First Post - 18 1/2 year old daughter with BPD

[path2peace]

Well they say the hardest part is asking for help so here I am - please help. My daughter was off the record diagnosed when she was 16 by a therapist she was seeing when she lived out of state for a year with her aunt. She was engaging in scary dangerous behavior since the age of 13 which was her first attempted suicide. After that she became a different kid. Our relationship went from being one of incredibly close and she could tell me anything because I wouldn't judge to one of constant fighting, her sneaking out, hanging out with bad news kids, etc. It got to the point where I was afraid she'd get killed or get raped or even gang raped with the way she was flirting with and messing around with multiple guys. The year away did her good in that she had a nice few month honeymoon period with her aunt where she was on great behavior but then began cutting classes, failed school again and after nearly destroying the relationship with her favorite aunt, finally realized I wasn't the bad guy and begged to come home. When she moved back, I put her in small private school and the head of school/her teacher became a mentor and our mother/daughter relationship healed. She also saw a therapist that didn't do much for her and also saw a psychiatrist for meds who privately told me she suspected BPD but that she had hope she'd "grow out of it." Beginning of her senior year of highschool she fell in love with a boy a year younger from another school that she knew through mutual friends. Never in a millions did I ever think I'd say this but being with this kid was such a great thing for her. He calmed her down, loved her deeply and treated her like a queen. They hardly ever fought - they talked everything out. I've never ever seen such a young couple have such a healthy relationship.
In the meantime she graduated and started community college last Fall. Turns out that she failed her entire first year of college - this is a girl who is incredibly smart - even gifted - so it just kills me. A couple months ago I felt something shift in her. I could tell she was blowing off school.  She cut all her long beautiful hair off and then 2 weeks before her younger brother's middle school graduation she dyed her hair blue. I was horrified but tried very hard to not say much. Then she and her boyfriend broke up for 24 hours but got back together. She broke up with him completely a little over a week ago and since then has been sneaking out of the house again, fooling around with at least 3 different guys (two of them are friends), acts like she has zero emotions about her ex although he's let her know how much he loves her and his heart is broken. She's also been smoking a ton of pot (discovered on instragram that she's been dabbing which I learned is like the crack cocaine version of pot) and drinking. I'm beside myself. She doesn't follow any house rules. Do I do the Al-Anon tough love thing and make her move out praying when she hits bottom its not too hard and that she'll finally get serious about treatment? Or do I allow her to stay here, knowing that she'll continue to do whatever she wants - but at least I can somewhat keep an eye on her if I can continue to have access to her computer and texts.  I'm beside myself with fear and worry. I suffer with a chronic illness myself and I can feel the stress making me worse and yet I feel like a monster of a mother.  Thank you for this group - I'm researching, researching, researching.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi path2peace

Welcome to the forum. You'll find others here that know exactly how you're feeling. It's just exhausting trying to cope with all the drama and behaviours. I'm sorry you're going through all of this.

I replied to you a few days ago and am very sorry to see that it somehow got lost. It's my phone and I really must try and use the computer as it's so fiddly. Many apologies.

When I arrived in the forum I started to read as much as I could about BPD. Take a look at the top right hand side of this page. There's a wealth of information available to you. I found it overwhelming at first and soon started to realise that it's not a race. Knowledge is power. The more I learned the less I reacted and this was my first step as everything I'd ever done before just made things worse.

My DS26 got dx at 24. I understand about risky behaviours and the fear that comes with it. It can tear you apart. I've learnt a better way to interact with my son, a more effective way through better communication and validation skills.

Has anything happened since you posted? How are things with you today?

Hugs

LP

[3kidmom]

I can relate completely. My 19 year old was officially diagnosed BPD this year while inpatient at a psychiatric facility. However, she has been "striving" to get this diagnosis for several years. I have even wondered if her desire to "fit it" has driven some of her issues, beyond her pre-existing diagnoses of ADHD, major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder.  Self-harm has been a constant companion to her since about age 13 (cutting, burning, bruising, pinching, scratching, picking). Her relationships have been often unhealthy and imbalanced.  It seems as though she has a hole in her soul that she is trying to fill. She is also exceptionally bright and musically talented, as well as a college student. She, too (like your daughter) smokes pot and has made many exterior changes recently--shaved off her hair, got a tattoo, pierced her nose, etc. She was always less mature than her siblings and had a later onset of puberty. After starting to gain weight during puberty, she began restricting food and took off about 20 pounds and became pretty obsessed by her shape, then declared that she was vegetarian (as an ethical decision--it has not improved her health). In college, multiple changes have been made to her meds and she began to overeat and rapidly gain weight, which has now morphed into binge-eating and purging. Last week, she was admitted into a residential treatment facility for eating disorders and co-occurring conditions. I'm praying that  our insurance continues to approve treatment at this level so she can heal with near-daily individual therapy and daily group therapies, instead of the band-aids of weekly therapy and occasional hospitalizations. Peace to you.

[Yepanotherone]

Hi there Path , and welcome I too have a DD with BPD , first diagnosed with depression at 15 , that quickly changed to Bipolar disorder , then a few months in "BPD traits " started to kick on in there within the diagnoses , then at 16 , after her 5th hospitalization I think it was ( I've lost track !) she was diagnosed BPD . The last hospitalization in March this year ( her 7th in 20 months ) the doctor also threw in Oppositional Defiance Disorder with BPD and bipolar 2. I felt the ODD was a bit unfair to be honest as at the time , my DD was extremely dysregulated and unstable and was just behaving like any BPD teen who is in complete crises so I never agreed with the ODD and I still don't .
My DD is 17 now and still puts us through the ringer for sure with all of the things you've listed and it's an ongoing nightmare . We've had a nice wee period of stability and normality the last two weeks , I'm enjoying it while it lasts ( because it never lasts long !)
My DD refuses all meds now and in all honesty I don't see her any worse off for not being on medications . Doctors have wanted her on lithium for a few months now but she simply refuses to try anything else as she says nothing has made her feel any better and she can think note clearly when off meds .
She's not in a relationship just now but was in one for 10 months and it was an awful time . It was during this time that her self harm went off the charts and she literally looks like she's been mauled by a tiger now with all the scars over her entire body . It's was also this boyfriend who introduced her to more " hard core "drugs . She used to dabble with smoking a joint every now and again but he got her into Dabs , acid , DXM , schrooms and just before she they got busted by police for dabbing in the local school car park , he was about to get her into cocaine . I thank whoever it was who reported " teens misbehaving in the car park " to the police because if it hadn't been for that member of the general public , I would have remained blissfully unaware of just how much trouble my girl was getting herself into .
Thankfully she finally got out of that relationship and there's a permanent restraining order in place now . She's still hurting from that though and is completely promiscuous right now . She's gaining a lot of weight regardless of the fact she purges . And I dread the day when she gets back into another romantic relationship because this is when she's at her absolute worst .
In any case , I just wanted to share a little of my experience with you in regards to monitoring your DD's messages etc . I too did the same . For months and months , on and off . I tracked everything and found out a whole lot of stuff that I would never have found out about if I hadn't been snooping . I was actually pretty obsessed with it . I felt it kept me 1 step ahead in being able to predict when my DD was going to tell me the next big lie and when she might be getting herself into trouble! I definitely felt the advantage of knowing what was going on in her life and it did allow me to protect her . I also found that she still lied frequently though , she was still seeking her highs with drugs , still indulging in risky behaviors including sex with strangers , I'd see pictures of her cuts , sexting , videos of dabbing ... You name it , I saw it all . I was actually driving myself mad though . My husband told me I wasn't doing myself any good . So in recent months I've simply stopped . Quite frankly I don't want to know any more , the extent of her lies etc . All I need to know is that we are a long way off from trusting anything that comes out of her mouth . There's no point in torturing myself day in day out . I've actually found that a weight has been lifted off my shoulders . We aren't arguing as much ( I used to get myself so wound up and upset because I would be aware that she was lying through her teeth , and our relationship was just one big tension filled arguement ). She'll be 18 in 8 months and I've decided that if she can't figure out right from wrong by then , and I certainly  don't want to be monitoring and micromanaging her for ever more , there is little point in knowing all the ins and outs of her lifestyle . In addition, at some point , I've got to step back and stop protecting her .
I can still access her accounts if I absolutely need to , but I've simply lost the inclination and I enjoy my newly found ignorant bliss .

[path2peace]

Thank you for responding I checked here for a couple days after I posted and got no responses and just felt so sad so am really happy to see these now. It honestly just helps to know others "get it."  She went away with friends for a few days which gave us some calm. She's been back all week and changed her passwords on everything which at least forced me to stop obessively checking her every move. Tonight we had a nice evening laying in bed watching an old movie together - her idea - and then after 11pm she sprung it on me that she was going back out. I remained calm and told her it was too late. She doesn't drive. I told her that I can't sleep when she's out all night and it's interfering with my health as I have a chronic disease I'm batttling. She flipped out, threw the biggest tantrum I've seen in a while and I just kept refusing to engage and then my husband completely lost it. I have to keep reminding him she's sick and engaging doesn't help. Now she has a girlfriend over and I hear her sobbing. This is tearing our family apart. My son adores her and is upset when we're upset with her. My husband seems to think she can just grow up and get it together but I view her as a sick person. I'm afraid to make her leave because she's not equipped to survive on her own but her living here isn't good either and she's trying to live here with no rules which I can't accept as it allows her to control the home. How do you all cope? I'm trying so hard not to blame myself. I divorced her father when she was 8 and he for the most part physically and emotionally abandoned her. For the most part she feels close to her stepdad but after they have a good talk she immediately goes back to the crazy behavior. At this point we're now into summer, she hadn't registered for the next semester and I feel
Like why bother if she's not going to go. Ugh. Never in a million years did I think we'd be living with this. I need tools. I need to not engage and feel frauded when she gets close and then flips out. I cannot even imagine what it's like to be her.

[MomMae]

Hello path2peace,

I am so sorry for all that you are experiencing.  I have a BPD dd20, and can completely relate, understand and empathize to all you are saying! I'm sorry that there was a delay in you receiving a response to your original post and understand how you felt about it.  We all find this forum at a time that when we are in a moment of great need and a timely response does help so much! So sorry that you didn't get one, but it is definitely not because others here don't care. I hope you feel now that your feelings and reactions are 100 percent validated and that this is a totally safe place to seek support and just to vent.

Never in a million years did I think we'd be living with this.

Oh, how many times I have said that.  I cannot believe the things that I have heard, seen, experienced and done in the last few years.  How I long to go back to being ignorant of the dark and seedy side of life.  I want my old life back, but know it is gone forever.  If someone had told me a few years ago that I would ever see my out of control daughter being placed in restraints by hospital staff and police, I would have said "NEVER".  But I did, last summer.  And that is just the tip of the iceberg of the things we have seen.  It feels like everything is out of control.  My house is a mess, my garden is a mess, our dog is getting close to the end and starting to be incontinent, my clothesline just snapped... .big and little,  everything just seems to be going wrong at once, and truthfully, it IS!

She went away with friends for a few days which gave us some calm. She's been back all week and changed her passwords on everything which at least forced me to stop obessively checking her every move.

Can totally relate to the above, too.  Daughter left yesterday with a BF we despise, but after a crazy few days dealing with an unplanned pregnancy and then a traumatic miscarriage, as horrible as it sounds, I literally breathed a sigh of relief when she left.  We need a few days to ourselves.  And I too, went through the obsessively checking her every move through social media, etc, and, Wow, it is like a horrible addiction.  I was so glad when she changed her passwords.  I can still access her phone records as it is in my name, and I do once in a while when she has gone silent with us and I want to make sure she is still alive.  Then if she hasn't been texting anyone, I start to panic, even though I know they now seem to message each other more over the internet than texting (I can only see the numbers she texts)   I hate it when I do check her phone records, because even as I just debate logging in, I can feel my anxiety rising... .and as you say, it becomes an obsession that I then have to force myself to break each time.

Please keep posting, p2p, it really does help.  I was really floundering before I found this site (about 2 months ago) and now I feel like I have regained some control.  I look forward to hearing more from you.  You are a good and caring mother and you have come to the right place to find others who are walking the same path in one form or another.    MM

 

[incadove]

I'm afraid to make her leave because she's not equipped to survive on her own but her living here isn't good either and she's trying to live here with no rules which I can't accept as it allows her to control the home. How do you all cope? I'm trying so hard not to blame myself. I divorced her father when she was 8 and he for the most part physically and emotionally abandoned her. For the most part she feels close to her stepdad but after they have a good talk she immediately goes back to the crazy behavior. At this point we're now into summer, she hadn't registered for the next semester and I feel
Like why bother if she's not going to go. Ugh. Never in a million years did I think we'd be living with this. I need tools. I need to not engage and feel frauded when she gets close and then flips out. I cannot even imagine what it's like to be her.

Hi Path2Peace

I hear you, its interesting as my daughter also had a very healthy relationship where they talked everything out, and also has the same extremely oppositional behavior to any controls. Right now my daughter is doing pretty well, out on her own but with family source of money, and I can step back from guidance to support role; and hoping she continues to do well.  But when they are in the house, I agree it is absolutely necessary and healthy to have rules, that provides a natural impetus for them to get on their own as they are ready.

I think there are in between steps between kicking her out and having no rules.  The best is if you can agree on rules, but if she is reactive and won't discuss it, you can decide on some yourself - but remember to have consequences other than kicking her out, for breaking them.  Also my daughter is extremely reactive to controls, so its important to state the rule but give space to meet the requirements, and let them know that the consequence is just something under my control, that I'm choosing to do, like not provide money, rides, car keys or other resources.  The key is to find something that is under your control so you're not being manipulated, and you can take action when you decide to. Hopefully she needs something other than only access to her room? 

Even if all she needs is access to her room, you can install a lock on it with a key, and just lock her out for a period if necessary.  Not kick her out, but remove access to her private quarters temporarily if she is not obeying the rules. 

I would only do this as a last resort, if she absolutely refuses to discuss and agree on house rules, and completely ignores all of your rules.  I'd try to make the rules reasonable, minimally controlling, and set out ahead of time so there are no surprises.  Like, you have to either register for classes or apply for jobs; you have to do some chores with a list, and to always let you know where she is and when she will be back so you know where to look if she doesn't show up.  Depending on her age you may or may not want to have a curfew, whatever is important to you.  I think the key is to try to control as little as possible, but whatever rules you do set have a way to enforce consequences that is under your control even if she is being unreasonable. 

The Love and Logic book helps with this, I think. 

Good luck, and I hope she will find her way.