Day 5 of the "break up" phase

[pearlsw]

My partner has broken up with me literally hundreds of times. We are in a "break up" now. We live together, are married, are overseas, it is not like I can walk out the door in the snap of a finger. We just became aware of his BPD last year (his and my best hunch from what we have read). We have not seen a professional yet.

Just having a hard day. It is the 5th day of the break up. If his kids were not visiting he would have likely felt "lonely" and turned to me, but with others around this has not happened yet. Also, because there are others around there is no time to talk privately and hope for an improvement of the situation.

After close to 7 years of this I know these are phases, but still.

Oh now he just walked into the room and blamed me for the entire problem. I am shaking. He would not let me reply to any of it.

Well, I just wanted to say that each of these "break ups" has always felt real and hurt me. Every time afterwards he says that "he is sorry, he was crazy, he didn't mean it." We work hard... .It takes time. We recover from the damage. But he has taken it to a new level. Involved others. His family I mean. He has turned them all against me. Unfortunately I am isolated and have no friends here. The cruelty is hard to bear.

I could use some encouragement to take care of my health and find some peace and small joys in my life despite the storm around me and the sense of despair and hopelessness I have.

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[pearlsw]

Is there anyone else here who has been "broken up" with by one person hundreds of times? My other exs and I only broke up 1-2 times over the course of long-term relationships, tops. With my current partner it is sometimes weekly, bi-weekly, sometimes we make it a whole month or so without one. I don't break up. I don't think you should say that kind of thing unless you really mean it and are going to go forward with it. But I believe for him this may be a way of coping with the pain of a perceived "rejection". I try to remain stable and not... .hit back with such damaging weapons. I want peace and stability. That is why I got with him in the first place. I thought my life would have more stability and a nice partnership. These phases are... .soul-crushing.

How do you feel from this? How has it affected you long-term? Knowing it will likely continue like this, how do you cope?

[snowglobe]

Dear @pearlsw, I first want to tell you are very strong and brave, and since you lived this nightmare at least one hundred times you will get through intact. I've shared a similar experience both privately, my husband telling me that he was leaving, looking for a rental to move to and that he dispises me. As well is publicly, him humiliating me in front of others, telling that I should start head hunting for a new prospect and devaluing me in any way possible. People react, reaction feeds emotions, such as rage and it all gets justified in his mind. I can not give you any advice on how to act, I am currently in the same boat. He is leaving every night to sleep at another bedroom, barely talks to me, when he does, it's usually something like "I don't give a s$&t". From my experience, I try to look out for myself, sleep as much as I can to preserve energy, work out to keep sanity, spend time with family, to make myself feel better, I also try to stay close to home in case he wants to reconcile. Unfortunately, he has very poor coping strategy and lack of insight, he does not apologize for the emotional terror he is inflicting on me or those close to us. There is a reason, as to why we, non BPDs stay in the relationships, our needs are met during the idealization stage, it's more then the average relationship. I also take a long hard look at my own personal traits and reflect. I am giving you a virtual hug and hope that you've able to detach from what others think of you, including his family. If they are close, they already know this side of him, and understand the dinamics. I wish you peace.

[pearlsw]

Hi Snowglobe, Thanks so much for your thoughts and wishes. I appreciate it very much. Just knowing there are others going through this too helps so much. He actually let me eat with him and the kids at dinner time today. He is still being cold, but some small part of him seems to have thawed a bit. But when he can't sleep he wakes up ruminates and "hates me" all over again fresh the next day. No telling how long this will go on for and what horrors are in store for me. The scariest part is when he wakes me to rage at me. I get very startled now when I am sleeping and have to wake up suddenly. I used to wake up in that sweet way were you think something must be wrong and you want to help. Now I wake up terrified, heart racing, what kinds of insults and extreme things will I hear. Will I be allowed to get back to sleep?, etc. Thank you for your kindness and humanity. Means so much to me!

[snowglobe]

Oh pearlsw, you are describing my reality. When he is detaching, like he doesn't even see me, or looks like past through me, as if I'm a disposable condom. It hurts, my naturacreacrion is to fight back, ignore him back, give him a taste, which only fuels his dismissiveness and anger. The way he talks to our kids, "don't expect anything from me, other then shelter and food, we are different people" creates a large gaping hole between us. I try, I try to remember the sweet man who takes me out on a town and tells me he loves me. The same man who tracks my every move, who calls me to share any news. As I'm getting older, I'm more frightened. Once our kids move out, will it get better? Will he become more balanced? If I get sick, will he be the first to pull plug in order to meet his own selfish needs?. I'm hurting so bad, if it was physical, I would compare to having a new bone broken every day. You are NOT alone, wherever you are. You are not a victim or his slave. Try to own it, try to admit that on some level those ups you experience with your partner outweighs these break ups. The most shameful yet liberating experience I had was to realize that my self esteem is so low, that when he treats me this way, I feel like he finally figured out my worth, which is nothing. I'm just as torn as you are... .

[pearlsw]

Dear Snowglobe, Thank you so much for all you have written. I'm am just looking/applying for jobs as best I can. I have a small job, but not enough to support myself. I cannot function well when he is this black phase. It is so humiliating. I have to admit, before he and I narrowed it down to recognizing he has some of these BPD traits I constantly asked myself if he was just evil? It is so hard to have someone you love treat you this incredibly badly. I know it won't help, but I bought a lotto ticket after work yesterday! I always buy them on the worst days. Even those few minutes of hope are worth the small price. The stress of his kid's visits always sets him off. No matter how much we discuss ahead of time how to cope with these times and be a team at some point it all goes downhill. It came suddenly and then all the old issues we resolved suddenly came ripped open again. I wish he would "miss me" and turn to me again, but he won't while the kids are here and I'm not even sure how many more weeks they are here... .2? 3? He often does not tell me what is going on, slips his mind, thinks a bit selfishly. He and they can all easily exclude me because they speak another language which I don't. He just is barking orders at me like a maid and leaving me home while they are out.  He even came to me on Thursday night and had me fix up a small cut his son got, then the next day would not drive me to a medical appointment. He promised me to never mess with medical appointments again. In the past I had to beg and cry on my knees, and walk out the door to get him to take me to an appointment. I don't have low self-esteem, but still, it makes me sad that any human would treat me this way. He was sorry afterwards, but it took awhile. A lot of things he doesn't even remember. They are burned into me.

Wish he would let me leave when they come, but it is not so affordable to go away and I want to help him. He can't cook and I do what I can to help keep the stress low. The kids are okay, but it is hard not to feel real fear when they come because it puts my relationship into jeopardy every single time. Their presence makes me tense, and their family dynamic is so different than my family of origin (kid's run the show and get all their wishes met in his family while in mine parent's made decisions and kid's followed along) that I can't relate.  He always kicks me to the curb. I am always the scapegoat, constantly judged, the "bad guy."

I am really afraid he took it too far this time by pulling others into the problem. We have talked about not doing this, but when he can't control his emotions he says things that are best kept private.  I will have to wait and see. He is asleep now but when he wakes I'm in for more of him barging into the room, making threats and unfounded accusations, and the cold shoulder, etc.  I wish his kids didn't have to see all this, my gosh, but he tells them it is because of me he acts this way.

In a regular situation you could give the other person a little "taste" of this kind of treatment, but not with someone with these issues I've learned. I try to project kindness and stability and assure him I'm not going away, not abandoning him. The hard part is I am the one getting abandoned at the moment. I don't feel the same about it as he does, I do not have such extreme emotions, and am very balanced, but it does wear you down.

You ask yourself all the time "what is reality"? What is reality? This phase or the other phase or what? In 2016 I definitely broke apart for awhile, became like two people inside, living two lives, one foot in and one foot out. I could not tell if I was in this relationship or not. For 5 yr's I lived like that.

I have learned to see that I am in it and I am the caregiver. It is like the way people in hospitals feel when the patients lash out at them, only I am the only one in the family that realizes his emotional imbalances are driving this. It is a total mind f---. Now, I understand it better, but still, I am scared. My world is "ending", how do I plan for that? My resources have dwindled and I am too ashamed/private to ask family for help.

Unfortunately for me because my father passed away as a kid these (simulated) breaks ups feel like the loss associated with death. It puts me in a bad place. It makes me doubt I can continue like this, but I do. When he is up for awhile I get lulled into thinking it will be that way. He wants it so bad, to be together, that he will make it work and not be this way, but that is simply not how it works. Oh, I am just rambling... .I appreciate having the ear of someone who just "gets" it. I did not cause this reaction. It is too much. Thank you for the understanding and support. You make a big difference for me with this.

[pearlsw]

And on the 6th day... .he is "back" apologizing for not taking me to my doctor's appointment yesterday and that he will "fix this"... .Sorry for the false accusations... .Just sorry. Vows to "fix it all" with his family. Wanted sex already two times before noon.

Now I have to eat again and read more here to be ready for the days that will follow.

This community saved me this week. Just being able to read and be here with all of you. Thank you.

[5xFive]

Pearlsw,

I too know how you feel! We are also apparently in the breakup phase. I was really sick yesterday and I just needed some comfort. Well instead of comforting me, he worked extra hours at work and then went to a friends house to "decompress"! Leaving me with our baby and six year old to take care of while I was throwing up.
Just now he texted me that I am ignorant and greedy and he will no longer be my slave. He's done with me. How do we handle this? I couldn't leave either when he was raging at me yesterday, I was in bed trying not to be sick! Our 8mo old was throwing up too and she was trying to nurse to sleep and he kept coming in the room to scream at me, waking her up over and over.
Now he says he has to return his truck to work and get another but he's going to walk home bc he knows he can't ask me for help. I always help him! He's the one who didn't help me! It's hard to know what is reality and what isn't. 

[pearlsw]

Oh my! That sounds so difficult! I've been in bed all week myself, but you are sick and caring of two kids! And this on top of it. I know it is hard to hold onto reality. These breakups seem real and are painful and terrifying. It helped me a little this time that I waited. I listened to things he said today, though unfair and unhinged, and he got to have sex which is deep down probably why he came to "reconcile" in the first place. Read up on "radical acceptance" on this site perhaps. It helped me stay grounded and supports me in staying with him. I want to stay with my fella, but I am always a bit scared and wishing I had a better back up plan. I choose to focus on providing the stability that we will stay together. I am sharing small bits of things I am learning here to help. I hope this day is really the last day of this break, but I haven't seen him for a few hours. Sending virtual hugs to you and your kids. I hope this phase ends soon!