I wish that he would say It's okay baby

[Frankee]

This is a very concerning situation I find myself stewing over.  Last night my BPD SO were having a nice discussion.  We were talking about a payment (seems a lot of issues revolve around money) and I made the comment, I was reading when have until such date to pay it off and I was going to call and ask.  Wrong thing to say.  He snapped back, no... You do what they told you and don't "Nancy Drew" it like you always try to do.  I was like... Okay... He told me that I better not screw around with this and we better not lose our item because you can't leave sh** alone.  I don't want to fight so I just say alright, I won't.  It was too late though and he was already mad.  He sits there for awhile and then says he's taking a shower.  Then he gets mad because he can't find a charger box (one was sitting on his dresser) and said complaining about how the mattress was too high and was wanting to know what was wrong with the old one (it was years old and springs were starting to stick out.

After while he calmed down.  Then I find myself asking why did I do something.  We had discussed about rent.  We had to rig it to use two different cards to pay rent.  Before that, he told me to send an email to our landlord saying we'd be short because of the hurricane.  I didn't send it and we figured out how to pay on time.  Later on, I went to put my phone on the charger and saw the email... And even now I had a stupid moment and hit send.  Not even registering what I just did until he said something about the email.  He asked if I had sent it... When I realized what I had done... My first instinct was to say no.  I'm trying this how truth thing on and said I sent it... After we had discussed it.  Knowing he was going to be furious about it.  He was and as his "episodes" go... He was pretty dang mean about it.  Going on about how stupid I was, how he couldn't trust me, how he could trust a rabid rabbit better than me, how I made us look like garbage in front of people that matter, how I lie constantly, he was going to have to start smacking me to make sure I'm listening to him because apparently everything wen in one ear out the other... .

I'm not allowed to make mistakes, I'm not allowed to do something by accident.  If I do, it's the most horrible thing in the world and how every past mistakes I've made gets thrown in my face... I cried.  I apologized and sent an email telling them I sent it in error and to please disregard.  It wasn't good enough.  The damage was already done and I can take an email back once it's been sent.  I knew I messed up and even asking myself why I hit send instead of delete, not even sure myself why I did it.

I wish that just once, when I did something wrong, he would say... It's okay baby, we can fix this.  He hasn't said that to me since... A very long time.  Ever since he decided that all of this was my fault.  It weighs heavy on my heart that it seems whenever we take one step forward, he says I make us take two steps back.  This is why I lied sometimes.  The truth when I do something silly stupid... Makes him say mean hurtful things... And even then he throws in about how I lie.  Idk.  Standing here feeling sad, empty, and tired.  I'm starting to feel this is the only safe place I can talk about this.  Even more saddening is, seems this is the only place I can say these things and get reassurance from complete strangers, when I should get it from my SO.

[Skip]

Even more saddening is, seems this is the only place I can say these things and get reassurance from complete strangers, when I should get it from my SO.

Do you want to chat about how to deal with these things or is it cathartic to just release the stress in writing?

Both are OK. Just probing to see how we can best help.

 

[isilme]

You're human - of course you will make mistakes and not be perfect.  It's ok.  It really is.  And being from just south of Corpus, I'm sorry if you're in one of the communities hit far worse. 

My H gets like this, and if I am in an invalidating mood (do this at your own risk) I will just tell him, yes, I called so and so because I want to deal with facts, not feelings or vague impressions.  I need data, not a guess.  Sometimes, he stops.  Sometimes, he gets more riled up.  And sometimes I just say nothing about my plans to check in on something and do it - he doesn't like to think about deadlines, bills, and things that need to be done, and I need them done.  I have accepted that my role will be more responsibility heavy when faced with things like bills I can't ignore (his student loan, his business.  The electric bill or property tax, I handle). 

The problem is your SO can't easily manage his emotions and so he expects you to manage his AND your own.  You are supposed to remove all triggers and stress from life so he won't have to face them.  And once he gets set off, small things like missing chargers (especially one in front of his face) is a big deal.  Once they get going, a paper cut is bleeding out.  This is impossible, and a set up to fail if you accept this mission.  So, don't.  Look at the Serenity Prayer:

Lord grant me the courage to change the things I can,
The strength to accept those I can't
and the wisdom to know the difference.

BPD has a lot of all 3 in it.  You need the courage to set up boundaries and stick to them, like not accepting blame for when his emotions get out of whack.  It's not your fault, no matter what he says.  If you KNOW you did something, yes, then you can take responsibility.  But just because he gets upset does not mean you did anything wrong.  If possible, find ways to remove yourself from the situation when he gets like this.  Run an errand.  Go take care of a chore in another room.  Whether you tell him what you are doing depends on you - I don't.  I just say, ok, I need to go to the store, and go. 

You have to have the strength to accept he has an emotional disability and can't manage himself very well.  That he WILL try to make you feel bad about things like a mattress being too high (this is such a BOD statement, I almost laughed because I've had similar things asked of me).  You have to let some of it just slide off you.  You have to say, this is not "him" but his condition speaking.  And don't react.  Your reactions to try to placate him, try to justify, they often just feed the fire.  If you develop new ways to react, the fire isn't fed as much, and the confrontations end sooner and can spread out more. 

You learn through time how to recorgnize which situations you can affect and which ones you need to just ride out.  You learn when you can talk openly about things, and when you just need to do things to take care of them and not discuss them.  Having a committee discussion about paying bills and such with a person who has poor executive control (problems adulting) is hard to manage.  Find ways to not need his input or permission for items that will hurt YOU if not addressed.  like rent, car payments, etc.  If he has personal bills or responsibilities that will not impact you if unmet, let him fail and face consequences for them, or take over all management duties.  The goal is to protect yourself so you can heal and get stronger.  I've been in my r/s going on 21 years.  You can't be the butt of all things forever, but you can find a more peaceful ground. 

[Kelbel]

Hi Frankee. I'm fairly early days in understanding BPD and its role in my relationship, and its significant impact on my life. But I just wanted to say I know how it feels being under appreciated for what you do, and being blamed for (or otherwise experiencing the wrath related to) other stuff not necessarily within your responsibility or control, or harshly judged for perfectly human and sometimes inconsequential mistakes. I feel for you and I'm sorry not to be able to offer any advice, and can only say that I hear what you're saying and understand how you feel. 

[Frankee]

So this is the kind of text messages I get when something goes wrong...

"Yeah. But that doesn't change the fact that you refuse to listen to what I say. While I'm saying it your all "ok, I understand". But in reality your not listening to one f***ing thing I'm saying. That's why this keeps happening and Everytime you just say "oops" and I'm supposed to be okay with it. Well I'm not, and I'm done ever talking about it again. I never want to have this conversation again. So I will lower my expectations of you, see you for what you actually are, and stop trying. I'm done trying. F*** everything up if you want. Lie to your heart's content since you love it so much. Ignore everything I have to say, but that one won't matter much because I don't plan on ever saying anything again. There's you free f***ing pass. I'm done sweetheart."

"How can I not focus on it when it happens literally nearly every time? Tell me that. We talk, we make a plan, then you don't follow through. Yeah, this time it was something small and you did good on the important part. But before it was opposite, where you have f***d up on the important parts. If you can't follow through with plans we make you will eventually f*** us royally. But you never do. There's always something you leave out, forget, choose not to do, or get confused about. I can't live like that. Never knowing what the next thing you do will f*** up. My personal items? Thanks kids lives when social workers take them? All our lives when the landlord decides we are trash that can't pay the rent? Jail when the insurance doesn't get paid and I get pulled over? What next? What's it going to be next week? You tell me how not to focus on the f***ing negative"

I'm trying.  I am.  It's just, sometimes it becomes too much.  My SO is literally blaming me for anything and everything that goes wrong and anything that could potentially go wrong.  I actually feel bad about a lot of the stuff he says and I know I shouldn't.  Normally I wouldn't post such personal conversations, but I honestly don't even believe half of the stuff that comes out of his mouth either.

[Kelbel]

I don't think it's wrong for you to post such personal conversations. This is a safe and anonymous
space. You should not feel guilty for sharing what is happening. It will help others here understand what is going on and make comment that will help you and others.   

[isilme]

Frankee,

Yes, I get the same mantra, and messages are the worst as any attempt to converse usually is even more misconstrued and becomes even more volitile - "If you actually listened you'd never mess up, ever.  We have this fight over and over, you must like fighting with me.  You always do this, forget things, make mistakes because you don't care, etc.  I swear you like to mess up my life, if this happens again we are through, name calling, personal insults, sometimes aggressive physical behavior (no broccoli has been thrown lately, so there's an improvement)"  

But that is not realistic.  It is not rational.  And we have to work very hard to not let irrational expectations rule over us.

It is VERY hard to have someone you care about accusing you of making mistakes ON PURPOSE just to make them feel bad.  Here's a thing to try to remember.  At this point, your feelings do not register.  Just his.  Things are so out of balance right now that any empathy you'd expect, and understanding, any idea that a mole hill really is not a mountain - it's not there.  That is a well that cannot be reached AT THIS TIME.  

How do you respond to these accusations?  

Most of us on here initially (and still at times) JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain.  You can't make an irrational person see a rational argument.  You can't.  It just makes them angrier, and wastes your valuable time and energy, and keeps you in the line of fire for more hurtful comments.  We WANT to make our SOs just see our point of view, thinking "if only they could see I was thinking XYZ, not trying to hurt them, it will all be better".  That's not how BPD works.  That's not even going to work at a high conflict time in a relationship without BPD.  

Instead of replying, or trying to argue your point, stop.  You cannot argue with a wall of unregulated emotion.  Please, post it all on here.  I find typing it all out helps me vent, helps me see patterns, helps me see what I am doing that is or isn't helpful.  

I know with the storm last week, with it missing us, but we prepared as much as we could anyway, even though H did well leading up to the storm, he had a lot of pent up emotion after.  And he had to explode on Sunday at me.  It was nonesense, I did not react in the perfect, appropriate manner he wanted to something he asked and it all blew up.  He was asking about a project I thought he should not do.  It causes him stress, wastes his time, and he never is appreciated for it, so I told him to scale back if he decided to do it, so he'd not be as stressed or tired.  Lots of names, including lazy and selfish.  It hurts, but I get nothing from trying to argue back.  I went, got dressed, and said I am going to the store, and I left.  When I got back, he was subdued, able to talk, and we cleared things up  He still ramped up the volume time to time, but overall, even though it's never fun, it was not as bad as other events.  

How much do you think hurricane stress is a factor here?  When H gets pretty bad, I know there are other external factors (illness, work, trouble with friends or family) that make him more likely to lash out at me.  KNowing these things, spotting those patterns, helps it hurt less when he does go off.  I know it's really not about me, anything I have done, and that he is just venting his spleen because it's his coping mechanism.    

You are being used as an emotional sponge to soak up all his bad feelings, and to remove them.  He cannot handle them.  They spiral out of control, and he has never learned to self-soothe in a healthy way appropriate for an adult.  We are in a sense a "woobie".  A security blanket.  We are there to take all the word-vomit, and then not leave them - "I hate you don't leave me."  

[Frankee]

That is so him.  I am either the most horrible human being or the air he breathes... Lately it's been mostly the first part.  It feels like, all the people that ever hurt have been rolled up into a ball a squished into me.  It sucks.  He ruins my day.  When he has one of these explosions, I try to brush it off, but it's really hard too.  I feel irritable, cranky, short patient, not really caring about doing anything, tired.  I feel it.  The emotional sponge.  Word vomit.  I feel unproductive when I have so much to do. 

I really deep down know that it's external stressors causing his outbursts.  It's also when things don't go exactly as he has planned in his head.  The item he blew up about... .A simple solution would be for him to drive up to the ATM, take the money out, drive back home, drop the money off with his brother, and then go to work.  Take maybe 15 minutes right?  Nope... He cannot be inconvenienced by such an errand, because I was "assigned" to do it... Even though it was completely for him. *sighs

I feel like a broken record.  I appreciate all of the responses and suggestions.  It helps me understand why he acts this way, that I'm not alone... Still struggling with the putting everything into action part.  It seems only recently that I've come to grasp with really seeing that he does have a disorder.  Kind of concerning that I thought he might have BPD and when I was reading psychiatric reports of when he was younger and an actual psychiatrist wrote down the same diagnosis.  I'm definitely not a doctor, but that's how obvious his symptoms are once you get past the "public" face.

Maybe a few more years and I'll start to get the hang of handling situations better.