New Here - Desperate for help...

[SweetMisery]

Upon recently reading books relating to BPD I have come to the conclusion that my SO is more than likely HFBPD. He has not been diagnosed and at this time I do not feel comfortable approaching him about it.

We have been together for 3 years and although things have become progressively worse in the last six months, when reflecting back some signs were always there. He is more than a decade my junior so I initially shrugged it off as immaturity. Through our 3 years together we have experienced a whirlwind of chaos including leaving our significant others for each other and I was diagnosed and overcame ovarian cancer.

Even though he has almost always been difficult to communicate with and verbally abusive, in January of this year he became dramatically worse. He decided to quit two of his major vices at the same time (nicotine and gaming) and started lashing out ten fold. I thought, "this is normal" given that he cold turkey cut out the things he enjoyed and got comfort from.  He then started heavily smoking weed so I had such a hard time differentiating what was going on. So six months later, even though he has returned to gaming, it has just continued to get worse. My own sanity, health and safety feel in jeopardy most of the time.

His blow ups usually entail 2-5 hour long arguments which no matter how hard I try, fail to diffuse. They always include name calling, threats, manipulation and telling me how stupid, boring, uninteresting I am. He threatens to kick me out but then won't let me leave. Threatens to keep our pet, my vehicle, everything I own basically. I feel like I have been conditioned by his behavior in that I just freeze and don't know what to say in fear of saying the wrong thing. Which only makes him more furious. When I cry it makes him feel guilt and guilt makes him even more mad as well. Lately he has been physically handling me as well, no major harm done yet but I don't want to wait for it to get to that point.

So here I am. I feel unable to share any of this with friends and family. His mother is the only one that knows and she insists I leave him. He says if I give up on him he will have no one. I have begun searching answers and educating myself and feel like I need better tools and advice on how to cope and communicate with him better. I love him even still, although I feel his behavior is taking a toll on my feelings towards him lately. This is my last ditch effort to save myself from further damage and see if this can be managed in some way.

Thank you for listening to my story. Any advice, similar situations and help is very welcome

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Jobloggs]

Hey

Sorry to hear what you are going through. This is most probably not what you want to hear but, please heed my advise.

I was in a similar situation, I've been in love with a bp (only recently diagnosed since our split) since i was 18. I am now 35.

For a long time I stayed away as i could see where it would end, though 10 years ago we got together. The good times were the best, she's my best friend, though I never knew when it would end. We were together 10 years. Over this time I was called all sorts we had so many arguments but I stayed as I was all she had. Somewhere along the line it broke me, I didn't realise how depressed I was. One day she just left as she found someone else.

I had a complete breakdown, I'm now on anti depressants and seeing a therapist.

Despite loving each other for half our lives, she couldn't care less, She's done such horrible spiteful things I cant begin to describe. Shea doesn't care as she has someone new.

If he wont get help, proper help, then as painful as it is leave. The longer you stay the harder it will be for you to leave or when he leaves you.

I'm lucky I've got a loving family and vert good friends (that I struggled to keep).

If he wont get help, you wont be able to fix this. It wil just damage you.

I'm 7 months out and still struggling to stop letting their games affect me.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi SweetMisery! 

Welcome to our online family. Thank you so much for sharing some of your story. I'm really glad that you took the time to tell us some of what has been and is going on. Here's a hug to start with. 

Sounds as if the books you've been reading are helping to shed some light upon your situation. My mom was a HFBPD but never diagnosed. It's tricky to figure out what is going on in relationships with HF people. The confusion and twisting of words and unending rationalization which causes us to question our own sanity is mind numbing. Is that how you often feel? While my DH is not BPD, he definitely has traits that are N, and there are so many reminders of my mom. I didn't realize that I would chose a partner so like the role models I grew up with, yet here I am. I am so sorry that things are so tough for you.

There is strength within you, I can see it from your post.

I was diagnosed and overcame ovarian cancer... .I have begun searching answers and educating myself and feel like I need better tools and advice on how to cope and communicate with him better.

To me one of the greatest things is that you have reached out, beyond your MIL, to let us know. That's one of the first steps, and it took a lot of courage. Kudos! 
Let me encourage you to keep reading and educating yourself, and it is important for you to keep reaching out to those who are safe. In my own marriage (and I've been married a loonnggg time... .32 years!), I'm finally realizing that it is super important for my own mental health to have outside support, but again, I have chosen those I know are safe. It's helped me to not feel trapped, and suddenly I find I have value to others which feeds my soul. Is there any chance that you would be able to reach out to a T? Are you able to get out by yourself?

Upon recently reading books relating to BPD I have come to the conclusion that my SO is more than likely HFBPD. He has not been diagnosed and at this time I do not feel comfortable approaching him about it

I agree with you that it is probably best to not approach your SO about your thoughts at this time. It sounds as if with the long arguments that he has not been open to what you have to say. When these arguments take place, is it possible that you can excuse yourself to go to the bathroom or out to the store or to take the garbage out in order to help them not escalate? What have you tried in the past to help slow down the intensity? Don't feel badly for crying... .it is a normal response to the stress you are under.

Here is a link to a review on a book that I recommend if you have not already read it. There is a new updated version from 2010. Check with your library as they may have a copy.

I Hate You, Don't Leave Me

Here also is a link to help you understand projection from a workshop we have posted:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection

Please let me know how you are.  We are here to support you in what you need.

  
Wools

[foggydew]

Sorry to hear you are having such a bad time. I had a similar situation at one time - my BPD 'friend' lost his job , probably through alcohol abuse, was drinking and smoking too much, and tried to quit both together. I also thought his aggressive and devaluing behaviour was perhaps understandable, and did my best to ignore it. Your experiences with this are very similar to mine. At one point, however, it got too much for me and I lost my temper... resulting in a longer period of little contact. This turned out to be beneficial - I was able to rest and detatch, and he stopped blaming me for everything. He even had some therapy during this time, and we slowly built up contact again. He had reach to rock bottom first, however.
We aren't partners in that sense (any more) but are still very important to each other. I also didn't 'leave' him, just reduced contact to a minimum, making sure he knew I still supported and valued him.
If you take care of yourself and ensure outside contact and support you will be in a better position to use the information and skills you can learn here. You can't help him if you are too much under pressure yourself. He probably feels so bad about himself he is projecting it onto you - if you step back he can maybe think a bit more for  and about himself - you said he is HF (though that may not mean emotionally... )

[Harley Quinn]

Hi SweetMisery,

Welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry to hear you're having such a tough time, and can relate to what you're saying here in particular:

My own sanity, health and safety feel in jeopardy most of the time.

It's so hard when you reach that point, especially when the love is there and it can feel so confusing.  At times I remember feeling like I just didn't know which way to turn.  I also would freeze and be processing in my mind what might happen next and what would I do.  My exBPDbf was always explosive and would use whatever means necessary to keep me in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt), some of which were really extreme.  He wasn't physically abusive at first, only verbally and emotionally. 

When things began to change, it was a bit like a slow drip drip.  I didn't really notice the first couple of times he put his hands on me when he was dysregulated.  It just sort of progressed.  By chance I was sitting in the doctor's surgery and noticed a leaflet on a table which I picked up and read.  It said that the practice is domestic abuse aware and listed different things that a person might be experiencing at home.  I was shocked to see that so many of the things on the list applied to me.  I made a confidential appointment to meet with the support worker who did a drop in there from the local domestic abuse support service and she was fantastic.  I didn't feel particularly at risk, however we made a safety plan and it was comforting to know I had something ready in my mind for if there was a next time and I was prepared for what to do.  Previously I'd been at a loss as my mind would go blank. 

Lately he has been physically handling me as well, no major harm done yet but I don't want to wait for it to get to that point.

 

That's a very sensible outlook, as I was just minimising it and kept thinking it was nothing.  Truly didn't believe it would go any further.  Do you have a friend or family member who lives nearby?  Is there somewhere you could go if things do seem to be escalating?  I have a friend who only lives down the street and sometimes I'd just excuse myself and go to see her for a cuppa whilst he had time to simmer down.  It's handy to think ahead of time about where you can go at short notice if you feel uncomfortable being around him.

I hope that some of the excellent resources on the site, the book recommendations and the support of other members sharing their experience helps you to ease things between the two of you.  It is possible to find ways to improve communication and diffuse the dysregulation, as others have found.  I really got a lot of help from Shari Manning, in her book Loving Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder.  She teaches a process for communication at times of high emotion that you can put to memory.  It did really help to bring him down, although I must admit that most of that communication for myself was by then over the phone with him.  Still, it was effective.  We were able to continue a normal conversation which hadn't happened in a long time.  Keep reading and posting.  I'll look forward to hearing how you are doing.

Love and light x