Realizing They Never Change...

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I am finally coming to terms with the fact that my BPD sister with NPD will never be the sister I have always longed her to be.  She abused me terribly as kids, apologized and spent her adult life triangulating me with mom, brother, other family etc. until I learned whom she was inside, an evil, pathological lying ill person that she tried to hide from me for as long as she could.  Even so we have been on again, off again and last year, after our elderly father fell ill, I thought we could finally have some sort of relationship.  You see, we talk about our differences, personalities and came up with solutions when we were feeling stressed in our relationship.  We agreed to not cut each other off, to say we need a break, or just take a break.  One thing my sister has always done is send me a barrage of texts and emails, very long, stating why she can't talk to me and everything I do wrong.  They always end the same way, ":)on't respond.  I won't read anything you write, You're blocked."  Well you get the idea.  So a few months back were having tension.  In one month I had all my kids birthdays, one kid came home from college and broke his hand and needed surgery, another kid graduated with a Masters degree in another state, another kid had her wedding shower, I work full time, and our father was in a rehab facility near me recovering from a heart attack.  I saw dad almost every day.  He said sister was mad because I wasn't responding to texts.  She was being passive aggressive and I had a lot on my plate.  She refused to visit dad while he was in rehab and it that fell to me.  I finally sent her a text about all that I had going on and that it didn't help she refused to visit dad.  Well there it was, she cut me off even though we promised never to do this.  She is back to her smear campaigns but actually now I don't care.  My kids are great, had a lovely wedding!  Other kid got cast off and is fine.  The kid is so smart and has an amazing Fellowship.  I have decided to eradicate toxic relationships from my life.  I am with a wonderful guy whom treats me like gold and has it all!  I have a house and great friends and am close to brother, dad, cousins!  I have many friends I have since childhood.  Unfortunately sister won't be a part of my life but I tried.  It is exhausting being with a disordered person.  I tried.  She can be sweet and loving and supportive but meaner than anything I ever knew if she is crossed.  I am not that way and never was.  So I will go on with my life and it is really her loss!  I have a great life and it keeps getting better!  So I guess I realized we can change but they never change... .

[Pina colada]

I am finally coming to terms with the fact that my BPD sister with NPD will never be the sister I have always longed her to be.  She abused me terribly as kids, apologized and spent her adult life triangulating me with mom, brother, other family etc. until I learned whom she was inside, an evil, pathological lying ill person that she tried to hide from me for as long as she could.  Even so we have been on again, off again and last year, after our elderly father fell ill, I thought we could finally have some sort of relationship.  You see, we talk about our differences, personalities and came up with solutions when we were feeling stressed in our relationship.  We agreed to not cut each other off, to say we need a break, or just take a break.  One thing my sister has always done is send me a barrage of texts and emails, very long, stating why she can't talk to me and everything I do wrong.  They always end the same way, ":)on't respond.  I won't read anything you write, You're blocked."  Well you get the idea.  So a few months back were having tension.  In one month I had all my kids birthdays, one kid came home from college and broke his hand and needed surgery, another kid graduated with a Masters degree in another state, another kid had her wedding shower, I work full time, and our father was in a rehab facility near me recovering from a heart attack.  I saw dad almost every day.  He said sister was mad because I wasn't responding to texts.  She was being passive aggressive and I had a lot on my plate.  She refused to visit dad while he was in rehab and it that fell to me.  I finally sent her a text about all that I had going on and that it didn't help she refused to visit dad.  Well there it was, she cut me off even though we promised never to do this.  She is back to her smear campaigns but actually now I don't care.  My kids are great, had a lovely wedding!  Other kid got cast off and is fine.  The kid is so smart and has an amazing Fellowship.  I have decided to eradicate toxic relationships from my life.  I am with a wonderful guy whom treats me like gold and has it all!  I have a house and great friends and am close to brother, dad, cousins!  I have many friends I have since childhood.  Unfortunately sister won't be a part of my life but I tried.  It is exhausting being with a disordered person.  I tried.  She can be sweet and loving and supportive but meaner than anything I ever knew if she is crossed.  I am not that way and never was.  So I will go on with my life and it is really her loss!  I have a great life and it keeps getting better!  So I guess I realized we can change but they never change... .

[Lilacs]

Wow Piña Colada
I totally hear you. My BPDsis cut me off in 2012. I checked in on her bc I hadn't heard from her in 5 weeks and though things were bad before they were resolving w us. She had gotten divorced and had a new BF who I met. Anyway 5 weeks after I haven't heard from her she blasts me out of no where and says that a relationship w me is dramatic and abusive and cyclical and she is through. Out of the blue. I figured she was going through stuff but whatever. I have stuff going on in my life too. And she always would say "your life is easier than mine." Or "it's easier for you bc your kids are 3.5 years apart and mine are 2.5 years apart."  Whatever. Completely oblivious to anything I was going through. Before she had kids she miscarried and then complained to parents that I wasn't there for her (she lived in Spain) when she ended me. So they got mad at me.

On and on. I kept apologizing for everything she accused me of. Then in 2012 she breaks things off w me. But wants to stay in touch w my hubby and kids bc they are HER family. And parents sided w her. Unbelievable. Anyway. After 3 years she finally accepts my invitation to come to a graduation. And a year later she says she is ready to talk. Then a year after that when we both finally have time to meet, she cancels on me.  Then when I ask her what happened back then? She goes into an attack about how I hurt her so much and how I didn't know the poser of my words (does she know the poser of her words or actions, or how she hurt us all by involving our parents?). Anyway she said she hoped things were clearer. I asked her why she broke it off in the first place and she said I was the one who broke it off. It makes no sense.

So I sent her a text saying things were wrong on all sides.  We all need our pace to heal. I go into the past to heal not to hurt. I said "a highly complicated and variable series of events have been greatly oversimplified" and that someday my story would be informative. (I kept opinion and emotion out of it). She responded "Please do not ext me any more.  Please do not text, email or mail me anything either."  

Well, this is why the past 2 years I have been v cautious. Bc I knew she could pull the rug out from under me again. I tried not to get emotionally involved w any of her kids or step kids. Just kept it formal and unemotional. For 3 years I asked myself daily what I could have done to her in that moment. For 3 years I was only partially there for my family. This time, I know I didn't do anything wrong. I made a neutral, unemotional statement. She can show it to our parents this time and I don't think they would get upset at me this time. It wasn't mean spirited.  I too have a hubby and 2 grown up children that are doing very well. They are the family that need my undivided love and attention. They need me. She doesn't need me and I definitely don't need the person she has become.

Long story longer... .
Sorry you are going thru this. So am I.
Good to know we are not alone.
Good to know it doesn't hurt as much this time.
I think they are the ones w mental pain we will not be able to understand but as long as I am the enemy, I can't help her either.

Peace.
Lilacs.

[Pina colada]

Thank you Lilacs(a beautiful flower) for your kind and understanding words.  You are going through a lot with your sister too... .At some point you just realize they never change.  My sister is still the mean, abusive teenager that teased and taunted and stole my things as a child.  Now that we are adults, she taunts me on another website using lies and smear campaigns, name calls me there(teases) and is trying to steal my self respect which she will never get.  I do miss the kinder times but we made a promise to talk things out no matter and had a plan in place.  She changed the rules and went back to her disordered thinking.  Sometimes I think she thinks that she is the only one allowed to feel stressed, hurt, anxious etc.  She got mad if I was short with her when things were piling up on me and mad when I went gray rock and took a break which is what we agreed to do.  Ultimately it is her loss.  I know whom I am and I will be fine with or without her.  She is just so hard to get along with.  It is hard to have sibling or family member with a personality disorder... .

[Lilacs]

Piña colada
I have to keep reminding myself that BPD's are not at all capable of empathy. I'm trying to understand what happens when you say "I have feelings too... .you are not the only one hurting?"  They just cannot understand it. They see things thru their own pain and no one else. Sometimes I worry that I am the one w the BPD but then I realize I can see multiple sides to the same story. I can empathize w others perspectives. She cannot. Not because she doesn't want to but that she is completely incapable.  It is a disordered way of thinking. And the more I remind myself that the more I can say this is not my fault no matter how much she wants to blame me for it.
Peace
Lilacs

[Pina colada]

Lilacs, that is so true... .Your words below, I am not good at the copy/paste thing... .

I have to keep reminding myself that BPD's are not at all capable of empathy. I'm trying to understand what happens when you say "I have feelings too... .you are not the only one hurting?"  They just cannot understand it. They see things thru their own pain and no one else.

My sister does seem to be able to sympathize with others.  She will help others too as long as they do it her way.  Their love and support, at least with my sister always have conditions.  As soon as I stand up to her, call her out on her craziness or insensitivity she goes completely in defense mode, "I can not watch my words, it is too hard.  If I have to think before we talk I can't talk to you."  This is not a quote verbatim but you can see what she expects.  She wants to be able to say anything to me that she wants without a filter.  I can't call her out on the insensitive things because she says she just can't think about what she says.  This must be why only two family members speak to her and she has very few real, intimate friends.  Don't we always need to be conscious of our words?  We try not to jump to conclusions and be insensitive when we can.  I know I try consciously.  We also play by rules when we discuss in depth how to handle relationships which sis and I did.  Of course she cut me off with out letting me say anything to her.  I will remind myself she is sick... .yes that does help.

[Lilacs]

Piña Colada
Agrees. That is true. As long as you agree w her she can see things through your eyes. My BPDsis was so loving and caring and empathic. I think things went v downhill when she impulsively married at 27 years of age. It hurt me a lot and it bothered her that it hurt me. She couldn't see my side of it. (I had helped her through 4 DV relationships at that point and I felt I deserved better than tha, and I worried about her). So it started to crumble and then after her wedding (she wanted the whole big wedding so she planned one and never told our parents she had eloped). Well that is when it crashed. Bc I didn't pack her curling iron or whatever (npd characteristics) and she blasted me for it. When I told her I could buy one and bring it to her she screamed it wasn't the curling iron but that I could have forgotten to pack up so much more. So there we go. She yells at me. And then when I defended myself. That is where I fell off the pedestal.

Now I feel I am really free from her. They cannot see thngs from others perspectives. Even back then when I wanted to clarify things she would avoid it. Such is the life of a sibling of a BPD.