This soul searching is hard

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Since the breakup with my exBPD. I have spent so much time focusing on blame, I never really looked at my part in the failure of the relationship. With using some of the tools on this website i have come to some shocking conclusions about myself that Is hard to swallow. Anybody else experience this?

I'm not talking going back to childhood traumas but simply seeing your own part of it all.

I've personally discovered I've been manipulative and controlling in the relationship. I've used her fear of abandonment to establish boundaries and my need for independence in the relationship which makes me feel horrible. I gave her a feeling that if she caused too much drama or tried to get me to give up things i loved doing, I would have a foot out the door and just leave which I have done many times. We would talk it out and I would come back after a day or two. Although I was ready to call it quits it's still not something a normal person does in a relationship and in honesty never done in any of my other relationships. Perhaps I have been emotionally unavailable.

In truth it's probably part of my own defense mechanism of being emotionally on top, to cope being in a relationship with anybody really. Never to be able to give myself 100% of fear of being destroyed if left. I might have a diagnosis myself.

This is a hard journey to go through.

[JaxDK]

Since the breakup with my exBPD. I have spent so much time focusing on blame, I never really looked at my part in the failure of the relationship. With using some of the tools on this website i have come to some shocking conclusions about myself that Is hard to swallow. Anybody else experience this?

I'm not talking going back to childhood traumas but simply seeing your own part of it all.

I've personally discovered I've been manipulative and controlling in the relationship. I've used her fear of abandonment to establish boundaries and my need for independence in the relationship which makes me feel horrible. I gave her a feeling that if she caused too much drama or tried to get me to give up things i loved doing, I would have a foot out the door and just leave which I have done many times. We would talk it out and I would come back after a day or two. Although I was ready to call it quits it's still not something a normal person does in a relationship and in honesty never done in any of my other relationships. Perhaps I have been emotionally unavailable.

In truth it's probably part of my own defense mechanism of being emotionally on top, to cope being in a relationship with anybody really. Never to be able to give myself 100% of fear of being destroyed if left. I might have a diagnosis myself.

This is a hard journey to go through.

[once removed]

This is a hard journey to go through.

and it takes a lot of courage and fortitude to do it. well done.

i can certainly relate to having a foot out the door, and using that to manipulate my ex.

In truth it's probably part of my own defense mechanism of being emotionally on top, to cope being in a relationship with anybody really. Never to be able to give myself 100% of fear of being destroyed if left.

you are probably onto something here. a good starting point i asked myself was why i would remain in a relationship i felt i needed to constantly have a foot out of. when you really examine that question, it can yield all sorts of startling answers that have little or nothing to do with our exes.

just a bit of advice, it hasnt been very long Jax. the fact that youre exploring this at an early stage is a good sign of how far you will go in recovery. be gentle as you do, because it gets much easier to see this stuff, and to see it clearly, as the pain subsides. take it on eagerly as youre ready, but like lifting weights, dont give yourself too much of a load too soon. there is probably grieving that still needs doing.

[Learning_curve74]

Kudos to you JaxDK for your self insight. It's hard sometimes, and the fact that you're recognizing these things can be a good indicator of your recovery. 

As once removed said, take it easy on yourself when you do this type of introspective work. We all have certain habitual ways we react to interpersonal conflict, and these are shaped by both our genetics and our experiences. It is rare that people change the way they react in these types of stressful situations unless they become aware of their issues and try to figure out healthier and more effective ways that work for them. And regardless of that, we are all only ever half of the relationship.

Best to you. 

[Insom]

This is where forgiveness helps.  If you can forgive people in your life who have NPD and BPD traits then it's possible to also extend that forgiveness to yourself.  I'm not saying disordered people don't do terrible things - my BPD-ex was abusive - but if you can see disordered behavior as an adaptation to an abusive system, or perhaps genetically transmitted, or otherwise learned from the family of origin, it makes the whole thing less personal, less intentionally cruel and wicked-seeming. 

Congrats to you on noticing your own disordered traits.  I have some, too.  Instead of beating yourself up, just continue to notice and make it your goal to find a better way to interact with people moving forward.  We are all here to learn, right? 

[JaxDK]

Thanks for your support all, it means a lot and it helps more than you know.

I still have a ways to go, as once removed made a point of. I still have to see her twice a week albeit only for a few minutes, which makes the process slower. I am getting better though. I no longer pace, and am able to enjoy a few things. I no longer have a need to talk about the relationship to friends and family. I still ruminate a lot but not constantly every minute of the day. Weird part is I can actually time it, when I have it the hardest. When I wake up, up until 4/5pm... after that I have clarity and the pit in my stomach is gone. It's like a relief comes over me where I'm glad I made the decision to leave.