Almost 40 years of dealing with BPD mother; summoning courage to break contact

[Ideservepeace]

Hello all,
My first post and feel comforted to stumble across this site - I don't feel as alone and reading some posts makes me feel supported in much needed ways. I grew up not knowing there was such a thing as a mental illness - always felt targeted by my emotionally abusive, erratic mother yet loved by a gentle soul of a father. At a young age, I would remember - Grandparents, family friends would comment to me that they can see how she treated me (poorly) and spoilt her son (my younger brother is 37). How jealous she was of my bond with my father.
My harshest of memories are challenging to erase - eg her verbally or physically punishing me as child for no major reason as I knew myself to be an obedient and overly concerned for others. Or if my brother did something wrong, from stealing money from them to or one point in time, learning that he was growing illegal plants, I would get the blame and in-direct punishment. My dossier of pain files are plenty but luckily I have been able to focus on getting myself an education, an ability to survive wherever I go and to form lasting interpersonal friendships wherever I am.

Fast track several decades (I will be 40 in 2018), recent events have triggered the pain and hurt again after attending a series of family dinners.

I cannot fathom how my father can be subjected to attacks and confidence crushing tirades from my BPD mother; but he has and I cannot shield him as he cannot for me. It appears my brother has married someone who feels more than comfortable putting him down in front of others and is highly volatile herself. They have two young sons and have witnessed a lot of upheaval and fights between them.

My brother has inherited key BPD traits eg anger outbursts for no apparent reason, highly self-centred and speaks poorly to me in unwarranted, unexpected moments. Basically, I have often times told myself I'd only be happy to see my father only but these wishes have not been granted as I'm often reminded, "she is your mother" or to come to dinner on a certain day as she will be there.
I want to flee across to the other side of the world (once living in London for two years) and would be ever so ready to move if the opportunity came again. I want to share my life with a safe, loving, emotionally mature and stable man to share a happier household but I have not - yet found that person. I was engaged at the end of 2016 and it ended early 2017. My now ex-fiance's melancholic demeanor, tight-wad and blaming nature said he could not see himself marrying a less than traditional woman (on probing, he said wanted a woman that was proactive around the house whilst having a job and she would need spend her own money - his words to be exact) - I had the courage to walk away from yet another unhealthy toxic relationship. I now happily live in a lovely home on my own and feel proud that I can survive on my own two feet - full time job and friends who love and care for me as I do them.

I am writing this, grieving the loss' of a loving mother-daughter relationship that was never to be and the recent grief of ending another 'relationship'.

So in as many characters, I am glad to have found this site, and now compelled to share the pains of my existence and the desires I wish for myself. The one major aim is to subside the guilt I have of wanting to break contact with the BPD mother who seems to have all the control in shaming me at a moment's notice. Ironically, I plan to break the contact after we share (my parents and I ) share a 7 day trip abroad this September in celebration of my father's 70th.  I paid and booked this so that I rid some guilt that I have with my parents giving me some financials some 12 years ago (I didn't ask nor need it and they equally gave the same to my brother; he seems to have escaped majority of the abuse about repaying her). Their act of generosity has posed a reason for BPD mother to manipulate and taunt me to transfer money to her.

Ultimately, I deserve a fruitful loving life and with all my might, I'm working towards that but would like some help to gain more courage to break away from this crazy turbulent emotional abuse whilst reducing the guilt trips that I will be sure to be given. All I know is, I have the right and ability to thrive and live a wondrous, fulfilling life in peace as you do too.

[Notwendy]

Your story and mine have similarities. BPD mother married to my father who I didn't understand how he put up with it. My attachment to my father and a similar relationship to my mother as you. I was her "black child" and family friends would remark about her preference for a sibling.

I didn't break contact with my mother- as it would have meant breaking contact with my father and I didn't want to do that. You though are way ahead of me with the statement that you can not help him with this, and he can not protect you from her. I naively hoped this was possible. I could have broken contact after my father passed away, but at that point my mother was an elderly widow and I was completely independent of her and it didn't seem necessary.

You have recognized something important- how this kind of family dysfunction can impact the next generation. You see this in your brother. Kudos for you for realizing the abusive relationship with your ex fiance. If you spend time on the relationship part of this board, you will see that several posters also have a BPD parent. This is not coincidence.

However, we do have the ability to have better relationships if we work on the issues that we grew up with. We tend to be attracted to people with whom we have similar relationships as our FOO's. We tend to have poor boundaries because we didn't have good boundaries growing up. But we can learn them- and that changes the relationships we have.

You are in a very good place at the moment, single and aware of the situation. You can choose what to do- NC, or LC or not however, before you do - you may want to get some counseling, work on co-dependency issues, boundaries and also learn how dysfunctional families work- as a whole. Study the drama triangle. Dysfunctional families tend to balance each other and when one person changes, or leaves the system - the others become uncomfortable and rally to get the family member back into place. This may not be easy to deal with. Do not fear this- learning better relationship skills, boundaries- are essential for your own personal benefit. However, I think it may help to have information as well as support to deal with the feelings and behaviors that follow this change.

You have the ability to do this. Make it about you though- your growth, your happiness.