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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Did you know or have you ever met your replacement?  (Read 494 times)
Rayban
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« on: May 24, 2017, 07:44:37 PM »

My BPD ex was always secretive, and never posted  anything involving relationships on social media including the one I had with her. In an argument over her flirtatious behaviour, she said youll never catch me ... .with a sly smile. That was open to interpretation in the sense that ... .you won't catch me because I won't cheat, however the sly sociopathic smile was more her saying you won't catch me cause I'm too smart.

I'm interested in knowing of your experience with meeting or knowing your replacement.  Did you talk about you're BPD ex? Exchange information? Or did you just let it be and have them enjoy the ride for themselves?

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Pretty Woman
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« Reply #1 on: May 24, 2017, 11:34:11 PM »

I met my replacement ironically in a women's social group I run. I friended her and we went for drinks one night after a function.  I told her about my ex cheating on me and our crazy relationship ups and downs. She told me about her recent ex cheating on her and now being engaged to the person she cheated on her with.

My replacement had  met me and my girlfriend at a brunch before that and I could tell she had interest in my ex.

I can't say I'm surprised this happened as my ex had left me for people in my social group before.  The worst part was when she called me (the replacement) to tell me MY relationship had been over for awhile and why couldn't we all be friends while they date each other? They still wanted to make friends in my social group while I played event coordinator for them.

You can imagine what was racing through me in that moment. The wave of emotion.

I told her what I thought of her and did not mince words which resulted in my ex calling me screaming, telling me my words could have caused her girlfriend to commit suicide and that she was devastated and distraught.

This was two days after coldly dumping me, as I was leaving a locksmith was there to change her locks. She also kept our puppy I paid for.

There was 0 empathy for how I felt. I was expected to move on and get over it when five days prior she was calling me the love of her life.

She called me a few days after that to tell me her mother was in the hospital. I told her I could care less and never to call me again. She said "I love you" before hanging up and that was the last I heard from her... .

But she went on a slander spree and painted me as the perpetrator to any mutual friends we have. She is still with the replacement who I believe to be extremely insecure (she is one of these people who likes every damn thing anyone posts on FB... .like all her friends, every single post). I know when this implodes she will suffer far worse than I did. I actually feel sorry for her but I didn't when it first happened.
Another funny thing is they spend all their time with her ex who cheated on her and her new wife (the person she was left for). Clearly their are no boundaries.
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Turkish
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« Reply #2 on: May 25, 2017, 01:27:43 AM »

My kids' former step dad, the affair partner.  Soon to be divorced as far as I know at this moment.

Over a year before her later discard of him,  he commented to me twice, "the kids are so much calmer when you bring them back than when she comes back with them." I didn't comment. It seemed odd to me,  given that I wasn't in his shoes to observe what he observed, but I had an idea of what he was observing.  I didn't comment much.  A former Navy SEAL from Vietnam taught me a lesson over 25 years before this: "never volunteer information!" Even if I had,  it wouldn't have helped him. He needed to experience it for himself. As I did. 
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Icefog
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« Reply #3 on: May 25, 2017, 11:28:34 AM »

I don't know my replacement but I have had conversations with who I replaced and with several replacements of my exBPD partner. Its like H2O stated to me one time... .No person\partner who has bought into her has been pleased with their investment. Its pathological behavior and I have no desire to meet my replacement. I'm certain he was groomed like I was as was the many before me. There will be more after him. Its not about the replacement or you. Its about the behavior of the BPD person. My healing doesn't depend on her or knowing who my replacement is.   
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asiyah93
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« Reply #4 on: May 25, 2017, 12:17:14 PM »

I don't know if I can call her my replacement, he was seeing us both at the same time (to our ignorance). I wanted to warn her about him but at the time I was still his friend and was afraid of betraying him since we were still living together. I feared for my physical well-being more than for our friendship. Furthermore, she was very clear that she would never leave him even though he's been abusive and disrespectful to her and I thought to myself what's the point? She's similar to him in some ways and they have their own song and dance, and if she wants to continue it that's on her. I respect her choice. I did, however, warn her that he's never going to change, so the least she can do is make things easier on HERSELF and not play games too (they play games on each other all the time). I can't stand her for the same reasons I don't like him but now that I'm not friends with him anymore it's no longer my problem.
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Pretty Woman
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« Reply #5 on: May 25, 2017, 01:44:18 PM »

Turkish,
   Thank you for posting this:

 A former Navy SEAL from Vietnam taught me a lesson over 25 years before this: "never volunteer information!" Even if I had,  it wouldn't have helped him. He needed to experience it for himself. As I did.

This is so very valuable. I am dealing with some other difficult stuff in my life right now and this is very applicable advice!

PW
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Hopefulgirl
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« Reply #6 on: May 25, 2017, 09:19:43 PM »

My replacement slandered me when they first got together and then when he ended up doing the same thing to her that he did to me she played nice for awhile. Even friended me on Facebook and acted like she had empathy. It was all a front... .she was just trying to get info on him. When they started dating again she started slandering me again out of nowhere. She somehow felt threatened that he and i had remained friends. Of course before they started dating again my BPD friend said she was just insanely jealous and that she had lost her mind over him and needed to see a psychiatrist.  According to him shes very insecure. Coincidentally shes very wealthy.
    After everything ive been through its pretty awful to know he ended up with someone who continues to manipulate him against me and bad mouths me to our acquaintences. I had really felt for her when he abandoned her, I feel really stupid.
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DazedD40
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« Reply #7 on: May 26, 2017, 02:23:08 AM »

Not yet although I know it's in the pipeline and in her bod the laybook to parade a new partner in front of her ex's. Unbeknown to me she did this at the start of our relationship but when I look back I can. Ow clock what was happening. She ao paraded me in front of the guy she cheated on me with. How do I know? She told me.

I'm now trying to escape her friend zone and know that at some point she's either going to tell me about the replacement or parade him my way. I'm in contact with my ex still so I'm waiting for the txt/call where she tells me she's with someone new or that she's had a one night stand with someone. Wish I could work out why I'm still in contact!
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bus boy
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« Reply #8 on: May 26, 2017, 04:56:17 AM »

Hi Rayban, I never met my replacement, when I first saw him and Xw he was cordial, he would wave but this was very short lived, he now views me as trash, won't even look at me and if he does its a mean stare. i asked around about him, was told hes an ok guy, will be nice to my son, but that he was quiet childish and gullable, the type of person xw can control and from what ive seen over the past 2 years he is jumping through hoops for her. xw is an expert at conflict so she has created a very unnecessary conflict between my replacement and i, well he has the conflict, not me, im not falling into xw's web theres nothing more she would like to see. i thought about telling people that he should be careful but i stayed out of it. if some day he wants to talk, i'll talk to him, until than i just keep to my self.
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Lonely_Astro
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« Reply #9 on: May 26, 2017, 03:36:44 PM »

Yes, I work with her and my replacement. That is a small bundle of joy, as she still (to this day) triangulates me with him. What I mean is she will pick a fight with him (who she lives with, btw) by using me - and try to pit me against him. Even though I have minimal contact with her, she tries to create a triangle of drama between all 3 of us.

I usually ignore it or ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ and walk away. Luckily I'm moving on to another career, so I'll no longer work with them anymore.
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Rayban
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« Reply #10 on: May 26, 2017, 04:01:03 PM »

Interesting. I'm beginning to see triangulation as a method to deflect issues in the relationship, on to a third party.

I also believe that jealousy is an extreme emotion thus  in creating it within somone makes them more easy to manipulate.
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« Reply #11 on: May 27, 2017, 07:16:46 AM »

I'm beginning to see triangulation as a method to deflect issues in the relationship, on to a third party.

remember, triangulation isnt something that someone with BPD inflicts on us. the karpman drama triangle is about a style of conflict, with two to three willing parties who each have a pay off.

for example, meeting the replacement. the question is, is this good or bad triangulation?
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