A 40 Year ride about to end

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've been reading here for the past few weeks and it really has helped me to quit beating myself up over the last 40 years spent with a BPD woman. Many of the stories of others hit home pretty hard and I can't believe that it has taken so long to recognize the fact she really has a disorder and not was just "emotional".  I am grateful for the fact we never had children, and there were some great times during the early years. In our case though, something triggered my wife about two years ago and our relationship took a nosedive it will not return from.

I will go in to more detail with time spent here, but this forum has really put some history into perspective, thank you.

[Tarquin42]

I've been reading here for the past few weeks and it really has helped me to quit beating myself up over the last 40 years spent with a BPD woman. Many of the stories of others hit home pretty hard and I can't believe that it has taken so long to recognize the fact she really has a disorder and not was just "emotional".  I am grateful for the fact we never had children, and there were some great times during the early years. In our case though, something triggered my wife about two years ago and our relationship took a nosedive it will not return from.

I will go in to more detail with time spent here, but this forum has really put some history into perspective, thank you.

[donkey2016]

Hello,

I would like to congratulate you for getting out of the relationship. You're not alone in deciding late in life that you want to be free. I read about others here on this web site.

What happened? Did you ex get a shock when you wanted to leave? I tried many times to leave and always got sucked back in.

donkey2016

[Inside]

I suspect we’re close in age, I’d done 30 years with an anxiety laden wife (we did have kids), and that’s been over for around 8 ... .which includes a 3 year r/s with a BPD woman. 

Forty years... I’d not thought such a thing possible.  Is a book in order   I’m a caregiver, and it’s not served me well, but suspect many on these boards are, too.  And isn’t this place something … I’ve often wondered how many lives it’s saved, perhaps including my own.

No, you are not alone.  And from what I’ve learned from time spent here, you’ve likely an internal goodness that has - and will continue to benefit humanity.  Welcome

[Tarquin42]

Thanks for the welcome, yes Inside I probably do have a book of material over the decades. My wife and I have known each other since childhood... she was my next door neighbor! Just friends until high school, then compared notes with each other when we were dating others... .then figured out we "had something" for each other.  Shortly after we became serious about each other her mother became ill and died of a brain tumor. My future wife had just moved out of her home into her own apartment which left her father to take care of himself. He drank himself to death within eight months. As her family had moved to the States just before she was born, and her only brother was killed in Viet Nam, she was really alone. This is the girl I was going to save.

At the time we had of course great passion and the occasional screaming fits which I attributed to the loss of her entire family over the course of a few years. I thought all I had to do was show her how much I loved her and give her whatever she wanted. I don't think she was ever abused physically growing up and did have the love of her parents, but there was her fathers drinking problem which I'm sure was there for years.

From what little I have learned and read on this board, my wife would I guess be called a high functioning BPD. She can be great with people and has never caused herself physical harm beyond threats to do so. Anyway, over the years we moved, started a business, built a home, took trips and had the ups and downs like everyone else... .every time she had a "blow up" I chalked it up to whatever stress we were going through at the time and we would always make up shortly after.

The last decade was a roller coaster, first she was treated for breast cancer and had immediate surgery, treatments and came through it as best could be hoped for. Five years ago I went through surgery for prostate cancer and also was blessed with a great team and the best recovery I could have hoped for. Now up until two years ago things were never better between us and our relationship. She was taking a HRT which seemed not only to improve our sex life, but also her attitude. At the time I thought finally we were in the relationship I was waiting for all these years.

Holidays are always tough for my wife and looking back it seems that it was about two years ago she was excited, decorating the house and then out of the blue tearing everything down and saying how she hated the holidays, my relatives and of course me in the deal. She quit taking her HRT saying it was "too expensive" and with that no more intimate moments for us. I never had been treated this bad for so long and have realized that nothing is ever going to change for us... .I cannot save her. She had brought up the fact she thinks she has the symptoms of BPD, but after one visit to a therapist has said I'll just have to deal with her the way she is.

Over the last few days we have discussed the future and it seems her mood lightens when I talk about where I'm going to move to    Maybe all this time she has just been pushing me to make this break, either way I want to warn some here that this disorder can seem to subside at times for years and make a raging comeback. Maybe it is age, hormones, family situations... .but it really doesn't matter when you are the ones caught up in it.

[Inside]

Hi Tarquin42,  What’s never ceased to amaze me around here is how familiar, if not near identical the experiences of others are.  Again, for myself, I had a 30 year marriage, then a 3 year BPD experience.  And when considering the intensity of the BPD experience, those 3 years felt like 30! 

You said: “I thought all I had to do was show her how much I loved her and give her whatever she wanted.”  Same here … but the more I gave, the harder she struggled to ‘escape.’  They’ve something missing... and know it, but we can’t fix or fill it. 

“From what little I have learned and read on this board, my wife would I guess be called a high functioning BPD.”  Within my 3 year BP partner experience, I spent half that time figuring out what was wrong … and the other half concluding there was nothing I could do to fix it.  ‘High functioning’ as well (also called ‘invisible’), I was initially pulled in too far and too quickly to run away.  So I guess that became her thing; we had seven recycles, with her having been responsible for 6, and me finally having broke it off for good. 

But the high functioning really makes it difficult…  It’s like, if they can keep it together to that extent for ‘everyone else,’ it must be possible to do the same for us.  And in the beginning, they do.  But after each blow up or shove off, relational scar tissue formed, never allowing us to become as close…  And after she began describing herself as ‘crazy,’ to me... I suspect she’d given up.

“I never had been treated this bad for so long and have realized that nothing is ever going to change for us... .I cannot save her.”  That was my conclusion as well, after continual mistreatment.  She’d (been encouraged to meet me through mutual friends) found me at a very troubled time in life ... .divorced from the longtime marriage, raising my children alone while losing our home (due to the divorce decree of the former wife)...   I now assume she felt we were ‘equally damaged’ and would/ could maintain a co-dependant r/s.  Problem was, I recovered, she couldn’t. 

... .my long term anxiety laden wife had grown up a few houses down and across the street.  She was also a project of sorts.  Our marriage worked without kids.  After kids, she fell apart...   I’m sorry children are not a part of your life, but tragically, the end would likely have come far sooner, and far more painful... .

I’m happy to see that big grinning face, though    Like me, you may be free!  Life evolves, the good & bad part being, you've never been this age or at this stage.  But losing the hellacious drama involved in a BP r/s likely adds another dimension to those fortunate enough to have survived it.  And it sounds as though you have 

[Tarquin42]

It has been amazing to read how many situations here mirror what has been going on in my own life. Not feeling like you are the only one can really start putting things in perspective.  Not having kids was actually a blessing in our case. I know there has been many things we've missed out on by not, but I do have a few nieces and nephews to keep track of and have I didn't have to pay for their college!

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Tarquin42 and Welcome! 

I'm glad to hear that you've found comfort in reading others' posts.  A BPD r/s can certainly make us feel quite removed from reality and in that quite isolated from others who could possibly understand.  I found a huge weight lifted when I discovered this site and found that I was one of many in my situation.

40 years!  Making it to that point in a completely healthy r/s is a huge achievement these days so my hat goes off to you.  Out of interest, how did you reach the point that you are moving out?  Has it been a joint decision?

I cannot save her. She had brought up the fact she thinks she has the symptoms of BPD, but after one visit to a therapist has said I'll just have to deal with her the way she is.

 

After this visit, did she quit the therapy or continue and do you have any support yourself through friends/family/a therapist of your own?

What you are going through is tough and we will be here to help you on your journey.  Keep posting.

Love and light x

[Tarquin42]

Thank you Harley Quinn, Looking back now I can see that there is no way we could have been together 40 years without the fact I knew her as a kid and always made allowances for the behavior. First few years I rationalized it was because she had lost her family, then it was maybe her "time of month", then the stress of moving, building a house, etc. etc... .finally there was really no excuses left and I had to step back and look at our life.  Of course I still love her but her somewhat sudden loss of interest in sex made it easier for me to consider what the rest of my life may look like.

I'm sure she is not cheating on me, and I do take my vows seriously... .so we are to date making a peaceful separation (although I know that could change in a heartbeat).  Right now my wife seems in some denial in that she readily admits to having many BPD symptoms, but says she can control herself and doesn't act like I'm moving out, even as I load things and move them to my business.

We'll see what next week brings, but one truth about this disorder, it IS unpredictable at times.