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Avriel

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 12



« on: June 13, 2017, 06:33:02 PM »

Hi, I found out about this site through Randi Kreger's books and thought signing up couldn't hurt. My 23-year-old younger sister is probably high-functioning BPD. She has fortunately stayed away from extremely destructive behaviors, but she tends to drive recklessly, has had problems with binge eating, and often exercises so hard that it is unhealthy (we're concerned she may be injuring her back). She is verbally abusive with all of her immediate family members at times and particularly hates our 19-year old brother, possibly because he took away her role as the youngest, although it's hard to be sure. I think it's worst for my mom, though, because my sister watches her like a hawk. My mom is a very sensitive person and tries hard to protect my three younger brothers from the worst of it, but of course she can't be everywhere at once, or stop my sister once she really gets going. My sister lives at home (has a BA, but is working fast food because she can't decide on a career path) and will get jealous if my mom does anything with another sibling that doesn't include her. It's driving my mom away emotionally, but she can't easily get away physically because my sister is so clingy. It's getting to the point where my mom is on hyperalert all the time from being scrutinized so much.

My sister has never claimed she was abused, by the way. My mom took her to free counseling for a few months when she was 18, but she was smarter than her therapist, who probably had no experience with BPD anyway, and was diagnosed with depression but nothing else. Two other family members--our dad is one--may have personality disorders as well (not BPD), which has made it significantly harder to deal with my sister. Dad resented her when she was born for not being a boy, but she later became his favorite. He just lets her rage at her latest victim while zoning out himself.

So, yeah. Kind of a sticky situation, like a lot of people's on here, but there's not a whole lot we can do about that, except try to stay sane.
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Woolspinner2000
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 2007



« Reply #1 on: June 13, 2017, 09:18:18 PM »

Hi Avriel,

I'm glad you have joined us here at C&H! 

As you read through some other posts, I know you will find others who also have a sibling who has BPD traits. It definitely sounds like a lot is going on with your sibling, and I can see that she is trying to be in charge of all those around her. I am so sorry that you are going through this. Clearly you have concern for your mom and your brothers especially. That is good, and perhaps you will be in a place of helping them when the time is right.

I found in my own life that as I began to understand the effects of having an uBPDm upon me, I was able to gradually share about it, carefully and when I felt safe to do so, with other family members. I never mentioned it to my mom of course because that would not have been a healthy choice for me, but as I've shared with my siblings and even with my dad, gradually the picture is getting clearer, and they've begun to consider and openly admit that she was not mentally healthy. It is not in your power to change them or your sister, but supporting them is huge!

There are other wonderful books to read as well, and we have a great list of tips to the right hand side of our board ------>> > Any sentence you click on opens up with more information. Here is a link to our resources page:

Book Club

Here is another link with some information that may be helpful to all of you:

Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits

Have you or your mom considered T for yourselves?

 
Wools

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There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.  -C.S. Lewis
Avriel

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 12



« Reply #2 on: June 15, 2017, 11:15:28 AM »

Unfortunately, finances are a problem when it comes to therapy: my sister was able to go when she was 18 because she was technically an adult, but since she was still in high school, had no income. Therefore she got it free. I am hoping to get some BPD resources for my mom to read, though. Normally she hates the idea of pigeonholing people and is afraid that some psychological diagnoses (like for ADHD or Asperger's syndrome) could end up limiting someone more than they help him or her move forward. But in this case she's getting extremely frustrated, and I think it would help her to realize that other non-BPs experience the same emotions. She sometimes feels guilty for wanting to avoid my sister. (And then gets a feeling of power because she did something my sister didn't want her to do, like wear a coat I bought for her that my sister hates.)

I've been lucky in that I'm three years older than my sister and didn't get bullied like our younger brothers did. (She's claimed at one point that she thinks her most hated brother would be a better person if he had been bullied. I wanted to say "He was, you did it" but refrained because she would probably have denied it and then said she should have been harsher than she was. When she's in those moods, I've learned not to argue, particularly if the person she's blasting isn't around to hear her.) She blasts me more now that we're both adults, but I don't think I've had a problem with taking it personally. The frustrating things for me are more that she can be pretty demeaning, and I'm never sure how to respond to that (in good moods, she's started calling other people "dog". And of course the fact that you never know when she's going to blow up. It's often hard to talk to her because she goes back and forth between absolutely silly topics (like whether she feels like a vampire, or the formalwear she'll dress her imaginary children in) and rage.
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Woolspinner2000
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 2007



« Reply #3 on: June 24, 2017, 09:05:37 PM »

Hi again Avriel

Thank you for responding. Sounds like there is so much frustration going on inside of you regarding your sister and her behavior, and how she treats others.

Excerpt
Normally she hates the idea of pigeonholing people and is afraid that some psychological diagnoses (like for ADHD or Asperger's syndrome) could end up limiting someone more than they help him or her move forward.

One of the things I note from this site is that so many of the members here have loved ones who have not been formally diagnosed with BPD, as indicated by the uBPD (undiagnosed BPD). One doesn't have to be diagnosed for the symptoms to be real to those around them. For example, my mom was never diagnosed but she certainly showed so many of the behaviors of BPD.  I agree that a formal diagnosis can indeed label a person, no matter what type of mental or physical challenges they face. Do you think your mom is in denial about your sister's possible mental illness?

Sometimes there are places where there is a reduced fee for T. If you decide to go that route to search for someone, ask questions beforehand to see if they are familiar with BPD. This site is a great resource of course and there is a lot of great information here.

Do you wish your sister would change? Do you have hopes that she will? Unfortunately a pwBPD is usually not in a place of change, and that presents such a challenge for those of us around them. We are the one's who need to do what we can to help navigate their inappropriate behavior. We don't have to put up with what they do, but we can make healthy, powerful choices that allow us to grow and stay separate from the sucking into their projection and drama phases.

Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle

This link is a great resource to try and wrap your head around. It's a struggle for me to stay off the triangle myself, but I am learning as I go. What do you think about it?

 
Wools


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