Social Media and Divorce

[The Teacher]

Hi. I am 10 months into the process of divorcing my BPD wife. When I filed for divorce, I found that I had to block my wife from email, texts, and social media. Each platform gave her a means to lash out at me about my decision to not spend the rest of my life with her. I do not communicate with her adult children or any of her family members. I got to know them during our 3-1/2 year marriage, but they are her family and not mine. I didn't use them to argue my case or drag them into the legal process. I've been very careful on social media to not speak about my divorce. This site is the one place I discuss it at all.

Not so for my wife. I have learned that she almost immediately jumped into text and social media exchanges with members of my family, engaging anyone who would listen. I have heard some of what she shared, and it was not appropriate or honest. I do understand about painting someone black.

What I don't understand and need help with is navigating the uncomfortable situation of seeing that 10 months later, I have learned that 5-6 family members still have her on their friend's list. I understand why she would not unfriend them, but I wonder why they wouldn't, and how to best communicate with them about it. I don't want to sound paranoid about it, but I have to wonder if she is still reaching out to them to discuss our marriage/her rather distorted view of how I treated her, etc. This is a woman who has extreme boundaries about her private life, yet absolutely no boundaries about my private life (if that makes sense).

I would appreciate some suggestions. I don't see her releasing these facebook friends on her own, but I a not completely comfortable (yet) telling people that it's either her or me. If there is another thread on this topic, or it belongs elsewhere, please let me know.

Thanks

The Teacher

 

[40days_in_desert]

Teacher - Are the family members that you're referring to yours or hers? I'm assuming they are your family members. When my x and I split, I stopped trying to look at any of her social media or any way of looking at what she was doing period. My adult son and mother were still friends on FB with her for quite some time. I asked them and any mutual friends to not share anything that they see on her FB feed with me unless it seemed to pose a safety concern for our children. Fortunately I have a wonderful loving family and friends that respect me as they never shared anything that they saw, if they saw anything.
Overall, I would let it go and live your life. Regardless of what she might say, the best defense against false allegations is demonstrating through actions of who you really are. This may take some time as it did in my situation. People, especially my kids, now see the disparity between what she thinks/says about me and who I really am. I actually feel a little sorry for her. Just a tiny, minuscule bit that she doesn't even see it herself. She resorts to the fact that I have manipulated all of them into thinking that she is the bad guy. So be it... .she thinks I have super powers of mind control over anyone and everyone. If it is important to you, share your feelings with your family members how you feel but let them choose to unfriend or not. Just my suggestion as it worked for me.
As for the comments regarding the double standard of privacy: Yes, I get this in a big way. That sums up our life two years before and since separation day.

[The Teacher]

Teacher - Are the family members that you're referring to yours or hers? I'm assuming they are your family members.
Overall, I would let it go and live your life. Regardless of what she might say, the best defense against false allegations is demonstrating through actions of who you really are.

Thank you for your response, 40days. These are my family members. I agree with you totally. My wife gave up calling my family members pretty early on. She called people she said she couldn't even stand. It was very weird and unsettling.

If it is important to you, share your feelings with your family members how you feel but let them choose to unfriend or not. Just my suggestion as it worked for me.

I messaged family members and friends and it turns out that most of them hadn't even realized she was on their friend's list, and they immediately deleted her. It's not so much about what she says to them as it is what she sees.I have her blocked but she is the stalker type. I do not look for her on social media and have no interest in seeing her or interacting with her in any way. Thank you again.

The Teacher