AtticWisdom
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 8
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« on: June 12, 2017, 07:15:25 PM » |
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So, in this case, I'm the jealous one. I'm hoping to get some outside perspectives, but there's some backstory to explain first.
My GF has been very jealous since early in our (3 yr) relationship. Even though I'm not the kind to even flirt with other girls platonically, she's been extremely threatened by the few women in my life (co-workers, roommates, etc) other than her, and we've had some explosive arguments as a result.
Now on to my jealousy... .My GF flirts with other guys all the time. She's always felt more comfortable being friends with guys, so I've had to get over it to a certain extent, except when it has made me very uncomfortable, in which case I've voiced that to her. But most importantly, she has an ex from 10 years ago... .no matter how much time has passed, this guy is THE ex. He's been a point of contention in every one of her relationships since. They went through some ___ together which I won't get into, but from what I know their relationship was volatile and ended abruptly. When we met, she said he was like a bad penny, and she'd been trying to go NC with him. But he's a cop, and at some point she got word that he'd been shot on duty. From that point on she was reeled back in. We've fought about it before, so she has gone through periods of not contacting him or at least pretending that she was.
Fast forward to a little over a month ago. We'd been in an LDR for a while, and I was preparing to move across the state to be with her and her kids. It was a big deal for me--leaving my job, my friends, my band behind. She came to help me move, and at some point her sister texted. My GF was napping and her sister had the kids, so I checked her phone. Among her texts, I saw a dialogue (for a month or two) of texts with her and this ex. And they were intimate. Not sexts, per se, but he did say some crude things, and their tone together sounded like separated lovers, not old friends. I knew that they talked sometimes, but I didn't know that it sounded like this. I was crushed, I thought my heart would beat out of my chest.
I confronted her about it. I asked her why she hadn't told me that they were in contact again. She went sullen and blank for a few hours before coming at me with this, essentially: The texts were innocent, I was misreading them, I don't understand how this guy talks and he talks that way with everyone, and she didn't tell me because she knew I'd be upset if I I knew they were even talking, but if she didn't want me to know then she would have deleted the texts. She also eventually flipped it around, so that I was at fault for not trusting her, even though I didn't accuse her of anything. I just said that I'd seen them, and that it hurt. She said she'd never talk to him again (implying that she'd resent me for it) and that would be that. But she's said that before, so I didn't even consider it. Plus it's not a healthy option in my book.
The argument lasted for weeks, and it has fueled other arguments. Honestly, she's right. I don't trust her as much anymore. In fact, I'm completely paranoid. And not just with this one guy, I feel like I can't trust her with any guy now, my mind runs wild, where it didn't so much before.
Before I even found this site and the common advice, I found enough distance finally to set a boundary. I told her that I'd work on being okay with her talking to him, if she would at least be honest and tell me when (and how) they were talking. I thought this was a fair compromise.
So she went ahead and started talking to him again. She didn't tell me beforehand, only when it blew up in her face. The ex got mad when he saw a video of us on FB doing something that was "their thing," and chewed her out before (supposedly) going radio silent. And our relationship suffered for that too, she went cold for days. I told her again, that if they got back in touch, to be honest with me.
So a week or two ago, we had a (somewhat but not really unrelated) near-breakup. We patched it up, with me setting more boundaries. But I now know that she contacted him again while we were on the outs. I've kept quiet about it because I don't know the extent, but it bothers me a lot. All of this does. It sucks that I feel like I can't trust her, it often makes me hate myself and it certainly makes me look at her differently. I'm not really sure what to do about that. Since I feel like a certain amount of devaluation has occurred in our relationship, I'm starting to believe that she's capable of anything... .I don't know. Is there a way to stop these torturous thoughts?
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