What would you do?

[Should I stay or...]

   I have been a member of a pool club for over 10 years, my membership has been for my family. While dating my xBPDgf for 5 years I would take her and her d14 her s11 to the pool as well. After several years of being my guest she had decided to obtain her own membership. Our relationship went dark at the end of the summer of 2015. So, these last two summers when I would go to the club I would see her and her children there.

I’ll describe two brief interactions at the pool; Last summer our paths had crossed while walking and I said my hello and she replied and I asked if we can be friends since we were attending the same club and her reply was, “we are not friends.” Another, was while I was sitting at the edge of the pool last summer, her daughter swam up within a few feet of myself. I was always kind to her and there was no need for her to reply this way. I simply said, “hi” insert name, and her reply was, “I prefer you don’t speak to me.” I haven’t utter another hello to anyone since. She still swims near to get a rise out of me but I divert my eyes and remain silent. I’m sure she was instructed by her mother to respond in such an unkind way but needless to say it took the wind out of me. This summer I’ve been back at the pool a handful of times. When I do attend I can see my x position herself from across the pool in direct sight of me. I get anxious every time I do go so I purposely stay away.

So, here’s my dilemma.
I haven’t been in a relationship for the two years since we parted ways. When I have dated I found myself trying to sabotage every encounter. I guess I still have held out hope for a return, but I know deep down that it will never be the same. Recently, I started dating this women 20 years younger than I. Surprisingly it works, and I do honestly like her and she likes me as well. We have been seeing each other for 4months now and I don’t see any red flags, phew. We hang out when we can, we’re actually going away this weekend, and that’s big for me. I usually have pushed away or sabotaged after the first date. So, I’m in for now. She mentioned last weekend that she’d like to go to the pool with me, gulp! She knows the whole back story. I didn’t respond immediately and I know she felt my hesitation and I know it made her feel less than. I would like to take her but then again I don’t feel comfortable in doing so. I’m a very private person even though I’m well recognized in the community. I would never flaunt or deliberately want to show case my life in front of my x. I wouldn’t want to bring another women to the pool and have my x see me or stare across the way wanting to know, or cause her to pick up and leave. Either way it a very uncomfortable predicament. Almost feel like I would be cheating on my x, I know it sounds weird. Or is it that, I still want her back? My anxiety level is running high either way. I know what I should do but would like to know what you would do or think about this?

[Mutt]

Only you can answer the question if you want her back. I think that it's normal to miss the other person, you were together for 5 years, you need more time behind you.

I can understand feeling awkward about going to the pool with your new gf. Does your ex routinely go on specific days or times? Is there a day of the week perhaps were she has other commitments and can't make it to the pool? Maybe work your activity around days / times that she'll likely not be at the pool?

[bunny4523]

   I’m in for now. She mentioned last weekend that she’d like to go to the pool with me, gulp! She knows the whole back story. I didn’t respond immediately and I know she felt my hesitation and I know it made her feel less than. I would like to take her but then again I don’t feel comfortable in doing so.

My thoughts are to wait until you are "in" not just in for now.  No need to take the new girlfriend right now... .since it will make everyone uncomfortable and someone may end up getting their feelings hurt.  Wait until you have a better understanding about the role this new girlfriend will play in your life.  You say you like her and enjoy the relationship so protect her and do right by her.  Don't put her into that situation until you are sure how you feel about her,  you want her in your life and will fight to keep her in your life.

Hope that makes sense, just my thoughts... .
Bunny 

[Woods77]

I take it she had BPD or some form of it, because its easy for us to involve ourself in drama once we leave the relationship, we have to remember to be sensible. I have caused myself many dramas since leaving and I never used to. I decided to think more sensibly, Id consider the best way to do this is to find a new pool, as hard as that might be, it would remove the big problem and you could find a new place and not have all the worry and things that go with the current place.