Introduction, I suspect my partner of 15 years might have BPD

[bluemonkey]

I came here via the book, Stop Walking on Eggshells.
Long story short, I've been in this relationship for 15 years. There have been some red flags in the past that I now recognise as significant, but our relationship was enjoyable and functional.
My partner and I are both self employed but over the years, since he lost his mother and then his father, more recently he has become more and more reclusive. Even ordinary tasks (such as collecting a parcel) can send him into a meltdown and then I am emotionally abused by him- the full gamut, countering, discounting, gaslighting, the whole dog and pony show.
I wanted this to stop (obviously) so I started to tackle it by reading The Gaslighting Effect and keeping a diary(which I've kept for two years, now) , then I read The Verbally Abusive Relationship and then The Emotionally Abusive Relationship. These first three books did help me to deal with the emotional explosions and I am beginning to learn how to set boundaries and how to communicate, although I am a bit stuck as regards being able to walk out for a day or two at the moment as we are travellers, our dog is so old I can't take him with me as its inpractical on public transport and I have no money (due to partners inability to earn money due to suspected BPD).
But the big revelation I had that he might have BPD, was the Stop Walking on Eggshells book (which was referred to in one of the other books I read), so I thought I'd get that one.
I couldn't really find an explanation for his behaviour before I read this book, but I was astounded to discover that he fits every single one of the criteria for the condition.
I do not feel like any of the abuse I face is my fault, I never have, I've always had good self esteem and have been puzzled as to why I've been treated in this way. I don't nag or judge, I've never complained or given orders myself. But at the same time I suffer dreadful anxiety attacks as although I'm able to rationalise this abusive behaviour, I'm not a robot so of course it hurts me!
I took a big step this weekend and confided in close friends of ours who were visting us. We don't see them often as they live abroad, but they said because they see him so seldom, they can recognise the difference in his behaviour,  they seemed quite shocked and agreed that he isn't very fun to be around.
The tipping point for me was a few weeks ago, we met some aquaintences in the pub (I can't really describe them as close friends, we seldom see them), he started ranting about the behaviour of the company that one of them worked for, not allowing her to speak at all and they actually walked out of the pub. I don't think he could even recognise what had actually happened. I got a text from her later, saying her boyfriend couldn't stand to see her abused in that way.  That's when I really thought, 'we can't go on like this.' 
The last big emotional explosion I witnessed was a few days ago, when he accidentally broke something electrical in our home that we currently cannot afford to replace. He shouted orders at me then accused me of not listening to him (which isn't true, I do listen to him and I am learning to be a more active listener). He then started screaming and kicking things and saying that he hated his home, me, his dog, his life and that he wanted to dig a hole, get in it and cover himself over and hide.
He recently lost his only freelance client and needs more work, but spends his days sitting indoors watching videos on youtube, whilst I run around trying to earn enough money for both of us and hold it together.
We are coming into a significant amount of money soon, so there will be money for therapy. But I also think this could enable him to be even more of a recluse and decline further.
My main reasons for joining this forum are threefold, to save this relationship because I love him and share his values (when he's not behaving like this), I do think it's worth saving, the abuse isn't an every day thing at the moment, I feel positive that we might be able to turn things around.  I want some support from myself and I want to learn how to get him to ask to seek therapy.
I haven't mentioned this to any relatives as I fear without knowing how complex this is they could say the wrong thing and push him further away from asking for help.
I have not yet sat down properly to talk to him about this, I need to learn a bit more about communication in order to sensitively listen to him and talk to him. Because I am constantly being accused of 'not listening to him,' I thought that maybe that might be the subject to discuss.

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[JoeBPD81]

Hi, bluemonkey

I feel your pain. How you have many things against you but you still see there is a wonderful person behind all that. And how you positively know people, outside, who don't know enough are going to misinterpret everythig. Most people her know what you are experiencing.

I have recently found this video about what it feels like being Borderline: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZdjbLFPr5k

You can say you bumped into that, and then one sentence or something reminded you of him. And that you are concern he might be suffering like that.

There is always enphasis in that we don't have to become a therapist. But I think we have some responsibility, or at least, some stakes in helping them, because we are with them way more time than any therapist. There are many balances that we have to keep in mind, between helping them and helping us, between caring/understanding/validating  and enablling/reinforcing bad behavior.

I hope you find everything you are hoping to find here.

[bluemonkey]

Thank you, I will have a look at your link. Its also dawned on me how I really have not helped him, I have enabled him to slip further into this situation by carrying him about, taking the responsibility for alomost everything in our lives, for instance he refused so much to even care to log into our joint bank account that even the bank got suspicious. I need to learn to stop enabling, how do I begin?