What does moving on mean to you?

[Mutt]

I'd like to start a discussion on what moving on after a break-up with a pwBPD means to you. I'll start with something that I struggled with, I felt like a broken record because I didn't get a viable reason why she wanted to break-up with me. I was asking members why did she want to break up?

When we can't continue a r/s for whatever reason, Maybe you have different values, maybe trust eroded in the r/s etc. Partners will give each other closure. There could of been trouble for awhile and in a r/s and we can still be taken aback when the r/s ends ‎quickly and suddenly a pwBPD don't give us closure. I think that if you didn't get closure, it's something that you can give to yourself to help with healing.

I'm not looking for a right or wrong answer, I want to hear your thoughts. So, what does moving on mean when our exes were diagnosed or not diagnosed with BPD?

[blissful_camper]

What does moving on mean to you?

Moving on became (and still is) a life-changing experience. Moving on meant that I had reached a place where I was ready to turn around and face myself. (I was ready to redirect my focus inward, at myself, to engage in and process some pretty painful self-discussion and realizations.)

[Circle]

I guess it means acceptance.
Which can be a painful process.
Yet, it's also a beautiful thing.
Because it means, embracing what is happening to us.
Embracing life.
And the more we accept it, the more life carries us with it, like being buoyed up by water.
And, then we begin to see what is alive around us again.

[happendtome]

Accepting that not every question wont be answered immediately.
There is a saying that one fool can ask more questions than seven wise men can answer. And i think that i have been that fool.

I have been asking why this, why that, but the answers i would get would be mostly illusionary. If i want to feel good i would say it was her fault, if i want to feel bad i would say it was my fault. The truth is that it didnt work out, doesnt matter who was faulty.

So moving on means to me that i should stop asking, but it takes time and discipline. Dont get me wrong, i have wanted to reach out my ex, but i have stopped myself. I have said to myself, its over, dont do it and i have listened myself.

I still dont get it that its more than a year and i havent fully detached, but i feel its happening. I was afraid when i heard that she got married, that it would be major setback for me, but actually it has been different. It gave me even some sort of validation that it wasnt about me. She truly lives her Cinderella story. But i prefer to live in real world.

[Turkish]

I got plenty of viable reasons,  from her point-of-view.  The confession that "it felt just like my father!" Was when I knew it was really over.  I was Daddy, she was Daughter, oh vey... .

Moving on is when we get into a new relationship. No,  wait.  We've had many members who do,  yet pine with something like unrequited love for their exes.  :)rama ensues.

A very senior member once said, "you can't fix your problems with one person with a completely different person.  It's impossible." That applies,  I think,  to anyone,  BPD or not.

When we were still just friends,  I brought my ex into my work.  I gave her a tour much like I did any technical customer.  At one point,  I remember her smiling at me so wide,  gazing into my eyes,  I almost felt lost. No one had ever looked at me like that. I felt valued and the start of love.  It's an easy thing in which to fall.  This had,  however,  more to do with me than with her.   Off-hand,  I'd say that up to 80% of Detaching members would be helped by posting to Coping and Healing.

If you can't accept that you,  yourself,  deserve value apart from someone valuing (idealizing) you, then how can you move on? You're still dependent upon someone else providing for you that which is solely your job to provide for yourself.  

No one is coming to rescue us, certainly not our pwBPD. That's our job.  

[Pretty Woman]

Moving on, for me, means this person no longer occupies my thoughts.

While I am "self-aware" I know I have not fully moved on because I still think about her regularly and still hope she does to my replacement what she did to me. I think you've moved on when these things really don't matter anymore.

[Emotions]

I have yet to move on fully, I still am wanting her new relationship to take a turn for the worse, and her to call me up saying she sees the proverbial light... .but I am moving on at a snails pace... .I haven't contacted her in almost two weeks, and I don't plan to... .I'm even thinking about my future sometimes without fear or depression... .so I think that moving on for now, is the idea that I can achieve happiness someday with or more likely without my ex in the picture... .

[Sunfl0wer]

The person becomes more and more irrelevant to me.

I am not tied into if they are fairing well, or fairing poorly.  I am not tied into what would or could have been.  My self worth is not tied into them, such as "if he only saw me now that I have done so much work on myself, etc."

I do not orient myself, my value, my success to them in anyway.
Ex: telling myself I am better off without him cause he is now struggling financially or such.  Or feeling depressed cause he has assets I coulda made better use of ect.

Moving on to me means finding a way to live my life, and it is my life, no one elses.  Radical acceptance on where I am at in life without excuses or justifications of how I was poorly parented or wronged by an ex, or medically ill for years or etc.  My life has nothing to do with anyone elses, is not tied to anyone elses in the sense that I feel no need to compare where I am at with anyone else, where they are or aren't.  My life is also not more fulfilling if I am comparing it to an internal idea that I constructed either. 

I can enjoy my life simply because it is My life, and it is here for me to enjoy it.

(Not always having this feeling, but it is what I hope to focus towards stronger and stronger.)

[Aesir]

Starting to rebuild my life from scratch while at the same time coping with loss and trauma.

[Kelli Cornett]

I think moving on from a relationship with a pwBPD needs a new definition.   These relationships fall outside the norm and outside logic so why wouldn't moving on also?

The expectation we "move on" and the judgment i have placed on myself for not having done so are excruciating and they don't seem to help me or from what I read help many others.

I suggest treat this like a death.  We can accept that no one gets over or moves on from a death, what they do is acknowledge it, integrate it into their being and allow themselves to feel the pangs of sadness and longing which usually last a lifetime.

The person I met, the one I fell in love with (my pwBPD) no longer exists... .In an emotional sense she died or was killed by the disorder or the disordered part.

I miss her, I miss the connection and I miss and may always long and miss this.

[Lucky Jim]

Feeling (mostly) indifference towards my BPDxW;

Finding my lost self;

Discovering kind and thoughtful people out there;

Striving for authenticity;

Sharing my life with my SO;

Helping others to cope w/BPD.

[Harley Quinn]

Achieving indifference

Facing my demons and exorcising them by getting the right help and committing to see through the process

Forgiving myself and him for both of our mistakes

Accepting myself as I am, with all my flaws and loving myself enough that I can truly love someone else in a healthy way

Living my truth

Following my passions in life

Having gratitude for all that I learned and all that I have right now in the moment

Loving him without wanting to be with him or change him

Understanding what makes him who he is, just as I understand what makes me who I am and having compassion for both of us

Letting go of the dream

Being open to new experiences and facing my fears

Having empathy for others who have not yet moved on, recognising they have their own journey and providing balanced support

Using what I know about dysfunctional relationships and my past role in them to serve me in the future with any new relationships that I engage in

Working to improve myself so that I can better communicate with and empower people who are emotionally sensitive

Observing my limits, setting and maintaining healthy boundaries at all times

Freedom from fear, obligation and guilt

Moving out of the drama triangle permanently

Great post Mutt.  Love and light x

[panhead67]

Hi Mutt,

Right now moving on is staying in the moment. I am learning to feel and grieve. I am learning what my rights are. Learning to care about myself, being with myself, and jus accepting what is. Trying to be kind and gentle with the raw parts.basically learning to sit with feelings that come up.
I am nurturing/developing a positive loving self talk, learning about healthy boundaries, a positive step to put into use on a daily basis. self care can be sweet! I had a moment today, where I had a passing thought about my loved one. I felt melancholy, tears fell hot for less than a minute. the memory was something silly between the two of us, something I probably will only share with him.can be grateful that I experienced such a passionate love... for me, it was real. I do not have to try and replace it, because I can't. I can value that in myself. I can validate myself, I don't need that from him. And I can breathe into that. it's a small place, and that's okay.   

[DazedD40]

Accepting that not every question wont be answered immediately.
There is a saying that one fool can ask more questions than seven wise men can answer. And i think that i have been that fool.

I have been asking why this, why that, but the answers i would get would be mostly illusionary. If i want to feel good i would say it was her fault, if i want to feel bad i would say it was my fault. The truth is that it didnt work out, doesnt matter who was faulty.

So moving on means to me that i should stop asking, but it takes time and discipline. Dont get me wrong, i have wanted to reach out my ex, but i have stopped myself. I have said to myself, its over, dont do it and i have listened myself.

I still dont get it that its more than a year and i havent fully detached, but i feel its happening. I was afraid when i heard that she got married, that it would be major setback for me, but actually it has been different. It gave me even some sort of validation that it wasnt about me. She truly lives her Cinderella story. But i prefer to live in real world.

Wow! The power in what you say about listening to yourself!

My internal voice is screaming at me, screaming to walk away from the madness, the confusion, the depression I feel, the constant state of anxiety as to whether we can salvage our relationship. That internal voice is becoming louder and louder and at what point do I fully listen to the message that my own self is giving me?

I'd like to think that finally growing a pair and listening to myself will slowly ease all the negatives I'm feeling and that one day in the future I return to some sort of resemblance of who I am returns.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Mutt,

Moving on for me happened when I just stopped believing in "us" anymore. It was a liberation from hanging on to a fantasy that was keeping me stuck in dysfunctional patterns. Once I realized how my coping was hurting me, the moving on was kind of the only thing I could do.

First I had to grieve, though. And I did. And it was excruciating in the beginning. Then, with time, I felt that lifting of the weight of sorrow. I began to make plans, work toward new goals, change my life in small, and then big, ways. It's been an incredible learning experience.

Thanks for posting this topic!

heartandwhole

[happendtome]

It sounds easier than it is, but i had to listen myself. I got also some help from my replacement ex-s and from my ex colleagues. That helped me a lot, because they were on my side, but it was still hard.

The key is in NC/LC. Without that you can easily lose all your control and you are back to square one. Only difference is that they dont respect you, they just enjoy how you orbit them.

I like to think that when you dont hear from them then it means that they respect you. Wishful thinking? Maybe, but they are afraid of strong people.

[allienoah]

Moving on means finally accepting that I can't change the situation I am in now, and I have to have more value of myself and my feelings. I need to deal with the ugly truths that everyone close to me has pointed out and learn to tolerate the feelings of sadness and, yes, desperation, that arise when I think about the good times. It means that I face my own tendencies of codependence, my need to fill my own void, and learn to self soothe in a fashion that moves me forward. I MUST accept that I can't fix him. I can not fix him. I can only work on myself. It is not my job to make him see logic. I have to have more trust in myself that I am a good person, and I do care about other peoples feelings, and am not being selfish by wanting to live my life. I need to let go of the "validation" I feel during love bombing.
I could go on and on, but unfortunately I am not there yet. And that frustrates me that I can't seem to have the courage it takes to just MOVE ON

[Outoftheshadows]

The first stage of my moving on started with the realisation that the person whom I fell in love with was a facade, a carefully crafted mirror image of myself. Secondly I realised that no matter what I did or didn't do would of had little to no impact on the demise of my relationship. Finally, I visualized what I want from a relationship and from my own life and acknowledged that there was no chance that my ex could have provided these things for me. Indifference is the final stage of accepting that things are over. For me, this is the final stage of having truely moved on. To the poster who is waiting for his ex's relationship to fail and for her to reengae, you must detatch. Nothing good will come of your waiting.

[No1important]

Well moving on for me is realizing that this relationship had no chance to survive. To find a balance between blaming myself and blaming her. Also moving on for me is to work on my own insecurities, codependency and other unhealthy patterns.

[balletomane]

I don't think I have completely moved on, but I've come a long way, and there seem to be several distinct stages.

The first stage was getting back in touch with other friends and finding interests outside of the relationship, because I had got so sucked into trying to meet my ex's needs and my own fear of his jealousy and rages that I had become isolated.

Then it was accepting that the only behaviour I could control was my own. My ex had played out this pattern with every woman he'd ever dated. I used to rack my brains thinking of things I could have done differently to save the relationship, but at this point I realised that there were no magic words I could have said to prevent him from melting down and being cruel. That was on him. What I did now was on me.

The next stage was starting to find some meaning in what had happened - valuable lessons that I could draw from the experience, for example. In the early stages of my recovery I bitterly regretted that I'd ever met my ex. Now I'm able to accept that I have been able to learn and grow from this relationship, even though it was painful.

Then it was no longer being preoccupied with him at every waking moment. I still think of him every day, but no longer with the same intensity, and I'm not constantly aware of what happened.

Now it's overcoming the residual fears that his erratic and vicious behaviour left me with. I find it harder to trust people now, for example, but I still do it - I just have to make a conscious effort to trust whereas before it came more easily. Sometimes this process feels unending, but then I look back on how far I've come and remember that all the previous stages felt as if they were taking forever as well. I'll get there.

[earlyL]

 
 Time just doesn't seem as slow. There was a long period where I really couldn't face   getting through each hour.

 Being able to have a conversation with friends not about her or the relationship.

 Meeting new people at work and not feeling like I need to explain the last seven months.

 Coming onto this website to support other people and follow their journeys.

 The waves of anger and grief still come but they are shorter and I understand them.

 I actually feel like there is a future without her and that it will be ok, and even could be more than ok. I truly never thought I would feel that.

Great post Mutt.

[Reforming]

Good topic and lots of good responses.

For me moving on has been a series of stages.

From working through anger and processing the grief

To gradual acceptance that I did the best I could and that I didn't have the power to control the outcome of my relationship. Nobody does.

It has meant building a new relationship with myself. Learning to show myself compassion without denying responsibility for my own choices or blaming others.

The last bit has been particularly hard... .

I accept that this will be a lifelong struggle but I feel a lot more grown up - wiser.

Reforming

[Mint julep]

I am 60 years old and never been any good at moving on. However I have been able to accomplish it several times throughout my life with men I loved completely. Thinking about this today is helpful to me as I am trying to move on from a BPD relationship. After 8 months of not seeing him I invited him to my home and had sex and a beautiful day afterward hiking and swimming last weekend. I turned him down this weekend. He tried to manipulate and control me in 3 obvious ways to me. I was glad I was able to recognize it and not be influenced to do what he ask but the look on his face kind of scared me. Afraid he would start the anger talk.

Moving on for me is (and will be) erasing his phone number from my contacts and blocking the number. Deleting pictures with him in them. Burning love letters. Being happy the relationship is over.

[roberto516]

It means one day I will accept that this is finally over and that whatever her version of love was for me has died. It will also mean that my love for her has died as well. Not that I can't hope for the best in her life but that us as a couple with a future will be something I have accepted will never happen.

Moving on will mean that one day I can trust again and that my self-esteem is back. I have such a weird, energetic personality that people are drawn to and love. I haven't been that person since December. It's now almost July. Moving on will mean never finding any rationalization to contact her and if one comes up I will be completely indifferent to it. When I have moved on I know that person will be back. I just don't see it happening anytime soon.

Moving on will mean that, deep down, I have accepted that I have lost someone dear to me through a role that I played. Moving on will mean that I can look at how I messed up in this relationship and not beat myself up for not seeing it clearer before I let it get to far and too out of hand that the relationship was dead.

Finally, moving on will mean I am at the same mental mindset I was after my first BPD trait relationship and this one. Where I didn't need a relationship or necessarily want one, where I let anger, sadness, or anxieties roll right off of me as I was so quick to remind myself "What's the big deal? Life is beautiful". It will mean I can sit outside again and just marvel at watching a tree and its branches shake in the wind or watching or listening to birds as they fly or sing. It will mean I can look up at the cloud again and marvel at the beauty of the natural world and realize that this is the only life we have so I better embrace it.

I pray it comes back one day. There will be a lot more tears, a lot more depression and a lot more anxiety, triggers, etc. Thanks for letting me share.

[kc sunshine]

For me, moving on would be being able to fall in love with someone else -- not just date someone else, but to fall in love with them. It would mean both wanting and imagining a future with that person instead of with my ex.

[steelwork]

I think I will feel I've moved on when it isn't just fear of more pain that keeps me from reaching out to him.

[40days_in_desert]

I'm not sure if this was mentioned because I didn't read every post but I know that I've moved on due to the lack of memories triggered. It wasn't always sadness triggered from memories but we were together for almost 18 years so there was a lot to be nostalgic over. The last 4 months, I haven't done that... .very few trips down memory lane and the few that I experienced produced feelings of indifference.

[kim2017]

This is a good question and one that I have been asking myself for the past 6 months since by exBPD just disappeared after 2 years.

Moving on to me means no longer thinking about him every second of the day - where days go by and he doesn't pop up in my mind.

Moving on means I don't feel numb - like so hurt that no one will ever be able to get into my heart again.

Moving on means not missing him, wondering what happened, how did this explode, what did I do wrong, where is he, what is he doing, is he happy.

Moving on means not holding my breath hoping he will reappear one day, that I will go from black to white in his eyes, not reading the statistics of "recycling" and wondering if I am going to be part of the minority that never gets recycled.

Its been 6 months and I definitely have not moved on - under any definition. Not even close.

[babyoctopus]

Moving On, for REAL, is a place where I don't ruminate/obsess over what went wrong, or why, or how.
Its a place where I can get on with my life 100% without him.

Its where I don't wonder if he loves (or loved) me or not, day and night.
Its where I don't wait for him to contact me.
Its where I can say No and mean it.

Took me 23 years to get there.

Be kind to yourself, and go at your own pace. When you're ready.

I truly believe there is something deep inside of us "nonBPD" partners that compels us to obsess over them.

Namaste

[Lucky Jim]

I truly believe there is something deep inside of us "nonBPD" partners that compels us to obsess over them.

Good point, babyoctopus.  Maybe because we Nons tend to be thoughtful to the point of codependency, we have a great capacity for rumination, due to our empathic side.  LJ