I don't know how to handle this anymore please helpreed

[Bubbagump113]

Long story short - it happened - she flipped the switch after 2 years and painted me black. We're both in our early 20's. After days and days of research and reading I'm almost positive she has uBPD but I could use your opinions and advice in whether or not this is true.

We dated for 2 years, up until a week ago all she would talk about is Marriage, when can I move in with you, when will you pop the question... .etc. Then out of nowhere the switch flips. "I want a break, I still love you but I need space for myself and time to figure out what I want. Everything is moving so fast and maybe I'll go on a date or two to see if I really love you while we're on break." It was devastating.

Up until this point there were so many red flags that I should have noticed earlier but until a coworker mentioned it to me I never knew about BPD or what it was, so the red flags just came off as confusion.

In a nutshell this is what I've put up with in the last 2 years (we don't live together but she would come over and spend 3-4 days/week at my place):

Telling me she loves me 3 weeks into the relationship (I'm her 2nd boyfriend, 1st one was just in high school). For a year would tell me how perfect and amazing and smart I am before all the issues started.

Very very heavy self-esteem issues where she thinks shes a failure in life and tells me I deserve someone better and should leave her to find someone else - followed by please don't leave me I love you so much.

Constant arguments that I'm mean and passive aggressive to her (when I'm not, sometimes I get stressed after work and want time to be by myself to just de-stress).

Ideations of suicide because how horrible her life is (she has only 1 friend who treats her absolutely like ___) and how she always feels empty and isn't happy with what how she doesn't have more friends - She took this so far one night that after a fight she said leave me alone so I walked away and stopped talking to her, so she went to take a bath then 30 min later comes back at me yelling "Why didn't you come in to help me? I went under the water and tried to stop breathing because I was so upset!"

Always telling me that I'm more successful than her and that she'll never be good enough for me.

Always worrying that I'm going to leave her because she thinks I miss my friends and family (I'm originally from another state).

Breaking down crying "Something's wrong with me, I think I'm bipolar I'm so sorry. Please don't leave me" (I never gave the slightest hint that I wanted to leave).

If I don't reply to a text within 20 min I start getting more texts back " ok I guess you don't like me."

Face timing with her for 40 min to an hour and telling uBPD hey I love you but I gotta go take care of this thing real quick before bed she get's angry at me for not wanting to talk more.

Constant dissatisfaction where she is in life and saying that she will never be successful and will never achieve X goal and that I should leave her, followed shortly with an outburst of tears "please don't leave me I love you so much"

Some nights I would go to bed crying because of how mean and distant she was to me out of nowhere, like perfectly fine one moment then completely hates me the next, then the next day she's perfectly fine again.

Constantly asking me "do your friends like me? Are you sure they like me? What did they say about me? I think your friends don't like me!" - Asks the same things about my family - Everyone loves her and never gives any negative indications whatsoever.

When we go out always breaking down crying because her friends aren't giving her enough attention and I should do something about it.

The last 2 years were characterized with cycles of us being fine, her getting extremely upset emotionally over the smallest thing, storming out the door, then hours later coming back and hugging me and saying I'm so sorry I'm so sorry.

Our relationship was at the point that as soon as she would come over I would wonder to myself "how long will we go before something small sets her off and she gets super emotional and irrational at me? Rarely ever went a full day without an emotional breakdown and her accusing me of doing something wrong when all I showed her was love and affection.

After she said she wanted a break she texted me the next day "Are you trying to piss me off? why the ___ did you add this girl on facebook? (it was an ex I dated 5 years ago) I didn't reply

A week ago my family visited and we spent a great weekend together everyone was so happy and she was so excited talking about the future and marriage, etc. Then she spends the next 2 days drinking heavily, meets up with me and goes "we need to talk, we're taking a break, I don't know what I want anymore, etc." Complete emotional 180. Refuses to work through issues with me and doesn't want to meet me half way to discuss everything maturely. Tells me "I'm going to go on a date with someone while we're on break."

I told my mother about everything and she insisted I write uBPD a heartfelt apology letter for things I did wrong, send it, give her a day to think about it and then go down to her house to talk to her. So a week after she started the break I did this. I wrote a very long email apologizing for things on my end and telling her I was sorry. Waited and 2 days later drove down with flowers to where she lives. Knock, nobody answers, so I drove to a parking lot down the street. An hour later she calls me "What the ___ are you doing? I told you I wanted space, why the ___ did you show up? That's creepy. I don't want flowers, I don't want to talk to you or see you, I got your letter but I don't believe for a second you mean anything you said, I said I want space so don't even talk to me, I don't know how long this break will last, I'm going on a date with someone etc. etc." This hit me hard. After 2 years you won't even open the door to have a mature conversation and talk about things? That's not normal, people don't act that way. After that moment I stopped all contact with her completely. She still has us as in a relationship on Facebook, I don't know what to do anymore so instead of removing her as my girlfriend I just hid it from my profile so it doesn't show up. She's not talking to her parents or any of her friends, just being closed off.

After spending days reading forums on BPD and stories from other people it looks like I'm in a similar boat. She just flipped the switch out of nowhere. She painted me black, and nothing I say or do is right anymore.

What do I do? I've gone NC and will continue to do so, just afraid what will happen when she decides this break is over and tries to talk to me again and apologize (if she even does that). Based off what I describe do you think this is a BPD cycle or does she not have BPD and its something else?

Edit: At the exact same time as the break (a few hours later), she got in a huge fight with her parents about how they didn't give her a good childhood and blah blah (her parents were nothing but loving, supportive, and sacrificed everything for her). Her parents told her she isnt being fair and being hurtful, and should go to another family member's house to cool off for a few days. She blamed me for this fight with her parents saying that me and her mother plotted against her.

[SpinsC]

Bubba, we're not professionals and couldn't diagnose even if we wanted to. I will say, though, that it does sound like a pretty typical BPD cycle of push/pull.

When life gets confusing/frustrating/maddening with my uBPD husband, I am learning to treat the actions as his words and allow the words to fly past me. Actions are usually more truthful than words. I've also begun learning that their words have a very short shelf-life. They may have absolutely meant them in the moment, but that moment passed and they're left with only how they felt - which is what they choose to react to.

I'm in here because I'm not sure if I can keep doing this, which means I'm not sure if I can stay married anymore.

Since you have already begun no-contact, that may be the best thing to do. As to how you will react if/when she contacts you again, you may want to read up on boundaries, or your personal values that you require in your life and that you will not negotiate. Then, if she can live within those boundaries, fine. She probably can't if she really is BPD. That being the case, re-instate the no-contact and, hard as it will be, go on healing yourself.

While this break is going on, I do suggest learning more about why you were attracted to her and how you can strengthen the best parts of you so that the easy flattery and attention don't draw you in again.

I hope anything I said will help you. If not, I'm sorry. Best of luck learning more about yourself and about BPD - and maybe the other PD's as well - so you can get onto a path of healthier relationships.