Should I get help?

[Birdie27]

I am 37 and have dealt with BPD since I was diagnosed at 17. I've never had a stable relationship, and all of my previous romantic relationships have been abusive. I went through treatment 4 years ago for substance abuse. It worked and I was clean and single for the first time in my life. I did really well, although the symptoms would still be fairly constant. But I was coping and happy. Then I met my boyfriend a year ago. He is the first "normal", responsible, respectful man I've ever been with. I love him very much, but the BPD has come back full force and is getting unmanageable. A few times a day now i am triggered into that dark fear of abandonment by his words or actions. Things that I know are totally normal. If he glances away from me for too long, I think he's checking out another woman, wishing he was with her. I purposely don't leave him home alone and even switched jobs so our schedules matched because I'm afraid he will masturbate and lose interest in me or that I won't be what he wants anymore. I'm constantly misreading signals from him. I am convinced several times a day that he's losing interest. I try so hard to hide it, but lately I've been obsessed with the idea that if I left him, the pain will stop. It's not what I want though. I want to be happy and comfortable with him. I have been told in the past I need treatment, but I am absolutely terrified. I'm afraid it will change me in ways I don't want. Or worse, I'm afraid it will open up a freedom and trust on our relationship that will either lead him to cheat, or will lead him to spend more time away from me and I won't be able to handle it. I'm scared right now that I'm going to do something stupid like kick him put or do something to end up in jail, but I'm just as scared of treatment. Anyone else feel this way?

[BeagleGirl]

Birdie27,

I am sorry you are going through all of this.  Most of us on this board are "nons" and can't imagine what you are going through. 

First of all, congratulations on remaining sober.  That is an amazing accomplishment.  I have a very close friend who just celebrated her third year of sobriety on Friday and she is a constant example of daily strength to me.

To answer your question - YES.  Please do get help.  I can hear how frightening it is for you, but I also hear the daily fear you live with now.  I also know that you must have faced similar fear when you were going through recovery for your addiction and you overcame it.  I can't predict the future or speak for your boyfriend, but I would say that the only hope you have of making this, or any other, relationship work is to get professional help.  I have read that DBT is the recommended treatment and have a husband that just started DBT.

I really want you and your boyfriend to avoid a lot of the pain that you could read about on this site.  Getting help NOW is the best gift you could give yourself and your boyfriend.
BeagleGirl

[Lalathegreat]

Hi Birdie27, welcome to the board!

Thank you for sharing your story. It's a perspective that isn't frequently heard here as most of us are nons. I genuinely appreciate and respect your courage.

Yes, please seek help. I find it incredibly admirable that you have stayed sober and are tackling this relationship with a tremendous amount of introspection and self awareness. You deserve the support and guidance that a good therapist can provide, and it will give your relationship the best chance of success. It will take hard work, but my Mom used to say "Nothing worth having comes easy" and I have generally found that to be true in life.

Best of luck, I hope you will continue to post and find support here!

Lala