Let's start with good memories... .I spent most of July in Colorado. Ostensibly looking for work but also incidentally enjoying the mountains, hikes and everything in between. Steam engine trains in Durango-Siverton and Antonito-Chama NM. Glenwood canyon along the Colorado River east of Glenwood Springs along I-70. Exhausting hike up to Hanging Lake. Exhausting hike up Grizzly Creek. Beautiful drive down the mountains on Route 14 toward Fort Collins. Seeing the marble quarry from a distance) at Marble. Camping out on national forest roads east of Pagosa Springs. Many nice memories.
Back to the dilemma at hand... .Be aware that unless there is a diagnosis already, courts generally won't seek a diagnosis, especially from us spouses, we're not qualified to Play Doctor. So we generally suggest you not try to bark up a tree when nothing is likely to come of it. Instead, do what the courts and the professionals around the courts do, focus on the poor behaviors. And not just any poor behaviors. Based on our observations and experiences they can be roughly grouped into two categories.
- Adult behaviors... . This is how she treats you and other adults. As the closest to her, you would think how she treats you would be of great interest to the court. Sorry. Courts sees you both as adults and in most cases how you treat each other doesn't matter. Yes, abuse issues may make a difference and need to be reported and addressed but in a surprising twist court generally doesn't connect adult behaviors to parenting behaviors. So while it is important to document the major adult conflicts, it is of lesser concern in custody and parenting decisions.
- Parenting behaviors... . This is of greater concern to the court but be aware it will also ignore lesser incidents. Sorry, having ten minor incidents documented may not add up to being equivalent to one major incident. Family court is allowed a measure of discretion so there are no absolutes here. But if there is children's or family services involvement, being honest and forthcoming with them is the best way to get a positive outcome for the children.
Let me repeat, But if there is children's or family services involvement, being honest and forthcoming with them is the best way to get a positive outcome for the children. If you hide your spouse's poor behaviors then you could be seen in nearly as bad a light as your spouse.
Disclaimer: We are not lawyers, we are peer support. What various members may write here is not legal advice, it's our hard-won collective wisdom gained from a multitude of experiences with courts, lawyers, evaluators, agencies etc. A local lawyer who is proactive, experienced and recognized as a "problem solving" attorney can provide not just legal advice but also additional strategies that are likely to help your case.
Yes, you may have had some mental issues in the past but you have made progress and largely recovered. Kudos to you. No need to be timid now. Your history may have been poor once but now is one of recovery! But your spouse hasn't recovered or improved, she's locked into her patterns and poor behaviors. However, she's an adult, you can't make her change, you aren't allowed to fix her, even if you could but of course you can't fix her. Your only alternative now is to focus on the children more than her. The children are higher on your priority list. So are you, ponder that, if you're not well or able to step forward as a reasonably normal and concerned parent, then how can you be the stable parent for the kids? If she continues to have poor behaviors then you may have to place her very low on your priority list.
A lawyer ought to be able to confirm my understanding of the custody laws. Once you have lived in a state for 6 months then your "residence" for custody and parenting issues is in that state, well, unless you two agree otherwise. So she can't run away with the kids to another state and file there, not unless you don't do anything and allow her establish residency there to meet the 6 months requirement. In short, you could file for divorce where you are, serve her wherever she has gone and force the case back to your area. Sure, she could complicate it, set up an address and utility accounts there on the sly and then later try to claim she was there the whole time but then you could contest it. The point is, if you want a divorce case where you live then don't put off filing, the longer you wait the more time she has to sabotage reality.
I don't know if a case filed in Texas would be worse than filing in Colorado. I have an impression custody cases can be tough in Colorado and I don't know how it compares to Texas. On the other hand, you and all your supporting documentation and agency involvement is probably in Colorado.
Oh and concerning your posts here... .this is one of our boards where more sensitive information is posted and so this Family Law board can only be viewed by members. So don't tell her about this site. (Remember, you don't have to share literally everything. We know how interrogating a person with BPD can be but you have a right to privacy and confidentiality here. "I have a right to privacy and to have confidential matters. I don't have to disclose literally everything, not even under pressure or guilting." Still, beware that you don't leave links or histories of visits here on computers or notes.)
One last thought... . When we write "friends and family members can be good supporters", what we really mean is
TRUSTED friends and family members. When put on the spot, some people may decide to side with your spouse. Be aware.
