Hi Vanx,
I know there is useful info on this site about assessing what you had in your relationship--that maybe you weren't as special as you thought to your partner etc. It still hurts me--I feel like I lost my best friend. My mind can't settle on what it really was, but I know it was real to me.
My relationship with my exBPDgf was very real to me as well. And when she left me, it was in such an absolute way and so traumatizing to me that it felt like abandonment. The attachment I had to her was so strong all the way up until the moment it was clear that she no longer wanted me part of her life. Up to that point I was still contemplating how to repair our fraying relationship.
My therapist tells me it's about the recent losses in my life in general, the death of my parents. Have others been able to link the grief of this relationship to other loss? I'm never sure. It makes sense, but it still just feels like my favorite person pushed me away.
Compared to my other relationships which ended, the end of my BPD relationship felt definite. With my other nonBPDex relationships, even after we broke up, there would still be limited contact and during this contact there would be an compassionate understanding (sometimes) we would be distancing towards a detachment. Even years later there might be some limited contact (I attended one ex's wedding... .ha!). But with my BPDex, I was no longer able to reach the person I fell in love, even though I would still have conversations with my exBPDgf, there was an extreme disconnect. As if she suddenly ceased to be who I once knew. For me it felt like a death would have been more settling because then I could accept that I could no longer contact my loved one. But here she is, still physically alive and well but no longer the person I knew.
I thought for a long time that I had a problem because I could not disconnect as readily as she did.
I think that it is natural for this kind of loss to resonate with other kinds of loss, such as the death of family members. And just like it takes time and effort to worth through those kinds of losses, it will take time and effort to work through this kind of loss.
Is the special connection I thought I had unrealistic? If it is based on unmet childhood needs, is part of meeting those needs letting go of the soul mate fantasy?
I think we all have the capacity to seek out relationships in order to work through our deep (perhaps unconscious) emotional needs. If our needs are to work through and resolve the injuries of our past, then we will gravitate towards those would could in some way help us. Even if it means seeking someone who helps us replicate that dysfunctions of our childhood.
This was indeed my experience when I found my exBPDgf. Going through this relationship eventually helped me come to terms with my relationship with my uBPDmother.
I am really trying to maintain and nurture other friendships, and I have wonderful friends, but I am so longing for what I thought I had. It's like nothing else is good enough. Can others relate?
I can relate to this feeling. I came to the conclusion, however, that I no longer wanted someone else to bear the responsibility for making me feel whole. I decided that I would have to be the architect of my own happiness. And depending upon what happiness I could build (or not build) I would find a life partner who could compliment this.
I refused the idea (perhaps the fantasy) that I would find someone who would "save" me and who I would also save. And settled with finding someone who I could share what I've learned of myself so long as she would be willing/able to share with me of herself.
Reality never beats fantasy when it comes to feelings. But reality is reality.
How some of this helps.
Best wishes,
Schwing