POLL: Are you still in contact with your exBPD?

[HopinAndPrayin]

After several posts along this theme came up, thought it would be interesting to see where we all are in our lives right now.

[Emotions]

I'm in the kinda category,  but it also depends on what she says if she ever reaches out... .I don't believe that this has hindered my progression up until this point, as tomorrow will be 1 month since she sent me a don't call or text message... .if I still think about her a good amount in 5 months I will reconsider my hinder comment

[pgri8684]

I'm also in the kinda category but her attempt to communicate is almost zero. In October 2016 she asked me some information and in February 2017 she needed some help to write a letter. It was factual and rather cold... .
So I don't need to block her.

I think their attitude (and our tranquility) is related to the success of our replacement. The less they need us the less they contact us.
Any idea?

[Emotions]

I can't quite tell with my ex... .she dated someone for about a year before me I think, and she never reached out to him again... .I can't tell if mine will ever reach out again... .she is in a new relationship now, and I'm thinking she will find someone else after this guy instead of me, so I don't see why she would try to contact me again... .I do still have some stuff at her place (like my scooter) which I would love to have, but it's not worth it ATM to figure that one out... .she may reach out if something happens to the cat, or something like that, but if she hasn't remembered her love for me by now, I don't see why she would remember it in the future... .I have used our time apart to figure stuff out, and I believe I have learned a lot about my love for her and myself too, and just love in general... .I have regained calmness and patience, lord knows what she is doing... .I'm actually glad she found someone, because if she just went awol I would be worried sick about her... .I'm glad that is not the case, and she has someone to be with, although I was envious at first, and still envious from time to time... .

[IsThisThingOn]

I would say I definitely fall in the *kinda* category -- to be honest, I think the NC has a lot more to do with the fact that she hasnt bothered to reach out. That's made it fairly easy to stay NC.

I'm in the kinda category,  but it also depends on what she says if she ever reaches out... .

I think I'm in the same boat as Emotions with this one... .I dont know how I would react if she does get in touch with me.  I say if but I think it's practically guaranteed since we do have some loose ends she hasnt even bothered to mention at all. Example: our joint bank account that was previously hers and we added me onto... .I know she wont just want to close this account. But she has made zero mention of getting me off of it. Neither of us can do that without the other.

Personally, I think she's keeping that as a hand to play in her back pocket. A "way in" when she decides she needs one.  Or maybe I'm just over thinking it 

I can't quite tell with my ex... .she dated someone for about a year before me I think, and she never reached out to him again... .I can't tell if mine will ever reach out again... .

I know with my uBPDx, she did reach out to her ex before me but it was never nice. I dont know whether or not to believe all of the nasty things I was told about her ex but if they are true, I can understand why. Somethin tells me most of it was exaggerated... .but I mean, who knows right?

Mine previously reached out over some "important mail I more than likely want" after I'd been 5 days NC... .stating "it would be in my best interest to unblock her" -- When I told her I wasnt going to and email would do just fine... .I received a "You are a ridiculous person." email back. -- Since then, NC. We are on day 15 as of today.

I really struggle with whether or not I want her to reach out. On one end I REALLY REALLY do... .but I'd want her to be willing to seek help and make it work the "right" way. On the other... .I dont know if that is even remotely how she'd reach out. I highly doubt it as I sit typing this... .so it produces more anxiety than it does anything else.

I've had a fairly "jumping out of my own skin" kind of day today so "overthinking" is definitely the word of the day 

[Aesir]

I'm strictly NC.  Even though I've had the urge to reach out I have not. All I have to do is think and remember how I was treated and that stops those thoughts. Plus she has not made a attempt to contact me (can't take responsibility) so that front is cut off.

[HopefulDad]

I answered Yes only because we have children together and have functional communication regarding them.  But maybe that doesn't count as true contact as we really don't talk about our lives outside the kids.  Maybe LC would have been a better answer.

[Skip]

  We always caution members not to overinvest in avoidance tactics as a healing strategy (no contact etc.) as a means of healing.

The goal is ":)etaching" and detaching much more about a state or mind than about physical avoidance.

You can block every means of access, hide in your house, and not detach at all. You know this because you read posts from members like this every day.

Detaching is a state of mind. It's about acceptances, understanding, self awareness, letting go.

Here is more: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=284223

[steelwork]

We always caution members not to overinvest in avoidance tactics as a healing strategy (no contact etc.) as a means of healing.

Not being in contact is definitely not sufficient for getting past this, obviously, but I do think maybe it's necessary for me. Necessary but not sufficient. But then, really, I think the main driver for me in not reaching out is fear. I am terrified that the worst days will return if I do that. At the same time, I wonder if enough time has passed (years, in my case) for a real, honest parting conversation--and I wonder whether that would be worth the risk. But I am too afraid to attempt it.

[Skip]

Not being in contact is definitely not sufficient for getting past this, obviously, but I do think maybe it's necessary for me.

That is a legitimate way to look at it.  

But lets dig a little deeper. What does it mean to go no contact with someone that stopped talking to us? We are not going to stalk? A lot of out "no contacter" are doing just that.

Going to the chart, let's look at Detaching options. They are different. You have "try to resuscitate" or to "not resuscitate" - the options on the side or the diagram when your partner shut you down.

Is that more meaningful? Let's test that.

Do you know for certain, which mode are you in?

If he contacts and says lets go to dinner - are you up for trying to resuscitate or at least test the water?  If you are, it really shows how meaningless thinking an accomplishment it is to not contact someone who is not talking to you.  All it means is that you were were out of contact because they decided and you are back in contact because they decided.

Are you "not willing resuscitate"... .if so, encountering natural contact with him is not going to matter... .say running into him at a restaurant or him calling when his dog dies. These things are not threats if you have taken yourself to "not willing resuscitate". Receiving contact won't break you down.

Not sure where you are? Well, this a more significant test and if you don't know, it tells you where you have work to do. Where as looking at not talking to someone who cut of conversation with you as an accomplishment and resting on that is a false accomplishment - you need to go much further - and this help keep focus on that.

PS: By "you", I am speaking to all of us.

It's a much deeper question and it really gets to the heart of matter.

[steelwork]

Going to the chart, let's look at Detaching options. They are different. You have "try to resuscitate" or to "not resuscitate" - the options when your partner shut you down.

Is that more meaningful?

Do you know for certain, which mode are you in?

Right--I was careful to say "not being in contact" rather than "NC". He cut things off decisively. I could of course do something about that, and I haven't, which means that according to the chart I'm not resuscitating. I was responding in terms of my decision not to reach out--which really amounts to a series of decisions, since the option is always there to try contacting him. I am not exactly waiting or hoping to hear from him anymore... .it seems pretty remote as a possibility. Well, I could see a scenario where he might reach out to me in the course of his AA steps. He's in and out of AA, and maybe there's some chance he would want to make amends, but that would be a pretty transactional and impersonal kind of interaction.

If he contacts and says lets go to dinner - are you up for trying to resuscitate or at least test the water?  If you are, it really shows how meaningless thinking not contacting was an accomplishment of sorts.  Al it means is that you were were out of contact because they decided and you are back in contact because they decided.

I think it's more complicated than that. I've given a lot of thought about what I would want in that situation, and it changes a fair amount. And there are different types of renewing contact. It could mean talking with the intention of renewing some kind of relationship (friends or other)--"testing the waters", I guess--or it could mean a one-time meeting. My feelings about what I would want, in the event that it were an option, change quite a bit. I think I desperately want him to show me compassion. I want to believe that he can be compassionate in his treatment of me, at last. As though, somehow, this will make me a more worthwhile person?

I was talking to my T about this today. I said, rather childishly, that I feel I earned his compassion over the course of our r/s, and she pointed out that it's meaningless to "earn" someone's compassion if he is not capable of giving it. She seems pretty sure he's not. But then I wonder if that's because I've given her a biased view of him, and then I start questioning myself, and she always has to bring me back to the actual things that happened as opposed to my wishful thinking.

Anyhow, I don't think of not being in contact as an accomplishment, exactly. As I said, I think a lot of my not reaching out is a matter of self-protection. And I worry about that--that I'm trapped in the state I'm in because I'm afraid to move, because the trauma is so present for me still.

I just find the whole estrangement situation complicated and ambivalent and fraught, and yes, I feel very powerless in this.
 

[FSTL]

I am fortunate not to have children with my xgfwBPD, but we still work together. I left open lines of communication for a long time and, almost without fail, I would hear from her at least once a week, usually on Monday or Tuesday. Any interaction would lead to a mini-recycle... .how far it got depended upon me and I decided going for grey rock was better. She is blocked on almost all forms of SM, calls go to VM and and she can only contact me by email. Now she has started dangling herself in front of me physically by eg visiting people in adjoining offices... .

In my desperate attempts to avoid physical contact I am now arranging for her colleagues in offices near me to be moved to her floor - so no excuses for her being near me.

She has a bf and all of this is just an attempt by her to keep some form of connection as there is no chance of either of us getting back together and all her recycle attempts all end the same (with her angrily rejecting me). Every time she contacts me, it brings back slight pangs that I try and accept, but doesn't always work.

The point of all this is that they will always find a way if that is how they are inclined and I think NC is the only way to go - if we weren't working together I would certainly go full NC.

I have an xW with BPD and narcissistic traits and with her I am completely over her and only do kid-stuff by email. Acceptance and letting go came a lot easier with her thanks to NC.