Need solidarity and hopeful stories PLEASE

[Stillholdinghope]

Hello all,

This is my first post. I have been married to my husband for 5 years and looking back now things were always off. I never understood why he would have such strong emotional reactions over seemingly nothing, why he had so much irrational jealousy, why no matter how much I told him I only wanted to be with him he would never believe it. We fell in love hard and fast and married after dating barely a year, half of which was long distance.

We relocated in August of last year and that is when things really took a turn for the worse. We moved here because I was starting a school program. Before we even moved his rage intensified. When we moved here I told him he needed to get help or I would leave him. He found a therapist and started going but also started withdrawing and raging with virtually no regulated time. I knew nothing of BPD and I became angry at his reactions. I emotionally reacted to his insanely hurtful words. I stopped fighting back and cried as he raged at me. I spent as much time as possible at school. I had anxiety at the thought of coming home because I couldn't take his verbal abuse anymore. I made the mistake of telling him that there was a male classmate who I was relying on for emotional support and that I was concerned about that and that I wanted him to be that for me but he was withdrawing. This only enraged him more and I was painted to be a cheater. He has ALWAYS had a fear of me cheating on him since he says his previous gfs always cheated on him (I somewhat doubt some of that now).

Finally in mid-April I kicked him out of the house. We have a two year old son and I didn't want him to think the way he was talking to me was normal. I filed a restraining order due to his public verbal abuse intensifying even after I kicked him out with threats, breaking into the apartment, etc.

About three weeks ago I discovered BPD. I have read everything I can find on it. It gave me new hope. Some of the material I read is triggering due to its accuracy.

He completely shut me out after the restraining order. I also was ignoring him because I thought he would react like a "normal" person and seek me out and apologize for his horrible treatment. Since finding out about his diagnosis I have completely switched my mentality and find myself doing damage control. I have started working actively to regain my husband's trust. I have employed the tactics of mirroring back instead of absorbing or arguing and it has worked wonders. I have found a DBT program in the area I am working on getting him into. I am also in therapy. He and I have had several conversations of late including an hour long conversation this past weekend in which he actually asked me TWICE to give his information to the lady from the program I told him about (without mentioning BPD or DBT). He seems to have some self awareness that his "mouth" is a problem.

Please tell me there is hope. Will he ever trust me again after this perceived infidelity? Do you have personal experiences with spouses who got treatment and their behavior drastically improved?

Thank you.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

I am really impressed by your willingness to help. I have been dealing with this for 6.5 years with my partner and it is not easy. I would say he has literally broken up with me, in the extreme, hundreds of times. I am luckily fairly calm and balanced and have been to this rodeo once before with another amazing/genius boyfriend in the past. But still. It's hard. It hurts. He broke with me this week, but I don't know if it will take. He always seems dead serious about it, but then breaks down, apologizes for "being crazy" and then the "up" phase begins again. I am "idealized" on the pedestal, but you can't help but have that gnawing feeling in the background that this dark phase will come again and your whole world will be upended. It's extra hard for me as we are overseas, I'm an immigrant here, and by default he is in charge of everything. So, my world really periodically ends. Stay strong in yourself. I send you lots of hope!

[Stillholdinghope]

Thank you so much for your support. I really appreciate it. My husband also has "broken up" with me or threatened to so many times. I can not tell you how many times he has thrown his wedding ring. It is so hard. He is currently wearing his wedding ring on his right hand.

[pearlsw]

Oh, that is so hard.

I don't even have a wedding ring and I don't really want one anymore. Had a nagging fear if I accepted one he'd just try to take it back and then give it back and then take it back (maybe I am just imagining this) so I never accept his offers of one. I'd just rather focus on improving the dynamic or at least lessening the damage.

I think there is some hope. I think you can extend the up phases a bit with some work. I don't think my partner's down phases will ever just go away completely but I try to be at peace by modeling good communication and fair fighting. I switch into a bit of a caretaker mode, like a nurse at a hospital whose patient is saying really, really mean things. I've seen people with Dementia and Parkinson's and Alzheimer's disease so I classify this, for my own sanity, as a brain disorder I am dealing with. I hope it will be temporary. In my experience the black phases can be shortened by not tossing anger back at him, but by staying as calm and decent as possible - no matter what. It is hard.