BPD Wife of 4.5 years leaving me for another Man

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello all,

New here , I have been in a relationship with my wife for 6 years, 4.5 Married. She has undiagnosed BPD, I assure you I am 100 percent sure from all the red flags and abuse I've put up with that she has BPD. I once got her to go to a therapist for it, because I could no longer continue to be with her if she would not get help, She quit after 2 sessions and told me I was crazy.
Throughout our marriage, I was the love of her life one minute and then the biggest looser on earth the next to her. I could never do enough to please her and I soon discovered that I was walking on eggshells around her, waiting for the next argument, which usually was over something small, but she would treat these arguments like the end of the world. I fought hard against her to keep my sanity and dignity but often felt completely drained. Many times I told her I was too drained to fight anymore and I could not do it anymore, she would then cry and beg me to take her back, giving me promises that she would change. I always took her back, I for some reason saw her as a wounded animal with a good side buried within her. I always thought I could protect and help her and was always searching for the girl I first met who reflected me and loved me.
I can go into more detail about all the craziness , emotional and physical abuse another time, i'm just in a weird place right now and not sure when things will feel better. I caught my BPD wife emotionally reach out to another man online from work and I called her on it and she announced that she wanted a divorce and is now seeing this man as we go through our separation, he just got out of a divorce. I probably should of got out of this relationship a long time ago , but she would never let me go and always begged and pleaded and said I was stuck with her. I know that her leaving me is probably the easiest way to get out of this unhealthy relationship but I still feel empty, numb and unsure of my future. A few weeks ago we went camping together, discussed future plans and were looking forward to our IVF appointment this September, which we have been waiting for for almost a year. My wife has fertility issues and we had a miscarriage a year ago.  I have supported her throughout all the fertility problems and have done testing myself for her. My wife went from saying she loved me more than anything to now doing a 180 like a switch - she now hates me, blames me for everything wrong with the relationship and wants nothing to do with me. I have read enough and have enough experience to know that she is deflecting blame and guilt and making it easier to move on the greener grass. I get all this, but it still hits me to know someone I gave so much to, now feels this way about me. I feel robbed of 6 year and I am worried that I may never have a family now and kids. Any word of wisdom or kindness would be much appreciated at this dark time in my life.

[holden76]

Hello all,

New here , I have been in a relationship with my wife for 6 years, 4.5 Married. She has undiagnosed BPD, I assure you I am 100 percent sure from all the red flags and abuse I've put up with that she has BPD. I once got her to go to a therapist for it, because I could no longer continue to be with her if she would not get help, She quit after 2 sessions and told me I was crazy.
Throughout our marriage, I was the love of her life one minute and then the biggest looser on earth the next to her. I could never do enough to please her and I soon discovered that I was walking on eggshells around her, waiting for the next argument, which usually was over something small, but she would treat these arguments like the end of the world. I fought hard against her to keep my sanity and dignity but often felt completely drained. Many times I told her I was too drained to fight anymore and I could not do it anymore, she would then cry and beg me to take her back, giving me promises that she would change. I always took her back, I for some reason saw her as a wounded animal with a good side buried within her. I always thought I could protect and help her and was always searching for the girl I first met who reflected me and loved me.
I can go into more detail about all the craziness , emotional and physical abuse another time, i'm just in a weird place right now and not sure when things will feel better. I caught my BPD wife emotionally reach out to another man online from work and I called her on it and she announced that she wanted a divorce and is now seeing this man as we go through our separation, he just got out of a divorce. I probably should of got out of this relationship a long time ago , but she would never let me go and always begged and pleaded and said I was stuck with her. I know that her leaving me is probably the easiest way to get out of this unhealthy relationship but I still feel empty, numb and unsure of my future. A few weeks ago we went camping together, discussed future plans and were looking forward to our IVF appointment this September, which we have been waiting for for almost a year. My wife has fertility issues and we had a miscarriage a year ago.  I have supported her throughout all the fertility problems and have done testing myself for her. My wife went from saying she loved me more than anything to now doing a 180 like a switch - she now hates me, blames me for everything wrong with the relationship and wants nothing to do with me. I have read enough and have enough experience to know that she is deflecting blame and guilt and making it easier to move on the greener grass. I get all this, but it still hits me to know someone I gave so much to, now feels this way about me. I feel robbed of 6 year and I am worried that I may never have a family now and kids. Any word of wisdom or kindness would be much appreciated at this dark time in my life.

[losthunter]

Hi Holden,
I am somewhat in the same situation as you are,  the only difference is that i was the one that finally mustered the courage (maybe just had enough) and divorced her.  Our life followed the exact same pattern just mine is a heavy alcoholic so it went in same vicious circle just add drunk rages to it. What finally tipped the scales for me was that she promised not to  drink during one of my work events, and ofcourse ... .she did and i almost lost my job because of her behavior during the work party. Then she just locked herself in our bedroom for 5 days and came out like nothing happened... .i served her with paperwork the week later. But then... .she stopped drinking and asked me not to move out until she can get a job and support herself all while telling her family that i am essentially the one that is a freeloader saving all my money while she was working paying the bills. The funny part is everyone knew i was the one working, but no one really cared in that family for facts... .
Her condition made me feel so small, like i could never please her and that created a sort of Stockholm syndrome in me, when i just get scared even thinking about leaving her, not because i couldnt make it on my own, but i was too scared she wouldnt... .
I went to therapy, got on mild anti depressants just to make it through the nights ( couldnt sleep for the life of me)  but the more time passed, the more i understood how much i was missing while i was  "chained" to her... .how much of my life  i wasted trying to make her happy... .make a person that refuses to be happy... .
the biggest thing i can advice ( which helped ALOT) is:

1. DO NOT SPEND ANY TIME HOME, FORCE YOURSELF TO GO OUT WITH AS MANY FRIENDS AS YOU CAN!
2. DO not hold anything inside! talk... .talk to your friends ... to your therapist ( yes get one!  they help alot!)
3. sign up for as many meetup.com gatherings in your area and hike... .meet singles... .get multiple hobbies (even if you hate them )

for the next 6 months your main purpose in life should be building a routine where you are constantly busy with other people or things to do... .
rearange your garage... .visit your family... .and ALWAYS keep thinking and planning that soon  you will meet that girl that  will be 100% for you and you will have kids... .
and the past 6.5 years were a test, it made you better, more understanding and wiser.

what i also find very relaxing is a couple of hours before sleep watching "guided imagery" on youtube and read real books ... .not kindle or etc ... .real book that can tire you out.


hope that helps... .

[holden76]

Lost Hunter,

Thank you so much for your reply , it means so much to me right now.
Yes I too dealt with the alcohol problem with her, she would cross a line and offend me and my friends, she would go to a dark place and say things that I really didn't think I could ever get past. Unforgivable mean things thrown at me, I always deflected them and forgave her, as I presumed because she was in pain she was just trying to hurt me back. The relationship seemed like a cycle of infinity always the same over and over: dark fights, never being good enough, horrible name calling and acts to try to break down my esteem, followed by begging for forgiveness and promising to change and saying she felt horrible and embarrassed by what was said. It was incredibly draining and every time I had enough and was ready to walk, she always made me feel guilty enough of abandoning her that I would always take back the wounded bird, hoping that I could finally fix her. I had no support in the relationship yet I was expected to be her rock to lean on. Outside of my fulltime video job, I finally got my art studio up again after years with no support from her and last month I sold a painting for $2300 which showed I could make more for us , for some reason she didn't like this, she didn't want me to succeed? Because she couldn't control me if I did? A few times in awful fights she threw at me, that she made more and I was using her for her money, of course I challenged this BS, but I believe now her making more made her feel in more control and these people are all about controlling us.

[losthunter]

All those are a typical BPS/NPD behavior... .mine walked out of therapy after a single session screaming " no one will tell me what to do with my life"
When mine was in "pain" ( and trust me when she wasnt she'd find something to be in pain about) she had to be the center of the word (then again she always was) and anything that would pull the audience's attention from her pain would be met with fury like no other. She rarely if ever cared about my own issues and when she cared it was mostly when she felt good and had to show me that she cares  "to earn the credits".  She made me break or distance myself from all of my friends because just like yours ... the life had to revolve around her... .she is the center of the universe and everything outside of it needs to be destroyed for ruining her pleasure. When you'd call her on it she would deny anything saying that i was the one that dont want to hang out with anyone and keep myself constantly isolated... .
You see... .it is not you... . there are many many people like you and me out there, and the sooner we "awake" from that nightmare of ours the sooner we can start a productive life  with someone that really appreciates us. I am 38 and i still am 100% sure that i will find that one girl to have children with... . remember you've spent years trying to bring your own worth down,  you lived years under a constant pressure where she'd make you feel like ___ ... .worth than ___ and then refuse to admit it, so in your head there is currently a chaos where you lost all self worth and your only goal in life " making her happy" is no longer valid... .
What you need to realize is... .just like with anyone that been to jail for long time... .you have a world of possibilities, and yes they are scary AF but keep in mind  youve embraced them years ago before you met her, nothing changed other than you've became wiser and way more prepared now... .

[Harley Quinn]

Hi holden76 and losthunter and Welcome to both of you! 

How fantastic it is that you both found one another and this site.  It is the ideal place to come and share about your experiences and benefit from others who are in similar situations, as well as those who have walked the path before us.  You will also find really helpful articles, lessons and tools here so I'd encourage you to take a look around.  I'd particularly like to highlight an article which helped me to put things into perspective and understand what had happened in my r/s when I first arrived.  It is about how a BPD r/s evolves.  You'll find it here:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

This helped me immensely in the early stages as it allowed me to see how my ex processed things and explained some of the behaviours, allowing me to depersonalise it a little.  I hope you find it useful.

When you are ready, take a look at the lessons here  as they will aid you in your recovery.

I get all this, but it still hits me to know someone I gave so much to, now feels this way about me. I feel robbed of 6 year and I am worried that I may never have a family now and kids.

holden, I can totally relate to what you're saying here.  The feeling that we've invested so much of ourselves into another person who we saw a future with and then losing all of this is extremely hard to process and very painful.  It will take time, but you can get to a better place and feel stronger.  Others have.  LH gave you some good advice.  Do you have people whom you can talk to and/or are you seeing a therapist at present?

Regards having a family and children, what is important to remember right now is that whilst this is wonderful to aspire to, it's also probable that you saw this happening under better circumstances and these could well still present themselves in your life.  I once felt this way and am afraid to say that I had a child with my now ex partner (from before the pwBPD) who is now tied to me for life and whilst I'd not change the fact I had my son, still having to have involvement with this individual is less than ideal to say the least.  Children can still be possible for you I'm sure, although I understand that you're probably feeling more emotionally invested right now due to the difficulties that you have had with conceiving.  Does that sound right to you? 

As well as looking after yourself and distracting, do also allow yourself some time to come to terms with what you're feeling and the best way to do this is to accept the feelings that arise and know that it's OK to feel that way.  Too many of us don't want to feel sad about the loss of someone who treated us badly and attempt to push this feeling down, which will only make it last longer.  What we resist persists.  So although we don't want to ruminate too much, do give yourself permission to cry and this will help you to begin moving forwards one step at a time.  We will be here for you when you need somewhere to get those feelings out and be heard.

Keep reading and posting.  You're in good company.

Love and light x

[losthunter]

Harley Quinn Thank you for having us and thank you for the kind words

[Confusedpe]

Hi Holden,

Thank you for your post. It really woke me up. I am so close to recycling my BPD ex gf and your post really helped me out. Everything you wrote is the same as my experience (except she is not an alcoholic and never drinks). I am not married and we don't live together, however I have been on and off with her for 5.5 years in this cycle of insanity.

I have been "off" for almost 2 years now, however off meaning officially off but still seeing her on the regular.

You did nothing wrong, so don't sweat it. I understand completely where you are coming from about taking them back even when you know its crazy and they will most likely hurt you.

Your post has helped me realise that I need to stay strong, otherwise I could lose a lot

[holden76]

holden, I can totally relate to what you're saying here.  The feeling that we've invested so much of ourselves into another person who we saw a future with and then losing all of this is extremely hard to process and very painful.  It will take time, but you can get to a better place and feel stronger.  Others have.  LH gave you some good advice.  Do you have people whom you can talk to and/or are you seeing a therapist at present?

Hi Harley Quinn, thanks for you reply - I have family and friends to talk to , no therapist yet but I am looking into getting one. I have waves of emotions hitting me, wish I could just forget and move on, but just 3.5 weeks out from 6 years and I still have to maintain lose contact which sucks, the wound is still fresh.


Regards having a family and children, what is important to remember right now is that whilst this is wonderful to aspire to, it's also probable that you saw this happening under better circumstances and these could well still present themselves in your life.  I once felt this way and am afraid to say that I had a child with my now ex partner (from before the pwBPD) who is now tied to me for life and whilst I'd not change the fact I had my son, still having to have involvement with this individual is less than ideal to say the least.  Children can still be possible for you I'm sure, although I understand that you're probably feeling more emotionally invested right now due to the difficulties that you have had with conceiving.  Does that sound right to you? 

Yes, I was looking so forward to trying again for a kid,  a small part of me always hoped and felt that just maybe this thing she wanted the most with me at one time would change her when her maternal instincts kicked in. Perhaps it was just wishful thinking , but I feel sad that this has now been taken away from me.


Been having trouble sleeping last few nights and stayed at a friends last night, and as I'm about to fall asleep at  11:30pm I receive a BS text from her about missing my dentist appointment that day? I had stayed at a friends house because she was having a girlfriend over at out house last night for sushi and wine,not sure why she felt it necessary to text me at this time, but can only assume it was to check in or fook with me. Anyways I did not reply and went to bed.
Woke up this morning still sad that someone I forgave so many times and went through so much crap with has tossed me away for another victim. I know I wanted to escape many times, but she would always beg me to stay and I would fall for it. For some reason a small part of me still cares about her and still wants to protect this person who now has nothing but hate for me? I have no idea why these feelings still exist in me?

[holden76]

Hi Confusedpe,

If my words can help you in anyway, thats great to hear. Lost Hunter and Harley Quinns words helped me alot yesterday. If you have any questions, feel free to ask, I have 6 years experience living with someone with BPD and I have seen and heard alot over these years and been through alot of abuse. So much so that as I am tossed aside like a piece of trash for a replacement, I still long and wish it was not happening some mornings. I know in the long run it is for the better and what is meant to be shall be. But I still wish I could go back to going to bed at night beside my wife, giving her a kiss in the morning before heading out for work, texting her messages throughout the day and then going home to her at the end of the night. Getting used to being solo again is not easy

[Harley Quinn]

Hi holden,

What form does your low contact take?  Are you seeing her in person or contacting one another by phone/email and are you discussing the relationship or keeping it to essentials regards the divorce etc?  I went with low contact at first when I left my ex as a means to ease the transition, but there was a lot of push/pull still going on which was difficult emotionally.  I can entirely see why maintaining a level of contact so early on can make it difficult for you to take the time out for yourself to gain a clear head and begin to process what's gone on without having that impacted by her.  I'm sorry to hear that this is necessary, as a bit of time and space can really help.  Could you go through a third party possibly for a while to allow yourself a little time to lick your wounds and build strength?

Yes, I was looking so forward to trying again for a kid,  a small part of me always hoped and felt that just maybe this thing she wanted the most with me at one time would change her when her maternal instincts kicked in.

This is something that is quite common to believe in any dysfunctional r/s and happens a lot.  People can have kids as a last ditch attempt to salvage an otherwise failing r/s.  In reality, unless there is a strong foundation already there, it's unlikely that bringing a child into that situation is a healthy decision regards holding together a marriage.  I 'married' an ex partner for the same exact reason and unsurprisingly only the following day we were worse than ever!  (I put married in inverted commas as it was a ceremony which wasn't legally binding... .luckily for me).  When you say you hoped it might change her I'm afraid to say that the possibility of that is slim to none.  It takes commitment to long term therapy and potentially medication to make a recovery from BPD having control over a person's behaviours and life.  It's a long road, but not untravelled.  There is always hope for sufferers who wish to change.  That's the key thing here - a person must actually want to change before that can happen.

For some reason a small part of me still cares about her and still wants to protect this person who now has nothing but hate for me? I have no idea why these feelings still exist in me?

You have been married for 6 years.  I'd be surprised if you didn't feel this way and it's OK to miss and have feelings for someone who has wronged or mistreated us.  The things that you loved about your wife are still in your memory and you'll be remembering all of the good aspects to the r/s no doubt, as we all have.  It is really hard and a bit of a balancing act.  I liken it to a pendulum which swings both ways.  At some points we will focus only on the way that this person hurt us, and feel anger and betrayal.  Others we will magically forget all that went wrong and instead ruminate on the what if's, hanging onto hope of things being different to the reality our minds are really aware of as truth. 

When you say that you want to protect her, what specifically do you want to protect her from?  Is that a role you assumed within the r/s and one you've always adopted or just with your wife?  Pretty much everyone if not all of us on this board have assumed the caretaker role with our exes and many of us find we have codependent traits.  It could be worth reading more about codependency here to see if that resonates with you.  If you're interested I'll share the link for you.

Be kind to yourself right now.  Try to ensure you are taking good care of yourself and finding ways to bring positive experience into your life that you can acknowledge and appreciate.  Even if that is just having charge of the remote, or sprawling out in bed for 5 minutes longer, enjoying a good cuppa with your feet up, or chatting to a friend.  This takes time and being patient with yourself will help the grief to be processed healthily.  We can't rush this.  Meantime we'll be here to listen when that is what you need.  Remember, things can and do get better.   

Love and light x

 

[holden76]

Been almost a month now since she asked for a divorce after I caught her emotionally reaching out to someone at work. Currently I am still in limbo still living with her as I look into possibly buying her out for the house or we  decide we will have to sell. Spent 2 weeks at a friends house but I returned home last 2 nights to discuss finances and such with my BPD ex. September was supposed to be a good month for us as we were going to be trying for a kid again with IVF (ex has fertility problems and we had a miscarriage last year) I was nothing but supportive and wanted to have kids with her, though with all the abuse I don't know why I wanted this. We were on a waiting list for quite sometime, I feel robbed of this now.  She has now jumped to a new man, target, victim, what have you and this person I see now is a complete stranger to me, I do not know this person. In June and early July she still proclaimed she loved me more every day yada yada, like a switch its off.  You would think I cheated on her and left her with the way she acts towards me. She lies to me constantly about why we broke up and lies about events in our relationship and denies phone calls and conversations we had ever happened. I put up with a lot in the marriage because I cared about her, I felt drained and pushed to far many many times and left her - only to take her back, after she begged, cried and said she would change and seek help. I am so confused , I know i'm not the one to blame here - but she lies and lies to me so much about things in the relationship that you go a little crazy and begin to question if they are right. Them deflecting all the blame to you begins to wear on you and even though deep down you know its not truth you begin to crack and question if maybe I am a horribly husband, maybe I am to blame? It also hurts to see the person you gave to much too have so much hatred for ya. I am doing my best to stay positive as best I can and not get stuck in feeling like a victim - but it is starting to eat at me.