Deja Vu

[NXR]

Long story short(ish):

My husband and I moved to different cities. I'm going back to school, he's looking for work where his parents live (after being unemployed for our entire 4 year marriage- but suddenly his dad's connections are in play ... .). We sold our house and split the proceeds, but still trying to make it work.

I've been lonely, in a new city and isolated from friends slowly over the last 4 years. I like talking to him daily, etc, and having that connection. I did want this, In a way, to make it easier to get out and healthy, but it's not easy. Lately he's mentioned ending things entirely, of course putting all the blame on me. That got me sad and questioning myself. I'm visiting him now - it's day three of a 12 day trip - and I'm already on the couch. He went off on parents - being very insulting and making absurd demands, which I'm used to - and the more that I refused to take the bait the more outrageous and offensive the accusations got, up to "they both even look they're on the autism spectrum." Not that there's anything wrong with that, per se, but my mom has two masters and my dad a PhD, so it's pretty objectively absurd. My calmly pointing this out is what landed me on the couch.

Anyway, things have been up and down the last couple days. Largely good, sometimes a feeling that there's tension under the surface, when he drinks all the negativity comes out. I just was hoping that we could at least have a couple nice weeks after both being through a stressful move and reorientation. I even started doubting my own memories. But here we go again: the power plays, feeling manipulated, attempts to isolate, guilt tripping, etc.

I guess I just want to vent, but also get thoughts from anyone in a similar circumstance or who's tried to do a long distance thing with a (u)BPD or "taken a break" ... .if it ever works out. I thought being "separated" would clear things up but it hasn't: when we're apart I miss what we had, when we're together I remember why I wanted to be apart ... .

[Gumiho]

Hello NXR

I have been in a ldr with my uBPD(ex?) for almost a year now. She wanted to go to the new city, she left me behind because I'm studying. First it worked out "well" (on relationship level), I'd jet over to her place almost every weekend (loosing a lot of money) to help her and her mom building up the business. The frequency and intensity of her episodes got worse and worse over time, and to me it became much more strenous to cope with, since I couldn't run for her "rescue" anymore at all times.

  I never wanted to be apart though, she - as she put it - said that if she gets some distance (she said I was clingy , though I always gave her all the space she needed) our relationship would be even better - well look where we are now.

  I think my situation is quite different though, I still am convinced it could work, if I managed to change myself and what I always promised to, but never managed to keep (arguing back). I only just learnt about BPD 4 weeks ago, and discovered what I did wrong, what I need to do and how I can better deal with her episodes. And I am/was(?) but engaged, not married.

  However I have countless experiences of ending up on the couch, almost always I visited her new town. When you said you felt like you wanted to be apart, you're referring to his episodes right? (don't we nons all?)

[Hopeful_Me]

NXR,

What makes you think Asperger's persons cannot get educated? In fact, some are so higher functioning they have an IQ superior to most people.

Also, what made you think that a distance separation would change his illness and keep him from raging?  Distance is not a treatment for a serious mental illness.

I ask these rhetorically as I know the answers. The question is, do you?

[formflier]

  Distance is not a treatment for a serious mental illness.

However... .properly managed, distance and the reunion can help smooth and improve the relationship.  :)istance will tend to decrease the intimacy and let each person "find themselves again".  BPDish disorders can be related to the "amount" or "degree" of closeness in a relationship.  Reduce the closeness and generally you will reduce the conflict/drama.

After a "non" sorts themselves out some with the distance, they can reconnect from a stronger place with better boundaries.

Thoughts?

NXR,

I've taken "breaks" before.  Some were productive and some were not.  If you are interested in details or making sure your current break is "productive", keep this thread going.  

Wishing you the best!

FF