Please help. Can't cope anymore :(

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Annie you can rant anytime you want.

Hard days and nights are normal. You are putting your sanity and well-being first and that is huge.
He is sad, he is missing you. That is something that can be put in the context "well of course he is sad and missing me, He brought this on"! Do not own that you are responsible for the way he feels. As we've learned on this site, love does not prevail, it is a smokescreen. Please don't let that talk about a baby get to you. Clearly he is trying to "get" to you.
I have been there, the wonderful feeling of warmth when you've made up. We all know that it is short-lived though.
No decent human being wants another to suffer, but you were suffering enough to drive you to this action, so try to remember that.

[allienoah]

Annie you can rant anytime you want.

Hard days and nights are normal. You are putting your sanity and well-being first and that is huge.
He is sad, he is missing you. That is something that can be put in the context "well of course he is sad and missing me, He brought this on"! Do not own that you are responsible for the way he feels. As we've learned on this site, love does not prevail, it is a smokescreen. Please don't let that talk about a baby get to you. Clearly he is trying to "get" to you.
I have been there, the wonderful feeling of warmth when you've made up. We all know that it is short-lived though.
No decent human being wants another to suffer, but you were suffering enough to drive you to this action, so try to remember that.

[AnnieGirlUKUK]

Bad times  

So... .now the fog is lifted... .he's distraught  

Called me... .calm... .spoke for an hour.

At the end of the call when he said we obviously both missed each other he asked what we were going to do... .I said I can't go back there this has destroyed him. So hard to hear him cry. He put the phone down.

I am so angry tonight. That he has put me through HELL and now he just wants to pick this back up again. It's making me furious. And I was doing so well and feeling much stronger and that call has shaken me to the core.

I'm so tired... .urgh.

Sorry again for ranting like this. Just SO angry because you know... .if I said, 'fine! We are back on!' It would only be a matter of time before I'm right back to square one.

I know this is a mental illness... .but... .tonight I just want to call him an evil [swear word] and tell him he's pathetic and weak. Aaargh.

Lost so much weight. Was dieting anyway... .but this has really hit me so hard and weight has just fallen off... .now feel like ruining it all and going to buy a massive tin of chocolate (like the ones you get at Xmas) and eating the lot!

(Sorry)
Annie xx

[Herodias]

   A therapist would ask you, How does all of this make you feel? What would you tell best friend to do in this situation? What boundaries are you willing to set up and not have crossed? You need to decide how you want to live. He will not change unless he has to and goes to therapy. Mine chose not to and to find someone else to put up with the behavior. It's depressing, sad and exhausting to live that way. It's no fun being alone, but I do not have the madness. You have to decide how you want to live your life and there is no guarantee he will stay with you the longer you put up with it all either. Words to think about... .I got back together with mine 4 times... .sacrificed 10 years of my life hoping he would change. I have learned some huge lessons that apparently I needed to learn, that I never did learn in the past.
   Chocolate is not the answer... .especially when you will want to feel good and strong to deal with all of this. I gained so much weight from eating through my depression. Now I am having to deal with it all again. Try and not mess that up for yourself. See a therapist if you need to. You won't like what they tell you, just like your partner doesn't like what they say (if he has done it). Do not agree to go with him. My ex painted me as the bad one with every therapist we went to. He showed me how he could manipulate them. Then he lied and told me he was going on his own, when he wasn't. We can't tell you what to do, only what we have experienced. You must decide what is best for you- take care of yourself.

[Seenowayout]

He's not evil. You're not evil. He's sick. He needs help. You are not the help he needs. You are his codependent. Break the cycle. Only you can.

Here's something that happened to me  recently --  I got caught in a text conversation with my ex BPD's new boy friend. He told me I let her walk all over me. He said he won't let that happen to him, he's going to keep her grounded. No highs for her. He will manage her

And I'm left going huh?  I tried so hard to make her happy. I tried so hard to be there for her all the time. But if I had a one day work obligation -- it was the end of the world. She kept finding fault with me and I kept reeling her back in. And now she has completely erased me?  She wanted me so bad that now she can live without me?  Completely erased me and any memory of out two years together. And shes now with a guy who will keep her grounded by seeing her on his terms?  Who will keep her grounded And there will be no more highs? Isn't love a high?  Isn't it giving?  Was any of our love really real?  Weren't the highs the point of the whole thing?

It's all madness. I deserve better. You deserve better. You're not going to change anything. Be strong. Trust. You'll find what you deserve

You don't deserve madness. There is better out there.  It's sad but it's not your responsibility. Cling to that strength you felt. That's truth. The rest is madness

[forlorn]

Hi, AnnieGirl!  On a lighter note - I think I found the weight you lost.  I will happily return it if you like.

Hang in there.  I am reading the story of your journey through this maze and the responses of our compatriots.  You are so strong - even if you don't recognize that all the time. It's inspiring.

[toomanydogs]

Hi Annie!
  Everything you're going through resonates. Where I am right now emotionally is I'm bouncing. That said, I do feel qualified to offer some tips on resisting being guilted.
  My take--based on nearly 45 years of therapy--on guilt is that it is generally anger that's not being expressed. Also, as I've gone through life, I've discovered that guilt is a really twisted emotion, one that can be challenging to unravel. Some things I've asked myself regarding feeling guilty about anything or anyone:

Did I actually do anything that was mean or cruel? I have, at times, returned cruelty with cruelty, felt justified when I did so, and then apologized when I realized that I personally don't want to do that.

I have also asked myself if I am indeed feeling angry. A lot of the times, I am feeling angry because H (or anyone) has clearly violated a boundary I'd set. The more important the boundary is to me, the angrier I feel when it's violated. My H, after turning down 10 years of invitations to go places with me, asked plaintively why I hadn't invited him on my birthday vacation. I said, "well, honey, I've asked you for the past 10 years to go places. I've now given up. But anytime you want to go, let me know beforehand, and we'll make it happen."

I am in the process now of pulling out of a caregiver role. I do this with a lot of people. Last night, I was in the process of writing an email to H: "I want to work on our marriage. I'm willing to see a counselor. I've been willing, blah dee blah dee blah." Realized I was trying to rescue him, the marriage, and painting myself as a victim. Changed it to. "I'm still wanting to commit to our marriage. What do you want to do?" Got a response that he's not ready to discuss it. Okay. Not the response my wounded self wanted but one my strong self can work with.

Guilt is tricky. I was raised in a family of, ":)o what you want. Don't think of me sitting here all alone. Blah dee blah dee blah." It's hard to pull out of it.

I also think people who try to guilt others into doing things are approaching things passive aggressively, and I can honestly say, and with a great deal of pride, that although I continue to extricate myself from trying to save the world, providing care to everyone even when they didn't ask, I am no longer triggered at all by guilt.

But like I said, that's 45 years on and off of therapy. Some Ts were great, got me moving, we could work together, and some were absolutely useless. The best ones (and I've had two over the years, including my current coach) are the ones who get me to laugh and not take myself too seriously, the ones who can get me to tap into that part of myself that says, "Wow, I'm right back where I was five years ago. Time, I guess, to relearn how to respond."

I told my 2 kids when one was considering going into therapy, and I'd offer you the same advice if you've never been in therapy: You need to establish a good relationship with the T. You need to be completely open with all your flaws. Because of those requirements, if there's something--anything--about that T that makes you uncomfortable, move on, find another.

I had one T--left her after one session--who as I was explaining my history, mentioned I'd been on Elavil. She asked why that antidepressant, explained it was the only one medicaid would cover, and that it did enable me to sleep. Then I mentioned that it made me unbelievably thirsty and the only thing that seemed to quench that thirst was Diet Coke.

To all this, she responded that it was curious that I would be in such anxiety that I needed to be prescribed an antidepressant and then feed the anxiety with Diet Coke.

She may have meant well. Maybe. But this was a first session, and a side effect of Elavil is dry mouth (and hypotension, which I got, and a weird one, a craving for chocolate and sweets, which I also got). With a dry mouth side effect, most of the time in my experience, some level of carbonation helps more than just water. If I'm taking meds now that have that side effect, I drink sparkling water. She came across as judgmental. If I hadn't had enough therapy by the time I ran into her, the judgment I perceived would have sunk in, and I would have had one more thing that I thought I needed to work on.

So... .there are lots and lots of terrific therapists, and some can be an absolutely perfect fit. Like I said, I've had two. And if you get those that are perfect fit, you'd be amazed at the progress you can make. (I know I said I've been in and out of Therapy for 45 years, so that would kind of negate the progress I mentioned, but I got very derailed from losing my mom at a young age and a slew of other things. And where I am now is not wanting to simply feel better, I'm aiming for self actualization.)

Your story resonated with me. Best of luck with the NC; it's hard.