This can't be real

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

This cannot be real.  She was my best friend first.  We've known each other 20+ years.  We worked together when we met.  I knew I loved her then and she loved me.  We were both in relationships at the time so we never crossed the line.  I eventually left the job but we remained friends.  We would meet for lunch sometimes or go to the movies after work but we kept it platonic.  I had a child with my girlfriend and she got married and moved to another state.  We lost contact with each other for 10 years.

One random day, I get a call at my job and it was her.  I couldn't have been happier.  She told me she was getting divorced and I said jokingly "now it's my turn" and her response was "yeah it is". My heart dropped and all the love I was missing in my relationship was found and my life started again.  I felt so alive in that moment it was incredible.  My relationship was failing and my life was in shambles.  We caught up and realized we missed each other and we were what we have needed in our lives. 
We talk for hours on the phone and we fell in love.  The deepest love I've ever felt in my life.  She came to visit and when we kissed, it was magic.  We both saw stars and fireworks. We would visit each other every couple of months then decided to live together.  She relocated to be with me and we got a place and lived together for 18 months.  I noticed signs but I ignored them.  She was very jeolous and wanted to spend ever second with me.  We went to work together and came home together and ate dinner every night but to her, I didn't spend enough time together.  I had to see my child on the weekends and I think she was jealous of my child.  She wanted to leave to go to back to her home state but I begged her to stay.  She stayed but she wasn't happy.  Eventually, I let her go because I knew she wasn't happy.  I followed her 5 months later and we lived there for 2 years. I noticed she would get mad over the smallest things and go crazy.  She would tell me to leave and go back when we argued.  That's just some of the madness I had to endure.  I stuck by her and loved her through everything.  I couldn't find a good job and she never let me forget it.  I had to leave to come back home and I found a great job.  She missed me as I missed her.  I visited her and she cried when we made love because she missed me so much, it was the most beautiful thing in the world to me.  I felt more love than I ever felt in my life.  She wanted to come live with me again and I wanted her to but I was living with family.  I told her to stay for a while and when I get a place but she wanted to come anyway.  I couldn't let her come because I wanted her to be happy and I know she wouldn't have been.  We would argue alot over the phone and she would say mean things, disrespectful things to me.  She got a new job and had to move closer to her job.  I offered to pay for her move and help her with her rent but she didn't want me to help.  Red flag.  We had an argument and didn't speak for a couple of days.  When I finally got I touch with her, she told me she had moved on with her life.  I said what do you mean and she said not with anybody else but moved on.  I tried to call her the next day but I was blocked.  I called a family member because I was worried about her. She called me to tell me she was "seeing someone". I couldn't believe it because I thought we were still together.  Two weeks later they were living together.  I died that day.  I tried to reason with her but she just cut me off.  Eventually we talked and she told me the new guys was much younger than her.  We are in our mid 40's and the guy is young enough to be her child.  She told me to leave her alone but she still loved me and knew I was the man she wanted to spend forever with.  She was going to break up with him and we would get back together. Then one day she called me with him on the phone and told me she was staying with him and he was in the background saying don't call her again.  I emailed her telling her I loved her and wanted he back and she said she felt the same.  She was leaving him and coming back to me. She loved me and couldn't live without me. I waited and then she said she was staying with him.  My friends and family told me to just leave her alone but I couldn't.  I was blocked on everything and losing my mind.  Then I got an email from her saying sorry for everything.  I fell right back into the trap.  I told her to be with me again because I couldn't live without her.  I could sleep or eat.  I lost about 20 pounds in a month.  Then she said she was staying with him and to please leave her alone.  I told her I would but I need her to tell me goodbye.  She said she couldn't.  I made one last plea and then I tried to leave her alone.  I just could not.  I loved her so much that she eventually broke up with the guy and said we were back together.  I felt alive once more and it lasted for three days.  We talked and we were making plans to be together then I called her and she didn't answer.  I called her at her job and she told me he moved back in (temporarily).  I was devastated. How could she keep doing this to me.  Then next day she called me crying saying I ruined her relationship and they broke up.  She asked me not to call her and blame everything on me.  I died again that day. I vowed to leave her alone and I did.  She called me a week later apologizing and saying she loved and missed me and we were back together again.  I was reborn.  We talked everyday and made plans to see each other.  Everything was as before with us.  We laughed,we cried and we were back in love for two weeks.  Then one day she asked me what time was I going to lunch because I work nights and she said ok.  I texted her my break and she texted back "let me call you later, I'm having dinner".  I texted back ok.  Then 5 minutes later it hit me.  I texted dinner with whom?  No response.  I called numerous times and no answer.  I finally got in touch with her that night but she was mad at me and said I was stressing her out and she had a headache.  She would call me the next day.  Next day no call or text.  Then about a week later she called and cursed me out for stressing her out and that she was back with the guy.  I am floored.  When I left her alone, she called me and said I could exhale now.  We were planning on getting married.  She just dropped me again and mocked me for my feelings toward her.  It was humiliating.  She said leave her alone, don't call her or text her ever again.  I loved her with all my soul and for 7 years she made me feel the same.  How can she do this with no remorse.  She said if I contact, police will be involved.  Someone please tell me this is not real and really happened.  She texted me later that night apologizing for the way she acted but she is gone and just forget about her.  How can I?  We saved each other and I dedicated my life to us.  I feel like I can't go on but I know I have to.  I can't accept this but I have no choice.  How can she go from I love you, we are getting married to never call or text or email her again in the span of a week.  I was there for her through everything good or bad.  I have not heard a peep out of her for a week now and I'm scared to call or text or email because she might try to get me in trouble with police for stalking her.  I don't know what to do.  I know she has BPD but she won't acknowledge it.  She has no friends and isolated herself from her family because of things they did 35 years ago that she can't let go.  Please someone tell me I'm not crazy.  The sad part is a part of me still wants to be with her but I know we can't. Is it really over for good this time?  Do I try to get in touch with her? I already know the answer but I just can't let go.  I love her more than life itself.  She was always saying g I was going to leave her for another  woman then she leaves me for another man with no remorse.  I had endured so much from her when she got in her episodes but I chalked it up as just her being her.  She always twisted my words and I couldn't tell her she took it the wrong way.  I miss her and I can't see myself with anyone else. I am doomed and right now I don't even know how I'm still breathing.

[Imnolngeralive]

This cannot be real.  She was my best friend first.  We've known each other 20+ years.  We worked together when we met.  I knew I loved her then and she loved me.  We were both in relationships at the time so we never crossed the line.  I eventually left the job but we remained friends.  We would meet for lunch sometimes or go to the movies after work but we kept it platonic.  I had a child with my girlfriend and she got married and moved to another state.  We lost contact with each other for 10 years.

One random day, I get a call at my job and it was her.  I couldn't have been happier.  She told me she was getting divorced and I said jokingly "now it's my turn" and her response was "yeah it is". My heart dropped and all the love I was missing in my relationship was found and my life started again.  I felt so alive in that moment it was incredible.  My relationship was failing and my life was in shambles.  We caught up and realized we missed each other and we were what we have needed in our lives. 
We talk for hours on the phone and we fell in love.  The deepest love I've ever felt in my life.  She came to visit and when we kissed, it was magic.  We both saw stars and fireworks. We would visit each other every couple of months then decided to live together.  She relocated to be with me and we got a place and lived together for 18 months.  I noticed signs but I ignored them.  She was very jeolous and wanted to spend ever second with me.  We went to work together and came home together and ate dinner every night but to her, I didn't spend enough time together.  I had to see my child on the weekends and I think she was jealous of my child.  She wanted to leave to go to back to her home state but I begged her to stay.  She stayed but she wasn't happy.  Eventually, I let her go because I knew she wasn't happy.  I followed her 5 months later and we lived there for 2 years. I noticed she would get mad over the smallest things and go crazy.  She would tell me to leave and go back when we argued.  That's just some of the madness I had to endure.  I stuck by her and loved her through everything.  I couldn't find a good job and she never let me forget it.  I had to leave to come back home and I found a great job.  She missed me as I missed her.  I visited her and she cried when we made love because she missed me so much, it was the most beautiful thing in the world to me.  I felt more love than I ever felt in my life.  She wanted to come live with me again and I wanted her to but I was living with family.  I told her to stay for a while and when I get a place but she wanted to come anyway.  I couldn't let her come because I wanted her to be happy and I know she wouldn't have been.  We would argue alot over the phone and she would say mean things, disrespectful things to me.  She got a new job and had to move closer to her job.  I offered to pay for her move and help her with her rent but she didn't want me to help.  Red flag.  We had an argument and didn't speak for a couple of days.  When I finally got I touch with her, she told me she had moved on with her life.  I said what do you mean and she said not with anybody else but moved on.  I tried to call her the next day but I was blocked.  I called a family member because I was worried about her. She called me to tell me she was "seeing someone". I couldn't believe it because I thought we were still together.  Two weeks later they were living together.  I died that day.  I tried to reason with her but she just cut me off.  Eventually we talked and she told me the new guys was much younger than her.  We are in our mid 40's and the guy is young enough to be her child.  She told me to leave her alone but she still loved me and knew I was the man she wanted to spend forever with.  She was going to break up with him and we would get back together. Then one day she called me with him on the phone and told me she was staying with him and he was in the background saying don't call her again.  I emailed her telling her I loved her and wanted he back and she said she felt the same.  She was leaving him and coming back to me. She loved me and couldn't live without me. I waited and then she said she was staying with him.  My friends and family told me to just leave her alone but I couldn't.  I was blocked on everything and losing my mind.  Then I got an email from her saying sorry for everything.  I fell right back into the trap.  I told her to be with me again because I couldn't live without her.  I could sleep or eat.  I lost about 20 pounds in a month.  Then she said she was staying with him and to please leave her alone.  I told her I would but I need her to tell me goodbye.  She said she couldn't.  I made one last plea and then I tried to leave her alone.  I just could not.  I loved her so much that she eventually broke up with the guy and said we were back together.  I felt alive once more and it lasted for three days.  We talked and we were making plans to be together then I called her and she didn't answer.  I called her at her job and she told me he moved back in (temporarily).  I was devastated. How could she keep doing this to me.  Then next day she called me crying saying I ruined her relationship and they broke up.  She asked me not to call her and blame everything on me.  I died again that day. I vowed to leave her alone and I did.  She called me a week later apologizing and saying she loved and missed me and we were back together again.  I was reborn.  We talked everyday and made plans to see each other.  Everything was as before with us.  We laughed,we cried and we were back in love for two weeks.  Then one day she asked me what time was I going to lunch because I work nights and she said ok.  I texted her my break and she texted back "let me call you later, I'm having dinner".  I texted back ok.  Then 5 minutes later it hit me.  I texted dinner with whom?  No response.  I called numerous times and no answer.  I finally got in touch with her that night but she was mad at me and said I was stressing her out and she had a headache.  She would call me the next day.  Next day no call or text.  Then about a week later she called and cursed me out for stressing her out and that she was back with the guy.  I am floored.  When I left her alone, she called me and said I could exhale now.  We were planning on getting married.  She just dropped me again and mocked me for my feelings toward her.  It was humiliating.  She said leave her alone, don't call her or text her ever again.  I loved her with all my soul and for 7 years she made me feel the same.  How can she do this with no remorse.  She said if I contact, police will be involved.  Someone please tell me this is not real and really happened.  She texted me later that night apologizing for the way she acted but she is gone and just forget about her.  How can I?  We saved each other and I dedicated my life to us.  I feel like I can't go on but I know I have to.  I can't accept this but I have no choice.  How can she go from I love you, we are getting married to never call or text or email her again in the span of a week.  I was there for her through everything good or bad.  I have not heard a peep out of her for a week now and I'm scared to call or text or email because she might try to get me in trouble with police for stalking her.  I don't know what to do.  I know she has BPD but she won't acknowledge it.  She has no friends and isolated herself from her family because of things they did 35 years ago that she can't let go.  Please someone tell me I'm not crazy.  The sad part is a part of me still wants to be with her but I know we can't. Is it really over for good this time?  Do I try to get in touch with her? I already know the answer but I just can't let go.  I love her more than life itself.  She was always saying g I was going to leave her for another  woman then she leaves me for another man with no remorse.  I had endured so much from her when she got in her episodes but I chalked it up as just her being her.  She always twisted my words and I couldn't tell her she took it the wrong way.  I miss her and I can't see myself with anyone else. I am doomed and right now I don't even know how I'm still breathing.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Imnol, Welcome!  I'm sorry to hear that you are in pain.  The starting point, I suggest, is with yourself, by treating yourself with care and compassion.  I'm unclear about whether your friend suffers from BPD.  If so, now did you learn that she has the disorder?  Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim

[Imnolngeralive]

Lucky Jim.  I learned about it by doing research and everything I read, I realized she showed the traits in every possible way.  I always asked her if she was bipolar and she said she didn't know.  My family felt there was something "off" with her.  Her friends stopped being her friends and she would lash out and cut people off for the littlest things.  Her dad even said he doesn't know what is wrong with her but he sees it too.  There are so many things she did or said that was not normal and her reactions to the slightest things were incredible.  She could be the happiest, nicest person one second and the turn into a monster the next.  I was always walking on eggshells around her.  It was Dr jekyl & Mr Hyde every couple of days.  On the good days we loved each other like we were the only people in the world.  On the bad days, she hated me because I wore a red shirt. (Exaggeration) but something simple as that.  She said she knew something was wrong with her but she was/is too proud to seek help. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, Imno, Of course we can't diagnose anyone on this site, but the behavior you describe seems consistent w/BPD, particularly the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde aspect of her personality.  It sounds as if, like many of us, you missed or ignored the red flags  that were apparent to friends and family.  The bottom line is that most relationships with a pwBPD are not built to last, for many reasons not the least of which is the unrelenting stress on the Non.  So you are in good company with many of us here!  At some point, I predict that you will be grateful to be out of the r/s, but in the meantime I appreciate that it's incredibly painful.  Hang in there,

LuckyJim

[Imnolngeralive]

Thanks... .It is so hard to grasp what just happened.  If you give someone unconditional love, how can they just throw you away like a piece of thrash.  I was there for her when nobody else was.  I was there for her family through all the tough times.  How can she sleep at night?  3 weeks ago (last recycle). We were fine.  We talked out our problems and made plans to live together again.  Then one day she just went cold.  She got mad at me because I give her a headache when I ask her what happened and was she  back with the new guy.  She met him on a Saturday and slept with him on Sunday and they were living together the next week.  We were still together or so I thought.  She is like the Terminator... .I can't bargain, I can't reason with her.  Her only mission is to destroy me, make sure I never existed.  She told me she loved me and missed me.  She said she couldn't live without me.  Then dropped me.  I left her alone but she called me because she couldn't stop thinking about me.  I was just getting to the acceptance stage.  How could she do it again.  I told her I thought I lost her forever and she said never.  She could never let me go.  I told her if it is truly over, just say goodbye to me and she said she can't and won't but don't ever call or text or email her again.  So she can be in her new relationship in peace.  I love this woman so much.  I can't let go. 

[once removed]

hi Imnolngeralive, i want to join Lucky Jim and say

i understand how painful it can be to invest so much in your relationship, and in the person you loved, and then to have them treat you as their worst enemy is so very surreal.

i agree with Lucky Jim that you should treat yourself gently and with great care at this time. do you have friends and family you can lean on for support? are you seeing a therapist?

learning more about the disorder as you go will help you to understand what seems so unimaginable, and can put your mind at ease when it comes to many of the questions you have. it can also help us depersonalize what are very painful behaviors. a good place to do this is to the lessons directly to the right of the board.

additionally, id like to share this article with you on surviving a breakup with someone with BPD; it addresses many of the common questions we struggle with, and provides a good healing path going forward: https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/10_beliefs.pdf

do you find you are struggling with any of the ten beliefs in particular?

we are listening, Imnolngeralive, and we will walk through this with you.

[Imnolngeralive]

I can't bare this pain.  It is taking everything in me not to contact her.  I need her and even though she discarded me numerous times over the last 4 months.  I have this undescribable love for her.  If she is sick and I care about her, how can I just walk away? That is a broken promise I made to stick by her no matter what.  How can I let her indulge in reckless behavior and just let it happen?  I know I should care about and for myself but I love her and don't want to see her destroy her life.  I know it's not up to me to decide what's best for her but what if she sees the light and then asked why didn't I try harder?  I've given everything  I could but no one else cares about her.  People use her and walk away.  She realizes later and then comes crying to me and I fall for it over and over again.  I am lost and confused.  Everybody says leave her alone but I can't.  I love her and I know she loves me.  She is so easily manipulated and everyone is against me because of the story she tells about me but it is not true.  Instead of confrontation, these people agree with her to keep the peace and make me the bad guy.  I feel like I'm in the bizarro world and the truth is lies and lies are the truth.  She even has me believing it is all my fault.  In relationships we have to compromise and I did all the time to make her happy.  I pray all the time. Is God even listening?  If so and my intentions are pure why can't I fix this?

[once removed]

two of the ten beliefs many of us struggle with are two that you touched on:

9) Belief that you need to stay to help them.

You might want to stay to help your partner. You might want to disclose to them that they have borderline personality disorder and help them get into therapy. Maybe you want to help in other ways while still maintaining a “friendship”. The fact is, we are no longer in a position to be the caretaker and support person for our “BPD” partner – no matter how well intentioned. Understand that we have become the trigger for our partner’s bad feelings and bad behavior. Sure, we do not deliberately cause these feelings, but your presence is now triggering them. This is a complex defense mechanism that is often seen with borderline personality disorder when a relationship sours. It’s roots emanate from the deep core wounds associated with the disorder. We can’t begin to answer to this. We also need to question our own motives and your expectations for wanting to help. Is this kindness or a type of “well intentioned” manipulation on your part - an attempt to change them to better serve the relationship as opposed to addressing the lifelong wounds from which they suffer? More importantly, what does this suggest about our own survival instincts – we’re injured, in ways we may not even fully grasp, and it’s important to attend to our own wounds before we are attempt to help anyone else. You are damaged. Right now, your primary responsibility really needs to be to yourself – your own emotional survival. If your partner tries to lean on you, it’s a greater kindness that you step away. Difficult, no doubt, but more responsible.

10) Belief that they have seen the light

Your partner may suddenly be on their best behavior or appearing very needy and trying to entice you back into the relationship. You, hoping that they are finally seeing things your way or really needing you, may venture back in – or you may struggle mightily to stay away. What is this all about? Well, at the end of any relationship there can be a series of breakups and make-ups – disengaging is often a process, not an event. However when this process becomes protracted, it becomes toxic. At the end of a “BPD” relationship, this can happen. The emotional needs that fueled the relationship bond initially, are now fueling a convoluted disengagement as one or both partners struggle against their deep enmeshment with the other and their internal conflicts about the break up. Either partner may go to extremes to reunite - even use the threat of suicide to get attention and evoke sympathies. Make no mistake about what is happening. Don’t be lulled into believing that the relationship is surviving or going through a phase. At this point, there are no rules. There are no clear loyalties. Each successive breakup increases the dysfunction of relationship and the dysfunction of the partners individually - and opens the door for very hurtful things to happen.

it was a difficult and painful lesson for me to learn that sometimes it is necessary to love someone from afar.

i remember the pain very well, and i always will. it was the hardest thing i ever went through, maybe ever will. i made it, and you will too. trust that.

until then, what sorts of things can you do to attend your wounds and take care of yourself?