Hi worried parents
I'd like to join Incadove in welcoming you. You've come to the right place.
Diagnosis is such a big deal. It takes time for everybody to process and each of us deals with it differently. My DS26 reeled, felt everything was hopeless and that his life was ruined forever. It took time for him to experience the new reality.
It's scary and very painful to watch our kids struggle with their lives. We all want the same thing in life: to be understood and to feel loved. I can see the distance between you must be worrisome for you and it's perfectly natural to try and get her home. For whatever reason, she's reluctant and she resists. I'd be distressed and beside myself with worry too. Actually, my DS got dx in the US and we live in the UK so I know what it feels like being so far away.
We would dearly love her to come home as would her friends. She expresses a desire to do so but feels she would be a failure if she did.
We do not want to pressurise her and would like to know the best way to communicate with her and support her.
She can be very angry when we push too hard. "What is all the fuss about" is her usual response after a crisis when everyone has reacted to her sometimes public declarations of despair.
Insights from other parents with adult children who have BPD and from people with BPD would be very helpful to us.
Our situations are very different because my DS was non-functioning at the time. He had little choice but to come home. Your daughter is managing to hold her job, in therapy (?) and sharing with your her pain from a failed relationship. This is hard for you all. I get the impression that she believes staying is better for her emotionally than it is coming home because emotionally she can't cope with FEELING a failure. My experience is that the more I push, the more my DS digs his heels in. The fact is that when he's in a highly emotional state he just can't listen; he can't hear. There's no point in reasoning with him. It's a limitation I have to work around. This is achieved through more effective communication and validation skills.
I encourage you to read about BPD - take a look at the top right hand side of the page. The more I learned the less I reacted. He needs me to not react. When we know better we do better. There's a way forwards for you as a family where you can show to your daughter that there's an open door home, it's a safe door where she'll feel loved, understood and that it's ok to make mistakes. That's how we all learn. Better communication and validation skills are needed.
My advice would be to stop asking questions, not delve about her situation. Be light and bright in the phone; cheerful and happy. Show her that home is a fuzzy, warm, supportive place. If she shares about her problems and complains about her situation then validate and validate some more. "I'm just so sorry ... ., I'd feel exactly the same... ." but try not to come up with a suggestion or solution for her. The safer she feels in her conversations with you (you not reacting) the more she'll start to feel connected.
Get reading, keep on posting and start learning the skills you need. We're here for you.
What's your thoughts?
Hugs
LP
Ps. My DS26 returned home 19 months ago non-functioning. He's now working, managing his finances, in therapy and learning how to get the skills he needs to deal with his challenges. He got re-dx with GAD, depression and BPD traits. Relationships are KEY to finding a way forwards.
