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butterflybandaid
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 2


« on: June 16, 2017, 06:33:19 PM »

Hello Everyone,
I came here because I'm dealing with a mother who knows no boundaries. I had to move away from her to get any, she visited me for the first time in 5 years for my graduation from college, and she showed all of her terrible colors her entire visit here. I wanted to set up boundaries but I knew it would start a fight, she was staying at my place and I knew if we fought she would not ever apologize, and there was no way I'd let her continue to stay at my apartment or drive her the hour back to the airport if she refused to apologise in a fight where I stood up for myself and my boundaries. So I let it go- for her sake. Now she's been back home for almost a month and I've barely spoken to her. I kind of need advice with how to handle it, I need to tell her how she hurt me and I need space. But I don't want or need the fight and the drain on my emotions that will happen when I do. All I know is I need space from her because I know I will never get an apology.

During college there were times when I would either get too distracted because I was dealing with crap from her from the past growing up and needed to see a counselor, and one time she decided to call me and yell that if I didn't talk to her more we wouldn't be family anymore (mind you I was in nursing school, in a Bachelor's program, and struggled every step of the way). I was also dealing with issues with my father who I no longer speak with (he's his own can of worms). There was a period of time where I didn't speak with my mother for almost 2 years. I came back to her state to visit, she got dictatory and I stood up for myself and it caused a fight- resulting in me asking if I should leave her telling me "that would be great" and me essentially having no where to stay for the duration of my visit which was then cut short. She never apologized for her part of the fight. She would email me telling me I had to find a new home for my cats or send her money for them, and that was our only communication for 2 years. That is until I decided to go back to visit my sisters and wanted to be able to see the one who was living with her- so I apologized to her and took the whole blame for the fight we had. She then let me know that she's not dealing with any more toxic people in her life, and that essentially if I made one more wrong move she would be done.

I know this is long- Thank you for reading this far if you have. There's really no way to explain it without a long story like this.

While she was here and stayed with me and my fiance (actually husband- we secretly got married so I could have a way to get financial aid when she wasn't talking to me and I needed to start the nursing program. Honestly, telling her we were married would be enough for her to end my relationship with her probably).
The day she got in she hadn't eaten in however many hours due to traveling and unexpected layovers, no fast food restaurant was available to make food at the time it was 3am and most of them were open but were cleaning or having register problems (to which she gave them all a "___ you" we eventually stopped at gas station that was attached to a wendy's who couldn't serve food because they were cleaning and she decided to take it all out on the cashier at the gas station who clearly had no jurisdiction over the restaurant- she was nasty as heck to the poor girl and it was all I could do not to say anything. I get being hangry, but it was no way to act. I brought her snacks that I could quickly get together before driving the hour up to get her but she wasn't in the mood for them.  She was sick the entire time, so for the first few days before my graduation we just stayed at the house. She complained about my sisters constantly (they live in town and neither talk to her- she's done terrible hurtful damage to them too, she doesn't even know where either of them live), I wanted to tell her to stop- but again didn't want a fight and really just wanted a peaceful visit so I didn't. Then the day of my graduation she decided to tell me that she didn't know why her family turned out this way, that she tried so hard not to have a toxic family, and that she has "no hope of knowing her grandchildren" meaning mine and my husbands when we have them. She started bawlling, and told me she'd be crying about that throughout the day because she was tring to process it. I tried to reassure her that there are ways to still know them- (one day earlier she spoke of moving to a different state for a job search) and that I grew up knowing her parents well enough who lived states away- but that wasn't good enough. She left the apartment to go cry and my husband and I couldn't find her after she'd been gone for a few hours when we were going to go out for some coffee. We had to drive around the apartment complex and eventually had to call to see where she had gone. When she met my mother-in-law she was ___y, and she was rude and childish, and bossy, and just plain nasty with her, my husband, and a friend of ours the entire time of my graduation and complained about wanting to go eat as soon as possible (forget me seeing my friends and celebrating that moment). She would be hungry often, we tried to meet her food needs, she never brought or bought any snacks and wouldn't really tell us when she was needing food, but it would make her so nasty. She would sigh loudly constantly. Either out of annoyance of something someone said or just to try to get attention. Any tears she had at my graduation were not for me, they were for herself. It was all I could do not to ask her what her problem was, but I was frightened to start a fight. She almost ruined the day for me. Now instead of just having happy graduation memories, I have so many feelings of frustration and sadness.
After that day in the car ride where I was taking her to see the college I went to she decided to tell me that my mother in law was being "a bully" to me and that other actions of hers were inappropriate. None of which was correct. I know she was acting out of jealousy and trying to divide us. (My mother in law is the mother I've never had, she's anything but a bully and has really been there to help me heal through all of my parental crap). I disagreed with her, so she got mad and ___y and gave me the silent treatment. It was all I could do not to start a fight then. Later on she asked me how I would know if she ever got hurt, if she fell and hit her head at home, in a tone that made it sound like it was my responsibility to know these things. She and my father are divorced and she lives alone. But I am not her keeper. I tried to tell her that there are services I could call if I hadn't heard from her in a while, and she was like "exactly the only people who'd even notice I was gone would be the people at work". I didn't know what to say and was getting even more frustrated. How is her safety my responsibility? Then later on she laughed and said "maybe it would be better that way, at least then all of this would be over". I stayed silent. I knew it was a suicidal thing to say but had absolutely no idea what to respond with.

I'm hurt that she tried to make my graduation day about her. I'm hurt that she wouldn't respect me or my boundaries. I'm mad that she couldn't be kind to the people I love.

At one point she told me that now that I'm done with school I have no excuse not to call her more.
She also tried to tell me that I can move home if things don't work out with my fiance (husband) as though they would go bad.
There's lots more that happened but I've been trying to block out the hurt and pain from my experience with her.
I've wanted to write her a letter telling her I need space, but I really don't know if that's what I want to do or if I need to just drop her and walk away.

I'll be getting professional help soon, but any stories or anything would be super super appreciated. I just don't know what to do or where to go. I can't take the pain from her anymore. I can't take her rudeness and selfishness anymore. I can't hope for her to change, have that hope that she will anymore and just be let down one more time. I’m done. I’m done with all of the negativity. I’m done with all of the stress. I’m done with all of the tears at night thinking I’m someone horrible who just never deserved the loving “mother-daughter” relationship that is coveted and so many other people get in this world.
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butterflybandaid
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 2


« Reply #1 on: June 16, 2017, 06:38:38 PM »

I forgot to add, Counselors that I've seen in the past believe she has BPD and Narcissistic disorder. There's no way to know for sure what she has- she would never in a million years seek psychiatric help. The closest she's ever been was to having a life coach, who told her that she had anger issues and always needed to be the victim. This made my mother angry so she fired her.
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Kwamina
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 3535



« Reply #2 on: June 21, 2017, 09:31:08 AM »

Hi butterflybandaid

I am sorry you have such a difficult relationship with your mother. It can be very stressful dealing with a BPD parent. Having a support network can really help then and that's why I'm glad you are reaching out for support here and will also soon be getting professional help.

I'm hurt that she wouldn't respect me or my boundaries.

When dealing with someone with BPD, boundaries are indeed very important. What's also important about boundaries, is that they are about us and not the other person. Boundaries help us protect ourselves and preserve our own well-being. This requires us to not only set firm boundaries, but also to enforce/defend those boundaries. Whether your mother respects your boundaries or not, I think what's most important is how you respond to her and if you are willing to enforce/defend your boundaries. You cannot control your mother's behavior, but you can control your own behavior and how you respond to her. How does the thought of enforcing/defending boundaries with your mother make you feel? DO you generally feel comfortable setting and enforcing/defending boundaries with people? Perhaps you can benefit from this article:
Boundaries and Setting Limits

Take care and welcome to bpdfamily

The Board Parrot
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