Hello

[StaticAgeMisfit]

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post an intro, if not please forgive me.

My wife (we've been together for 16 years) was diagnosed with BPD a little over a year ago, but has suffered from it for much longer. We have two beautiful boys, under 6 years old, together and at one time had a very rock solid relationship. She is currently finishing up a year long DBT program and two 2 extended stays at a mental health facility. I know she's trying her hardest at working through everything, but our children and I are on the frontlines when it comes to meltdowns and relapses. I thought I would be able to handle everything that came my way, but as time is marching forward, I'm learning that's not so much the case. I'm looking for advice, to help others, to lean and be leaned on, and hopefully learn some new skills from the experience of others.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hey StaticAgeMisfit and

nice name too 

it sounds like there are some positive things going on - your wife is diagnosed and in therapy. the flip side is that therapy can be a rocky road, and sometimes things can get worse before they get better.

i can imagine its really hard to be on those frontlines with relapses and meltdowns. can you tell us more about whats going on and how we can best support you?

[StaticAgeMisfit]

Thanks for the welcome!

A little bit about me: I've been diagnosed with depression and currently medicated for that and see a psychiatrist weekly. The depression has really shrunk my libedo, and the meds crush it further. My wife stopped initiating sex a while ago, and my own desires only pop up sporadically, add in 2 small kids and you have severe dry spell of sorts... She refuses to see it though. She sees it as a slight against her.     

The current catastrophe (there always seems to be one or on the horizon), is she is absolutely convinced I'm talking to other girls online. This fear holds some water in that I've caught her few a times have inappropriate or sexual online relationships with other guys (which is a seemingly never ending story onto itself).

We had separated for a few months (about other issues), her prompting, and we had gotten back together after her first stay at the hospital, and through some snooping had discovered I was talking a girl online (nothing at all sexual, but some light flirting) while we were separated. When we got back together, I stopped all communication with this other girl without question. So it was there the seeds where planted and the BPD provided the water and sunlight.

I've been accused a lot over the past year of cheating on her (I never have and have no desire to), and accused of talking to other girls online (Not since we got back together). We've had big blow ups about it, and it never resolves itself because how do you prove you're not doing those things? You can't, because there's always an excuse given to every logical point I bring up, to back up her claim. It's not only frustrating to be accused of these things often, but also because she's guilty of some it. And when I bring that up, I'm somehow in the wrong for "throwing it in her face". There's nowhere to go once that bomb is dropped.

I recognize that for a long time, I handled accusations and her prompted arguments about everything, the exact wrong way. I got defensive, went on the attack, used logic, didn't validate her feelings, and/or absorbed all her verbal jabs and believed them all to be my fault. It's only very recently, I've tried pretty much doing the opposite of what I was doing. I can't say I've been able to put out all the fires, but there's some slight improvement. She just lost her job due to BPD effects, she has depression, and she's a cutter. It's a very volatile situation, but I love her despite it all. 

This most recent accusation comes from a text, specifically an emoji. I sent her one, she took it as it was meant for someone else and off to the races we went. We didn't have the big argument because I refused to do it over text form (I was at work) and when I got home, she didn't want to talk about it because she felt nothing would come of it. She was right about that.

Today, I was texting her before I went into a meeting, and I didn't close the text app before I put the phone in my pocket and I guess my leg hit the video chat option. I reached for my phone to check the time and she responded, convinced that the video chat request was for someone else! Again, the truth doesn't make sense to her, only her fears do.

So between that stuff, and the lack of sex, her mind is 100% made up. As such, she's in pain and angry, but it's all based on wrong assumptions. I'm just tired of always having to fend off attacks and accusations when I'm trying my very best to be there for her, my kids, deal with my own issues, and bear the brunt of being the only one working while living in a very expensive city. I'm tired and frustrated at the lack of understanding and consideration on her part for my role and my position. I don't want her sympathy, just understand and respect of my feelings and opinions.

Thanks for listening

[once removed]

i think you have a pretty good understanding of your situation, and your wifes struggles; it sounds like youve been implementing some of the tools, and affecting firm but reasonable boundaries (how you handle texts for example). it also sounds like, though exhausted, that youre taking pretty good care of yourself, which is critical. it seems obvious, but do keep practicing what you have put into place.

youre right that theres no use trying to disprove a negative. i did it myself and had the same results. and if anything, it can only heighten the fears and make you look guilty. its a fine line, because you dont want to shut down her every concern.

can you elaborate on what youre doing that has brought improvement? you mention youve essentially been doing the opposite of what youd done. listening with empathy, asking questions, and getting to the root of the feeling behind whats being expressed can be really disarming and deescalate brewing storms.