Divorcing and trying to rebuild

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Our marriage councilor, who we’re no longer seeing (she stopped going after four sessions) told me later that she’s probably suffering from borderline personality disorder. My therapist (who I started going to because I feel so bad about myself now) confirmed to me that she does probably have some kind of mental disorder, but I’m not a Dr., I can only listen to what they say.

All that I know, is as a young girl of 11 she was raped multiple times by her brother who was 13 and under heavy influence of antipsychotic drugs to help him with his bipolar disorder. He recently admitted to me that the heavy dosages of antipsychotic drugs messed him up, and helped him do things he would never normally do. She also witnessed her father and mother have horrible fights, and her dad beat her brother. Her mother also suffers from bipolar disorder, and often creates lies about my wife. My wife has suffered greatly. She never had many friends. The friends she did have, she shut out and left, and now blames me 100% for them not being in her life anymore. She says that I forced her to get rid of them. I still remember the day 6 years ago when she was upset because they canceled a girls night with her, so she went on Facebook and started deleting them, and several other friends. I told her I didn't think that was a good idea. But she was crying to heavily and insisted she was done with them (and except for one of them, she never talked to the others again.) She blames me though, and says I was the reason they're not friends. She says I forced her to get rid of them, and manipulated her and controlled her into leaving them. I've repeated several times that I told her at the time it was not a good idea to get rid of her friends. Her response though is that was part of my manipulation, and that I wanted her to do it.

I know she's endured an immense amount of pain. She was misdiagnosed with epilepsy for 14 years, and was passing out and convulsing violently several times a week for 14 years. I had to load her into an ambulance two times because they couldn’t get her convulsions to stop. She would scream in her sleep about the rape. I stayed with her in the hospital for a week while they did tests on her. Finally, the Dr’s. realized that she doesn’t have epilepsy, but vasovagal syncope, and a problem with her heart (low blood pressure.) and some of the convulsions were from PTSD. As soon as they diagnosed her with that, and changed her medication, her convulsions were reduced to three or four times a year. Her and I then married after dating for three years, and then two years after marriage we had our son. For 8 months of the pregnancy my wife was bedridden due to her low blood pressure and convulsions. After an emergency “C” section, things seemed to be going better for the first three months postpartum, until she suddenly was hit with postpartum depression. Unfortunately, it was ignored by the Dr.’s for the next 8 months, despite her admitting that she was suicidal and homicidal. The psychiatrist who finally caught that she was suffering from severe postpartum depression asked for her to remain in treatment for the next year or so to talk through things, and to adjust her medicine. Unfortunately, she stopped going after the second session. Three months after that, is when she told me she didn’t love me. She told me what helped her realize she didn’t love me, was that I was talking to a female coworker too much. And I was. Not because I liked her or had any feelings towards her, but because we had a horrible boss and I enjoyed gossiping and venting about the boss to her. It doesn’t make it right, that I was talking to her too much. But it was not because I liked her. But for my wife, it was enough to convince her that she doesn’t and never did love me. For the next three months she went back and forth between wanting to be with me and expanding our family. To telling me she's divorcing me and she never loved me. To she's confused, and doesn't know what she feels. There was a period of several weeks where she initiated a lot of intense kinky sex. But what was so confusing, is that right afterwards, she'd look at me and tell me that she's still divorcing me. I wasn't sure what to believe. This went on for several weeks, until one day she told me she filed for divorce, that she liked a coworker (this is the same coworker that during one marriage counseling session that she said she liked. Then the next week she swore she didn't like and he was just a friend.), and she's moving out. Two weeks after she told me that I received custody papers regarding my one and a half year old son. She also told me she's dating someone who she met online the previous week, and that they have a strong emotional connect. Her exact words I believe were "we just click." Then, last night she told me she kissed another man, and she's going out on a date with him. 

She has changed so much. She had a lot of the same erratic behavior when we first married. But I just thought she was a little but immature, and that she'd grow out of it. Shortly after I met her she was very intensely going to church, and wanted to go as much as possible. Now, she almost completely stopped going to church. Now her parents have disowned her, they won’t talk to her or help her, and she has also shut them out. She’s preparing to sue her dad, who she’s always been so close to until now, because he won’t sign anything to sell the house (his name is on the deed.) My son is not doing well emotionally, he’s really struggling with all of this and is acting out a lot. She no longer talks to me. She’s in the process of moving out. She shuts herself in her room and is on her phone all the time.

So right now, she said she filed for divorce, and that’s enough for her to go out on dates and to be physical with other men. She accused me having an affair again this morning. To which I responded I did not, and I've never even thought about cheating on her. But she said I was lying to myself. She told me that I can't take care of our son, and that without her I wouldn't know how to take care of him at all. Meanwhile, it's 9 pm and she's still out on her date (she does this once or twice a week) and our son has been asleep for two hours. Almost every night I put him to bed by myself. She's either out, or in her room on her phone.

I recently hired a lawyer, and am in the process of retaining her. However, money is really tight because she blew through several thousand dollars in the span of the past few months. I feel so lost. Very alone. Incredibly sad for her, for my boy, and for myself. I feel this divorce (which I never wanted, and even now still don't want) is out of control.

[Jordan7190]

Our marriage councilor, who we’re no longer seeing (she stopped going after four sessions) told me later that she’s probably suffering from borderline personality disorder. My therapist (who I started going to because I feel so bad about myself now) confirmed to me that she does probably have some kind of mental disorder, but I’m not a Dr., I can only listen to what they say.

All that I know, is as a young girl of 11 she was raped multiple times by her brother who was 13 and under heavy influence of antipsychotic drugs to help him with his bipolar disorder. He recently admitted to me that the heavy dosages of antipsychotic drugs messed him up, and helped him do things he would never normally do. She also witnessed her father and mother have horrible fights, and her dad beat her brother. Her mother also suffers from bipolar disorder, and often creates lies about my wife. My wife has suffered greatly. She never had many friends. The friends she did have, she shut out and left, and now blames me 100% for them not being in her life anymore. She says that I forced her to get rid of them. I still remember the day 6 years ago when she was upset because they canceled a girls night with her, so she went on Facebook and started deleting them, and several other friends. I told her I didn't think that was a good idea. But she was crying to heavily and insisted she was done with them (and except for one of them, she never talked to the others again.) She blames me though, and says I was the reason they're not friends. She says I forced her to get rid of them, and manipulated her and controlled her into leaving them. I've repeated several times that I told her at the time it was not a good idea to get rid of her friends. Her response though is that was part of my manipulation, and that I wanted her to do it.

I know she's endured an immense amount of pain. She was misdiagnosed with epilepsy for 14 years, and was passing out and convulsing violently several times a week for 14 years. I had to load her into an ambulance two times because they couldn’t get her convulsions to stop. She would scream in her sleep about the rape. I stayed with her in the hospital for a week while they did tests on her. Finally, the Dr’s. realized that she doesn’t have epilepsy, but vasovagal syncope, and a problem with her heart (low blood pressure.) and some of the convulsions were from PTSD. As soon as they diagnosed her with that, and changed her medication, her convulsions were reduced to three or four times a year. Her and I then married after dating for three years, and then two years after marriage we had our son. For 8 months of the pregnancy my wife was bedridden due to her low blood pressure and convulsions. After an emergency “C” section, things seemed to be going better for the first three months postpartum, until she suddenly was hit with postpartum depression. Unfortunately, it was ignored by the Dr.’s for the next 8 months, despite her admitting that she was suicidal and homicidal. The psychiatrist who finally caught that she was suffering from severe postpartum depression asked for her to remain in treatment for the next year or so to talk through things, and to adjust her medicine. Unfortunately, she stopped going after the second session. Three months after that, is when she told me she didn’t love me. She told me what helped her realize she didn’t love me, was that I was talking to a female coworker too much. And I was. Not because I liked her or had any feelings towards her, but because we had a horrible boss and I enjoyed gossiping and venting about the boss to her. It doesn’t make it right, that I was talking to her too much. But it was not because I liked her. But for my wife, it was enough to convince her that she doesn’t and never did love me. For the next three months she went back and forth between wanting to be with me and expanding our family. To telling me she's divorcing me and she never loved me. To she's confused, and doesn't know what she feels. There was a period of several weeks where she initiated a lot of intense kinky sex. But what was so confusing, is that right afterwards, she'd look at me and tell me that she's still divorcing me. I wasn't sure what to believe. This went on for several weeks, until one day she told me she filed for divorce, that she liked a coworker (this is the same coworker that during one marriage counseling session that she said she liked. Then the next week she swore she didn't like and he was just a friend.), and she's moving out. Two weeks after she told me that I received custody papers regarding my one and a half year old son. She also told me she's dating someone who she met online the previous week, and that they have a strong emotional connect. Her exact words I believe were "we just click." Then, last night she told me she kissed another man, and she's going out on a date with him. 

She has changed so much. She had a lot of the same erratic behavior when we first married. But I just thought she was a little but immature, and that she'd grow out of it. Shortly after I met her she was very intensely going to church, and wanted to go as much as possible. Now, she almost completely stopped going to church. Now her parents have disowned her, they won’t talk to her or help her, and she has also shut them out. She’s preparing to sue her dad, who she’s always been so close to until now, because he won’t sign anything to sell the house (his name is on the deed.) My son is not doing well emotionally, he’s really struggling with all of this and is acting out a lot. She no longer talks to me. She’s in the process of moving out. She shuts herself in her room and is on her phone all the time.

So right now, she said she filed for divorce, and that’s enough for her to go out on dates and to be physical with other men. She accused me having an affair again this morning. To which I responded I did not, and I've never even thought about cheating on her. But she said I was lying to myself. She told me that I can't take care of our son, and that without her I wouldn't know how to take care of him at all. Meanwhile, it's 9 pm and she's still out on her date (she does this once or twice a week) and our son has been asleep for two hours. Almost every night I put him to bed by myself. She's either out, or in her room on her phone.

I recently hired a lawyer, and am in the process of retaining her. However, money is really tight because she blew through several thousand dollars in the span of the past few months. I feel so lost. Very alone. Incredibly sad for her, for my boy, and for myself. I feel this divorce (which I never wanted, and even now still don't want) is out of control.

[The Teacher]

Jordan:

You sound like a very rational and compassionate person. I'm very sorry for the situation you have found yourself in. You have done a lot of work to try to make things better. The most important words I heard from my therapist when I discussed my situation with my wife was "You cannot fix her." I, too, had hoped that by being a good person and a loving and supportive husband, my wife would get better over time and change her behavior. I realize now that I only deceived myself and that by not setting boundaries, it only enabled the worsening of conditions in my household. I now understand that although I loved my wife very much, she is not well and will not get better until she gets the right kind of therapy and really works at it. I cannot tell her this, and that makes it all that much harder. I am now towards the end of the divorce process, but it has been very difficult. This site helped me stay sane and people here gave me a lot of encouragement and support. I hope that you will find that here, too.

The Teacher

[Jordan7190]

Thanks Teacher. So, you brought something up that I'm having problems with. I've noticed that my wife doesn't seem to have any boundaries. When I do create boundaries they seem to be thrown back in my face. Example; she tells me she needs space. I say ok. Two days later she asks to come to church with her and my son, and then visit my parents afterwards. I hesitate, but say ok because I want to see my son.

This weekend wanted to come with my and my son to a fair. When I ask for space because she told me the night before that she kissed another guy and is dating him. I'm told that I started all of this by having an affair first and she begins to devalue me and scream at me. Again, I didn't have an affair.

Clearly our marriage is over and we're moving through this divorce, but I am trying to be create boundaries to keep myself sane, but my point is that even "reasonable" boundaries she uses as attacks against her. How did you handle this in your relationship and divorce?

[Panda39]

Hi Jordan,

I wanted to join The Teacher and welcome you to the BPD Family 

I'm so sorry for all of the difficulty you are having with your wife having someone with BPD or BPD traits in our lives can be really tough. 

Creating boundaries is a great place to start but the key is enforcing your boundaries.  People with BPD are often Boundary Busters so it will be up to you to enforce your boundaries, and know that it can get worse before it gets better (you could likely get a tantrum or "extinction burst"... .below is a simple analogy... .

A little kid asks mom for candy, mom says no... .kid pouts.  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom says no... .kid whines.  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom says no... .kid has a full on melt down screaming tantrum. What happens if mom gives in and gets the candy?  That little kid has just learned that having a screaming tantrum will get them what they want.  What happens if mom doesn't give in? The kid learns that no means no and he gives up.


I've also pulled some links for you regarding boundaries that you might find helpful... .

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a120.htm
https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0


This is clearly projection on her part... .projecting her negative behavior/feelings on to you.

I'm told that I started all of this by having an affair first and she begins to devalue me and scream at me. Again, I didn't have an affair.

Projection

Projection is a defense mechanism, operating unconsciously, in which what is emotionally unacceptable in the self is unconsciously rejected and attributed (projected) to others.  Projection is denying one's own unpleasant traits, behaviors, or feelings by attributing them, often in an accusing way,  to someone else.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70931.0

I hope I've provided some helpful material.  Know that you aren't alone everyone here "gets it" because in one way or another we are living it or have lived it too.

Take Care,
Panda39

[AnuDay]

Thank you for sharing your story and messaging me.  You are right.  This is extremely similar to what I am going through.  It looks like your ex wifes mental state was well tracked through her hospitalizations.  I am assuming this is how you were awarded custody of your son?  I would like to ensure that I get custody as well, but I am not quite sure what I need to document.  My pwBPD has never had a job or a place of her own.  Her dad bought her car for her.  She's very irresponsible.  I am assuming that it should be easy for me to get custody.  I just want to be sure. 

[Jordan7190]

AnuDay,

It's still early in the divorce process, so no I have unfortunately not won full custody of my son. Right now my wife is asking for 50/50 - something of course I have a hard time trusting will last. Regardless though, under the right guidelines (adding who's she's allowed to bring around my son, where she's living, and requesting on going therapy that has to be documented) I am willing to sign 50/50 even though it destroys me inside once I start not seeing my little boy everyday.

My wife doesn't know I've requested all the guidelines yet in the divorce, she just thought I would sign and be done. I anticipate some kick back. I've tried to set the table a little bit though by requesting both of us to go get on going therapy in order to keep it 50/50. Which she's agreed to for now. She keeps threatening to go after my savings though, funny, because she spent it all. We had 25k saved up in Jan. of this year, we're down to $3k now I think. Amazing once someone starts becoming more unstable, how quickly it unravels.


It's all about taking one day at a time. But even that can be daunting. So take 10 min. at a time. I can't tell you the number of times during the day I start to panic and think I can't do this and this is too much, and how I want my wife to love me, and to expand our family, and and and... .it's all wishes. Live in the moment. Recognize the pain. Don't dwell on it, don't dive into all the sad depressing angry thoughts. Recognize that those thoughts are there, and continue past those thoughts as if you were driving in a car on a highway and those thoughts are just exits that you could take. See them, recognize them, and keep going. Don't think how can I get through this day. Think, how can I get through these next 10 min? Can I make it another 10 min? Yes. I can put my kids to bed and relax on the couch. Or, I can go for a walk. Or read a book. I can make it through 10 min. And when those 10 min. are up, and see you made it, look at the next 10 min. and go from there.

When we're in this deep it's so easy to look at the big picture, and feel overwhelmed. The one thing in life we know, is that we know nothing. You didn't know any of this was going to happen to you in your life when you were 5 years old. When you were 15 you learned still more and experienced things you didn't know were going to happen. Stay strong. You don't know what life brings. Right now life has brought you, me, and a lot of others in our position quite a bit of pain. And it sucks. Keep focused on taking 10 min. at a time. Love your kids to the best of your ability. Survive. Three years from now you'll look back and say, wow, that sure was a rough time in my life. You don't know what life brings. But, be the best parent you can be, and take care of yourself. And if you can make one goal for yourself, make it to not raise your voice when she starts getting under your skin. We know she'll do it, because that's what they want. They want a reaction. Stay calm, be strong, be better than what she expects you to be. She expects you to yell, that's why she tries to get you to tell, because she wants you to validate her fear or whatever reasoning she has going on in her head. I too am trying, sometimes very unsuccessfully, to not raise my voice at my wife. It's incredibly challenging, as you know. But make that one choice. Your choice to not give in to what she wants you to do, which is to break. She can't control you. She can only attempt to.

Keep me updated, and I'll let you know how my custody and divorce starts moving forward.

[Jordan7190]

Panda,

Thank you, it does help. When you hear the projection from her all the time you start to believe it yourself. It truly makes you feel crazy. You know you didn't do something, but after hearing constantly, you start doubting yourself and thinking wow maybe I am messed up too. It's a very sick game they play, whether they know they're playing it or not.

[The Teacher]

Thanks Teacher. Clearly our marriage is over and we're moving through this divorce, but I am trying to create boundaries to keep myself sane, but my point is that even "reasonable" boundaries she uses as attacks against her. How did you handle this in your relationship and divorce?

Jordan, I was never successful at handling it. I simply had to walk away. Threats of false accusations made that easier, but not painless.

I have good old-fashioned values, integrity, am confident and self-assured.  I had a prior marriage of 25 years that had ended amicably. I was single for five years, met my current wife, and got sucked into her rather highly disordered world-view, slowly, incrementally, until it had a vice-grip death hold on me and turned everything upside-down. It got to the point where I almost believed that it was inappropriate to have lunch with female colleagues, talk with my high school female students about their lives, exercise at a gym, speak to my adult children on the phone when she was not present, not talking to her on the phone all the way to and from work, or do anything independently of her. Doing such things were, in her view "unprofessional", "inappropriate", "sneaky", "hiding things from her", "one step away from starting an affair", and so on. I counted 12 different women with whom she accused me of having an affair or being in love with. To want to do anything that did not involve her directly was viewed as a sign that I did not love her. By the time I learned about boundaries, it was too late. She had too much "momentum." She raged even more as she saw herself losing the battle for control and saw that control slipping away. It was ugly. All this while I was grieving the death of one of my children. Truthfully, the death of my child was what woke me up to how dysfunctional my relationship was. I got to a therapist, and he told me within three sessions what I was up against.

I've had ten months of peace and independence to live life as a normal adult male. Yes, I'm alone, I've been locked out of my home by the courts, so I live in a 260-square foot efficiency, but it's normal, healthy, and tranquil. It has not been easy, but I am getting towards the end of the divorce process. Like the raging "discussions" she'd drag me into, it has only ended because she has gotten tired.

Unlike you, my divorce did not involve children. I feel for you, and the uncertainty that adds. Listen to the sage advice offered here. If there is no rush, prepare thoroughly and do not file until you are really ready, if you decide to divorce, that is.

The Teacher

[AnuDay]

Jordan, I was never successful at handling it. I simply had to walk away. Threats of false accusations made that easier, but not painless.

I have good old-fashioned values, integrity, am confident and self-assured.  I had a prior marriage of 25 years that had ended amicably. I was single for five years, met my current wife, and got sucked into her rather highly disordered world-view, slowly, incrementally, until it had a vice-grip death hold on me and turned everything upside-down. It got to the point where I almost believed that it was inappropriate to have lunch with female colleagues, talk with my high school female students about their lives, exercise at a gym, speak to my adult children on the phone when she was not present, not talking to her on the phone all the way to and from work, or do anything independently of her. Doing such things were, in her view "unprofessional", "inappropriate", "sneaky", "hiding things from her", "one step away from starting an affair", and so on. I counted 12 different women with whom she accused me of having an affair or being in love with. To want to do anything that did not involve her directly was viewed as a sign that I did not love her. By the time I learned about boundaries, it was too late. She had too much "momentum." She raged even more as she saw herself losing the battle for control and saw that control slipping away. It was ugly. All this while I was grieving the death of one of my children. Truthfully, the death of my child was what woke me up to how dysfunctional my relationship was. I got to a therapist, and he told me within three sessions what I was up against.

I've had ten months of peace and independence to live life as a normal adult male. Yes, I'm alone, I've been locked out of my home by the courts, so I live in a 260-square foot efficiency, but it's normal, healthy, and tranquil. It has not been easy, but I am getting towards the end of the divorce process. Like the raging "discussions" she'd drag me into, it has only ended because she has gotten tired.

Unlike you, my divorce did not involve children. I feel for you, and the uncertainty that adds. Listen to the sage advice offered here. If there is no rush, prepare thoroughly and do not file until you are really ready, if you decide to divorce, that is.

The Teacher

My life in a nutshell!  I never knew why I felt so bad having people come over.  Or why when we went to visit my family members she just sat and sulked with a wry look on her face.  People said she looked like Mona Lisa, emotionless.  What a dreadful nightmare doing anything with or without her was.  When she was out I didn't have to be on the phone with her, but if she was awake and I went somewhere I better answer the phone EVERY time she called.  Sometimes I would lie and say my battery died.