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BasementDweller
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« Reply #3 on: February 22, 2018, 05:42:21 AM » |
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I originally posted this on a thread about books, but I wanted to give it its own thread so more people can see it and hopefully benefit from it. I'm not usually a "salesy" kind of person trying to pitch books and products, but I cannot recommend this book strongly enough for anyone struggling with a difficult relationship:
Hold Me Tight, by Sue Johnson.
It is actually NOT about BPD, but more about patterns of conflict in a relationship, why they happen, and how to overcome them. The information I gleaned from this book (and my BPD partner as well - it was easy to get him to read it because it is not about his "disorder" at all) has been more helpful for us than anything else out there (besides our EFT sessions with our T who recommended the book to us.)
One of the things I have come to realize in all of this is that BPD truly IS a spectrum. Some people are severely adversely affected by it, perhaps so far as to be unable to hold a job, or to stop self-harming. This isn't the majority though, and many of those really extreme behaviors are "last line" behaviors that come from a long history of not having any relief from their illness, or any understanding from those around them, or any "healthy connections" with others. No pwBPD's first symptom is a suicide attempt, or a severe self injury. It starts out more subtle, and the more alienated the person becomes from society and their loved ones, the more extreme their behavior becomes.
I've also come to learn that BPD, and many of the traits associated with it, like many other "letter combinations"... .can often be just personality variants that don't fit in so snugly with polite society's very narrow definition of "acceptable" behavior. The ADHD child in class might be intellectually underchallenged and better suited to physical learning activities than "classroom incubation". The BPD might be a highly intuitive, sensitive person who isn't understood by many others, but with the right kinds of people - can get along great, be functional, and even highly empathic. (Many BPD's are fantastic nurses, caregivers, teachers etc... .)
Once I was able to "forget" my partner's diagnosis, and instead address how he processes his feelings and how I can better respond to him (not by enabling and becoming a doormat, but by doing other things that are simply common courtesy that I wasn't even aware I was missing) things improved between us a lot, and still continue to. We were in absolute full-blown crisis before we went to our T and read this book. The difference now is remarkable - largely because I had the not-so-pleasant realization that I was 50% responsible for our conflicts getting as bad as they did. It was NOT all his fault. All we have done now is make subtle changes in how we project our frustrations, and listen to each others' - and it's working.
There are even exercises in the book you can do with your partner, (or on your own) to get a better understanding of why trouble starts and how to prevent it, or stop it in its tracks.
One thing I noticed when I read this book was that when the couples profiled in it shared their stories - it could have been me and my partner telling those stories. And these are non-BPD couples. But conflict, and what exacerbates it is essentially the same for everybody. It's just heightened with BPD's because they are more sensitive to upset, and more emotionally fragile and volatile than a non-disordered person. But the core reasons for their actions and reactions are the same as for anyone else in pain.
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