My Son

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have a son that has B.P. he is just 12 years old.
He can have tantrums if he does not get his way.
I do my best to curve his behavior and try to get
him away from video games after hours of playing.
His father does not mind that he does this, even though it
takes up the family television.

When he is told do something he does not want
to do he gets violent and has even hit me on occasions.
I am at a loss on what to do. I am however trying
animal therapy for him and he has a kitten.
I have never seen such a thing as this child taking
great care of his kitten. He named his cat Grace.
Grace and "J" have a unique relationship and even sleep on
the couch together. I have seen some improvement
However he is still argumentative and hits his hands a lot.
At times "J" will hit himself. I am worried about his behavior
and his emotions. Any ideas?

[Sissy1]

I have a son that has B.P. he is just 12 years old.
He can have tantrums if he does not get his way.
I do my best to curve his behavior and try to get
him away from video games after hours of playing.
His father does not mind that he does this, even though it
takes up the family television.

When he is told do something he does not want
to do he gets violent and has even hit me on occasions.
I am at a loss on what to do. I am however trying
animal therapy for him and he has a kitten.
I have never seen such a thing as this child taking
great care of his kitten. He named his cat Grace.
Grace and "J" have a unique relationship and even sleep on
the couch together. I have seen some improvement
However he is still argumentative and hits his hands a lot.
At times "J" will hit himself. I am worried about his behavior
and his emotions. Any ideas?

[Turkish]

Hi Sissy1,

Other than the hitting, how is your son BPD, was he diagnosed,  or has otherwise been in therapy? Does his dad have traits of BPD as well?

The permissiveness at the other home isn't something you can control,  and it's hard not to have support. How do you respond on your side which results in your son hitting you?

My son is only 7, but I've taken to hiding the PS3 controllers so he can't get up early on the morning and find them. He found them on top of the fridge.  I now hide them in my room.  It's his passport to Netflix and YouTube (he watches Youtuber gamer walk-throughs of silly games).  He hasn't yet figured out that it's a gaming console... .

[takingandsending]

Hi Sissy1.

I have a son age 11 (almost 12) that also is displaying some BPD traits, but I don't know that he is/will be BPD. What his therapist says is that he is sensitive, good hearted, but emotionally very underdeveloped. He responds as a 6 year old when regulated and as a 2-3 year old when dysregulated. It's alarming, for sure.

One thing you can do for your son is to provide a lot, I mean A LOT, of validation of his feelings. He plays video games. He doesn't want to stop. He gets angry when you tell him to stop. What would be a validating statement here so that he learns to identify his feelings and also feels seen?

Another thing that he needs, as you already have figured out, is boundaries. But for boundaries to work well, they have to be clear and consistent. And the easiest way to have clear consistent boundaries is, whenever possible, to make them about your values or core beliefs. The further our boundaries stray from our values/beliefs, the weaker they become, the more likely that they will not be consistent and will only confuse your son (sometimes she means what she says, other times she doesn't). I fall into this mistake often. My son knows it, too. He pushes on the boundaries, knows the soft approach works with me. It's hard because I haven't done all of the work in identifying what boundaries are close to my values and why they need to be in place and protected. Of course with kids, some boundaries are in place just to make certain they don't harm themselves, and those type of boundaries are straightforward and require less thinking, "No, you can't play with matches."

What sort of value do you find in the boundary around the video game playing? If you can clearly identify it, it will make it easier to be consistent and clearly communicated, which will help your son.

[livednlearned]

Hi Sissy1,

I wanted to join Turkish and talkingandsending in welcoming you to the boards  

Has your son been diagnosed with BPD? Or bipolar? Either way (and even if he is not diagnosed), there are things we can do as parents to prevent things from getting worse.

I found Blaise Aguirre's book BPD in Adolescence to be helpful (he always has some material on youtube you can search for). And the book Highly Sensitive Child was also useful.

The physical abuse is worrisome. How do you and his dad respond when he is violent? Are you and his dad living together?

We are here to walk with you and offer support. These can be challenging relationships and it helps to know you're not alone.

LnL