My beloved mother moved in with us 8 months ago

[veganyogini]

My beloved mother moved in with us 8 months ago (with me, my husband, and 2 young children).  I was very ill at the time, which was part of the reason we agreed to help move her across the country to live with us... .but now she is here... .the mother i grew up with, the one who never acknowledged my existence unless to point out how bad my breath was, or how much earwax I had, or how high my forehead was (___ that, I am too low maintenance for bangs).  I want to just kick her out but she's my mother... .I love her dearly yet she scares the ___ out of me at the same time.  She's also family, and she may not be in what I envision to be her ideal mental space.  I want to be compassionate, but not get used and lied to as she has been known to do at times.  I want to grow beyond her, but I can't put her on the streets... .I don't know what to do.

[Notwendy]

How old is your mother and does she have any resources of her own?

I know that I could not have my mother live with me. It would be unbearable.

Depending on your mother's finances and how independent she is, there are possible solutions- retirement communities, assisted living, transitional living arrangements for seniors. I like these situations as the elderly person is not completely dependent on family for their needs.

Consider that when your mother moved, she also left friends, and other people who she may have enjoyed their company. It doesn't seem much fun for anyone to only have their family. She might be happier in some sort of retirement community living where she can meet people. In this sense- it isn't "putting her out" ( although she may say that) but finding a situation that is good for both of you.

There are resources- social services for the elderly, churches that have activities- clubs, groups, elder day care,. Organizations like the YMCA and JCC that have exercise classes, and other activities. Contacting these places for resources and you may find a living situation that suits your mother.

Without your mother in your home 24/7, it may be manageable to have her over for meals, or do an outing together- as much as you can manage- but your sanity comes first in whatever you do. 

[Fie]

Hello  veganyogini 

Welcome !
It must be unbelievably hard living with your BPD mum. You had to endure her as a child - you did not have a choice. You do have a choice now.
I fully agree with Notwendy. There should be other options that are better for everyone.

You have not only yourself, but also your children to think about. Personally I don't think it's a good idea for children to grow up being around BPD constantly.

xx