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Author Topic: Leaving a back door open for her (like she is doing with me)  (Read 1400 times)
Pedro
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated, devastated, physically & mentally broken, but living in the same house until it is sold. Such profound loss & sadness of losing my soulmate, lover, best friend.
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« on: July 08, 2017, 12:53:15 AM »

Okay I have to move on with rebuilding my life, and leaving a back door open for her (like she is doing with me).

I am accepting that I cannot wait or rely on what she decides to do. Just to clarify it, her boyfriend is 2-2.5 hours travel away from her parents home, they are not living on each other's doorstep whatever difference that makes it is irrelevant to me, relevant to her only.  She is going to do whatever it is she is going to do & I am not waiting on that or pinning my hopes on us.

I am going to seek legal advice on where we stand with my house our home that she has invested into. I am going to seek financial advice from my mortgage lender after that to consider what options are open to me.

I am trying hard not to think about her. I've not made any contact with her apart from wishing her a safe a journey shortly after dropping her off at the airport via cell phone text message.  I have decided not to contact her unless she  contacts me during her vacation.  Not being rude it's better for me. I have been blocked on Facebook since the day we separated, but she blew up on me when I suggested I block her parents & brother on my Facebook account. So I have left the acct open with them for the last 3 months. I know from previous vacations we've had in TX that she uses her Mum's Facebook acct whenever we are over there, so she may try & keep tabs on me whilst she's there now, who knows or cares?

So here I am moving on now trying to not get depressed or down about this.  I have to make the changes on the things I can change, & have to accept the things I cannot.
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Pedro
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Relationship status: Separated, devastated, physically & mentally broken, but living in the same house until it is sold. Such profound loss & sadness of losing my soulmate, lover, best friend.
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« Reply #1 on: July 09, 2017, 06:33:49 AM »

Well the birthday cards from my ex's family arrived yesterday.

 I was doing reasonably well until I opened them.  Her Mum & Dad's card writing their love & how they miss me, then a joint card from her Brother & his 3 nieces all written individually, with the nieces writing to me as Uncle *****. It's so bloody heart breaking to me. Sorry everybody I'm just a sensitive old soul, it's pathetic.

Trying to move on & let go of my unofficial parents in law, brother in law, & nieces
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Skip
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« Reply #2 on: July 12, 2017, 10:26:32 AM »

Really awkward situation, Pedro.

She is off meeting a guy in another country for the first time.
She is planning to return and live with you as a friend for an unspecified time.
You don't know if she is planning to to her home City, his city, stay with you, or move to another city in your country.

I don't know that it is helpful to have no structure on this. People with BPD don't treat others well when there is no structure or accountability... .a lot of people don't.
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Pedro
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Relationship status: Separated, devastated, physically & mentally broken, but living in the same house until it is sold. Such profound loss & sadness of losing my soulmate, lover, best friend.
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« Reply #3 on: July 12, 2017, 12:19:21 PM »

I don't know if I can print off any posts I have written here (my posts only for confidentiality obviously), but when my ex & I see each other for the final time I'll give her my transcripts & say "here's for the person I loved unconditionally, supported you through your bad times, wanted to spend the rest of their life with you, look after you when you're old & frail, support you through any therapy & counselling. Good luck with your future partner(s) that will do that with you".
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Pedro
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« Reply #4 on: July 12, 2017, 02:37:12 PM »

Thank you Skip for the tips on structure and accountability I did not realise this about persons with BPD.
My ex is highly organised in a stressful job in financial management services with people working under her supervision.
In terms of renovating the house she was structured organised & disciplined. In terms of house maintenance, domestic chores, cooking cleaning not good, that's where I stepped in.
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Pedro
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Relationship status: Separated, devastated, physically & mentally broken, but living in the same house until it is sold. Such profound loss & sadness of losing my soulmate, lover, best friend.
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« Reply #5 on: July 12, 2017, 02:49:40 PM »

Really awkward situation, Pedro.

She is off meeting a guy in another country for the first time.
She is planning to return and live with you as a friend for an unspecified time.
You don't know if she is planning to to her home City, his city, stay with you, or move to another city in your country.

I don't know that it is helpful to have no structure on this. People with BPD don't treat others well when there is no structure or accountability... .a lot of people don't.

I've done within reason everything that members have advised/suggested.  I cannot give her structure. She doesn't like being given or suggested advice from me, she mostly responds with "don't treat me like a child". I have never done that & I have always said "it is advice I am only trying to help or suggest something to help you".  She gets defensive immediately.  I know the Texas state slogan is ":)on't Mess With Texas", she certainly has that stubbornness/tenacity hard as bullets mentality about her, 'her way or the Interstate highway'. There was/is no compromise with her. She only came to me for advice in the end, I stopped proposing suggestions as it was too stressful & for easier coping for me I let it lie for an easier life with her.

I told her the week she was going on vacation that things will be different when she returns from TX. She says "I won't be any different", I replied "I will be". She knows I'm not playing Mr Nice Guy anymore.
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Skip
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« Reply #6 on: July 12, 2017, 03:20:33 PM »

I told her the week she was going on vacation that things will be different when she returns from TX. She says "I won't be any different", I replied "I will be". She knows I'm not playing Mr Nice Guy anymore.

I think there are two things to look at and they are very different.

1. Do not be a doormat friend/landlord when she returns where she comes and goes as she please, has no definitive plans, and your life is on hold pending what she decides and when. It's important that you have a solid plan when she returns (thats the structure I'm mentioning). It should be respectful, friendly, and firm. It's your house, and your life. She is seeing someone else. Take control of your life.

2.  Do not be a pouty, guilting, yesterday's news ex-boyfriend when she returns. She will for sure be comparing you to him. Be strong. Be independent. Again, don't be at her whim and fancy emotionally. Be upbeat and ambivalent about the relationship - don't quiz her on what happened, it will look weak and her answer won't be reliable anyway.  This is a tall order.

when my ex & I see each other for the final time I'll give her my transcripts & say "here's for the person I loved unconditionally, supported you through your bad times, wanted to spend the rest of their life with you, look after you when you're old & frail, support you through any therapy & counselling. Good luck with your future partner(s) that will do that with you".

As deep and heartfelt and loving as this is to you, she will likely fell it as weakness, shaming, clingy. You will feel more wounded afterward and she will not feel closer. She has to make these conclusions herself and she will be sorting this out (privately).

Think of it this way - she just went to play with a new confident independent puppy. When she comes back, do you want to be an old dog with cataracts, and begging for food?

She's gone - this is time for you to make a transition to this next stage.
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Pedro
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Relationship status: Separated, devastated, physically & mentally broken, but living in the same house until it is sold. Such profound loss & sadness of losing my soulmate, lover, best friend.
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« Reply #7 on: July 12, 2017, 03:23:31 PM »

Thank you so much. Forever in your debt whatever happens.
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Pedro
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Relationship status: Separated, devastated, physically & mentally broken, but living in the same house until it is sold. Such profound loss & sadness of losing my soulmate, lover, best friend.
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« Reply #8 on: July 18, 2017, 01:29:33 PM »

Hi all just an update.

Ex gfBPD has been home on vacation with new Mr Wonderful & to visit parents now for 2 weeks out of a 3.5 week vacation.  Not had any contact from her nor have I contacted her.  She's not had any mail delivered here for 2 weeks so I wonder if she's having redirected now?

Got the ball rolling legally, so I know where both of us stand in relation to our beautifully restored house/home. Not being pessimistic took on board what Skip said. Am looking at potential properties to buy once house sale finalised hopefully a few months from now?.  Am still blocked on FB but still active on her parents FB account & vice versa. So whilst she's been staying with her parents she can view my FB page (double standards in my opinion). Not being rude or nasty, but ex will be informed that I closing contact on her parent's FB page when she returns here, as I do not want to see Mr Wonderful on there. It is too painful  & I need to do it as part of my own healing process.

I'm not being negative or depressive here just trying to get on with my life without her.  Want things settled and done with as soon as is reasonable & practical as possible.

Given how clever, smart & stealth like I know her to be I wouldn't be surprised if she reads the boards. A few months ago she wanted to know who I was emailing most evenings (bpdfamily) but I wouldn't tell her?

Take care & good luck those of you that are in relationships & trying to overcome the massive hurdle of BPD.

Pedro. xx
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Pedro
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« Reply #9 on: July 21, 2017, 11:15:42 AM »

Well heard from her today for first time since she's on vacation with parents & Mr Wonderful in 2.5 weeks. Not that I expected to hear from her. Asks how I'm doing? Weather hot, we'll speak soon. No kisses or love you anymore.
"We'll speak soon" I know will mean "this is when I'm moving out", "this is when I'm moving home with Wonderful & or with parents", "when are we selling the house"? " What are your plans"?
The email said enough for me to move on Skip & Heartandwhole, not that I was expecting anything, but maybe a little bit of hope in me or does that smell of desperation?
Was hoping her parents could have talked her round but she's old enough & ugly enough to make her own choices in life?
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Pedro
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« Reply #10 on: July 22, 2017, 03:00:19 AM »

It has started to hit me now that things won't be happening between us as I had hoped.

The last 3 months have been horrendous in terms of how I feel, cohabiting together, yet trying to move on, still trying to reconcile, looking after me for once, trying to avoid her every day on the phone to Wonderful, yet hiding all this sadness & raw emotion in front of her, being all happy & positive.

Played the long game plan that Skip guided me on with heartandwhole supporting me also.  She'll be home next weekend, & I'll have to go through these emotions & heartaches again moving on selling the house. Just because I've experienced it once is not going to make it any less easier but 'I know what's coming'.

Trying to rationalize that if she loved me or really wanted a lifetime together as we always talked about then she would have considered individual therapy or couples therapy.  Trying not to be bitter & twisted however a part of me wants the cycle of her current relationship to breakdown because of her BPD, solely because she won't address or engage in therapy. I think I would feel vindicated yet still feel sad for her that she won't address her issues and(not because I would want to reconcile either).

Thanks everyone, good luck to those of you that reconcile & can have happier healthier more fulfilling relationships.

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heartandwhole
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« Reply #11 on: July 23, 2017, 06:30:42 AM »

Pedro,

My hat goes off to you on how you've been handling this situation. You took action; you went to get legal advice, you are looking at potential properties for yourself, you haven't reached out, you are getting support; in short, you are moving forward. These are huge steps you are taking. Keep going—small steps are good, with pauses as you take care of yourself and your heart. I know how hard this is. 

It's perfectly normal to feel hopeful that things will crash and she'll come running back to you. In your shoes, I'd have those feelings, too. Allow them to move through you and then take another step toward yourself, toward self-compassion. This is a big change and you need support from within and from outside (that's where we come in  ).

I think Skip's advice not to put your life on hold when she comes back is very important. She needs to make decisions about her life and whether she is going to build a relationship with the other man. And your needs and wants matter just as much as anyone's.

How is your mom doing? Have you been spending time with friends and family while your ex is gone?

heartandwhole

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When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul.
Pedro
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated, devastated, physically & mentally broken, but living in the same house until it is sold. Such profound loss & sadness of losing my soulmate, lover, best friend.
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« Reply #12 on: July 23, 2017, 07:56:26 AM »

Hi heartandwhole.

Thank you for your comments. I haven't doing do to much. Had the house to myself for 3 weeks, it's strange, quiet, lonely. I get to sleep in our old king size bed whilst she's home. Had my 3 children/cats for company, they're missing their Momma.

It's gonna be a huge bind when she ups sticks & moves on/home. Lost my ex had 1 cat put to sleep, then the other 3 will be gone with her in time.

Have my Mum's grand daughter from another country staying with her at the moment, so have been going out for milk shakes & cupcakes, the cinema & walking my Mum's dog regularly

I cannot believe how much her BPD has taken out of me, it's only now we're apart it's starting to hit me. Without referring to other my previous posts, you & Skip mostly know what I've/we've been through in the relationship.  Also realising what I have done for my Mum & my brother supporting them, my mental health has taken such a battering it is unreal. Also feel like I'm walking around in a haze/fog the last few months it is so strange?  Also only finding out how much my family's lesser mental health sucks so much out of me because between them both there is such negativity between them & they live under the same roof. My Mum is antagonistic. negative, argumentative deliberately when the mood takes her, it takes so much out of the rest of us as a family when we are purposely trying to support her in her older years.

The first 2 weekends the ex gf has been away I've wanted to work on the house but physically & mentally I've not had the energy, so this weekend I have been painting decorating or is it remodelling work I've bee doing as they say in the USA? This is the first time I've had the energy or motivation to do it. Not exercised for a few weeks, because work is so busy I am doing the work of 3 people, am stood up all day, so physically shattered when I  get home.

I remember one of your posts to me a few weeks ago asking words to the effect of "what if she reaches out to you when she's home"? Well she hasn't & only emailed me to say she had paid a couple of our utility bills after I had to email her to remind her to, because otherwise I was going NC whilst she was home.

Without exaggerating she has probably spent in excess of $2000 on tattoos in the last 4 months whilst getting behind on her household bills/financial commitments. I know this is related to her BPD traits.

Its been emotionally painful doing DIY on the house this weekend, because this is something we did together, got a lot of fun & bonding over, it's so sad. A part of me still has to pinch myself that's it's over, am struggling still to get ma head around it. Am not blinded by love, just trying to get on.

Thanks for listening heartandwhole.

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HopefulDad
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« Reply #13 on: July 23, 2017, 10:26:56 AM »

Pedro, a lot of what you've written here echoes my thoughts when I came to the realization that my relationship was over a few years back.  I know this may sound trite, but I'm serious when I say that as time passes and you've rebuilt your own sense of self, you will be so much happier.  Sometimes things need to be completely torn down before you can rebuild.  Right now you're looking at the rubble.  It won't stay that way.

And the other realization you will come to eventually:  Asking yourself, "What was I thinking in being with her?"  You'll know the answer in that it was the "old you" that accepted that relationship, but the "new you" would never even think of doing so.
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Pedro
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Relationship status: Separated, devastated, physically & mentally broken, but living in the same house until it is sold. Such profound loss & sadness of losing my soulmate, lover, best friend.
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« Reply #14 on: July 24, 2017, 12:43:21 PM »

Well I got a text message from today. This is related to my last but 1 post I put here.

'Haven't heard from ya any, I sent ya an email the other day... how ya doing'?  Don't know where the ya has come from, she never said or used that word in the 6 years we were together?

Was deliberately going NC with her whilst she's with boyfriend & parents. It's her time with them. I politely sent reminder email last week to remind her to make her monthly utility bill payments as we had warning letters, I get paid a week after her, I couldn't pay it till this week when I get paid my salary. Also didn't want our credit ratings affected.

I replied 'all good here enjoy the heat'? She is a sun worshipper from TX.
She replies 'at least it is raining today... so just muggy... forgot how miserable it is here in the summer! Cats missing me'?

I know the cats miss her they're her babies. I reply rightly or wrongly & she may have interpreted it as been rude or off with her which I wasn't.
'You don't need to ask a rhetorical question *****? (her nickname). 'You know they are'. Which contradicts what I said immediately before that.

I then stupidly say 'give your Ma & Da my love, I miss them'.

She replies 'they send their love back'.

She's bemused or not happy I didn't get into conversation last week when she emailed, but I didn't hear anything for 2.5 weeks prior to last week, so I didn't get any indication or need that I needed to communicate with her whilst she's with boyfriend and or her parents?

She's keeping her poker cards close to her chest. I did not do anything wrong or negative to her, just polite courteous getting on with my life.

I put photos of the cats on her parent's FB account to give her peace of mind of the cats, as I know she will have looked at my page through them even though she's blocked me.

I'm not the sharpest wood chisel in the carpenters tool box here but have I misread or misinterpreted any communication from her, I don't think so?  I was just being a bit more disciplined with me putting an invisible boundary in there, I thought it would help?
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Skip
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« Reply #15 on: July 24, 2017, 01:16:57 PM »

This is hard advice, I know, but the relationship is past the point of trying to read into any single communication or expecting some clarity to be forthcoming in the next email, or when she gets back, or at the end of the month. Despite how she acts with you, she is likely conflicted about what to do and keeping her options open to work through any conflict.

Think about it. Even if she is leaning away from this guy, you will only hear about it when she is certain and that could take some time.  The opposite could be true, also. She's weighing it all out so she can maximize her future.

The "how ya doing" could mean anything.

At this point, I would think its important to make decisions based on the reality of the situation - not wait for her to make her choice or announce a series of dates that fit her needs only. I don't mean anything against her in saying this... .rather I'm saying stop making it about her. It needs to be about you.

You can still be polite to her, but don't be self sacrificing.

Lets say it 2020, and you look back and see that she moved on. You will say, I will I didn't waste time doing ______ or waiting so long to do _________. Take action now so that you won't say that.
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Pedro
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« Reply #16 on: July 25, 2017, 02:04:39 AM »

Thanks Skip, just wanted to some impartial insight to see how others would read see interpret things that's all?

Getting on with things as best as I can but then she throws the dog a bone, started calling me by an affectionate pet name on a couple of text messages last night. Forgive me God this is so bloody frustrating I wanna get off the roller coaster ride. I will be asking her to stop this once she returns, it's not right.
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« Reply #17 on: July 25, 2017, 06:08:13 AM »

Thanks Skip, just wanted to some impartial insight to see how others would read see interpret things that's all?

Getting on with things as best as I can but then she throws the dog a bone, started calling me by an affectionate pet name on a couple of text messages last night. Forgive me God this is so bloody frustrating I wanna get off the roller coaster ride. I will be asking her to stop this once she returns, it's not right.


Hi Pedro,

So sorry you are going through this. I have been on this rollercoaster more than once. My suggestion? Make a clear decision one way or the other. And stick to it. No in between (this goes against my usual no 'black and white thinking argument' but sometimes choices need be made I think). In my experience once you make a clearly resolved decision on how YOU are going to act everything gets easier. For me, having confidence in my own choice not to be in a relationship or keep the door open for her was the first major step to my healing process.

We are here for you, stay healthy my friend!

marti
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Pedro
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« Reply #18 on: July 29, 2017, 01:54:23 AM »

Ex gfBPD back from home vacation with parents and boyfriend tomorrow morning.

I am moving on alone, dreading her coming back to be honest. Have made practical steps financially, legally & financially but it's still going to be hard going. She's asked me to pick her up from the airport which I will do.

Good luck those of you that reconcile & maintain improve & have happier healthier relationships with your partners that have BPD.

Love

Pedro.
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« Reply #19 on: July 29, 2017, 08:59:36 AM »

Hi Pedro,

I can imagine that you are feeling lots of things right now.    I know this is difficult.

We are here for you. Please do let us know how things go when she gets back. I admire you for taking steps forward. Keep going, step by step. We'll walk with you.

heartandwhole
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When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul.
Pedro
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« Reply #20 on: July 29, 2017, 01:18:24 PM »

Xxxxx
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Pedro
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« Reply #21 on: August 10, 2017, 02:17:56 PM »

Have been doing relatively well the last 2.5 weeks since she told me shes relocating back home. Been staying at Mum's house last few nights to give her support whilst brother works away from home every week. Come back to my house today, & she's had a shipper arrive at the house today to collect & load all her furniture & bulky possessions.

It has set me back a bit, another punch in the stomach that's took my strength away i had built up. Very sad house feel deserted and desolate.

She's asked me to take her to a tattoo convention on Sunday ___ing unbelievable.

Shes talking in the bedroom talking to Mr Wonderful in the funky t-shirt & underwear i bought her whispering her sweet nothings. She's also shipped personal items of decorations, mementos, & personal and ornaments that's she's going to put in her apartment with Wonderful. I'll enjoy her lying to him where she got those from ha ha ha. She said she'll never tell him of the affectionate pet name i named her that's she had tattooed on her neck? Great way to go exgf BPD. God and i love you.
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Skip
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« Reply #22 on: August 10, 2017, 02:29:35 PM »

She is moving in with him?
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Pedro
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« Reply #23 on: August 10, 2017, 02:46:43 PM »

I'm assuming so Skip?

She keep her poker cards closer to her chest than Maverick.  She said she's going into an apartment but going to be near to support her parents, who knows she doesn't disclose any information? So unless it's a stop gap either before her moving to Austin or him relocating to DFW. She said says she can't have 3 cats in her apartment hence why we have to re home 1 cat here in the UK. She's taking 2 home with her. She says on one day her 14 niece is moving in with her & then on another day she says her brother won't let her niece move in with her. So i take most things she says now with a pinch of salt since break up.

But as she said last week "my parents and i want you to come over and visit, & my parents will put you up at their home".  Very kind & sincere gesture but i couldn't do that.  Still haven't told my family yet she has a new partner.
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« Reply #24 on: August 10, 2017, 03:28:59 PM »

I'm assuming so Skip?

You're beating yourself up, Pedro. Don't do that to yourself. This all started with her thinking she needs to be near her aging parents. That has always been the primary driver.

Do yo have a date when she will be out?
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« Reply #25 on: August 10, 2017, 03:40:29 PM »

Dealing with mortgage broker currently. Would like house sold in October if possible. If she wants to move home before then it's fine with me.
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« Reply #26 on: August 13, 2017, 09:54:53 AM »

She asked me a few days ago if I would take her to another tattoo convention today, as her car is broken down currently, so really she wanted me to take her, but I did say she could go on her own if she wished She said no because she wanted us to go together.

Whilst we were there she wanted to treat me to my first tattoo witch I said was kind of her, but I will do it next year when I'm on my own, it's personal to us my tattoos I want done, and I don't want her to be privy to that.  She called me by my pet names a couple of times today & hugged me despite me asking her not to do so previously.

No news on the house sale as yet still in the hands of the mortgage finance advisors currently.  I got some bad news via a telephone call today regarding an immediate family member which immediately put me in a bad mood & for me spoilt my day out today. She's asking what's up & talk to me about it. I said no because you're not my partner anymore you don't get that privilege. We could talk to each other about most things when she was well & support each other as reasonable as possible when we were a couple.
She said when I move back to TX you can always ring me to talk you know. I said no you have a boyfriend & it would be inappropriate to do that, plus I am not keeping in touch with you, which I have reminded her of numerous times.

She says she may move back to England 1 day. I said good for you knowing full well she won't. I said don't look me up because 1, I won't be around & 2, I'm moving away wanting to make a new start & life for myself.

You lose those privileges now you're with somebody else **********. Have to keep saying it to her so she gets the message that there will be no contact whatsoever.
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« Reply #27 on: August 14, 2017, 05:11:29 AM »

Hi Pedro,

I can relate to what you are going through, and it's confusing and difficult. I think being honest and letting your ex know that "buddy-buddy" contact is not going to work for you, at least in the short term, is the best route to take.

After time and distance, things may change, and perhaps a long-distance friendship will be in the cards. For now, though, I recommend looking after yourself as best you can, as you have been doing.

You've already come a long way, Pedro. We're here for you. 

heartandwhole
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« Reply #28 on: August 14, 2017, 01:38:46 PM »

Thanks heartandwhole. I hope you are keeping well?

Even saying simple things like "I will not stay in contact with you" & "please do not contact me when you return to DFW TX" are major milestones for me that I thought I could never say or comprehend 4 months ago. It is better for me as part of my healing and moving on process. I still have physical pain in my chest & stomach from the break up & I do resent her for making me feel like this still.

I cannot do a FRIENDSHIP relationship whatever she thinks we can be or do when she returns home. I cannot cope with that. It's not fair on her & her current relationship, I wouldn't like it being done to me.

She may just get lucky with Mr Wonderful & do therapy or he is a stronger more resilient character than me but good luck to them they'll need it?
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« Reply #29 on: August 14, 2017, 01:58:53 PM »

I am well, Pedro, thanks for asking  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I understand your feelings and made similar decisions after my relationship broke down. Things got much better for me, but it took time and effort. I had to learn a lot about myself and my relationship choices.

The stomach upset and pain in the chest sound like you are under a lot of stress. I'm sorry this is happening. What helps alleviate the symptoms, Pedro? What helps me is yoga and meditation. Have you continued running?

heartandwhole
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