Triggered twice by my two BPDs in one week

[caughtnreleased]

The past week has been tough. I was triggered by my BPDex who discarded me. And then just today my mother stepped up to the plate. The whole family including me has been staying at my sisters house and as I arrived home today I get a text from my mother saying that my sister was unhappy with me because I had not thanked her for hosting me. This immediately triggered me. It made me feel like the outcast in the family, like I was unwanted. I asked my mother if my sister thanks her every time that my sister stays at my parents house. My mother discarded the comment and said that it doesn't matter, when someone does you a favour you thank them. I have often been singled out in this way in the family - almost like a cinderella thing - where I am treated as somehow inferior and unworthy of kindness of others. It's ironic because last week my parents stayed at my house, they never "thanked" me and I never expected them to either. It's such an alienating thing. I don't really know what is going and why I am being triggered like this. Essentially I see red when these things happen. I am still upset actually. It's awful to be treated like a second class citizen in your own family. So I ended up texting my sister to ask her if she was upset and if so she should tell me directly. She only answered that my mother had twisted words and was trying to start a fight between us. Which is certainly probably - I know my sister has a penchant for complaining though too. Anyway - it's a really awful feeling that this comment has given me. As though I don't belong. It's a horrible feeling. And I realize it's probably how my mother feels regularly, so she has to transfer these feelings on to me. I am not sure how I can prevent myself from having such incredibly visceral reactions to these trigger points. It's so distracting - I completely lose my appetite, I can't think straight and I generally go on a texting frenzy where I essentially let the other person have a piece of my mind - and of course they retreat. This is always the way. They provoke, and when they succeed in pushing my buttons they retreat, leaving me ranting and feeling like a nutcase talking only to myself. Both BPDex ghosted and so did my mother - stopped answering. Just went silent. What a disgrace. NC is not an option with this crazy woman. Any thoughts on how to manage these extremely visceral reactions? it's so unpleasant and so wasting of energy. BPDex has been placed on a full out BLOCK so he no longer has any way of reaching me really. If he does get through I have no interest in engaging, responding. So that is taken care of. BPDmom though can't be blocked. I need to manage my own reactions to this and obviously today was difficult. Any idea why both these people managed to get to me in a single a week? These visceral reactions have not happened to me in a while.

[heartandwhole]

Hi caughtnreleased,

I'm sorry that you were triggered so much this past week. That was a lot going on, and I can understand that instant, visceral reaction. That has happened to me, too. It has felt like a shock wave going through my body. Ugh.

What I've been working on when that happens is feeling the feelings without taking action. The immediate action can be an attempt to soothe the emotions that we really don't want to feel or think about. And it can make things worse for us as we lash out, or react in destructive ways. Yes, it may soothe our feelings for a moment, but then we end up having more feelings to deal with (guilt, shame, etc.) from the consequences of our reaction. And round and round we go.

So, if you can, let those feelings move through you. I recommend breathing consciously and focusing on the physical sensations in your body. Try not to focus on the "story" in your head that is feeding the emotions. A space can open up that allows the feelings to move, and then the strong urge to react begins to fade.

Your description reminds me of the "broken toe" syndrome. It's a metaphor I picked up in a favorite book, which states that we all walk around life with at least one core hurt (some say wound), such as, "I don't belong." It's in us, but isn't always in our conscious awareness. Like if you had a broken toe but were just resting with your foot up, you wouldn't necessarily notice it; it wouldn't hurt. But what if you got up and walked among other people and someone stepped on it? Yowzers!

So, when someone touches that wound or sensitive spot, we can feel and react seemingly way out of proportion to what transpired (looking from the outside). But to us, it can feel like salt in a wound, especially when the trigger is someone very close to us. From someone not so close, we might have a small reaction, or even brush it off. The stepping on the broken toe, as painful as it can be, is also an opportunity to become aware of what beliefs we have taken on that cause us to suffer. Learning to show compassion to that part is something I'm working on. Don't know if that resonates, but thank you for sharing so honestly what you are going through. It helps us know that we are not alone. 

heartandwhole

[caughtnreleased]

Thanks Heartandwhole for the advice. It really is a terrible feeling and while the visceral reaction takes over for three or four hours I now realize it also gives me some kind of hangover the next day, maybe even for a couple of days. It really truly is so much a waste of energy. I have been doing meditation and mindfulness for FIVE years... .and still I find myself experiencing these reactions so I get discouraged that all my hard work has not helped me cope better. Once when the BPDex triggered me - a few years ago now - I actually did sit down and meditate because the feelings were just so unbearable actually. It was also after I had sent the flurry of texts though. So perhaps I need to sit down and meditate before all the texting. And yes, I realize that I do feel bad about how I react to these mean comments - although with the BPDs in my life it certainly feels like they are designed to elicit these responses from me - both my mother and BPDex know me well enough. I feel bad because it's not the person I want to be - I feel as though I am out of control and that I have been invaded by these visceral reactions. Although now when I text I explain to the person how I feel. I essentially told my mother that when she says these things it make me feel like a stranger, not a family member, and that it's not her job to relay criticism from my sister. I also told the BPDex that being tossed by him was problematic for me. That he was a good person, but what he was doing was too difficult and ultimately that I deserved to be treated better. Previously I used to simply attack. Now the words I use are different - but still the feelings that go through me when I say the words are the same. So while it seems I have actually changed something - I don't go on an all out assault - it doesn't actually matter to the other person on the line. My mother dismissed that I said I feel like a stranger - ie: I'm crazy for feeling this way. And then ghosted me. The ex did say he was sorry for having bothered me, then ghosted me.

This dig from my mother came just as I was recovering from the trigger of the BPDex. What a ___ty few days.

[caughtnreleased]

as a follow-up - I wrote my mother to tell her my sister was upset with her for having sought to create a fight between us. My mother responded that she knew it would all be her fault in the end. (This is a typical phrase she uses) I told her that in the future she should stay out of these things but she could be relieved because my sister and I are not angry with eachother. I want to make sure that she understands that if she tries to create division - it will backfire on her and that I will remove her from the triangle as someone who holds power to divide. Will she learn? I don't know. But I do think I robbed her of her power... .she may try and trigger my sister though. We'll see how that goes over.

[heartandwhole]

I want to make sure that she understands that if she tries to create division - it will backfire on her and that I will remove her from the triangle as someone who holds power to divide. Will she learn? I don't know. But I do think I robbed her of her power... .she may try and trigger my sister though. We'll see how that goes over.

I really get this, caught. It is understandable that after this event with your sister you would want to let your mom know where you stand. My understanding of drama triangles, though, is that getting it to fall apart requires you to move toward the center; in other words, you don't jump into the victim, persecutor, or rescuer role.

What if something like that happened again-- do you think you could process your feelings and then tell your mom something like, "Thanks for the info., mom, but I'd rather hear from Sis directly. In the future, please keep any confidences she shares with you to yourself." 

Something similar happened in my family, too. And I was highly upset (tears). I think it happens in most families. In my view, the most important thing is managing your feelings and reactions to this kind of stuff. Then I bet that this won't be as painful as it has been. At least, that has been my experience.

What do you think?

heartandwhole

[caughtnreleased]

Hi heartandhole, i absolutely agree that mitigating my reactions will help. I am intrigued when you say "moving into the middle". My mothers reaction was to sulk and i told her not to worry since sis and i werent angry and i was not angry with mum. Kind of like: everything is resolved which i hoped took the steam out of her sulking. There was a pattern in my family of my sis and mom ostracizing me so obviously when my sis makes a criticism behind my back and mom gives weight to it by then repeating AND justifying I was horribly triggered.

[Grey Kitty]

BPDmom though can't be blocked.

$.02 here... .

You CAN block your mother. I know people who have done exactly that.

I think you are choosing not to do so, and chances are you are making that choice for good reasons.

But for me, realizing that I do have the power to make a choice, and that even though this one is difficult and unpleasant in some ways... .it is still the best one helps.

It feels much more powerful to make that choice, and much less stuck than when you feel you don't have a choice.

[caughtnreleased]

This is a good point greykitty. You are correct. I have gone NC with my mother for about 4-5 months. It was an extremely difficult thing to do however, I would say that it was productive in that I set my boundaries after unacceptable behaviour and she realized that I could and would do it if she behaved unacceptably. For the most part she has not gone back to the behaviour that triggered me to go NC. That doesn't mean she doesn't misbehave on occasion.

[Grey Kitty]

For the most part she has not gone back to the behaviour that triggered me to go NC.

  That's good--it is some progress!

One other reminder--your standards of what behavior you will tolerate can change. In fact, when dealing with an abusive r/s with a pwBPD, that's pretty common--you decide you've had ENOUGH, and you enforce a boundary to protect yourself from the worst things--the ones you simply cannot stand. Then after all parties get used to the 'new normal' you may discover that something smaller... .something you didn't even notice before... .is now something worth taking a stand on.

Going NC is pretty harsh and difficult too. If you can protect yourself from specific behavior in the moment when it starts, perhaps ending a conversation and not talking on the phone or reading texts until that dysregulation passes, or whatever, without going NC for months, that's a lot easier and better.