Setting boundaries for sex

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I was going to make the post subject "Let's Talk About Sex, Baby," but figured some of the younger crowd here might not get the old "Salt N Pepa" song reference, and then I'd just come off looking like a weirdo.    

Anyhow, I've been seeing a lot of post comments about sex boundaries. I've set a boundary with my BPDh that I will only have sex with him if he is being kind and loving toward me. No sex if he is dysregulating, raging, threatening, etc. I've explained to him my need for feeling emotionally safe during sex.
My conflict is this: He almost always wants sex when he is dysregulating, and if he doesn't get it, he escalates, sometimes for days, if he doesn't get it. So, I sometimes give in to him just bc I can't endure his behavior anymore, and the sex almost always seems to help him calm down.  I know this is reinforcing his negative behavior when I do this. So if I have sex with him when he is angry, it affects me emotionally & psychologically, but if I don't, I also get psychologically harmed bc I have to endure more of his behavior over a longer period of time.
Kinda feel damned if I do, damned if I don't.

Suggestions?

[bananas2]

I was going to make the post subject "Let's Talk About Sex, Baby," but figured some of the younger crowd here might not get the old "Salt N Pepa" song reference, and then I'd just come off looking like a weirdo.    

Anyhow, I've been seeing a lot of post comments about sex boundaries. I've set a boundary with my BPDh that I will only have sex with him if he is being kind and loving toward me. No sex if he is dysregulating, raging, threatening, etc. I've explained to him my need for feeling emotionally safe during sex.
My conflict is this: He almost always wants sex when he is dysregulating, and if he doesn't get it, he escalates, sometimes for days, if he doesn't get it. So, I sometimes give in to him just bc I can't endure his behavior anymore, and the sex almost always seems to help him calm down.  I know this is reinforcing his negative behavior when I do this. So if I have sex with him when he is angry, it affects me emotionally & psychologically, but if I don't, I also get psychologically harmed bc I have to endure more of his behavior over a longer period of time.
Kinda feel damned if I do, damned if I don't.

Suggestions?

[isilme]

Trying to stick to a boundary is uncomfortable especially when you first start trying to enforce it.

To enforce the boundary of no sex when he's treating you badly will lead to everything you stated, BUT you will know you stood up for yourself and in the long run, you are trying to work towards a healthier you.  Not to take away from the seriousness of giving in to undesired sex, but think of a toddler in a bad mood who has decided he wants a cookie.

Do you give him the cookie just to make the bad mood go away, knowing it is not the best thing for you to do?  Or do you take a deep breath and realize you will have to endure kicking and screaming for a while until after 3-20 times of this, the toddler stops asking for the cookie? 

The executive control of a pwBPD seems very close to that of an angry 2-year-old at times.  "I want"  " I need" "Gimmie or you are mean". 

Unfortunately, while our SOs are adults, they missed some steps along the way into learning how to manage themselves LIKE adults consistently.  This forces us into the roles of making the hard choices, and the hard changes.  It is uncomfortable to tell my H he should not talk to me certain ways.  Luckily, for the most part, we are not hitting dysregulation all that often, but yay, it's almost fall and he often ramps up as Christmas approaches. 

You have a choice, and it's not a fun one.  Either feel bad giving in to sex when you don't want it, or feel bad while he is mad that you won't give in to sex when you don't want it.  The former you are doing, and you obviously don't like it.  The latter, you have not yet tried consistently for weeks on end to retrain him, and it may result in an extinction burst and he may finally (for the most part) accept the boundary even if he hates it). 

[Radcliff]

Hibananas2, you are definitely in a tough spot, as you say.  Good that you recognize the issue of inconsistent boundary enforcement.  I am so sorry that you have to deal with this -- and yes, I know we often say that, but on this issue in particular you deserve to be cherished and honored like the wonderful woman you are.  

On other threads women we've talked about guys dysregulating when they don't get sex, possibly because for a guy (speaking for myself I suppose) sex is such a powerful sign of acceptance and if we are really insecure, that may be the only way to feel better that we see.

OK, so one way to look at this is to fill his need for acceptance in a way other than sex, kind of like giving a smoker chewing gum (OK, please hold off on any skeptical comments about how well that works   :)o you guys have any traditions of platonic physical affection?  Can you lavish him with platonic love in a way where you feel you're tending to his emotional needs, even if he's being a jerk, in a way that doesn't leave you feeling bad?  I use this pretty heavily (foot rubs, back rubs).  Sometimes she's so negative I don't even feel comfortable doing that, but there's a large zone where I do feel OK using platonic physical affection to try to help her get regulated.

So, are there any platonic things that you've found to be effective?  Two things that come to mind that you might be able to do even on a bad physical day for you are forehead stroking and a face rub with lotion.  Forehead stroking is a little maternal, and in my opinion carries with it a strong message of acceptance and love.  Your mileage may vary .  Let me know if you think these have potential, or aren't likely to do it.  I'm happy to keep thinking on this one.  :)on't give up -- you deserve to get to where your heart wants to be on this!

[BowlOfPetunias]

No sex if he is dysregulating, raging, threatening, etc. I've explained to him my need for feeling emotionally safe during sex.
My conflict is this: He almost always wants sex when he is dysregulating, and if he doesn't get it, he escalates, sometimes for days, if he doesn't get it. So, I sometimes give in to him just bc I can't endure his behavior anymore, and the sex almost always seems to help him calm down. 

He needs to respect a basic boundary that is not just your boundary, but a legal and moral boundary.  Sex under coercion is rape. "Consenting" in the hope that it will end abuse is not real consent. 

[Rike]

So sorry for you. I had the exact same experience with my ex. It really hurt me at fundamental levels. If I didn't pursue her toward sex then I was called names and emotionally attacked and also then became the recipient of hate, sabotage, and rage (and all the other BPD junk) for the foreseeable future.

At the beginning of our relationship it indeed seemed that sex would cause the BPD behavior to go away or at least subside. However, at some point (like after a decade) I noticed that even when we had sex that it wasn't a guarantee that the abuse would go away. So, then I just felt used, and for that matter the sex wasn't very good anyway. It even seemed like it was less about sex and more about control and domination. If I didn't give in to sex then I was effectively communicating that she couldn't control me. This led to crazy-making and rage (as noted above).

There also were parts to the sexual relationship that reflected characteristics of sexual addiction, and an addict without their drug (whether the drug is sex/orgasm, rage, mania, adrenaline, attention, romance, etc.) can be (and usually is) impossibly volatile.   
 
After holding my boundary on this for months, I noticed a deep strength emerge within me that gives me joy. Now, I only have sex because I want to. With my ex, there were times when I acquiesced, but it was because I decided that I wanted sex too.

It isn't your responsibility to regulate your mate. Sure, we can help and love them, but someone with BPD typically does not spontaneously of their own volition respect the boundaries of others. We have to teach them how we want to be treated.

Stick to your guns. You are worth it. You are not an object. Keep fighting the good fight.

[patientandclear]

I think this is a fantastic boundary. Good for you.

[pearlsw]

Thanks to all for putting this issue out there. I have probably had every possible feeling and reaction you can have to this over the years I've been dealing with it. I can say that I was once even told (years ago) that "he has the right to rape me." I stood up to that, and updated him on values from my country/culture of origin vs. his. I have experienced threats. "I will cancel your health insurance if you don't do it right now." [it was at an inappropriate/stressful time] I said no. I hated all of this... .and his hundreds of break ups, and it drove me over the edge in the face of such horror.  It also started to make me resent/hate sex, something I didn't even think I could possibly ever feel. I always enjoyed this part of life and had no complaints, and neither did anyone I was with for that matter.

I agree with bowlofpetunias wholeheartedly.

I have to admit though that I had to find a way to work with this since I am in this relationship. I am not going to trap him in a sexless/resentful relationship and that is where we would have ended up if I was just holding up this boundary and not looking deeper into this and trying to move past it to a better place. I had to find a way to reframe this or I would not have survived. One option was to end up hating him, always turning him down, and that part of the relationship dying, and the whole thing collapsing. And for what? We do love each other and we both want sex so what can we do? When I just thought he was an evil jerk, the most horrible person I'd ever met, I would say no and soon thereafter he'd dysregulate, and it would get worse and worse and harder and harder to recover from day to day.

Later, when I could see him through the eyes of compassion it made a difference, and it made it possible to still love him and it made it possible to open up new and better communication around sex. When he apologized for these extreme things, I could find a way back to building a healthier sex life even after these horrors. I made progress on this issue by running towards him instead of away from him. Perhaps it is a fine line.

I adjusted by initiating the sex myself and at times of day that I preferred. I felt used earlier on when he basically wanted it at bedtime every day. Quick sex with me, then him going to sleep and me sitting up feeling rotten for a couple of hours. Now I feel more in control and am giving my consent and am more happy.

I wish for all of you reading this peace and love.

[bananas2]

Thank you all for your suggestions and advice. So far, I am holding firm with my sex boundaries and although that means more "Mr. Hyde time" from him, I'm learning that it's easier for me to deal with his dysregulation stemming from him not getting as much sex as he'd like, than it is for me to feel emotionally crushed when I give in to him. I'd like to think that it's also helping him learn that showing me respect & kindness will get him what he wants more often. However, it makes me a bit sad that he doesn't seem to want to show me respect simply out of love for me, but rather just doing it to get what he wants. That hurts.

[pearlsw]

My pwBPD traits can be difficult in that he really seems to have no concept of cuddling. Any amount of physical contact he quickly tries to get to result in his satisfaction/sex. It is a bit much. This is a tough issue, but I managed to keep things in the "cuddle zone" rather than him pushing over that boundary tonight. Surprised this worked. He'd already had sex once today. And foot and leg massages. I've never had such a sexually complicated relationship. I think I'm gonna keep working on adding simple cuddling into our repertoire. I'm praying to the love gods for their protection and to give me the patience and wisdom to survive this life

[Radcliff]

bananas2, congrats for making progress!  You know all about extinction bursts and all that.  Pat yourself on the back for making a change and hold steady, and I bet things will continue to get better.  It does hurt so much when our partner, the one who we are supposed to be safe with and be cherished by, doesn't seem to value us.  We can definitely learn to value ourselves, and I think at some point they see that, and it has an impact.  A journey of a thousand miles... .

pearlsw, good luck with cuddle lessons, and wonderful to hear that you had some success last night!  I'm a little embarrassed for any time I lacked subtlety and tried to skip past the cuddle!   I think your approach to introduce the cuddle when it hasn't been so long and he's not yet cross-eyed with desire is really smart.  Tell him what a great cuddler he was!

[Skip]

This will probably rock a few boats, but we have to be very careful of toxic boundaries..

Over the years we have had times when members labeled their side of conflict as "healhy boundaries" and then as a community we high-five it. Some non-constructive, even abusive behavior has been labeled as boundaries and validated. Not good.

This is why we strongly recommend that members tie their boundaries to core values (see quote box below).

So what is wrong about setting boundaries for sex?  Well, would you tell a child before you go to the park that if he misbehaves, you will not love him? If you did, would that child grow up to be a healthy adult?

Common Misconception

The terminology of "setting boundaries" is misleading and often mistaken to mean "giving an ultimatum." It is true that issuing ultimatums can be part of this life skill and at times, very necessary, however it's only one aspect of this life skill.

When we speak of the boundaries we are really speaking about our personal values and our need to get them in focus and live with more conviction. This is a lifestyle, not a quick fix to an interpersonal squabble.

This is an important point that is often overlooked.

Defining Values

Having a healthy relationship takes a great deal of self-awareness and knowing:

    which of our values are independent, core values to be upheld by us and defended (in a constructive way, of course),

    which values need to be more open for compromise or replacement based on our desire to bond and build relationships with others (partner, friend, relative), and

    how, in difficult situations, to look across multiple values and balance priorities.

The Right Way and the Wrong Way

Having values-based boundaries empowers us and motivates others:

    I listen to the points of view of others and take them seriously
    I treat everybody with respect
    I am always supportive of family and friends
    I am totally honest in all of my dealings with others
    ... .and I expect that same.

Enforcing boundaries without values, or that haven't been clearly communicated and understood, tends to be shallow, reactive, confrontational and destructive:

    I will not tolerate you getting in my face (stated aggressively)
    If you do things I don't like, I will respond by doing things that are equally distressing to you
    You weren't there when I needed you, so I won't be there when you need me
    Etc.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

Everyone will agree that the child example is really an awful idea - even abusive.  But lets break down why. The message is that you don't deserved to be loved, love is conditional, and you can earn it today. It also suggests that love is something used to control you.

Can you "walk the walk" on this "boundary". If there is no raging, are you prepared to provide the mandatory earned sex on demand?

Gottman would call setting boundaries for sex to be "stonewalling" - the last of the 4 levels of deterioration of a relationship.

I'm am a strong believer in having a family value around personal respect. And its very important to communicate in a constructive way (and get agreement) on what is and is not included in the definition of personal respect - what is acceptable (inside the boundary) and what is unacceptable (outside the boundary). This differs by family. An example is that having an emotional reaction is inside the boundary and physical pushing is outside the boundary. This is was boundary means.

If there is going to be consequences (and I would use this sparingly) for being outside of a boundary like pushing, they need to be constructive consequences like next time it happens we call your parents and ask for help. Next time you promise to go to anger management class and move out for a week.  Next time, I call the police. Do this as a couple. Just like you might diet as a couple.

Love and intimacy doesn't belong in this boundaries model. The minute you start shutting that down, the game is over - its just a matter of time. Love and respect are glue that couple use to recover from wounds.

Now to be clear, I'm not suggesting that wives are obligated to have sex after a fist fight. That would be the wrong interpretation of the above. Love is very nuanced. It's perfectly healthy to share that when the relationship is in conflict that it is hard to be vulnerable. It is also important to recognize that physical intimacy can also repair a couple after a fight. Nuanced.  This is a delicate dance that needs to be protected and nurtured so that both partners become increasingly sensitive to the needs of the other. Intimacy is the salvation of communication and caring. When the sex is destroyed, bartered, used a punishment, most relationship fail.

[pearlsw]

Hi Skip, Thanks for this information. It helps. I had exactly this problem. In the past when he "misbehaved" I did not really want to have sex with him. I began to notice if I turned him down every time he "misbehaved" there would be no sex life. I had to find a way out of this cycle. I knew I didn't want a relationship with a total breakdown in this area. This is very delicate stuff and hard to know the right path with, but I think what you have written could help many.

Hey Wentworth, Thanks for the tip on positive reinforcement! I will be sure to do that today. I think that is the best way to get him interested in this. We have talked about it at times, cuddling, but I've made the mistake of bringing it up sometimes only as a disappointment that I have in him and I certainly sound exasperated. It is hard. It does feel at times I'm being clung to by someone with the approach of a horny teenage boy, rather than an entirely formed adult. Found out in the last year he was also sexually abused as a teen and had never told anyone about it. It came out before I knew about BPD traits, but after many arguments that ended up in me saying "What's wrong with you? Why do you act like this? I don't get it." Ouch. Poor guy. So, there may be complications here that even he hasn't gotten all sorted out. In fact I am sure there are. I think he needs a lot of gentleness and patience and basic information he did not receive in his culture of origin around sexual issues.

[Notwendy]

I agree with Skip and with pearlsw- sex in marriage is complicated. While a spouse doesn't have the right to force sex on their partner, neither do either of them have the right to subject their spouse to a sexless marriage. Two people are going to have different levels of desire at time. There are likely times when the kind decision is to "take one for the team".

It has been difficult to discuss sex with my H, but when we do, I realize we came into the marriage with different ideas and expectations about sex. I also wanted affection and romance as a prelude to sex,  but my H interpreted this as holding the bar too high for him.

I decided also to just do things his way for the sake of peace and holding the marriage together.  IMHO, I think I went too far in the other direction with keeping the peace sex, but I agree with Skip that to not do this would have created far more issues in the relationship than I wanted to deal with.

[Tattered Heart]

I'm not sure that this is a boundary. It sounds more like a punishment. It says, "If you don't behave the way I want then you don't get what you want." Boundaries have to do with you. Not with your spouse. Boundaries are not meant to control or change their behavior, but to take responsibility for your own.

Boundaries are more about your own values.

Some examples of values might be:
I treat all people with respect.
I am honest when dealing with others
I will go to bed at 9:30 during the weeknight.

None of these have to do with our spouse's behavior. Boundaries are things that are important to us and we don't give control of those values away to others.

So if enforcing the boundary of going to bed at a certain time, if your spouse begins to try to interrupt your sleep that means you find a place that you can sleep without him interrupting you. It doesn't mean they are given the ultimatum of: If you don't stop yelling I'm not sleeping in the bedroom. Does that make sense?

What value of your own could you create a boundary around when it comes to sex?

For me, sex is not a place where I draw lines in the sand. I know that for men sex is extremely important in regards to feeling close and to deprive him of it can open him up to temptation to find satisfaction outside of the marriage. I know that for him after a fight this is often a way for him to feel reconnected to me. My H will never go more than 3 days without. I may not always feel like it, but even if I'm still hurt or mad at him, I don't want to punish him for it. For me to withhold sex out of anger would be like him withholding affection if he is angry at me. It's not fair fighting. Using sex as a punishment/reward system is often considered a form of emotional abuse.

When I do have to turn my H down, whether its because I'm angry or just not in the mood, I do so kindly. And with a promise of a future time. "It's important to me that we have sex, but after our fight tonight, I'm having a hard time feeling sexy. I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow. Can we wait until then?" And then I MUST follow through on my promise.

[Meili]

This is a great discussion about what are and are not boundaries. As others have already said, boundaries are about protecting values. In the lesson on Boundaries - examples the analogy of eyelids is used. It may better illustrate what we are talking about here:

Eyelids play an important role in protecting our vision, right?  In this case, vision is the value.  To have good vision, dirt and dust are seen as harmful to the eye - thus we need a boundary to keep our eyes safe. Eyelids block the dirt and push the dust out - this is our boundary defense in action.
 
Eyelids don't try to control or punish or change the dirt, they just protect the "vision", consistently, day in, day out - often in subtle ways, sometimes in very visible ways - 400 million times in a lifetime.

When we think of boundaries as if they are eyelids, it makes it much easier to see what are and what are not boundaries.

Often times, we talk about boundaries as a means of teaching our partner a lesson. We connect two dissimilar things and try to teach our partner that if our partner acts a certain way, we won't give something that is really unrelated.

On the surface, sex may seem related to raging because we aren't in the mood for sex when our partner is acting badly. And, let's face it, raging isn't attractive. But, as Skip pointed out, if it is actually related, then the converse must be true also; when our partner isn't raging, we must want sex.

There are actually several layers between raging and sex. One of the biggest, again, as others have mentioned is intimacy. For me, respect (one of my core values) is a closer layer that lies between the raging and intimacy. Respect is the value that I try to protect with boundaries.

What core value(s) are you trying to protect?

[Radcliff]

I think Skip has taken the discussion to a higher level, and helped us see this issue in a broader context that can be helpful to as many members as possible at various stages in their relationships.  I definitely appreciate the "valued-based" approach to boundaries taught on this board -- that was very helpful for me to learn -- and also that boundaries done wrong, with an incomplete understanding of what they mean, can be bad.

But in broadening the discussion, I want to make sure we don't lose sight of an aspect of this issue that I believe is relevant to the OP and some other members.  In a chronically abusive relationship, consent can become questionable, and coercion can become a factor.  Economic dependency, isolation in a foreign country or due to a disability, etc. can make things worse.  It can be further confusing because it is not black and white.  A member may be feeling confident and on top of things one day, but on a different day, after a few days of raging, threats to abandon or take away health care, etc., she may be feeling beaten down enough that consent is undermined.

I appreciate the broadening of the discussion because it helps us look ahead -- once the issue of consent is satisfied, perhaps the issue becomes less of a boundary issue and we have to think about things differently.  But because it is not black and white, it's not like one day the "consent light" turns on and the rules change.  For someone with a history of abuse, I think there's a gray zone where they may be able to give authentic consent, but still feel taken advantage of and terrible.  I think we need to remain sensitive and aware to our members who are in the abusive zone and the gray zone, and give them all of our support when necessary to develop a boundary based on the value of respect.

One more thing I wanted to mention -- I've been impressed and moved by the empathy and compassion shown by many of the members on this board towards their pwBPD on this issue.  In the face of pwBPD behaving quite badly at times, the members have expressed an understanding of the emotional vulnerability of their pwBPD, and seem to err on the side of giving more intimacy rather than withholding it. 

[pearlsw]

Wow Wentworth, and you took it a step even higher than that. You have stated the complexity of this better than I could have ever stated it myself. If I wasn't feeling so wiped out, stressed out, and shell shocked from these years I'd weep. Thank you so much for your compassion and understanding of this complex and painful issue.   

[Skip]

I want to make sure we don't lose sight of an aspect of this issue that I believe is relevant to the OP and some other members.  In a chronically abusive relationship, consent can become questionable, and coercion can become a factor.  Economic dependency, isolation in a foreign country or due to a disability, etc. can make things worse. 

To the OP... .is this a matter of chronic domestic abuse? Have you had a breakthrough crisis and realize that you are trapped in an abusive relationship (in terms of sex and/or physical intimidating)? Have you not had a break through crisis, but thing that the situation is more abusive that you let yourself believe?

If so, if this is about non-consensual sex, we should talk about how to work through that.


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[pearlsw]

Sorry! Hadn't seen all replies before my last post. Appreciate the insights of all contributors around this issue of "boundaries". I never even had a relationship before where I had to think that hard about this stuff. Glad for the chance to take a Beginner's Mind approach to relearning, and deepen my awareness in the hopes of having better ways to cope/survive.

[bananas2]

When I first started this post, I expected to get some replies, but now, I have to say, I'm impressed by not only the sheer number of responses, but the insight and depth of the comments.
There are many excellent quotes I'd like to comment on, but there are just too many.

I'm going to try to keep this short, and just remark on 2 things in particular that caught my eye:
1) "Eyelids" & 2) "Gray areas":

I love the eyelid analogy, and that is precisely what I feel I'm doing in my situation. I don't remotely feel like this is a "punishment," but rather a "protection" of my self-worth and basic need for respect and emotional well-being. I recently discussed this again with my BPDh, and he agrees that respect is necessary for intimacy - physical or otherwise. Honestly, and to my surprise, he states he does not feel punished, abused, or neglected by this boundary.

This brings me to the focus on gray areas. Although we all share a common bond of having an intimate relationship with a pwBPD, everyone's relationship is as unique as a fingerprint, and has its own set of factors. While one pwBPD may feel harmed by a boundary, another may end up ultimately appreciating it.

Having said this, I'll give an update that this boundary seems to be working well thus far in my relationship. Time will tell, but so far, so good.

I was recently feeling a bit overwhelmed by the intensity of this thread discussion, but overall, I'm glad that my post was a catalyst for an impressive, open exchange of thoughts and ideas.

The compassion, strength, and emotional intelligence of the members of this board never ceases to amaze me! 

[Meili]

For the record, most people, pwBPD included, tend to appreciate boundaries once they are known and common. They let everyone know what is going on, where the limits are, and provide a sense of security for all involved.

[Enabler]

I have never declined sex in our entire 20yr relationship... .yet somehow I have been blamed for our somewhat lackluster sex life. There were other things that i have now in reflection noted which added to my sense that sex was a form of control for her. i think most people want to get the feeling that they've "done it well". Over the years it seemed that my uBPDw would almost intentionally put roadblocks in the way of anything that might mean i felt the sense that I had fully satisfied her. As though she almost enjoyed seeing me have the reaction of "I've disappointed you again", "I'm a failure". it was/is very demoralizing and hugely emasculating. We used to have amazing sex, marathon sex I'd go as far to say but after the honeymoon and the surge in her BPD symptoms it seemed like she did everything in her power to leave me feeling disappointed. This was somewhat self defeating as I think she genuinely loved sex. I used to think she loved me so much she wanted us to morph into one... .I'm sure I've read somewhere that this is something pwBPD actually subconsciously desire.

Sorry, I apologize for taking this off topic of sexual boundaries, but I suppose it is about boundaries in as much as my uBPDw put up bizarre boundaries around sex to diminish my satisfaction from the experience. Almost a self harm by proxy for her as well.

[bananas2]

Since it's been over a month now that I started this thread, and the sex boundary has been in place for about 6 weeks, I thought I'd give an update on how it's working.

So far it's been very successful! For awhile, he completely stopped asking me for sex, which is not the outcome I was hoping for. Being the neurotic over-thinker that I am, I began believing that maybe this was bc he no longer found me attractive. We had a good talk about it, and it turns out he wasn't asking bc he was trying to respect my boundary! I explained to him that I really appreciated him showing me this level of respect, but that it is ok for him to initiate with me when he is not dysregulating/threatening, etc. So we are now on the same page and it's going well.

I made a mistake the other day with my own boundary. He was having a terrible episode of dysregulation for 3 days over this past weekend. By day 2, I was absolutely exhausted from his raging, and although he didn't ask me for sex, I actually offered it to him, telling him I would do it just to get him to de-escalate. I knew I was basically destroying my own boundary by doing this, but I was in such a state of emotional weakness at the time, that I could barely think straight. I was shocked at his reaction: he refused. Later on, when he was calm, I asked him about his refusal and he said that he had refused bc he could see I was an emotional mess and that "It wouldn't have been right." I praised him for his empathy. So, although I made a mistake which ultimately could have been tragic, he and I both ended up learning from it. It seems I dodged my own bullet.

He is back to baseline now and the sex life is good. I'm really pleased how this is progressing, and although I'm realistic that there will be bumps in the road, I'm hopeful that setting this boundary will continue to be healthy for both of us.  

[Radcliff]

Congratulations!  So wonderful to get your update.  Thanks for posting.  My wife and I have been talking about how we have to take turns being the "hero" to break patterns.  If one of us stumbles the other has an opportunity to be the hero.  I am so glad he was the hero!

Wentworth