Lost of support and family

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

What is wrong with me?  This will never end.  I lost my court case with my soon to be BPDXW. She got everything. I got alternate weekend and two dinner nights with my boys, who are autistic.  I can't do this. I need my kids to function. I never wanted the divorce but it was her constant lashing out at me that led me to file. I did not want to be a doormat but now I want to be for the kids.  I regret it since I filed in OCT 2016. Ever since the filing she has manage to win every thing in this divorce.  Im a loser in this and so are the kids.  Please help me understand why I feel the way I am.  I've lose ay support. I have a therapist but I think she not helping me.  nothing seem to work now. I cant sleep and I still see the boys.  Still give them a bath every night and they sleep next to me.   Help!

 

[tmarshal2016]

What is wrong with me?  This will never end.  I lost my court case with my soon to be BPDXW. She got everything. I got alternate weekend and two dinner nights with my boys, who are autistic.  I can't do this. I need my kids to function. I never wanted the divorce but it was her constant lashing out at me that led me to file. I did not want to be a doormat but now I want to be for the kids.  I regret it since I filed in OCT 2016. Ever since the filing she has manage to win every thing in this divorce.  Im a loser in this and so are the kids.  Please help me understand why I feel the way I am.  I've lose ay support. I have a therapist but I think she not helping me.  nothing seem to work now. I cant sleep and I still see the boys.  Still give them a bath every night and they sleep next to me.   Help!

 

[takingandsending]

Hey tmarshal.

I am really sorry for what you are going through. I would encourage you to seek out another T that you feel is more supportive as you go through this. You need some time to work on your feelings and thoughts, as you are understandably really upset, grieving and riled right now.

1. No one is wrong for seeking to end verbal, physical or emotional abuse in a relationship. It takes a lot of strength to actually do what you did. Don't beat yourself up for choosing to end the marriage.
2. You have to remember that you made your choice not only for yourself but also for your children. Being a "doormat" for your xw would not help them in the long run. They have much life ahead of them, and they need to know that their parent does not accept abusive behavior. My T told me that children cannot/do not get the emotional nurture and safety they need when one parent, no matter how tolerant they are, remains in abusive situation. The children learn that is normal. It is not.
3. Do your best to correct yourself when you find you are thinking in absolutes: this will "never" end, she got "everything", I "lost", she "won". Examining any of these statements, you will see they are judgments, not facts. I totally understand the feeling behind them, but your children need you to keep your head and work with what is, not what you fear will be.

You are coping with a large amount of grief and loss right now. Be gentle with yourself. Blaming yourself and self-incrimination won't help. Do you have any friends or family that you can talk to, maybe arrange a weekly lunch or visit with. Do see a doctor to help with the sleep and anxiety you are feeling. Lack of sleep only makes everything in your life less settled.

As you work through your grief, you will find that you can be there for your sons ... .consistently, reliably and with love. That is the attachment that they need. Over time, as they respond to what you do and what you are for them, this has the chance to become better. As many others with a lot more experience than me have suggested, this is a marathon. You may not be where you want right now, but don't give up. Keep working with patience, self-love and resolve that you are going to show up for your kids whenever and wherever you can. You know that this is something that your xw cannot do, but you can. They need that. They need you. Hang in there.

[Herodias]

So sorry, it is frustrating when they seem to get away with everything. I would quietly start documenting everything that goes on. Keep a journal. You will need it eventually. She may end up pushing them off on you unable to handle the responsibilities. Try and remain calm and do not call her out on her disorder. I have learned it makes us look like the crazy ones. Remain calm, co-parent and journal. Things can change on a dime as you know. Don't be so hard on yourself. You need a therapist who deals with mental abuse- weed them out until you find one. Take care... .

[Panda39]

I know this feels awful right now, but this is only "right now" I agree with takingandsending and Herodias, this is a marathon and don't give up.

My SO went from EOW dad, with 2 daughters whose mother was alienating their dad, those same 2 daughters were spying on their dad and reporting back to their mom, and those same 2 daughters along with their mother made false allegations of abuse against my SO.

It seemed like my SO was losing his daughters and their mother was winning.

My SO just kept being those girls' father no matter what they did, and no matter what their mother did.  Sure he was angry, hurt, depressed, felt like he had no control, that everything was a battle and it was... .it was miserable.  He didn't quit.  He wanted 50/50 custody and fought for it.

He documented his ex's neglect, her evictions, her lies, her contempt of court and picked up the pieces after she repeatedly failed her daughters.

He was awarded 60/40 custody, Medical decision making, Vision decision making, and Education decision making.  Once the divorce was over the lowering of conflict went a long way to help re-build trust between him and his daughters.  His ex also helped she was evicted 3 times and kept making false promises to the girls.  Meanwhile dad was being consistent normal old dad.

In 2015 the girls mother betrayed them both and they voted with their feet and moved in full time with their dad.  D20 is NC with her mom, D16 is LC with her mom.

Kids know who their "parent" is... .who they can count on, who will meet their needs, who will set boundaries, who is consistent... .

Once my SO and his uBPDxw separated it became really easy to see who was dysfunctional and both girls went where they were cared for.

Keep documenting what is going on, she will do what she has always done and those dysfunctional patterns will begin to show.

Check out david's story or foreverdad's story or livenlearned's story... .all very difficult situations that ended well, why? Because they didn't give up the fight for their children.

Take care of yourself, get a new Therapist that is helpful.  Remember the airplane oxygen mask analogy... .you can't help anyone else unless you help yourself first.


Take Care 
Panda39

[tmarshal2016]

It's so hard now. I really just want to cry.  My heart longs for my children. I know I need to get better for me.  Thank you to all of you and for your wonderful and informative comments.

Question:

How do you really co parent with a person with BPD.  Currently, I'm looked by her as a liar and she does not trust me because of what was said at the court date on June 8th; however I did not say anything. My attorney spoke and my so called actions.  She constantly will make comment how she "won" and she "was willing to give me every weekends" but I refused because I was fighting for the boys. She forgot to say that she was willing to give me every weekend because she was planning to move away. I would have to drive an hour and half to see them. She want to move away to another City and County. Now she said it was a "JOKE" because she got what she wanted but now it constant gloating and putting fear that she will make me pay for "filing for divorce" even though she threaten me if I did not she would and would constantly lash out at me every day until I did and yet the situation got worst and worst. Even today was just another "demand fest" by her.  she's still so controlling and yet she constantly makes me feel like I'm the crazy one... .she told me I was NPD.  and make constant comments about how I never took her out when we were married or how we slept in separate room just like my parents did. Honestly, these comments made me look back at the marriage and I began the constant blaming phase upon myself.  I blame myself and believe everything she says... .very Toxic and unhealthy but yet I do this and don't know how to stop it.  I know Im very unhealthy right now and I realize being near her and not leaving has not helping me  to heal... .I realize Im prolong the end result. (My chose) Honestly,  I just want to be with my boys and not see my beautiful boys every other weekends and two dinner night for a 2 hours only.  I hate the Family Law System in CA!  Im not a criminal (in fact I work in the criminal Justice system for over 20 years) and yet I got  that raw deal and those days from that commissioner.  I know I'm living in my own misery now and I don't know how to get out of it.  It like I'm so use to it and I "might enjoy it"?  I know "very sick!" Why?  is it because I still want to be in that Toxic dance with her.  Is it because I still think if endure it enough she will change her mind and I can see my boys everyday and everything will be back to normal. ? Again, I know I'm a total mess  and I never want anyone to deal with this... .There is so much pain... .Pain that I never though I would ever feel but yet it's here. The pain can be so great. I don't know how to handle it.  Even seeing a therapist yesterday, I feel the sessions have not made a difference or has changed for me.   Thank you again for read my post.  God Bless you.