I need to know i am not insane, insensitive or a host of other bad things...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

And if I am, then please advise.
As I have posted several times, my adult children hate, yes they use that word, hate my bfwBPD. Granted many of his rages have happened just between us and my kids have seen nothing, but unfortunately in the past they have seen enough.
I have been working on setting firmer boundaries with my bf and it has been slowly working. We seem to be in a much better place. Then this happens:
My son graduated college and is back at home with me. I have not coddled his distaste for my bf, and have welcomed my bf into my home freely, even when my son is home. I no longer play the game of keeping everyone apart. I even had my bf stay over 2 x and it seemed to really make him feel more secure and that I was doing my part in the r/s.
Well my son had a bad day the other day-for various reasons, all valid. He then got nasty with me for having my bf stay over and accused me of being insensitive. Ok. I didn't take the bait. I did however tell him I would come home the next day from work and make dinner for him and we could talk. My bf was to be with his kids and we could both do our own thing.
Well my bf's kids made other plans and left him high and dry. I followed through with my plans with my son. I felt it would send the wrong message to cancel on him to be with bf. Besides, bf had just stayed over the previous night.
That brings us to me being painted black as an insensitive woman, who should've asked bf to come over after dinner to stay. I just wanted to wash up and go to bed. As was bf at his place. but he turned it into me not wanting to spend time with him, not putting him first, blah, blah blah. Again, drama is being created and he is trying to tell me I have no devotion, no feelings, and am a terrible gf. Call me crazy but I also need to be present for my son. it was no fault of mine that bf's kids skipped out. I feel he is being unreasonable and expects me to drop everything when he is suddenly free. This would only reinforce to my kids that they don't count when it comes to bf. To add to this, my son told my D-24 that bf has been staying over and she won't speak to me. She lives on her own so it isn't a daily battle, but I am tired of this nonsense. I really just have my head spinning over everyone telling me that I am insensitive, inconsiderate, and my bf accusing me of not being on the same page as him, because he ALWAYS wants to be with me.

[allienoah]

And if I am, then please advise.
As I have posted several times, my adult children hate, yes they use that word, hate my bfwBPD. Granted many of his rages have happened just between us and my kids have seen nothing, but unfortunately in the past they have seen enough.
I have been working on setting firmer boundaries with my bf and it has been slowly working. We seem to be in a much better place. Then this happens:
My son graduated college and is back at home with me. I have not coddled his distaste for my bf, and have welcomed my bf into my home freely, even when my son is home. I no longer play the game of keeping everyone apart. I even had my bf stay over 2 x and it seemed to really make him feel more secure and that I was doing my part in the r/s.
Well my son had a bad day the other day-for various reasons, all valid. He then got nasty with me for having my bf stay over and accused me of being insensitive. Ok. I didn't take the bait. I did however tell him I would come home the next day from work and make dinner for him and we could talk. My bf was to be with his kids and we could both do our own thing.
Well my bf's kids made other plans and left him high and dry. I followed through with my plans with my son. I felt it would send the wrong message to cancel on him to be with bf. Besides, bf had just stayed over the previous night.
That brings us to me being painted black as an insensitive woman, who should've asked bf to come over after dinner to stay. I just wanted to wash up and go to bed. As was bf at his place. but he turned it into me not wanting to spend time with him, not putting him first, blah, blah blah. Again, drama is being created and he is trying to tell me I have no devotion, no feelings, and am a terrible gf. Call me crazy but I also need to be present for my son. it was no fault of mine that bf's kids skipped out. I feel he is being unreasonable and expects me to drop everything when he is suddenly free. This would only reinforce to my kids that they don't count when it comes to bf. To add to this, my son told my D-24 that bf has been staying over and she won't speak to me. She lives on her own so it isn't a daily battle, but I am tired of this nonsense. I really just have my head spinning over everyone telling me that I am insensitive, inconsiderate, and my bf accusing me of not being on the same page as him, because he ALWAYS wants to be with me.

[patientandclear]

You were not insensitive or inconsiderate. Sounds like you handled that as close to perfectly as one could.

To be clear though, my sense in the context of past posts is that your daughter isn't telling you you are being inconsiderate to her, or that you owe it to her not to have your bf sleep over. It's that she just can't stand to see you continue the r/ship and is choosing to step back from close connection to you while you maintain the r/ship. That is her boundary. She is not asking you to "pick her." She is just making her own choices.

If things with your bf continue to improve (which this story doesn't fully reinforce by the way), maybe your daughter's views will shift. Also, maybe she will get tired of not having contact with her mom; you guys have a great relationship and I doubt she'll stay in this place indefinitely if indeed the r/ship with the bf is less problematic.

Everyone gets to run their own course. Your daughter is a lot more emotionally mature than your bf about the line btwn her stuff and your stuff.

[allienoah]

You are absolutely right about my daughter. I actually admire how she has established and held to her boundaries. If the r/s is less problematic, I am sure she will eventually come along. I also think my son will. But as of now, all they had seen was my being stressed and feeling that I always had to choose. It just felt like a kick in the gut when she asked to not see me. And now it feels like a kick in the gut from my bf that I am making all these strides and this one little incident has him rocked. So you are correct in saying that although I thought things were improving, in fact they were just laying dormant until some perceived slight was committed by me to set things off again. I honestly am tired of fighting. And I absolutely can NOT make bf grow up or behave differently.
thank you for your kind words about how I handled it. I honestly do believe I did the right thing.

[patientandclear]

You absolutely did!  Just keep going in your current direction. After passage of some time, you (and your observing children) will have empirical evidence as to whether your changed approach improves dynamics because your bf makes adjustments that are good for the r/ship; or whether it is still basically the same relationship that caused your daughter to draw the "I can't be around this" line, and caused you to question whether you wanted it for yourself.

You will all find out. Meanwhile, there is zero wrong with how you handled that.

[Grey Kitty]

Like P&C said... .you have people putting you in a difficult situation, and you are handling it pretty much as well as you can.

That doesn't mean it is easy. 

my bf accusing me of not being on the same page as him, because he ALWAYS wants to be with me.

This is an interesting statement. I could take it in two ways.

1: Part of a dysregulated rant... .remove yourself from the rant, and don't worry about it any more than the other crap he throws at you... .

Things said while dysregulated are on my list of things I will never bring up!

2: Said in a serious discussion that isn't blaming you for everything, and is trying to improve things with you... .in that case, you might just sadly agree--he's correct. You don't always want to be with him. You do want him in your life, but not all the time.

And ask him to please be as considerate and generous as he can of your desire to spent time away with him, both with other people and alone... .because it is real, and it is part of who you are.

And be willing to listen to what he wants, how he feels, and also to try and work ways to compromise, or ways you can accommodate each other better. Perhaps simply better ways to ask about being alone, or make plans or share schedules, or whatever.

... .but this WAS part of a dysregulated rant. So just enforce boundaries of not listening to much more of the rant... .and think about how you might discuss it with him if he decided the issue was important enough to raise without attacking you.

[formflier]

 

You handled that very well. 

I didn't see the detail about how you handled "not putting your boyfriend first"... .but I would have hoped that you agreed with him. 

That's life... .you don't always get to be "first"... .and you can express confidence that he will handle it.

One of the interesting lessons P has been teaching me is to look for places where I can say ... ."I agree... "

For people that want division and conflict, it can be off putting and shakes up the dynamic.

FF