LC with uBPD mother - took her 4 years to notice

[mntsmith]

Hello, thank you for these message boards they have helped me so much. I didn't know I was going LC with my mother- I just knew if I only said 3 word sentences- hopefully my words would be twisted and used against me. Sadly it took her 4 years to notice-
Two weeks ago she asked me why we weren't close anymore- her friends wanted to know- I seriously doubt she would have ever noticed if someone didn't say something to her.
So I took the opportunity to tell her something- 5 to be exact and she flipped out completely. Said some of the most nasty things ever - all swearing she never said that---( her favorite line) to I miss heard her to I'm crazy and lying. She disowned me- swore and told me not to even come or cry at her funeral. One day during this week long craziness she texted me 29 times!
I haven't answered in 4 days! I'm mentally and physically exhausted!

[Kwamina]

Hi mntsmith

I am sorry you have such a difficult relationship with your mother. What led you to start using those very short sentences with your mother? Was it perhaps after a specific incident or more like a change you made after dealing with her difficult behavior for a very long time?

So I took the opportunity to tell her something- 5 to be exact and she flipped out completely. Said some of the most nasty things ever - all swearing she never said that---( her favorite line) to I miss heard her to I'm crazy and lying. She disowned me- swore and told me not to even come or cry at her funeral. One day during this week long craziness she texted me 29 times!

Is this the first time that your mother has 'flipped out' like this or has this happened before?

You told your mom several things during that conversation. What would you say are your mother's most troubling or difficult behaviors?

I am glad you've found your way here, many of our members have a disordered parent too and know how stressful that can be. Welcome to bpdfamily

The Board Parrot

[Notwendy]

My mother does that too.

I think it helps to recognize "drama bait"- the no win question that seems to result in the nasty messages. Sometimes I choose to not respond to them, other times, I do- and face the consequences. But for me it is important to be authentic and not lie or make something up to avoid conflict. If I don't feel I want to deal with that at the moment, then I have to disengage.

"why aren't we close anymore?"- this is a no win question. You can not tell her the truth, but that isn't being authentic, but if you do tell her how you feel- she gets triggered.

People with BPD have difficulty managing bad feelings. So your mother may feel sad that she isn't close to you. Or she may feel uncomfortable in front of her friends who ask about you. But she isn't able to manage the bad feelings for being at least accountable part of that.

If the question " why aren't we close anymore" was to be closer, then it would lead to some way to make that happen. She may even want to do this, but gets triggered by the answer. Or this kind of drama is how she repairs relationships- gets angry, the feelings are gone, then she is nice again. I don't think this is fully intentional, it is how she interacts.

An example is that my widowed mother says she wants to move closer to me.  I have mixed feelings about this. I know it would be more difficult for me. On the other hand, she is alone and that concerns me. We have discussed boundaries about her living an assisted living type community so she has caretaker support and so on. But recently her behaviors have become difficult.

So the "loaded" question: "Are you OK with me moving" was answered honestly " I have some hesitations that we need to discuss"

BOOM!
 
I was busy so she left 2 consecutive messages on my phone.

The first was just horrible. Yes, she disowned me, will never forgive me... .just awful.

The second was pitiful  " I'm all alone, please don't leave me alone".

By the time I called her back, she was wonderful- all nice and sweet, "forget those things I said on the phone"

It's a cycle and it can feel crazy, but it you see this- and the things she says- as being more about her- and how she interacts with people than about you, it is easier.

But like you I am LC in the sense that I don't share much personal stuff with her. I try to avoid emotional discussions or share personal information as much as possible. It seems better to avoid drama if possible.

[KDRedfox]

Hi mntsmith,
I'm also usually LC and currently NC after our last fight two weeks ago where foolish-me attempted to explain to her some truths.

She's currently "giving me the silent treatment" - from her POV. She has no idea that I'm actually setting a much needed boundary.

But even with NC I'm still mentally and emotionally exausted. I can't even imagine how much worse I'd feel with that constant barrage your mother is putting you through.

Keep you chin up. Surround yourself with your healthy loved ones and don't let her break that boundary down.

And like I read somewhere... .if you feel yourself tempted to let it down,  sit as still as possible until the feeling subsides. Don't know why but it seems to be working for me. Hope it works for you too.