Can someone explain this to me?

[Klera]

Hi,
Can someone please help me understand why the BPD mom will not bother to help her kids.  I've posted before about neglect but I wouldn't mind if I could get the psychological explanation.  I know there is info on this site but I would like some emotional help with this please?

My SS almost 13, these past couple of months has had a recurrence of some pretty awful acne.  He's had skin problems since the age of 8 but it's quite something now.  His mom took him to the Dr. finally just before our turn for a summer visit a couple of weeks back.  He is now on antibiotics... .oh joy.  My SS misses pills when he is with his mom.  He came over to our house for visit no. 2 recently.  My DH (his dad) took him to the same Dr. his mom took him to.  Dr. was not impressed whatsoever about missing pills and now SS  has had a discussion on how important this is, he is now committed and excited to have this clear up.  On a scale of 1-10 my SS said it's a 7.  Dr. gave new round of pills, a cream, and some moisturizer for the dryness and itchiness that comes with the side effects but was told it's normal and to pursue this and in 2 months we will see it almost gone. He was given an acne fact sheet and a routine sheet to put up in his bathroom. Up until now my H hasn't stepped in. We were hoping that at least the mom could get off her butt and help her son prior to this. 

My SS has gone back to his moms.  He texted his dad to say that he hadn't taken anything out of his backpack (he's been there, it's now day 2).   Before he went back, DH sent an email to BPD ex that SS went to Dr, all that Dr said, all that was prescribed, that SS is excited and motivated to help himself, and could she please allow SS to put up his sheet in his bathroom to help him remember his new routine.   SS said he had 'missed pills at mummy's" and that his pills were kept in the cabinet in his bathroom so I suppose he wasn't remembering as he keeps them out on the counter at our house.

I'm trying to keep this as brief as I can, I tend to ramble on... sorry... .

So now I'm holding my breath.  I was so angry yesterday that my SS mom can't be bothered to even lift one bloody finger to help him.  When my DH sent the email, it was a day or after SS went to Dr. and at least 2 days before he got back to his mom's so plenty of notice and information for her.  Nothing.  No answer.  He did say in the email to contact the Dr. with any questions but I was expecting at least a , "will do" or a thanks.  Nope.  Also the best part is that when SS was here for visit no. 2 (each visit is 2 weeks) that my DH found out that the Dr. had been trying to get in touch with mom (pwBPD) to book a follow up after the first prescription of June 19 but she wasn't answering.  So when my DH decided on his own to book an appt and bring SS in he found this out.  When Dr saw that dad was bringing him in he said, "oh, so your the parent today"...   But Wow why is she being so neglectful?  she was able to finally bring him in in June but that's it.  And keep in mind that my SS has had skin problems going on 5 years now, but not as bad as this.  The Dr. has given us the impression that he isn't too happy with mom, that this can be cleared up quite easily.  I cannot even begin to express my frustration over this.  There is more from the history but I can't write a novel to tell you!  I do think that Dr. knows there is something definitely problems with the mom (she is also morbidly obese), that he might even know she has BPD but he isn't giving any type of indication or anything other than he is going to get her to get him in there at least every 2 to 3 weeks.  I do believe this guy is a no nonsense guy (I haven't met him) and will get on the mom's case hopefully.

I also want to say that my SS is also quite heavy.  He has gained 25-30 lbs this past school year and same with my SD.  I won't go into their diet or weight issues right now but my SS is getting to be obese and his mother has always been obese and I am not dealing with all of this very well. 

 Thank you So much for reading and I would appreciate any thoughts.  I particularly appreciate Panda39's advice in the past, so if she is reading this... .?

cheers,
Klera

[livednlearned]

Hi Klera,

My SO has two soon-to-be adult kids (S18 and D20) whose mama wasn't (still isn't) very good at basic parenting. A few years ago they got a (surprisingly expensive purebred) young puppy who, according to the kids, spends 22 hours a day in a crate. It's a painful metaphor for the kids, imo.

SO's D20 has bipolar/BPD and she struggles with the most basic aspects of getting through the day. Her emotions are so consuming, so powerful, that problem-solving and regular ol' cognition are challenges. She wants desperately to get off the roller coaster but can't, or she tries coping strategies that just make things worse. I cannot imagine her taking care of another person because taking care of herself is such a challenge.

She's very nurturing and wants to be a special education teacher, and is driven to be a perfectionist, which on one hand makes her functional, but on the other hand makes her feel like she is always failing. This means she needs constant reassurance and praise, which turns everyone into a potential source of validation for her.

If she had kids, I can see her requiring them to provide an impossible amount of reassurance and validation. She knows no other way to be, so it wouldn't make sense to see herself as failing her children because if they have needs of their own, that is simply perceived as them letting her down, instead of vice versa.

It's best to work directly with the kids, in my experience. I know that's hard when they are 13. My son has to use timers on his phone for everything, and that's even for stuff living with me, so he learns to take care of himself. I think kids who have BPD parents get a late start, and they may experience a failure to launch in more severe ways because they have a parent who experienced the same thing.

It can really break your heart to watch.

[Klera]

Hi Livednearned,

Thanks for your reply!   I think I remember you have your hands full too at your place so experience is greatly valued by me.  I welcome any feedback.

   There is a bit more about my SS in that he also has a lot of anxieties about everything. For instance, the last day he was with us, he and his dad went to see a movie together.  He ended up falling on some uneven concrete, scraped his knee and hit (flexed) his wrist to break his fall.  My DH is very calm, logical and knows a thing or two about first aid etc so he's always (seems like) nursing these two kids with any injuries or bug bites, bleeding noses etc all those basic kid stuff that isn't a huge deal obviously to most.   My H tells me before the show started that my SS told him he thought his arm was broken.  I said, 'he was kidding, right?' My H:  'no, he was serious'.     My SS has broken his arm in the past so my H asked if it was the same pain and my SS said no, it wasn't... so of course H talks him out of this catastrophe.   My SS refuses to put his feet in the water at a beach, terrified of spiders to the point he won't go downstairs to the basement to the freezer, etc etc etc.  He conjures up the most worst case scenarios all the time, no doubt from his BPD mom.   Food is a nightmare I made him try just a taste of coleslaw and you'd think it was rat poison (eye roll) I did not really expect him to like it necessarily,  but I want him to learn to try stuff.  Anyone reading this should know, for me that it's like starting with toddlers because of sharing them with you know - the 'other' parent.  Hand washing is standard here, please and thank you's but when they go back to their mom's? I have to start again when they come back nag, nag, nag... .I know kids are like that anyway but I find with these two all my 'training' goes out the window once they leave us and go back to 'her' their mom pwBPD. 
My SS is set in his ways, stubborn he refuses to try anything remotely produce-like (I know this isn't unusual) but since his weight is so off the chart, I try to do the best I can with the nutrition and habits at our house.   Not easy.   So I have a lot of frustration with my SS because I can see the influence on him from his mom since he was little.  He also looks like her, built like her and my SD is like her dad so yes, you can imagine I hate to admit it but... .

As the kids are older 13 and 14, this is our next phase and we are dealing with them directly and not their mom. I imagine that she is getting the hint we want nothing to do with her, hear from her (email) or 'discuss' anything with her.  From the past, it is absolutely a waste of time as those circular discussions - JADE is the best description I've come across.  I wish we knew about that 8 years ago and would have saved so much time writing emails back and forth her bringing up the past mistakes that my H supposedly did to HER just to throw up a smokescreen and try to distract from the main issues we wanted to address.  Wow so exhausting.  So now we know better.   The kids' mom sent an 'update' just prior to their first summer visit, but my H didn't take the bait and said thanks, that was about it.  She wanted a huge 'discussion' with him about some things and... .nope... .sorry.   So when we sent this over to her about the drs visit, I'm sure this is the silent treatment that passive aggressive b.s. they pull but honestly I'm glad she didn't reply.  So I think she's getting the hint to p**ss off and we discuss things with the kids, not her. 

One last thing, my SS just finished with his bedwetting too.  I know, right? gets better doesn't it.   About timers, he was told by the Dr. he should set a timer to get up to go to the bathroom.  He was wearing night pants for years up until only this summer visit with us and we ran out.  So we said to him, give it a try without and hope for the best and it was fine.   I think he's had anxiety about that too but it's slowly gone. 

I think when I ask for advice, I kind of already know but I wanted to get someone who really knows what one goes through mentally as a stepparent when you don't have them enough to fix everything.  We have them only every second weekend throughout the school year.  We weren't prepared to go back to 50-50 unless their mother absolutely could not handle it, would be on her knees ready to sign total custody over and/or their school performances dropped.  So far so good they've done so well these past years in school but it's their home life - hygiene, diet, habits, all that stuff that suffers greatly.  Like REALLY bad.   

cheers,
Klera

[livednlearned]

I think when I ask for advice, I kind of already know but I wanted to get someone who really knows what one goes through mentally as a stepparent when you don't have them enough to fix everything. 

Feeling helpless over something that is out of our control is gut wrenching

You know the saying: pain x resistance = suffering? Would that it were so easy to eliminate the resistance part! Step parenting a child who has a BPD parent is a recipe for resistance. There is so little we can do about the pain.

Like you notice in your step kids, they may have super sensitive nervous systems, maybe inherited from the BPD parent. The way you describe your SS sounds a lot like my S16. He feels pain more acutely. He is more anxious about small things. He requires more soothing and needs more time to adjust to things. He has OCD traits, including intrusive thoughts. I think of him as high needs.

I found books like Highly Sensitive Child to be helpful -- if I remember correctly, there is one book in particular that describes HSP in terms of mild, moderate, and severe. Some of the severe stuff sounds like BPD.

If you feel repulsed by SS, it's ok to acknowledge that and do what's necessary to take care of yourself. Venting can help. It's also helpful to have strategies, too. Things that you can have control over. Do you have things you do to make sure you're taking care of yourself?

[Klera]

Yes  I exercise and watch my diet etc. and if I don't, I don't feel well.    My H and I talk a lot and a good support system with each other.  Our family friend is getting her PhD is our psych help she goes back to before the kids were born... .knows ALL about the kids mom... having been around since the beginning.  Interesting input from her too.  She was the one who first explained to me that the kids didn't 'feel safe' talking about their mom.  I didn't know a thing back then. 

Repulsion. That's the word.   I need to learn to let go of the stuff I can't control - I've always had trouble with that      I've been feeling too angry and helpless but now I'm going to focus on taking care of me again.  I tend not to do my normal routine when the kids are here and that also throws me off balance when it comes to my headspace.  Thanks so much for your input, I really appreciate it. 

[livednlearned]

I need to learn to let go of the stuff I can't control - I've always had trouble with that       

Me too! It's a minute-by-minute challenge to practice self-care on the days when D20 is here. I'm having to relearn the same thing over different stuff with D23.

Self-care is a lot of work, and takes effort for me.

If I described everything I did in preparation for D20 coming back, it would sound like I was preparing for a major infiltration 

Even with pretty good self-care, I gnashed my teeth over things and had to actively work to get myself back to center.

I forgive myself for having a countdown calendar, counting the days until she left. Knowing it was not permanent helped me handle some of the more unkind intense emotions that I struggled to manage.

And because of all this, I learned some things about myself that were both helpful and painful at the same time.

These are really complex relationships and it's ok to find them difficult