He locked me out of the house

[isilme]

It was just about 15 minutes, but ugh.  I just need to type it out so I can feel I was able to unload a bit.

He was in a bad mood all day yesterday.  We have been slowly working to get his sugar down to a normal range over the last month,  This has limited some of the foods we have been eating and cut many.  I am looking for good options for him for lunch and breakfast, and have been using a subscription food delivery service for most of our dinners, but the last 2 weeks he's been getting cranky at "having" to eat "weird" meals. The service was his idea, weeks ago, and at first he liked it, but I guess the idea of me having to spend 30 whole minutes cooking something is just too much hassle for him to sit and play a video game while he waits (help - ha,  He hasn't cooked much at all in the last year).  He seems to think there is some magical wonderfully tasting food out there that takes no time to prepare that won't raise his sugar or sodium. 

Since his diabetes diagnosis, he has focused on how food was a pleasure in life and what good is living if you can't enjoy what you eat.  He is pretending all he can eat is tree bark, woe is me, kind of stuff.  "What good is living if my legs and lower body don't work and I can eat what I want?  I don't work just to make YOU money."  (I have been trying to get him to control his sugar because I have read that some of the neuropathy CAN be reversed if he would just get himself in control - because BPD is all about maintaining self-control, right? )

Yesterday, I woke up with a bad sore throat, and to him all that usually seems to mean is that he will get a sore throat.  So I stayed in for the morning, and he made himself late for work.  I still got up and put together his breakfast, and then went in for the afternoon.  He came home, in a poor mood already because someone sent an email telling him something that was not praise - one department was asking why he sent out a notice, he replied with his boss' directions to send out a notice.  But this was the end of the world for him.  He treats all emails as if he is in trouble and being yelled at.  He actually climbed into bed and wanted to take a nap at lunch (he never does this) so I packed him a lunch to take back, and then got myself dressed and him up in time for me to go in for the afternoon to be able to keep a meeting.

His messages throughout the day were still off - I could tell he was cranky and in a bad mood.  But I was feeling horrible, too, and kinda did not care so much.  He hit some technical issues and got crankier.  Byt the time we left work, he was in a bad place, and I guess I should have just gone along with him, but it was too much.  I wanted to go home, cook a reasonable dinner, and go to bed.  He had not had his snack, and so was starving,  He let his sugar drop.  So it was a lost cause before I even met up with him.  And by letting his sugar drop, I don't mean he was in danger of passing out - his "normal" level is too high for that.  Basically, he is approaching a normal high for a nondiabetic, but to his body, it feels low so he freaks out. 

He asked if I wanted McDonald's.  I did not. We have our annual physicals this week, he has complained for about 2 years about how crappy he feels after eating McDonald's, and in addition, he was told he should limit his sodium to keep his blood pressure in check.   I wanted to go home and cook the food already in the fridge.  His argument is that he can't wait that long and so he needs food now and he's sick of peanut butter (the one thing I can get him to eat that is supposed to help stabilize his sugar).

I am tired.  I decide What the heck, fine, we go to McDonald's, but I can't talk, let alone order through a speaker, so I told him to trade places with me and drive.  Shouting - "fine - go home, I'm just not allowed to eat."  I'm like, what?  We are going to McDonald's but I need you to order - I can barely talk, you need to drive or we need to go in (he hates both of these things).  Shouts "GO HOME GO HOME GO HOME GO HOME." so I drive home.  He says I have 20 minutes to get food out for him to eat (meal clearly states it takes 30 to cook).  I don't ven change fully out of work clothes and try to start in kitchen.  I take out the trash so I can have a place to toss things as I cook, he locks me out, accusing me of ignoring him.  I have no phone, no keys, and am wearing a work skirt and shoes with a t shirt - all I had time to swap to.

He ate his toast, let me in if I "agree to not ignore him".  Then he stormed off to bed and I finally got to rest on the couch.  He gets sick - he dysregulates.  I get sick, he dysregulates.  I need rest when I am sick. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Grey Kitty]

I have a suggestion for you overall regarding his diabetes. It is going to sound heartless, but please consider it anyways.

Ultimately, if he manages his blood sugar badly enough, it will probably kill him.

Accept that you cannot stop him from doing this.

And accept that if you try to "help" aka try to remind him to eat the right things, try to stop him from eating the wrong things, he will feel like you are trying to control him. (Turns out he will be right, even if your goal is to save his !@#$ing life.)

And he will lash out at you... .and also end up eating just as badly as he wants to despite your efforts.

Seriously... .are your efforts to control his diet/blood sugar levels resulting in either peace in your household OR stable blood sugar levels for him? It doesn't sound like it.


So what does a new program look like? Here's my recommendation:

Cook and eat what you want to eat, when you want to eat it. Make enough for him to join you, and invite him to do so. You will probably choose to eat healthy, and probably choose a diet that will be good for him, as diets to control diabetes are healthy and nutritious for non-diabetics too.

And tell him that you aren't willing to fight with him over what he's eating, so you are quitting your "job" of trying to tell him what or when to to eat. All you will do now is cook for yourself, and invite him to join you if he wants, or eat whatever, wherever, and whenever he wants if he doesn't like it.

BTW, this is a hard-learned lesson for me in my marriage--my wife was fighting her weight pretty much our entire marriage, and I saw how she would eat emotionally, and then feel like she was out of control and gaining weight, (she was!), refuse to weigh her self, or do anything about it, for days, weeks or months, before she did acknowledge it. I *HATED* to watch this. I tried to "help" by pointing out when she was losing it.

When I stopped trying, it actually got better--well, her weight and eating didn't change much, but we stopped fighting about it. And that was much better.

[isilme]

Grey Kitty,

It's still a very new thing - he is only one month out from the initial diagnosis and does not even have a regular physician yet.  An ER took a blood test, told him how high he was, and prescribed him some sugar controlling meds to help him make it to his physical which had to be scheduled 3 months in advance.  I am hoping the MD can get him to listen in ways I never can.

Thursday will be his first real meeting with an MD at all, and she is not an endocrinologist (small town, can't drive 100 mile round trip to the nearest larger city very often, not during the work day and most places are not open weekends).  She has been very good in other things when I've met with her, but she is hard to get into, and we've been waiting out the days to make it to this appointment.

I do not play food Nazi.  I am just the easy target.  I assume responsibility for cooking/preparing foods simply because I want it to get done, AND I clean the kitchen as I cook.  When he DOES cook, it's left a huge mess for me.  I make his simple breakfast in the morning just so we can leave on time.  I could leave it to him, but I would be 10 more minutes late each day if I did that.  Anything that goes wrong has to be my fault, and it doesn't matter what I actually say - he twists it into something that justifies his anger.

I do not expect him to be happy about it, and overall do not police his food - he pouts and does that himself.  I offer to cook him eggs when I cook some for me, he claims he can't eat them.  Pout.  What he can't eat is lots of jelly on toast or biscuits that he believes MUST accompany eggs.  I DO cook my dinners from the subscription and save what he won't eat for myself for the next day's lunch.  Sometimes he eats them.  Sometimes he refuses and has more peanut butter on toast.  He tells me to not buy high sodium items and then complains when I did not buy high sodium items.  Like I said, I am the easiest target for his anger at his condition.  For decades his constant complaint about food is that I "never buy tasty food."  But he can never tell me what food he wants.  He is trying to self-medicate his emotions with food - and since his emotions suck, all food sucks.  He is looking for some feeling of contentment and pleasure from food.  BD won't let him have that, no matter what he eats.  This is a cycle we go through over and over. 

If only we ate XYZ, he'd be happier.  So I get it, and cook it, and it's wrong.  I can't cook.  It's too much trouble.  He can't wait for it to be cooked.  He doesn't ahve the time or engery to cook it.  He needs instant perfect food NOW. 

And I did not want to drive him to McDonald's - I felt sick, I wanted to go home, did not want to eat cardboard meat and fries, and was not really hungry at all myself.  I just wanted something to drink that would make my throat feel better and to go to bed.  And since I do not drink sodas, McDonald's did not have what I wanted (their tea is usually kinda gross, and they don't always have lemonade).  He was welcome to go, but on his own, or he had to at least drive and order - he hates doing both of these things.  I, as an extension of him, was supposed to chauffeur him over there and assist him in ordering crap.

A rational person would have offered to drop me off and go pick up dinner wherever.  He was not rational.  His blood sugar ties directly into his outbursts.  He can be BPD cranky and moody but if he has eaten, it does not get insane.  If he has not eaten, I get trapped in the kitchen with food thrown at me (only one exit).  I get trapped in the bedroom.  I get locked out.  It happens very quickly, and usually, it corresponds with me feeling poorly and not being quick on my feet or able to validate because I'm a little distracted by my own miserable feelings. 

Yes.  He will die if he refuses to get this under control.  He is already in a lot of pain from it.  He has lost part of the control of his legs, his feet hurt all the time like pins and needles, he can't do much of things he used to enjoy, and simply walking hurts.  There are other frustrating issues that come from the neuropathy that as "newlyweds" he is angry about (No matter what is tried, he ends up in pain).  He is not yet 40.  He focuses on dying and how he's not going to be around much longer.  The pain and constant feeling of ill health is feeding into his depression.  I KNOW if he would just stick to this for about 3 months, the flu-like feelings of your sugar adjusting to a lower level would help him.  I theorize that he could get some of his mobility back.  I look at it as a 3-month detox to get him in a good starting place.  He sees it as a life sentence to eating tree bark.  Pout. 

I am very aware that his health is for him to fix, and after years of being yelled at for trying to be "mommy", I avoid things as much as I can in that vein.  I think he is mad at me for having normal sugar levels.  He sees me as the fat one who needs to lose weight, so I am the one who is supposed to have diabetes (but I have no family history of it, which I think is the big factor here).  I do not freak out each time he makes a bad choice.  I am not telling him to poke his fingers to test, and am letting him decide when to do that - I got him the meter, showed him how to use it, improvised a sharps container, and let him choose when he wants to test.  As of today, I think he has tested his sugar about 4 times in less than a month.  He claims there is no reason for it, because the MD can do a test going back 3 months - he refuses to see it as a tool to learn what foods affect him in what ways, and when he's high versus when he's low, how it feels. 

I try to make sure he eats on a regular schedule simply because it helps keep these meltdowns at bay, or at least manageable.   

[Grey Kitty]

General pattern/summary:

He wants you to take care of his needs (food, driving etc.)

He is moody/grumpy about it, and when it isn't going the way he wants it to, he takes it out on you.

I'd suggest you quit doing some of these things when he gets grumpy.

If you are cooking and he starts throwing food, leave the house, IMMEDIATELY, drive yourself to a restaurant (one you like better than McDonalds), and treat yourself to a good meal. Let him continue trashing the kitchen, or cook for himself, drive himself to get food (if only 1 car, tough, he can call a taxi or Uber), or just be ___y and hungry. His choice.

But letting him throw a tantrum at you isn't a healthy option for you, and you should take it away from him.

As for breakfast--same kind of thing--if he won't eat what you make when you make it and leave on time, eat your own breakfast, and drive yourself to work. Let him figure it out himself if he's not able to leave on time.

I try to make sure he eats on a regular schedule simply because it helps keep these meltdowns at bay, or at least manageable.

Trying to keep his meltdowns at bay, or "manage" them is walking on eggshells. It doesn't work. It leaves you feeling like a crappy shell of a person. It doesn't help him either.

I know that standing up for yourself and changing the dynamic is really hard. I also know that when I did it, I felt soo much better about myself and who I was!

[KateCat]

isilme, does your husband see a therapist? Would he see one to ask for a short course of some reliable antidepressant like Prozac? Or see his primary care physician or ask the endocrinologist? I think a doctor would understand his situational distress right away and pull out the prescription pad for him.

Other than that, I agree with Grey Kitty's concerns. Your husband needs to reach within and make a hard decision. Battling with you, locking you out, throwing food--all of these things are distracting him from making the hard choice to learn about his condition and take responsibility for himself. Precious time is passing.

This is really tough. The life skills he has not yet mastered are ones he really needs now.   (I know you know this.)

[isilme]

Guys, I try to do all of that.  I don't stick around IF I CAN LEAVE.  I CAN'T leave the kitchen when he is standing in the only door.  It's a galley kitchen, very narrow, only one person at a time can enter or exit.  I will be seen as trying to cause a physical altercation if I try to shove by him.  It goes into the "makes things worse" heading.  He will shout and then leave, and then I can get out.  So I weather it. 

Yes, he had BPD - so when he is moody and grumpy he takes it out on me. 

But letting him throw a tantrum at you isn't a healthy option for you, and you should take it away from him.

  When I can avoid it - I do.  It's not possible to always avoid it.  Like late, late at night.   Or, particularly when I am sick.  I can't go for a walk when I am sick.  I can't get any rest by shutting and locking a bedroom door - the fight that would lead to would be far worse than being locked out of the house for 15 minutes.

He has BPD AND Diabetes.  Anyone familiar with diabetes knows that low sugar can lead to super irrational behavior.  BPD can lead to irrational behavior. 

So, it's MY best interest to keep him eating on a schedule.  That's not walking on eggshells.  It's just being aware of life and what's going on. I cook for myself at the same time.  It is not putting me out to do it. 

The issue last night was not me not wanting to help him eat on time.  It was that he wanted to drive out and get crap and got mad when I invalidated his desires by pointing out he feels terrible after eating there and I did not want to go there.  Had he been fine going home, I'd have spent 30-45 minutes cooking, eaten something fairly healthy and fresh, and then gone to bed.  Instead, he dropped and hit rage-level and his decision was to lock me out for 15 minutes to show me how it feels to be ignored.

There is no standing up to that.  What good would confronting a person not in their right mind do?  Today, he has "reset" and has apologized, pretty much on schedule by our lunch break.  That seems to be the cycle.  Anger.  Rough afternoon/evening, an apology by lunch.

KateCat, - I stated that he does not have a primary care physician and certainly not an endocrinologist.  We live in a tiny town, it took us calling 3 months in advance to get the appointment this week with a GP.  She is good, and can be the one to refer us to someone if she can think of someone, but most specialists in our region won't see you without that first referral.  Our town is less than 35K people, literally 50 miles away from a larger city in any direction. 

No, he does not see a therapist.  Getting him to go see an optometrist is hard enough, and he can't deny he needs to be able to see.  He would not take Prozac if offered, and honestly, I would not want him on it.  He does not react the expected way to many medications like Vicodin made him hyper, not sleepy.  He needs his sugar under control so his body won't feel like crap every day, and so he will be able to go outside and exercise and get some sun and make himself a good kind of tired. 

[Grey Kitty]

Guys, I try to do all of that.  I don't stick around IF I CAN LEAVE.  I CAN'T leave the kitchen when he is standing in the only door.  It's a galley kitchen, very narrow, only one person at a time can enter or exit.  I will be seen as trying to cause a physical altercation if I try to shove by him.  It goes into the "makes things worse" heading.  He will shout and then leave, and then I can get out.  So I weather it. 

I agree that starting a physical altercation isn't how to make things better, but there are other options. Here's one:

Step 1: Make sure you have your cell phone with you at all times, especially when you are in the kitchen.

Step 2: If he is standing in the door (and raging at you) ask him to move so you can leave the kitchen.

Step 3: If he doesn't step out of the way, pick up your phone, put in 911 (not hitting send yet), and tell him "Not letting me leave is domestic violence. If you don't get out of the way, I will call 911."

Yes, it is an escalating threat. Yes, it is playing hardball. But that's the only thing that he will respond to.

Step 4: (Assuming he doesn't back down) Do exactly what you told him you would. Hit send, and tell them you are trapped in your kitchen and your husband won't let you get out.

Your other option would be to never go in the kitchen when he's there for fear he would trap you, and that's far worse.

Creative choice #3: Is there a window in the kitchen you can climb out of?

Yes, this is hard, but as long as you are trapped by or fearful of his rages, your ability to improve your marriage is severely limited.

[KateCat]

[A]ccept that if you try to "help" aka try to remind him to eat the right things, try to stop him from eating the wrong things, he will feel like you are trying to control him. (Turns out he will be right, even if your goal is to save his !@#$ing life.)

And he will lash out at you... .and also end up eating just as badly as he wants to despite your efforts.

isilme, what are your thoughts about what Grey Kitty has written here? Are you not quite persuaded that it is true?



 

[Tattered Heart]

Sorry you're not feeling well and that you had to deal with this while sick. I hope you can get some rest.

Hasn't food been a reoccurring issue for him? With him being diabetic, I can understand why. If he hasn't been eating well he may need to add in new snacks. Blood sugar crashes can cause behavior issues. He also has the stress of changing his eating habits. It's almost like there has to be an extinction burst to the unhealthy foods. I agree with Grey Kitty in that setting a boundary around his food choices might help. At the same time though, you will still end up having to deal with the physical issues in regards to him eating unhealthy.

I used to have issues with my H raging when he got hungry. When I knew we would be in situations where he would go long periods of time without food, I began to carry sweet/salty snacks with me, such as peanuts, healthy bars, etc. I wouldn't even wait for him to begin to get grouchy. I just handed one to him about halfway through the time without food. He liked it because he thought I was caring for him. Little did he know that I was just preventing a meltdown from him.

Just a thought. If you are cooking and he begins to start getting worked up, would it be possible for you to not go into the kitchen so that you can have a way out of the house if needed? I know it can be difficult to determine if his grumpiness is just grumpiness or will lead to a blow up.

[isilme]

The blow-ups come very suddenly and often unexpectedly, and so I will be doing a normal task - cooking, cleaning, whatever, and they hit after one small incident, poorly chosen word, etc.  Our house is very small, under 1000 sq. feet.  There are few doors, no windows to climb out.  I can't have food on the stove and then leave it suddenly to burn for fear of a blow-up.  I am unwilling to threaten a call to the police and escalate things to that level.  I do not see that as helpful for us at this time.  He is not physically violent.  He is verbally abusive in his rages, which is bad, but after living with physically violent parents, I will not make accusations that are not true, or invite an escalation that would be even worse.

Yes - He will eat what he chooses - I have changed out what I can in the house and when e wasn't paying attention gave away lots of sweets and things we kept in the fridge.  And I look at the added sugars on everything I buy now, to pick the lowest one.  That is not really the issue here.  He ASKED me what I thought about McDonald's for dinner.  I told him, truthfully, I did not thin it sounded good.  He blew up before I could even tell him WHY, and then kept muddling things to where it was a combination of him never being "allowed" to eat a cheeseburger again (lies - I have made them for him and we've gotten others at better places) and how I was a ___ for telling him I didn't like their food (never said that, ever) so why would he drive us there.

The issue was he chose to blow up.  His blood sugar was crashing, making him more likely to blow up.  I came home, I always try to get the trash out in the daylight so I won't forget.  I also like it out so I can throw cuttings and other stuff away as I cook, or dump things left on plates as I wash dishes.  He decided I was ignoring him by doing something other than standing there rapt with attention, and so locked me out so I could "feel what's it's like to be ignored."

used to have issues with my H raging when he got hungry. When I knew we would be in situations where he would go long periods of time without food, I began to carry sweet/salty snacks with me, such as peanuts, healthy bars, etc. I wouldn't even wait for him to begin to get grouchy. I just handed one to him about halfway through the time without food. He liked it because he thought I was caring for him. Little did he know that I was just preventing a meltdown from him.

For me it's both.  I don't like him being grouchy with me, but I also see how he feels like crap before, during and after an episode.  It's just better overall to keep him even. 

If he hasn't been eating well he may need to add in new snacks

He has snacks at work and at home that he could eat as a quick pick me up.  He is still not used to a handful of nuts as a quick snack - he thinks a snack has to be a mini-meal.  He also hates, hates, hates schedules.  I could look at a clock and remember to eat at 10AM and 3PM and maybe again at 7PM or 9PM, depending on when I had breakfast and lunch and dinner.  He won't.  I can't make him.  I am not trying to make him.  He is passive-aggressively trying to deny, I think, that he has diabetes.  I think he is nervous about his trip to the MD tomorrow because that will probably give him rules to follow from someone he may not be as able to disregard.  Maybe not.  I have read that some people take several months to accept the diagnosis, with the first few simply being in shock.  I know that if he would stop being a child about it, he could feel better.  Instead, he wants to kick and scream about it.

This morning he has flipped out again.  He makes us about 10 minutes late every morning, and right now is in some sort of state where he makes statements like, "Sorry we're late, but you're lucky I even go to work."  Sigh.

There are a lot of pedestrians on the way to where I park.  I could not see one and misjudged how a car pulled over (they stopped for a pedestrian I could not see, I thought they were pulling over to let someone get out).  So I went ahead, turned, and then as I cleared a shadow, saw a girl in the crosswalk.  Stopped.  H yells stop.  She passes, just fine, I move on.  For the last hour and a half he has been freaking out on me via messenger telling me to admit I was wrong.  I had.  Many times.  I explained how it looked to me and that I made a mistake about what the car was doing and not seeing the girl till I was turning.  Somehow that was arguing.  Now he is flipping to be a victim in the conversation.  I am trying to disengage - I think it's at the point where I can just let him run rampant on messenger and sigh, have to see him for lunch. 

Bet he has not eaten his breakfast, yet, meaning his sugar is really low.  Pointed this out to him, that his BP is raised and so I know he is having a hard time letting go of it, but it was over an hour ago, and the other car has forgotten, and the girl has forgotten, so can we move on, but now he has taken the tack that all his emotions are not real since they are chemical so of course I don't listen to him.

He says he has a fever.  I know he is stressed about actually seeing an MD tomorrow.  I am on the verge of almost feeling better, but this just sucks this week.  I know it's just a part of him getting at least partly regulated.  But it is so tiring. 

I am not sure what I am to be persuaded by Grey Kitty about - yes.  He will lash out at me.  He has BPD, and I am the person closest to him, so that's kinda a given - it's no even about food most of the time.  I never said I played Food Nazi - H eats what he wants.  I give him good thigns according to what I can read, and when asked, buy him crap if he insists.  I should be allowed to say when asked, I don't want to eat at McDonald's, mostly because I was tired, they have crappy things to drink, and I did not think either of us would feel good an hour after eating.  My interactions with him, my attempts to sway him are almost never verbal.  That backfires.  I try to buy better food.  I try to cook better food.  I do it for me, so I can lose weight.  Cutting sugar and sodium helps me, too.  Asking if he'd like a snack when we are together, or how long he thinks he can go before we make a pit stop when on the road is not being a food Nazi, and it's not a ridiculous thing to do when I know he will either crash and get sick and need to go home, or hee will crash, get sick, and have a rage event, unless I can stuff some food into him. 

[Grey Kitty]

I feel like you are trying to have it both ways with his rages.

On one hand, you say you are trapped, you cannot get out of the kitchen or get out of the house, because he's blocking you and you are afraid of him.

On the other hand, you say "He's not physically violent" and therefore you cannot and will not involve authorities to get him to let you go.

Do you want to feel trapped, living in fear of his rages, or do you want to protect yourself from them? That choice is yours.



I think the really messed up thing about food with him is that he is looking for your approval for his bad choices, and you haven't figured out how to stop participating in that.

He ASKED me what I thought about McDonald's for dinner.  I told him, truthfully, I did not thin it sounded good.  He blew up before... .

OF COURSE HE BLEW UP. He probably wasn't aware of it, but he was making an excuse to blow up.

He *HAS* to know you don't approve of McDonald's for dinner. You've told him this a few thousand times in your marriage already.

He obviously wanted to go there, or he wouldn't be asking.

He handed you an engraved invitation saying "Please invalidate me so I can blow up at you and blame you for it".

Next time he does this, the best response you can have would be to think "He is looking for a fight. How do I protect myself and take care of myself in the face of what is coming", instead of "What can I say that will magically stop him from blowing up at me?"

[isilme]

I think my comfort level for dealing with his rage events is just different than how you want to deal with rage events in your life.

There is no having it both ways.  He blocks my ability to leave.  It's an old trick, you can see it used in campus protests on the news - block someone so they have to touch you to get by, claim they attacked YOU.  His rage seems to center on him not feeling heard.  he's wrong,  he's a hot mess, but he's also off his gourd at the time and if I can stand still for 15 minutes or so, it will subside.  There will be a silent treatment for a period, and snide comments now and then... .and then he will regulate and it will be over.  It may take an hour, it may take a day (normal).  This week is particularly bad, I think, because if the MD appointment coming up, where he won't be able to hide from his responsibilities for his own health as much.  He thinks he is sick (trying to blame me even though I believe my issues were allergy based and he has no similar symptoms).

I am not calling the police when I know that if I can weather the storm for about 15 minutes I will be able to get out because he will storm off to another room.  He has a pattern.  It sucks, but it's a pattern.  It happens usually only about once a quarter.  So why call the police if I am not in physical danger?  Why add to all our stress when this will usually blow over in a day or two, a week at the most?  Calling the police will be an irrevocable act.  Standing in the kitchen waiting for him to just move away is easier and better overall in my opinion.  If I get actually scared, I will find a way to walk out.  We are supposed to be learning to not make things worse.  Calling the police will certainly make things worse.  In our town, he would be arrested no matter what - that's how they work.  That's hardly going to make the next incident any better.  I don't like standing int the kitchen.  I get to express how I hate it and how this whole thing makes me feel, but I also can state I can't understand any benefit to escalating things for the sake of showing some muscle or authority.  I think that is a last-ditch resort if I am in actual danger or am worried about him doing self-harm.  I am not going to cry wolf.

Please remember this current dynamic is pretty new overall.  I am developing new strategies on the fly within a month of learning yes, he has diabetes.  Yes, his meds are going to screw with his moods that we almost had stable.  What used to be his normal of about 400 glucose needs to be about 100.  Anything under 400 "feels" low, makes him act like he has the flu and totally irrational.  This is supposed to take about 3 months to get on track... .I am biding my time hoping it takes about 3 months to get on track.  I'd settle for 6.  I had it where I knew when he needed to eat, and was ready.  Now, the meds are dropping him unexpectedly, lower and faster than I can account for.  He has stated that all he knows is that by the time he FEELS hungry, it's too late. 

He is looking for a fight. How do I protect myself and take care of myself in the face of what is coming"

Yeah - I get that NOW.  But I did not know that at the time - we have this conversation often, and usually, there is a discussion about where to eat - ok, not McDonald's then where?  I was sick.  When I am sick, I tend to miss the warning signs.  When I am well, I'd just go along with it to keep the peace or brace myself and manage it better by having another option. 

I don't talk about this with friends, I don't keep a journal, so I come here to get my thoughts out.  I appreciate the input, but need people to understand, not just here but on other bpdfamily posts, that we all have tried many of the tools, and some work for each person, some don't.  Calling the police may work for Greykitty and there is still an r/s after the red and blue lights leave.  I doubt that would be my case.  It would just take him when he's almost blown out and escalated him to a point of no return.  I try to leave when I see warning signs.  But once it's all started, I have my imperfect ways to deal - and his rages and sugar drops sadly come when it's the hardest to leave - late at night, when I am ill/tired. 

[Grey Kitty]

You are choosing to put up with 15 minutes of raging, to protect your marriage the consequences of standing up for yourself.

I'm not saying you are making the wrong choice.

I'm trying to hammer home to you that it *IS* a choice, and if you are happy with the choice you are making, you are doing the right thing... .and when I read your posts about being upset about the raging you cannot avoid, I am asking you to really think about the choice you are making, because it does have consequences.

BTW, when it comes to calling police, I have been with my phone in my hand, one key press away from dialing 911, but not as I suggested you do.

I'm a man, and my wife wasn't prone to be physically violent, or even toward violent raging, and didn't block me from leaving. Instead, my moment at the brink was when she was more suicidal/self-harming, and if she didn't de-escalate a bit from that, I was going to call authorities.

I was THAT close, and she knew I meant it. And she decided to back down. So the red and blue lights didn't come.

And in your case, he may back down as well.

Consider telling him at a "calm" time that you aren't going to be trapped in the apartment or in the kitchen when he's raging. Put him on notice that you will not put up with this behavior.

BTW, when he is NOT raging, does he think that he was right to yell at you for 15 minutes after the fact? Not just that you 'deserved' it, but that it was the right way to resolve things?

[isilme]

Grey - thanks for trying to help.  I am alarmed, often shocked at how quickly he went from ok to raging, and the intensity of the particular rage that comes with low sugar, but I am not in physical danger when stuck in the kitchen.  My coping method for moodiness is to find a chore or errand and go do it.  Can't be accused of ignoring him if I am obviously doing laundry or at the store.  When he has these low sugar episodes, they happen very suddenly - like a split second can pass and he's shouting.  I freeze like a deer in headlights because I am like, what just happened?  Is this actually happening over a bag of vegetables?  Over my not wanting to eat out? 

I realize the best thing to do for our household IS to simply let is run its course.  I see BPD a lot like verbal diarrhea, and it just needs to get out, and then it's past.   I do not like the time it's happening, but I acknowledge that I choose to take it rather than escalate it. 

Had he been threatening self-harm, I'd have called.  My father used to threaten murder-suicide when I was a teen - he wanted to kill all of us and then himself.  He liked kitchen knives (of all things), and would grab them and after his threats would leave the house with one in hand.  I never knew if he was coming back, or coming back after we were asleep.  And people wonder at my insomnia.  With H, I have never felt that level of fear or danger.  My barometer may be screwed up, but I do not hit that level of fear. 

No, he does not feel good about it later.  He will defend it at the time, but give it a day, and he goes through the silent treatment phase, and then the toxic self-shaming guilt phase, and then apologizes and assumes I hate him as much as he hates himself.  No, an apology does not make it better, per say, but in the 10 years I've bene coming to these boards, I've been working a lot on radical acceptance of H being who he is, that he has this condition in addition to physical ailments, and while I need to vent about it at times, I try really hard to not internalize much of what is said in these encounters.  He disassociates and forgets half of it, and so my hanging on to it just keep me hurt. 

I just need his sugar to get back level somehow.  We had this in better shape on the emotional front before he started treatments, but his body is all jacked up from untreated diabetes, so to make his body better, we need to go through this adjustment period where he can drop suddenly as the meds kick in, ad even if he is not at a healthy level, his body panics, sends adrenaline and other stuff because it mistakenly thinks he is dying.  I know he needs to get past this, and I need to go along with him, but this has been a tumultuous week and it's only Wednesday.