when I pick them up.

Here's what I know. S11 is clinging to his mom, trying desperately to be seen as good in her eyes. He is mostly painted black. That, alone, kills me. S6 is the golden child. I just watched today during the violin/viola lesson as S6 repeated BPDm's fault finding and criticism of S11 for forgetting some of the music that he has progressed past and not kept up on reviews. S6 didn't know that shaming his brother in front of their teacher was incredibly hurtful because that's what his mom does. S11 then directs his anger on his little brother. I stepped in and stayed with him holding him, grounding that intense shame. But he doesn't ask me to take him from his mom. He is still trying to please her. What do I do here, aside from asking validating questions and creating a space for him in my life, my heart, my home?

I have requested a meeting with the L. I will get his thoughts on the psych eval and child specialist. I will bear the costs if the L advises the specialist would help. I will continue to stand up for both my sons - I just have seen how bad the outcomes have been with my friends who went through high conflict divorce in court. I am 52 years old. I don't know if I can accept waiting 5-6 years to get the courts to realize who is a caring parent and who is a selfish parent, which is what it seems to take before the sane parent gains custody.

[SpinsC]

You can have an incredible amount of influence on both boys - for the better.

I love how you handled the incident you described. Validate the one being shamed.

I don't have very good answers, unfortunately. Since I'm still with my BPD husband and we only have one child together, DS9, I am dealing with ongoing shared time. I have given my DS9 a journal to write down everything - the good, the bad, the ugly. I told him to hide it where me and his father and his big brother and his big sister and his niece (same age, visits often) can't find it.

Also, I instituted 'talk time' at bed-time every night. During that, we discuss the worst things that happened that day, and then finish with the best things. This is when he is allowed to voice all those opinions and feelings from the day without judgment. My only rule is that the language stay free of cussing, as a sign of respect for me.

The talk time really seems to help. We limit it to three top horrible things and three top wonderful things. But, if he's had a particularly bad day, we go past that. Whatever he seems to need. He's come to depend on that enough that, when his father threatens to take that time away, DS cries and I get angry for the child. That's not his to touch.

If any of this sparks good ideas for you, great! You know your sons.

You do sound like a deeply involved, caring father. That alone will be remembered by both sons. I hope this goes well for you and the boys.