I have the urge to snoop and check on my ex--I want to channel the word and thought vomit swirling through my head here
I think of the self as a vase that's filled with water. The vase being symbolic of the body and the water is your life force or whatever the intangible stuff that makes you, you. The years I was in a relationship w/ my dBPDx, my vase was drained. To the point where after the relationship was over (after lots of crying and begging on my end) my vase was empty, I literally (and still kind of do) felt like I didn't have enough me -- for me.
It's been almost two months since I went NC after trying to have a "friendship", and I look back on the last 6 years (4 years in relationship, 1 year sleeping together, 1 year of fake NC bc I was intensly cyber stalking) and I can't help but to think "what a waste". I feel like I wasted the best years of my early 20s chasing after someone who... .just couldn't, wouldn't, be with me in a way that was healthy.
Wasted on someone who was so happy to just drain me of my life force, and when I asked for the same dedication in return I was made to feel needy. Wasted on someone who I gave my everything to and got nothing but lies and betrayal in return.
I'm angry because I let it happen, many times. There were points throughout knowing her that I thought "being there" and continuing to give her my loyalty, my friendship, myself was something noble. There were parts of me that thought "if I stay, she'll see that I'm worth it, she'll change, she'll be with me"
Stupid, stupid, me -face palm-
I can't believe. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this person. How I was completely willing to dedicate my life to make her happy, because it made me happy. I hate myself that there are moments (like right now) that I miss her and wish to the universe that she would reach out. Even though I know that if she did, it would make me very angry, as I wouldn't get what I think I want.
I remember the first time I went NC I had just graduated from community college and started a new job. I was so happy, started going on dates, I was started to feel like me again. Then one day while I was at work she gchatted me, and it was like getting punched in the stomach. It was a simple "hi, how are you?" But it had the force and power of a tornado. Not to long after I started cyberstalking her, reading her personal messages, and "gathering intel" if you would. The Information gave me a sort of power that motivated me to "give friendship a try". Which was really invading privacy and using the information to hopefully get back together. What a waste of my time.
I'm trying to do something different this time. I've gone cold turkey and I can feel everything. It's hard. I feel like a junkie having withdrawals. The urge to log into her stuff can be sometimes overwhelming. But, I don't. I don't want to -- my brain does but *I* don't want to. I don't want to see pics of her and her new boyfriend l, I don't want to see her fuc*ing face, I don't want to get my feelings hurt, and most importantly -- I just don't want to know.
I don't want to waste my time anymore.