Should i stay or should i go

[Rose21]

I have been separated with my possible BPD husband for 1 year now and have been in a healthy and stable relationship with another man a few months after the separation. This new relationship is what i craved for with my husband a normal relationship he is kind patient and an all around good guy but still i feel something for my husband we have an almost 4 year old daughter, she was the reason as to why i had to leave the relationship my husband was very emotionally abusive so much so that i became depressed and forgot who i was all to please him and maintain him happy i always put his needs before mine, i loved him so much that i didnt care about my pain i now have recently been going to counseling for my depression where i found out that my husband could have BPD started reading books and found everything fit him to the T. I feel as though i could understand him better now and could maybe help him seek help and maybe he could get better or we could learn how to support one another better it gave me this sense of hope that maybe if we were to try again it could work out i just want to be a family again more than anything but i am just so terrified of the outcome what if he is not willing to go see a therapist or get help or simply blame me for the issues i have no clue what to do and i feel like no one understands what i am going through i feel so alone and lost i really hope this group could help me with some answers because i am just so desperate for help.

[Minspain]

I had and still have the same love for a recent ex BPD. I am still very much in this and willing to make things work, but... a word of advice... about 18 months ago I spoke to my then on/off partner about aspects of BPD, she broke down and sobbed and said please help me 'I am in your hands', so we contacted a therapist. She visited weekly for 6 months, the therapist wanted to see me and it was clear from our conversation that she saw me as stable, and that the key focus was on helping my partner. The result of the therapy was zero in terms of improving the BPD or saving our relationship, to some extent it made things even worse because my BPD's attitude towarsd me became ' I am working hard in therapy so you should too' (we had even done tests that showeed me as stable and her as very unstable), the therapist made it clear to me that she had no reason to see me again after the first meeting unless I wanted to talk further. I did actually see her again, just in an effort to try and do my all to help my partner. There was a big issue in our relationship that my BPD would not accept my new son (with an ex - to this day she has never met my son). I made this very clear to the therapist as it was obviously a big trigger, almost a phobia. I think the therapist was pretty good, but I also think as a normal good therapist, she had little means of solving the mental torment of a BPD. It is well worth seeking therapy to help in a BPD relationship, that way if nothing else you have done your best, and there are of course cases where things improve, but I was amazed at how therapy changed nothing and gave my BPD another point to criticise me on. We had a similar thing when I offered to pay for some non urgent but important dental work for her, once I did that it was my problem, almost my fault. The more I got involved the more I wasn't doing enough to help. I was working one day and unable to see her after some dental work, she cried and screemed at me that I was never there when she needed me, yet I found the dentist, went with her to the first appointment, paid for the treatment and was working because life is expensive and there would be more dental costs to pay. It's all very sad, but keep smiling everyone!   

[BeagleGirl]

Rose,
I'm so sorry you are going through this. 

As Minspain said, therapy is a way for you to feel like you did everything you could, but I wouldn't count on it being much more than that.  Therapy only effects change in those who want to change and are willing to do what is necessary to effect change even when it hurts.  That's a tall order for a BPD. 

My BPDh is in DBT therapy.  To the best of my knowledge, he is only doing it because he thinks that if he "checks the box" of having completed DBT I will come back to the marriage (we've been separated for 6 months).  If that is, indeed, his perspective on DBT, he will not experience the change that is necessary for me to feel I can trust him enough to return to the marriage.

I also have experienced what Minspain describes with BPDh taking the attitude of "I'm doing therapy.  Why aren't you working on YOUR stuff?"  He has literally said "I'm working harder than you".  I happen to be meeting with a therapist 2x/month and have regular contact with trusted friends who will point out "my stuff" and encourage me to work through it, but there's no point in arguing that I'm "working on my stuff", much less getting into a debate about who is working harder. 

I just came across this article in the BPD archives last night -
 https://web.archive.org/web/20161021014801/https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a118.htm
It was written by a recovered BPD and talks about how to know if your BPD is serious about therapy and the dos and don'ts for helping them through therapy.  It might be a good place to start if you want to consider therapy.

Also - if you do have your pwBPD start therapy, make sure the therapist has experience with BPD.  There are therapists who will drop a patient if they are diagnosed BPD.  For continuity of care and effectiveness of therapy, you need a therapist who knows what they are getting into.

BG

[Rose21]

Thank you for the responses, yes throughout our relationship he would blame me for not scheduling him an appointment to see a doctor or therapist, and that he was not even going to consider it because i took too long, i no longer feel obligated to set things up for him since the separation i feel as though i babied him the whole relationship that it gave him more of a reason to say things were my fault. Since being out of the relationship he had to learn how to be on his own and i get hopeful sometimes that he is now more aware of his emotions and the pain he has caused to the people that would give their own lives for him atleast that what he tells me i just dont know if i should believe it he has yet to see anyone for help.