Distance but supportive is hard in the long term

[incadove]

I'm having trouble managing my relationship with my possible BPD-trait adopted adult children, because separation isn't possible or desirable

on one level, I very much want to be there for them, support them, love them and want them to be happy and successful

I'm fine with setting boundaries as to actual rudeness or clearly incorrect behaviour, in a fairly loving way, and insisting on simple rules of respect (ie get back to me if I ask you a clear and reasonable question)

on another level, its still very deeply painful to me and I keep falling into a moderate to severe depression when I have close interactions with them.  this is because of the alternation between loving and close behaviour, like confiding intimate feelings, with rejection and distance.  while i know this is a BPD trait, and at times I can get the mental distance to understand that and try to give myself the correct distance while still providing some love and support, its very difficult for me because during the closer times I've also opened myself to them and felt closely connected to them.  And while I know this cycle occurs, its not like with a romantic partner where you can just cut the connection, I never will do that to them because I know even though they may act like they don't care much sometimes, I know they have very severe abandonment fears and I know that really would hurt them and also I don't want to.  Mostly they try to act in a kind, principled way but on a social level can be periodically hurtful and rejecting, especially of course if they feel at all criticized or controlled.

so anyway i don't know if this is the correct board, but I am looking to improve myself and not others, and looking for the best way to manage this relationship in the long term without damaging myself - though I can function in my work and family in a sort of low-end way, i am feeling a sort of constant pain much of the time and i know it is affecting myself and also my performance at work and my ability to really be fully present with the rest of my family.  I always avoid any kind of chemical dependence except coffee and occasional aspirin, because i want to solve things cognitively and thru real intimacy with people I'm close to, not by chemical methods, but I feel like I'm failing to do this!  I do have good friends I can talk to on the phone and am working on my relationship with my husband, but he also has severe abandonment in his past. 

anyway thank you for listening and would hear of anyone in similar situation, i'm not sure if I have good advice but i think sharing common experiences is at least somewhat healing - you are not alone!

[heartandwhole]

Hi incadove,

Your post really touched me. I can really imagine the challenge of that closeness and then distance. I think I know what that feels like, too, although not in relationship to adult children. The pain you describe makes a lot of sense. I'm sorry that you are feeling that way. In your shoes, I'm sure I'd feel the same. Sharing deeply with someone only to have them behave in a distant way is one of the most painful things I've experienced in my relationships. 

so anyway i don't know if this is the correct board, but I am looking to improve myself and not others, and looking for the best way to manage this relationship in the long term without damaging myself - though I can function in my work and family in a sort of low-end way, i am feeling a sort of constant pain much of the time and i know it is affecting myself and also my performance at work and my ability to really be fully present with the rest of my family. 

You are in the right place. It sounds like you are taking care of yourself well and have some support. That is so important. How are you at dealing with these feelings, incadove? How does this constant pain feel in your body?

Do you have a therapist that can help you with this? I found it very helpful to talk to someone who cared about me, but wasn't so close that she couldn't be objective and show me other ways to view situations.

Keep posting. We're listening and we care. 

heartandwhole

[incadove]

Thank you so much for the kind and understanding reply.  And yes, I get physical aches and also like a jitter in my nerves where I can't focus, and I went to a massage therapist to help with them.

But, I'm afraid I didn't handle it well.  After asking again for her to talk to me in person, to work things out, and she said to set up a time on facebook, which I tried to do and she said then she'd let me know, and two days later instead of being like kind and assertive and what I should have done, which would have been to let her know that her lack of response hurt me because this was really important to me, and acknowledging that talking about serious things is hard for her too, and might be hard because of my negative feelings - instead I lashed out in an email, listing all the times I'd been there for her and at the end said something I regret.  I know I shouldn't have done that it was in the evening when i get depressed and bitter easily.  I apologized immediately even before she probably saw the email, and again the next day. 

But the bad thing, is I felt so much better after sending it.  I know that's an abuse cycle thing.  And I shouldn't have done it. 

So I have to work now on taking responsibility for my own emotions and giving her some space.  I'm going to see a therapist later this week, and I'm going to focus on being responsible for my own feelings, and not reacting that way.

I feel terribly guilty because in the last few months she actually had come forward to be kind and helpful in ways I'd asked her to in the past, and also she's going through some life changes right now (though I was kind when she reached out to me feeling sad about those, now she's doing ok with friends and pushing me away, but she's still going thru some choices).  So I apologized sincerely for doing that, and I'm giving her space.

Thank you so much for your response, it is so helpful to be understood.  And I'm now able to be open to how I need to change myself, because I'm the only one I can change.

[heartandwhole]

And I'm now able to be open to how I need to change myself, because I'm the only one I can change.

This is such an important step, incadove. And it's not always easy, but so worthwhile, in my view. Step by step, situation by situation, we feel, we process, and we and grow from our experiences. I hope you'll be gentle with yourself on this path.