Giving up.

[heycoman]

Twice in counseling my therapist has said to give it up.
All I have discovered is that all of this has made me a real emotional mess.
I am wondering why it is I feel I need to write this out... .maybe it is interesting... .maybe someone else is somewhere along this struggle... .maybe I feel sorry for my ill spouse... .maybe it is the feeling of doing my children wrong.
Whatever the case, I want to focus this on the ill spouse I have.
In counseling it has been discovered she has borderline personality disorder.  She is often angry.  She has no compassion and she is forgetful of stressful events.
I have lived a life where she has manipulated me by twisting facts into gilt inducing moments against me (You should have stood up for me, you should not have settled for such a little amount of money, is this what it is you think a Father should be?).  She used the manipulative guilt to corner me into where she wants me to be... usually in the house so she had someone to talk to. 
The odd thing is those conversations were fantastic.  Deep down she is a beautiful person... .  She believes it is completely normal to manipulate, isolate and control me.
This did not start out innocently, we had big fights over this. I ALWAYS lost.  My attempt to normalize her anger or to get help was never accepted.
That was 27 years ago.  All this time I thought, with having children, being around other couples, other families, going to church, being involved in school that she would see her terrible emotional treatment is not normal.  That we needed help, that people would accept our problem and be supportive.  This would lead to happily living, being involved in other family groups and living a normal life.
None of this worked. Instead families talked behind my back about my abusive spouse, the schools did what they could but did interfere, my church accepted she was not willing to look toward God right now.
My counselor and I have used several motivational techniques.  Increasing her respect of me, informing her that she has no compassion, that intimacy would be successful if she understood those she cared most for, leaving the house, encouraging counseling, talking about counseling, questioning her future self (if you see yourself in the future do you think you should have openly criticized your future daughter in law in such a way), threatened divorce and continually bringing up the difficulties I have had with her.
BPD is so awful that it buries her memories, destroys her logic and blocks her access to compassion.
Last week,  I had a mental event of releasing a wall of emotional negatives I had built to protect myself from her negativity.  I told the counselor and my spouse.
This time I thought... I GOT HER. She cannot avoid this, blame this or escape this. How could she? It was my feelings, my experiences, my memories and it was pointed right at all the agony she has created.
SO I told her.
Immediately, she blamed my MOTHER!
I have enough.
Now she is mad at my family and wants me to go to them and tell them how wrong they have been to me.
Getting back to the counselor she said I would need to be able to argue with her for weeks maybe years and then maybe she would consider counseling.
THen again maybe not.
It isnt me and the counselor knows it. 
I am done.
THe problem is I will slowly forgive her for this and want her back. I will want those simple and beautiful conversations that occurred while she isolated and controlled me.
We are both sick.
I am done because she will not try.
If you read this and are simply starting on this journey, do not give up, do not find yourself hopeless, you have many tools at your disposal and they most likely will eventually work.  It is my spouses choice to do nothing.
If you find yourself on this type of journey first off do everything you can to earn your spouse's respect.  If they humiliate you for anything ... stick it in their face by doing it. I mean if they don't like the charity you are in ... .write them a check, if they dont want anyone at the house... have a card party, if they want you to sit and chat and it is under sick circumstances... tell them they got you their by treating you wrong and that you are leaving... then go for a walk, clean the kitchen, go to the garage, put on a headset and laugh at youtube stuff... my point is you are pointing out that something about them is wrong. 
If you buy a book on abusive behaviors tell them you are reading this and share your experience.  If in counseling you are diagonosed with depression - demand they get to counseling.  If you move out tell them you will not come back until they improve.
For most BPD's I believe this will work. I did make progress.  the abuse stopped.  The manipulation by gilt stopped.
I needed change. I needed her to understand, be compassionate and to become intimate.  I needed to be able to let people in the house and to be kind to my children and their friends.  I did not let people in the house as she treated us all terrible, had I done this she would have been seen as sick. I did recognize in those days she was using gilt - saying I was a terrible host, played stupid card games, bought the wrong beer, didnt have the entryway clean enough for people to feel comfortable... Foolishly I believed her.  Had the choice to do this again I would have done all I could to expose her inner rot.
Instead I protected her and my children and myself. It was the wrong choice. The more others see this the more the BPD questions themselves.  And that is where the cure may start, questioning themselves as to why others treat them in this way.
There is no indication she will ever change.
Dont give up hope for yourself, many do change and become healthy. 
Above all, take care of yourself.  Living with diminishing emotional health is not acceptable.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi heycoman,



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily, I'm glad that you found the group. I'm sorry that you're going through a difficult time, I completely understand how frustrating counselling can be when a partner has BPD traits, you and the world are blamed for all of her problems.

It is my spouses choice to do nothing.

I can relate with a lot of your post, I recall having the same mindset that change in a r/s comes from the other partner. Changes comes from you, it doesn't one from anyone else, there are only two things that you can control your actions and how you react, when you change everything changes.

I used to have long drawn out fights with my exuBPDw trying to convince her that my point of view was right or show her the illogical thinking in her thinking. One of the most practical day to day tools I learned here is JADE, don't Justify, Argue, Defend or explain. Say things once maybe twice and let your words stand, it makes you a smaller target then if you JADE, you can keep arguing m, it created a lot of opportunities for someone with a High Conflict Personality to hair and fight with you.

I like to think about a car crash and witnesses at the crash, if they are interviewed all of them will give you their interpretation of the invents with how they filter and understand their reality. Your spouses reality is as real to her as yours is to you, really give that some thought.

There's a retired staff member here that has a signature that I really liked that went like this Reality is debatable. Emotions and feelings are real In the context of pwBPD their feelings are facts to them, where it's the opposite for us. She's just wired differently. If my exuBPDw is convinced that the sky is red and obviously I know different than that, I won't JADE because it leaves the door open for conflict, if she believes that then fine so be it.  Here's the link to JADE and the lessons are on the right side of the board. 

Don't "JADE" (justify, argue, defend, explain)

[Harley Quinn]

Hi heycoman and Welcome to the site!

I'm glad you found us.  You'll find great information in the fantastic articles, workshops and lessons here I'm sure, as well as finding that you are not alone.  Others here will have had similar situations and can relate to your story.  I found it so helpful when I discovered this place to read others' experiences.  Many of the members here have someone in their life who is not diagnosed, yet shows traits of the disorder.  Understanding what we are facing is very powerful in helping us to manage our relationships, our own well being and move forwards in positive ways.  

Your story, whilst very painful, has resounding hope shining through it in your words.  I am sorry to hear about your struggles in the relationship.  It's clear you've invested a lot into trying to make things work and encouraging your wife to get help.  What you describe must have been so difficult for the whole family.  How many children do you have and what ages are they?  How would you describe the situation currently with yourself and your wife?

Keep reading and posting and let us know how best we can support you.  We are here for you whatever direction you take.  Things can and do improve for people who have pwBPD in their lives.

Love and light x

[Turkish]

It sounds like you've committed to radical acceptance that she won't change,  so you did,  and that despite her,  you've chosen to stick it out as an intact family,  yes?

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear heycoman-
I am very sorry for the years of pain you have endured.  I have read your post twice and probably need to read what you've written several more times to more fully grasp your meaning.  I welcome you, honor you and ask you to keep writing.

I feel NO surrender in your words.  I feel a deeply compassionate person who has decided to swim, not sink.  You have amazing insight and have clearly fought your way through the darkness.  Please stay in the light.

You have some amazing lessons to share here.  You are a beacon of hope.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Zemmma]

I like to think about a car crash and witnesses at the crash, if they are interviewed all of them will give you their interpretation of the events with how they filter and understand their reality. Your spouses reality is as real to her as yours is to you, really give that some thought.

Had I known! JADE... man did I ever mess up the r/s with this alone. I reacted in the exact opposite way than I should have to this man. No wonder he is gone.

And the funny thing is, he said we always fought, but I always thought we were just having lively debates! They were actually fun and amusing to me. I don't think I realized they were causing him pain. I think I just liked the attention of having someone engage with me so intensely. Then he would hang up the phone and suffer all night. I would go to bed all fine and fulfilled and this would drive him crazy... .

During one of his breakups, I was reflecting and these Feist lyrics from, "I Feel it All" came to mind:

I know more than I knew before
I know more than I knew before
I didn't rest I didn't stop
Did we fight or did we talk?

The truth is, we experienced the r/s completely differently- I guess because we experience the world so differently. He experienced everything through a lens of pain.