Let My uBPD ex bf manipulate me and now I feel awful, need some advice

[ers8806]

So about a month and a half ago he randomly broke up with me for no reason and made me move out. We had just gotten back from visiting his parents where just 2 days prior told me how sorry he was for when he rages at me, that he doesn't mean it, he doesn't know why he does it and that he can't control himself when he gets like this. He then told me he was in love with me, made me promise to never leave him when he does this and to love him forever. That morning he told me how much he loved me and kissed me goodbye, then on his way home he texted and told me I had to leave and that we were over. When I asked him why he told me he loved me and wants to be with me but couldn't because he's a worthless piece of crap that deserves to die. I tried to get an explanation for him ending our relationship but he began to rage. I got scared and so I grabbed my dog, got in my car and tried to leave. Before I could get my door closed he opened the door, grabbed the garage clicker, slammed on my window door and told me to get the blank  back inside and get my stuff. I managed to hit reverse and left. He tried calling multiple times which I ignored and he then texted me multiple times with threats. I texted back and told him I would speak to him when he calmed down. I sat in the car in a parking lot for about 2 hours until I felt enough time passed and I finally answered his call. He sounded calm and asked me where I was. I told him I was in a parking lot and he told me he missed me but he's not allowed to be with me. He then said he wasn't home and told me he wasn't t going to be on earth anymore. When I asked him where he was he told me not to worry about it, he mentioned something about "them" having to pay and that he has to end it all. I became worried and asked him again where he was, and again he said don't worry about it. He then began making gasping sounds, started sounding faint and suddenly stopped responding altogether. I became terrified and demanded he answered me. I hung up and called him a couple of times, each time, in which each time he'd answer, make gasping sounds and barely respond in a fainting tone. I began rushing to his house panicking and kept asking him if I needed to call 911 in which he would not respond. As soon as I pulled into his driveway he responded normally, told me he was fine, that he just got home and that he was just blowing his nose.

When I went over to pack my things the next day he kept telling me the entire time how much he's going to miss me and how much he loves me. Whenever I asked why he was doing this he said he's not allowed to be with me because he's a worthless piece of crap so he has to tell himself he doesn't love me so that he could make himself believe it. When I was getting ready to leave he told me he was selling all of his stuff and his vipers because he wouldn't need them anymore and that he was leaving this planet.

For about the first week after we broke up he was still calling me everyday and night telling me how much he loved me and missed me but wasn't "allowed" to be with me. He'd call me at night and tell me he wanted to die and was in a lot of pain. One night he asked me what I would do if I walked in and saw he had just hung himself. I couldn't sleep that night and didn't hear from him at all the following day. I was emotionally upset and worried about him hurting himself. I contacted his sister, neighbor and business partners wife to tell them what was going on because I was extremely concerned about his mental state and would feel awful if he committed suicide because I wasn't there and I didn't try to do anything to help him. That's when he stopped calling and texting me back. Soon after I found out he had a new gf which explained why he stopped contacting me completely. I was confused, emotional and worried and so I tried contacting him but got no response and then he blocked me.

About a week or so later, after I stopped contacting him and I finally began moving on with my life, he called me because he saw a photo I was tagged in and missed me. He began calling me multiple times a day telling me how much he loved and missed me. A couple days later l found out why I had been so overly emotional- I found out I was pregnant. I told him about it and he told me I needed to have an abortion. It was a hard decision to make but knowing he was emotionally unstable and that I didn't want to be a single mom I decided to go through with it. From then on - both before and after the abortion - he began calling me multiple times a day telling me he loved me and missed me. Even if he spent the night with her he would call me immediately after she left in the morning telling me how he misses me and how it's not the same when he's with her because he's in love with me and belongs with me. He unblocked me and started following me on fb and I began getting texts from him telling me how he loves me so much, how he wants to marry me how we belong together, how he needs me, etc. He'd then tell me he can't be with me. Whenever he'd say that I'd just explain that it is what it is, that it's out of my control and that if that's how he feels than I have no choice but to move on without him. He'd then immediately go back to telling me hes in love with me, misses me and wants to be with me.

Thursday I met him at his office to pick up money for the abortion from him. He told me he was in love with me, he needed me, how he only wants to be with me, that he wants to marry me, how if we were still together he wouldn't have made me get an abortion, etc. He told me he wanted me to go home with him and make dinner and cuddle that night. Thinking he was breaking up with her and really did want to be with me, he started kissing me and I put all of thoughts about his mental unstableness aside and went along with it. He asked me if he was cheating and I said yes. He then told me he only wanted to be with me and how he's in love with me and so he started kissing me again and we eventually hooked up. Immediately after we did, he felt guilty for cheating and told me he needed time to think. I respected his need for space and went out with some friends. He called me later that night to tell me how in love with me he was and that he wanted me to get bella and come over and cuddle. He then told me he had to call me back. About 3 minutes later he called me back screaming in rage and blaming me for him cheating and how he wanted to die. I told him I would speak to him when he calms down because as I've learned from past experiences there's no reasoning with him when he rages like this. He tried calling me a few times in which I ignored. I then got a couple of texts telling me to leave him alone. A few minutes later I went to call him back to try to calm him down and realized he blocked me from everything again. This frustrated me and I emailed him a couple of times to try to reason with him. I heard nothing back.

Saturday was our neighbors birthday party which he knew I was attending as he had mentioned a few days earlier how he wanted to go with me. I went to the party and hung out at their pool after as planned. He called my neighbor asking if I was there which the neighbor told him I was. He then told him that he wanted to come if I wasn't there but that he was going to hang out with his gf so he won't go if I was there. Knowing I was there, and instead of going to her house or elsewhere, he intentionally decided to have her and some friends over at his pool as if he was deliberately trying to get a reaction out of me. I knew what he was trying to do and I had absolutely no intention of letting him get to me. For the first few hours I didn't let it affect me at all and I was having a good time. However when my dog started walking towards his house (since we used to live there) all of the emotional pain, manipulation, abuse and suffering he has been causing me began to escalate, it took over my thoughts and I lost all logical thinking. I went over there when I shouldn't have and began crying and yelling at him asking him why he was doing this when 2 days earlier and the last few weeks he's been telling me how in love with me he was. My neighbors began taking me back over to their house. Feeling uncomfortable and guilty for causing drama and getting the neighbors involved I pleaded with them to let me leave. They finally agreed to let me leave and I started going home.

On my way home the pain turned into frustration and I stupidly and illogically went to his house and began knocking on his door asking that him to talk to me. When he didn't answer I knocked on his bedroom window. He then opened the door and began shooting his BB gun towards me. I started running for my car to leave and he pushed me to the ground onto the driveway and asked me where my phone was. When I didn't answer (as at this point I was hysterically crying) he opened my car door, grabbed my phone and threw it in his pond. He then ran back inside and locked the door. I knocked on the door telling him I wanted absolutely nothing to do with him, explained that I just wanted him to help me get my phone back and that I would leave after I got my phone back.

At that time police arrived. I admitted I was completely in the wrong for going over there and explained that I just wanted my phone back and I would leave after. He told the police he didn't know anything about my phone and told them his version of what happened that night. From the sound of how the cop was speaking I'm assuming he made me look worse than I had actually been, but I also knew I was absolutely in the wrong for being there in the first place and I didn't want to dig myself into an even deeper hole. I realized there's no way of getting my phone back at this point so I asked them if I could leave and they said yes. I'm assuming he threw my phone in the pond to try and get rid of my phone records and texts from him, but luckily I have a iPhone so I have all call and text records if needed. I should not have let him get to me and I was completely wrong for going to his house. Logically I knew it was pointless and dangerous to go there and to be honest I don't know what I was thinking I'd get out of it by going there. I was 100% wrong for going there and I take full responsibility for my actions.

I love him and I have done nothing but try to help him. He's extremely intelligent and unfortunately he is a master when it comes to twisting, distorting, manipulating and projecting things onto others, and the last few months his focus has been entirely on me. He has manipulated, hurt, and abused me and is now trying to paint me as a crazy stalker. This may sound crazy but infeel like he purposely did this to get me to react like I did and that he wanted me to react like this so in his twisted mind he could give  himself a reason to not want to be with me anymore.

I was wrong for doing what I did that night and I feel completely ashamed and absolutely embarrassed about it. I disrespected him, myself and everyone there by going over there and I'm truly sorry for my poor judgement and actions. He has put me through more pain and suffering than anyone should ever have to go through. Regardless of how much pain, abuse and suffering he has caused me, I know that there is no excuse for me acting the way that I did that night. I don't plan on going to the neighbors house anytime soon because I don't want any drama from him.

I take full responsibility and there is absolutely no excuse for my poor actions the other night. It was one night of poor judgment on my part and I will never do anything like that ever again. I am a normal stable person with a great career. I have never been involved with police because of my actions before, in fact the only time I have ever encountered any police involvement has been because of his outbursts. I don't want any problems or any kind of record. I do not want to lose my career over this and I don't want him to drag me down any further than he already has. This was simply one night of poor judgement on my part. I am by no means a stalker. He has done everything possible to hurt me and drag me down. Unfortunately this is the one and only time that something was actually my fault instead of his.

As much as I know I can't have him in my life, I can't help but miss him. Ive been trying to hang out with friends to stay busy and started seeing a therapist which is a step, but does anyone have any other advice on how to help cope? Do you think he'll finally leave me alone or do you think he'll try to contact me again? Any advice would help!

[Herodias]

That sounds like a nightmare! Please forget about "love" and realize this is a very disturbed person that all the love in the world will not help him. Please get yourself safe and stay away no matter what he says to you in order to sway you back into his life. Get help from your friends and family. Unfortunately, this is not going to change for you. It is best you get yourself some help and face reality here. I know I sound harsh, but I have been there. If you go back it gets worse and worse. When someone tells you they are not a good person, believe them! Do not believe any suicide pleas... .tell him you are not able to help with that and will send him the authorities who can help if he wants that. He will stop doing that to you when you do this. I would tell him this has frightened you and you will abide by his wishes and stay away. Then do it. No more chances. Save yourself. This is where cheating leads... .My ex cheated with a married woman, she got pregnant and now she is stuck with him for life. He is as mentally unstable as your guy. Don't be that girl. Stay away from cheaters... .learn the lesson.  So sorry... .but this is a lesson for you to learn the hard way. You said you have a good job and are stable. Then go back to that life and stay away from the dark side. It is not worth it. My ex had "stalkers" too... .liars and cheaters are all the same. Get out of that category, because you knew he was cheating... .you will suffer too. They do not change. You can learn and never do this again. Therapy is a good idea. Best wishes.

[JQ]

Hello ers,

I'm so sorry that you've had to go through all of that ... .and that you had to find us "the group" ... .but I'm glad you did.     Know that YOU are NOT alone in your BPD journey. We've been where you've been ... .some still are to some degree.  A couple of questions, how & when did you find that your ex had BPD?  Feel free to tell us what you want, you won't find anyone here to judge you. You have started your journey of self discovery & healing from your BPD r/s. 

What you've describe in his actions, in your feelings, emotions are everything a lot of us have experienced. The outburst aka "Raging", "Suicide Idealization" are symptoms & actions of someone who has a Very Serious Cluster B Mental Illness called BPD. And what you describe of your feelings, emotions are what a "NON" aka "Codependent" would experience ... .I know because I was one. I like to say I am a recovering codependent ... .after a lifetime of that type of behavior it's hard not to fall back into it. It was only after A LOT of help from a couple of therapist, reading, doing a deep dive on my childhood history and finally looking the truth squarely on that I started my path of NOT being a NON.  You can too ... .being a codependent is a learned  behavior ... .you can UN-Learn it.

What I've read in your post is about blaming yourself of not doing something or not saying something. STOP IT~!  He's blaming you for everything ... .He has learned through a very broken mind to be a master manipulator to feed his need ... .he rages at you 2 minutes after he tells you that he loves you ... .we ALL went through the same thing. From what I read nothing good has come from the r/s with him. Why continue to put yourself through it? He will beg, blame, rage at you on the phone, or via text. I wish I could show you some of mine.   

So, what everyone will tell you including me is that YOU need to stop thinking, worrying, wondering, about your exBPD. YOU need to take care of YOU~!  And like other NON's this concept will be foreign to you ... .it's ok ... .the group is here to help you ... .in addition to your therapist that you're seeing. Seeing a good therapist well versed in BPD vs NON r/s is an important key to the right path on your journey.

This is YOUR journey to get to a better place ... .the group can't walk it for you. It will be full of bumps & pot holes along the way ... .and you will stumble from time to time. But if you look up the group will be there for YOU ... .we'll help you up, dust you off & the next step will be yours. You can sit back down & see how that continues to work out for you. You can continue on the path your currently on & see how well that will continue to work out ... .or YOU can take the path to the right & see where that leads you. The choice HAS been & will ALWAYS be YOURS !

I would read the different articles on this website ... .it's full of good resources. I would also read, "The Human Magnet Syndrome" to start that you can probably borrow from your therapist or find in your local library if not, you can certainly find it online.  You'll learn about BPD vocabulary like, painted black, painted white, raging, projection, gas-lighting, Fear, Obligation, Guilt aka "FOG", just to name a few.  Know this ... .The 3 C's  "I didn't Cause it, I can't Cure it and I can't Control it."  BPD is a VERY Serious Cluster B Mental Illness that they had long before you showed up in the picture ... .It is beyond current modern medicine, doctor skills & pharma to cure, or fix and the best anyone could hope for is a very limited "Management" of the behavior ... .THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT~! DO NOT FEEL GUILTY~!

Here are a couple of suggestions to help YOU get started of taking care of YOU~!
Go for a walk before your day starts or in the evening ... .a mile will only take 15-20 minutes. And 3 miles will only take you a hour to do. This does a couple of things for you ... .it helps you burn off all that stress that has been raging havoc on your mind, body & soul. And it burns off some of those empty calories that you've been eating ... .yep we've all been there.    Next eat a salad for dinner ... .listen to some good upbeat music as you fix it. Next ... .watch a funny movie or find a friend to go to a comedy club with ... .humor & laughter helps heal the mind body and soul. 

Take time to enjoy the small things in life because they are truly the biggest things in life that we tend to overlook & miss everyday. This is YOUR homework ... .  On your day off ... .get up 30 minutes before the sun rises ... .no matter where you live on this planet there is a place some place close to you that watching the sun come up would be spectacular ... .doesn't matter if it's in your back yard, a park ... .top of a apt building ... .think about where you would want to watch it. Then take your favorite beverage with you, coffee, tea, a Monster, orange juice ... .whatever you enjoy in the morning and get to your spot ... .look up into the sky, see the stars against the blackness ... .take a moment to listen to the lack of sounds & how quite it is. Take it all in for a few minutes ... .then notice the stars start to dim ... .the black sky starts to fade & give way to whispers of pink, some yellow ... .then some orange ... .the black night sky gives way to a light blue ... .then the sun pops up ... .more oranges ... .more pinks. Listen to the birds wake up for their day ... .listen to everyone starting their day with the cars starting to move ... .it's an amazing thing to witness ... .no two days are alike. I enjoy it as much as 3-5 days a week ... .it really is an awesome way to start your day. Do this and come back here to share your experience. 

If you're intention is to move forward in YOUR life and get to a better place most of not everyone will say to go NC or NO Contact with your exBPD. That means lock down your FB & other social media so that they can't "watch you". Next block his number on your phone & then delete so that you don't contact them in a moment of weakness ... .because you will have moments of weakness and nothing good comes from reaching out to them.  Advise your friends NOT to tell him what your doing, how your doing ... .this will save you a lot of problems too. And don't go checking on him either ... .this recovery is about YOU~!

Come back here as often as you need too ... .more importantly as often as YOU want too.  Let us know what YOU did for YOU that day~!   You have some homework ... .so let us know how that goes too.

Above everything else ... .know that the group is here for you ... .when you need us ... .we can't walk your journey for you ... .but we can be there to support you.

Here are some video's to watch ... .they've helped me get through some tough times ... .


This one is motivational ... ."Even the most confident & motivated people will need a helping hand at some point in their life"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ZQeMv5PXhg&t=92s

This one lets you know it's ok to grieve ... ."The most important life lesson I've ever learned is this ... .  sometime people leave ... .and sometimes unexpectedly ... .take a deep breath ... .moan the lost and start living again."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BsIYlgrov3k&t=7s

This one ... .hell it's just funny 5 steps of grief ... .Giraffe
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Z3lmidmrY

See you soon ... .

J   

[ers8806]

Thank you guys so much for the advice. I've been hanging out with friends and am going line dancing a couple times a week to stay busy and get exercise. I just started reading the human magnet and agree that I seem to have codependency issues. I also have a therapist appointment tomorrow so I'm looking forward to that. She's been on vacation so I haven't seen her since all of this happened. I'll let you know how things go. 

I failed to mention that his new gf is a lot less attractive than me. I'm not just saying that, both our mutual and my personal friends have randomly told me this. Do you think he'll continue focusing on her and leave me alone now after everything that happened on Saturday or do you think he'll still try to contact me again? Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

[Herodias]

They don't seem to care about attractiveness... .in fact, I wonder if they downgrade, thinking the person would more than likely stay with them when they start the devalue stage. He may try with you a few times when he is unsure of her, but you have to remain strong. It is just a test to see if you do not have strong boundaries. I stupidly had sex with mine and he told me we would get back together, then he went off and introduced her to his Uncle who was in town. It was so humiliating for me. Don't do it, you will be sorry. Stay strong.

[ers8806]

I've been having a really bad day today. I can't stop crying and haven't been able to work today. I have my therapy appointment soon and I'm hoping it helps but god I miss him so much. I just want him back, I want to call him and tell him how much I love him, but I can't do any of that because he blocked me and right now I'm painted black. I know I can't contact him, I know hed likely try to pull a restraining order or do something crazy if I do. I also know that even if he somehow did paint me white that he'd just hurt me again and I'd be right where I am right now, which is at the lowest point in my life. I just want this pain to stop. Why do I miss him so much? I hate this.

[Harley Quinn]

I just want this pain to stop. Why do I miss him so much? I hate this.

It is early days for you and you have been through so much.  An abortion alone is a really emotional thing and can affect you enormously.  On top of that a BPD break up which is like no other break up you've encountered and then the episode and all the relating emotions from the day of the party.  I'd like to add here that it's OK to make mistakes and it's important that you forgive yourself for your actions and let it go.  No good will come from beating yourself up over that - you are going through enough. 

It is unfortunately part of the process to feel this way and although you'll want me to sod off for saying this, it does get better with time. 

I know the desperate feelings of love, longing and despair and how awful they were to deal with.  Notice I say 'were' and not 'are'?  Going through this is like beating an addiction to drugs.  Once you get through this, you'll start to realise the good points to no longer being in the situation you were.  Like feeling calm, unpanicked, relaxed and more confident, free to do as you choose without explanation to anyone... .the list goes on.  But right now you feel like crap and probably don't want to hear any of this, so I'm going to give you a link to the ten beliefs that can keep you stuck, as it helped me enormously to gain some perspective when I was feeling as you are.  I hope it does the same for you.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality#1

You can do this.  We are here to support you.   

[ers8806]

My grandpa just died today. I haven't been able to even cry about it until just now. All I want is him. I want to call him so bad

[Gemsforeyes]

Oh my dear girl... .

My deepest condolences.  I'm so so sorry about the loss of your grandpa.  The best thing for you to do is cuddle up with your pup, Bella, right?  Cuddle up with your pup and cry every tear for everything you've been through lately.  No better love than that for you right now.

Losing your grandpa is a true loss.  When you drift off to sleep, allow yourself to have dreams of happy times spent with your grandpa.  Those times will settle into sweet memories That you'll carry throughout your lifetime.

Please have faith that you WILL heal.  Please reach out to friends for support.

Sending you love,
Gemsforeyes

[Harley Quinn]

I am deeply sorry to hear of your loss.  It is tragic to lose a beloved family member and made even harder by your already heightened emotions over your ex.  Please try to surround yourself with loving supportive individuals amongst your family and friends for comfort.  Your relatives need you too and you can care for one another at this sad time.  As Gems says, the unconditional love and affection of a dear pet is something that is unrivalled and special, so take every cuddle that you need and your pup will sense how you are feeling and instinctively want to be with you right now. 

Sending love and light your way x