She wants us both to attend individual counseling

[capn zed]

 I am so weak. I am no match for her. I have fallen.
 I got a message from her a couple days ago. Like an idiot I ran right to her. What is wrong with me? How can my head be so clear one minute, so resolute and strong, and the next cave like a house of cards?
 She wants us both to attend individual counseling, separately. Then, when our counselors think we are ready, she wants to attend marriage counseling. I think this is a great idea. I am skeptical of the source though, of her intentions.
 Why am I doing this to myself? Is it possible that this is real and there may actually be a light at the end of this tunnel? Am I just so weak and ignorant that she has some power over me?
 I love her. I really do. I love our children. I love our family. Is it enough though? What makes me so weak towards her? Why can I not say no? I dont struggle with it. I just dont even think to say the word. She devastated our family not 3 weeks ago, again and yet here I am, running straight into her arms with no though of consequence or history.
 I am starting to think I am the one who needs professional help.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

Those are very good questions capn zed.

My questions to you though are:

Did you want to say no when she asked you to go counseling?
Do you want to save your relationship?

[pearlsw]

Love does not conquer all, but it can help. Since you do love her see if that can help you in some way face this difficult choice to keep moving forward in the face of seeming hopelessness. Sometimes our victories and joys in life are small with this onslaught of massive communication troubles/drama/break downs... .

I get upset with myself at times for "letting someone treat me this way." I try to set boundaries, but none of the standard rules apply, and then what? What am I left with?

If you can afford therapy it sounds like a good chance for you to get a handle on the complexities of this for yourself and then come together later. It could help you to see improvements and make this all more bearable.

Don't beat yourself up too much about loving a difficult person. It is what it is, focus on what you can do to make it better if possible, or just to give yourself a little peace with it.

[pearlsw]

I hope I don't come off as too pat in my past reply. You are in a lot of pain over this love/relationship and have so many responsibilities on your shoulders. Sounds like you might need time to sort out what love means to you and how it is affecting you. Wanting to be with someone you love does not make you "weak", it is natural to want that. The tricky part is sorting out how to maintain something as close to a healthy relationship for as much of the time we can while riding the roller coaster. Best wishes! We are here!

[capn zed]

 I made an appointment to see a professional. Now I just have to hold on until I can get there. Its a couple weeks out. It is certainly a roller coaster for sure. My eyes hurt from all the tears, my heart feels like its been run over by a truck, my body is completely drained. I even thought about getting drunk yesterday but I chose not to because I dont want this to get any worse. Its bad enough already.

[pearlsw]

Sounds like a good plan, and best to avoid the drinking, it will just sap your energy. I find that watching comedy videos on YouTube helps me a lot. It makes me smile and laugh which I would often otherwise not do in my daily life without that extra input.

Perhaps making a little time to study here everyday day can help prepare you for that first therapy session too. Help you clear up your thinking about where you are at emotionally and what you want. I know we often don't get our emotional needs met in these kinds of relationships, and these storms make us question the value of anything we do at all.

What makes you feel so weak? Do you feel like you are just being walked all over and you hold things in to keep the peace? What are you not saying no to that you need to say no to? Focusing on you at this time seems most sound because it is where you can see the most progress/change and like they say, "if you can't change your circumstances, change your attitude." I have to do this myself. With a better set of cards I might leave, but since that is not a realistic option now I have to make the best of things. Maybe I will learn better communication skills of my own for the time being.

[Alporz]

I;d suggest reading "Facing Codependance" before going to counseling, it has helped me clear my mind when communicating to my (possibly) BPD wife.  It also allows me to stand more firm on my beliefs and not get trounced.  I feel your pain otherwise, wish you the best.

[capn zed]

 I feel weak because I know that this will all happen again. I feel weak because I know shes sick and I cant help her. I feel weak because I cant stop running back to her. I believe in the vows of marriage. In sickness and in health. I feel weak because I dont think I can keep those vows anymore. And yet, I keep going back. Over and over. She can beat the crap out of me and Ill still go back, she could cheat on me, and Ill keep going back. she can call me every name in the book and I keep going back. Thats why I feel weak. Thats why I feel powerless.
 I know I need help, that this isn't normal. I know it in my mind but I keep going back, I keep begging her to come home over and over and over.

[pearlsw]

Maybe another way to look at it is: 1) Knowing it will happen again means you recognize the patterns, 2) Knowing she has an illness is good to know and it could empower you actually. It helps to depersonalize what it is happening and with a healthy mind frame it is okay to make a choice to support a partner you have made a commitment to be with, 3) Violence is not okay and has to be addressed, you don't have to accept that and there are strategies that might help, 4) It is your choice to stay or not after infidelity, and both choices may have healthy reasons to do so, 5) You are not powerless. You are making choices here but within a larger frame of a decision to stay in this.

The focus now has to be on you, and you'll be there in a couple more weeks, getting that extra insight and support only a therapist can provide. But for now, don't beat yourself up to hard, we all make mistakes in relationships and there are no guarantees, okay? You are not weak, you are human, and perfect, already, right now.

If we hold onto the pain of expectation... ."I expected a better relationship, a better life, etc." we are just setting ourselves up for more pain. If you don't attach to those ideas, let them go, they can take the pain away with them, even if just for short amounts of time, and that's something!

I am not in an ideal situation, but I don't want to be mentally defeated and broken and I don't want that for you either. Some days I am very low, but when I can I try to keep rising up, and I want you to rise up with me now. I'm here. Share this moment of human kindness with me, okay? Smile.

I grab onto every scrap of every thing I can get my hands on, a quote here, a pretty picture there, the wild flowers on the road along the train track, any small thing to add brightness and joy to my life. It is so small, but all I have some days, but I let my mind make it big!

Now is a good time to read, study, and find your little joys. The voices of self doubt are just clouds, watch them drift by now, let them go... . And when they come again, just watch, and let them go again. They are just clouds in the sky.

[capn zed]

Thank you for that. I dont know what else to say right now except that.

[Pedro]

Hi capn see.

I completely understand & feel your pain. I am still on a waiting list for taxpayers funded therapy in my oval area as I cannot afford privately. I am 3.5 months since my ex gf BPD ended our 6 year relationship.
Please work on yourself because otherwise if not already you will be swallowed up by this dreadful illness and become more unwell. Keep positive take time out for you. Human nature tells us all here to want to reach out to stop our partners hurting, but it doesn't work that way unfortunately.
Keep sane.
Pedro

[Meili]

I can relate to feeling weak and powerless. I spent a great deal of time in that mindset when I was with my x. From what I see, there is actually a great deal of strength in you though; even if you aren't feeling it. The only difference is that I'm looking at your words from a different perspective.

As pearlsw said in her points 1 and 2, if you look at it from that perspective, what you are calling weaknesses are actually powerful tools that you can use to effectuate change. Because you know the cycles, you can work on Ending Conflict. By stopping the situation before it escalates, you'll be able to breath and focus better on how to handle the situation.