I am finding it impossible to co-parent with my ex-husband

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

After 11 years of marriage and 2 children and suffering so much mental abuse which led to violence... .leaving him when I thought he was going to end my life... .filing for divorce... .agreeing to joint custody... .getting divorced and 2 years later after the day I left... .I did a search online for what to do when someone you love has a disorder because my oldest daughter is showing signs of the same thing he did to me, and I was shocked to find out about Borderline Personality Disorder!  The website was helpguide.org and when I read the articles written about dealing with people who have this disorder I could not believe what I was reading because I could have written it myself!  I had no idea all this time this was an actual thing and that what I was trying to make sense of all this time was not me or my fault at all!  I have since put all the pieces of the last 20 years of my life with him and now it all makes sense.  I don't think he is even capable of co-parenting with me let alone capable of parenting.  Ironically I was already in the process of taking him back to court for full custody of my daughters because of all the violations he has made against the custody court order.  The hard part in all this is I can't prove he has this disorder and even though my lawyer knows he has something wrong mentally and CPS has been called in and reported his need for counseling my daughters are being severely affected by his issues and he has his sister living with him since I left and she is worse than he is with doing crazy things to me and my daughters.  I feel like the fate of my little girls is in the hands of the Judge and the Law Guardian and I don't know if they will see through it and do what is right for my girls.  I'm so scared for them and I am trying to so hard to deal with life in general let alone deal with all the crazy things he and his sister do to me all the time... .and now my oldest daughter has been starting to accuse me of things that I did not do and she has gone as far as to tell her Dad and even the police and CPS and the school counselor that I have been hitting her.  All of which has been thoroughly investigated and the truth known that I did not and would never do that.  He has my daughter so twisted up that I think she is doing everything she can to hurt me in order to make her dad happy and gain his love and approval.  She even accuses me of being the one who broke her dad and I up and that I tried to hurt him and she accuses me of being the one that punched holes in the bathroom door.   I'm just blown away trying to deal with all this and even just process it!  I am seeing a new counselor now who has started helping me personally to cope with everything... .and my ex was just court ordered yesterday to go to the parenting counselor that I have been going to for over a year now.  We'll see how that goes.  He has repeatedly refused any counseling and says I'm the one with the problem.  He also refused to consent to my daughters getting counseling for the last year and had his lawyer order me to take them out of counseling over a year ago with the VERA house where I had already been taking them for counseling after he got violent and I left.  I also got a court order from the judge a few months ago making me be able to take my daughters to counseling without his consent.  Thank god!  They have each seen their new counselors twice now and hopefully they will be a huge part of helping my daughters.  It's been an absolute nightmare that I cannot wake up from.  I'm so sick of feeling like I'm on a roller coaster that never stops to let me off.  But now I know I'm not alone and there are other people out there going through similar situations and I can have hope that the eggshells I've been walking on for so long might go away.  I can't wait to read about other people on here that can share their experiences and advice and maybe get help here on this support group site.   

[Gizzy]

After 11 years of marriage and 2 children and suffering so much mental abuse which led to violence... .leaving him when I thought he was going to end my life... .filing for divorce... .agreeing to joint custody... .getting divorced and 2 years later after the day I left... .I did a search online for what to do when someone you love has a disorder because my oldest daughter is showing signs of the same thing he did to me, and I was shocked to find out about Borderline Personality Disorder!  The website was helpguide.org and when I read the articles written about dealing with people who have this disorder I could not believe what I was reading because I could have written it myself!  I had no idea all this time this was an actual thing and that what I was trying to make sense of all this time was not me or my fault at all!  I have since put all the pieces of the last 20 years of my life with him and now it all makes sense.  I don't think he is even capable of co-parenting with me let alone capable of parenting.  Ironically I was already in the process of taking him back to court for full custody of my daughters because of all the violations he has made against the custody court order.  The hard part in all this is I can't prove he has this disorder and even though my lawyer knows he has something wrong mentally and CPS has been called in and reported his need for counseling my daughters are being severely affected by his issues and he has his sister living with him since I left and she is worse than he is with doing crazy things to me and my daughters.  I feel like the fate of my little girls is in the hands of the Judge and the Law Guardian and I don't know if they will see through it and do what is right for my girls.  I'm so scared for them and I am trying to so hard to deal with life in general let alone deal with all the crazy things he and his sister do to me all the time... .and now my oldest daughter has been starting to accuse me of things that I did not do and she has gone as far as to tell her Dad and even the police and CPS and the school counselor that I have been hitting her.  All of which has been thoroughly investigated and the truth known that I did not and would never do that.  He has my daughter so twisted up that I think she is doing everything she can to hurt me in order to make her dad happy and gain his love and approval.  She even accuses me of being the one who broke her dad and I up and that I tried to hurt him and she accuses me of being the one that punched holes in the bathroom door.   I'm just blown away trying to deal with all this and even just process it!  I am seeing a new counselor now who has started helping me personally to cope with everything... .and my ex was just court ordered yesterday to go to the parenting counselor that I have been going to for over a year now.  We'll see how that goes.  He has repeatedly refused any counseling and says I'm the one with the problem.  He also refused to consent to my daughters getting counseling for the last year and had his lawyer order me to take them out of counseling over a year ago with the VERA house where I had already been taking them for counseling after he got violent and I left.  I also got a court order from the judge a few months ago making me be able to take my daughters to counseling without his consent.  Thank god!  They have each seen their new counselors twice now and hopefully they will be a huge part of helping my daughters.  It's been an absolute nightmare that I cannot wake up from.  I'm so sick of feeling like I'm on a roller coaster that never stops to let me off.  But now I know I'm not alone and there are other people out there going through similar situations and I can have hope that the eggshells I've been walking on for so long might go away.  I can't wait to read about other people on here that can share their experiences and advice and maybe get help here on this support group site.   

[david]

Welcome.
A few things: courts don't care about mental health issues but rather the behaviors of each person. Document the things that are being done that negatively affect your kids. The courts will do something about that. If you can make a plan for the courts to follow that would be best. Example, you can ask the courts that ex get counseling. If he doesn't abide then you need a consequence such as not being able to see/communicate with the kids until he follows the order. You could ask for supervised visitation.
As the kids get older and have more time to process things may get better. My ex ran away when our boys were around 4 and 8. That was ten years ago. She tried serious alienation tactics against me through them. As they got older they saw the differences in what she was saying and doing and what they were actually experiencing with her and me. Her tactics backfired and they no longer believe or trust her.
It does get better.

[Panda39]

Hi Gizzy,

I wanted to join david and welcome you to the BPD Family 

Like you my SO discovered BPD after 17 years of marriage and 1 year into his separation from his uBPDxw.  It sounds like your daughter's behaviors could be a result of parental alienation tactics. Her dad like my SO's ex feelings = facts and because they believe their feeling is fact they can be very convincing when telling their story/reality.  It also sounds like he is projecting his own behaviors on to you.

My SO experienced a similar situation, his daughters did searches of his apartment and reported back to their mother (including what was in the fridge  ), they read his text messages and reported them back, the older daughter asked to borrow his laptop for school work and then tired not to return it (we think mom was trying to hack into it). 

Another incident was when my SO had a lousy phone call with his then stbxw he hung up and threw the phone into the couch, that became throwing the phone and it shattered into a million pieces, then it became he threw the phone at his kids, then it became he wouldn't let the kids call their mom, then it became he wouldn't let his daughters leave his apartment... .all of those stories from a woman who was not even there.    But her daughters went along with it and my SO had to go to court and face a charge of child abuse.  Super concerned mom didn't even show up, told the judge she was sick, where was she really? Out getting a mani/pedi with their younger daughter   

He brought is intact phone to court told his story and the charges were dropped.  His daughters had no idea what they had started, or that it could have meant they didn't see their dad.  They just believed or it was easier to go along with their uBPDmom... .even though she was not there during any of it.

Below are some links to information and book ideas around parental alienation... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=104479.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=216244.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=226013.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=59950.0

Another resource is Youtube videos by Dr Craig Childress.

Getting your kids into counseling is key!  Great job getting that set up for them  it gives them a person to talk to that is outside of the conflict, someone that can help them with coping skills, and someone that can help them work through their feelings around all of this.

I know this is exhausting but you are doing good things for your girls and that is so worth it! Unfortunately, when leaving a marriage/relationship with a pwBPD (person with BPD) it can be more of a marathon than a sprint.  Try to take care of you too, do something fun, hang out with friends once in awhile, escape into a good book or movie (Go see Wonder Woman and get your Girl Power on!  ), get some exercise (get those endorphins going and energy up!) or whatever it is that helps you relax. 

Most importantly know you are not alone!   You have us!    The members here are great for support, ideas, providing tools that can help, and sometimes just a listening ear when you need to vent.

Again Welcome 
Panda39

[purple01]

David, thanks for the insight. My ex is taking me to court because he wants more time with our daughter, I'm convinced it's so he can have the child support reduced. I'm afraid he just might get what he wants. I do have to believe that our 12 year old daughter will see him for who he really is and that things will get better with our co parenting.

[david]

I gave up co parenting years ago. I parallel parent and that works.